Things about Hip Hop that are starting to drive me crazy

The one thing that scares me about fatherhood, besides me wanting to teach my child how to perform an emergency tracheotomy with a spoon and the benefits of shooting someone with a 22. caliber pistol - is how extremely impatient I am. That's probably why I'm such an abysmal lover, anything not involving my penis being smothered by a woman's orifice is simply a complete waste of time to me. As much as a chick might think that giving me a rather seductive strip-tease or playfully kissing around my phallus is sexy, to me its just downright irritating - usually I find myself just waving my hands slowly in one direction on some police officer, "move along, there's nothing to see here" shit. Then afterwards, especially if the woman in question isn't my girlfriend, I sincerely try my hardest to stay attentive as pours her little heart out about some drama she's having at work or her baby daddy who just got "shanked in gen-pop" - but in no time flat I start shaking, grabbing my dreadlocks, then exclaiming "ARRRGH YOUHAVETOGETYOURASSOUTTAHERE!!!!!!" I've always contended that I'd cash a one-million dollar check at a later date if the line happened to be too long, I've given everyone from old lady's to racist bikers compassionate stop-light lectures about them not being shit and their lack of driving skills - recently, as I stood in line and watched the cashier chat with her chicken-head home-girl for 2 minutes straight I said, "Can't you cackling fucking hens talk about Lil Wayne and your herpes medication later, this 40oz is getting warm!!!"

But I never thought I'd get impatient with Hip Hop, if the genre was a lover of mine not only would I reciprocate oral but I'd pelvic-ally pound away, desperately hoping that she achieved her climax as well. Historically I've ignored the times that she rode her brakes, kept her turn signal on for more than five miles at a time - I just figured that she was in no particular hurry as I found myself behind her as she went 25 miles per hour in a 45 zone. But as of late I've found myself getting quite irritated over things that I've accepted over the last 25 years ago or so, I guess its akin to a man suddenly walking out on a 40 year marriage - I'm sure that the "final straw" was part of the same broom she was using 20 years earlier.

Call and Response: "Just throw your hands in the air, and wave them like you just don't care..", phrasing so important to me that I want it included in my marriage vows - as well as my wife promising to love me, cherish me, blow me before work, and openly agree to say that "Rakim is god" before we close our eyes at night. I know that talking bad about this time honored Hip Hop tradition is rather blasphemous, I know - but personally I'm getting so sick of the "call and response" to be totally honest. Let me revise that, as my boy Brother Omi told me during a recent phone conversation - "Maybe you are just sick and tired of it being done badly?" I think he has a point there, I guess I've been to so many shows where the MC who does it is as charismatic as an enema - such poor execution of said tradition has just soured me on it a bit. Especially when an artist tries to pull it out early in the show, the crowd isn't even warmed up yet - take it from a guy who historically "pulls it out" way too early, you're libel to have people saying "fuuuck yooou" as you approach them with your penis - I mean, attempt "call and response" too early.

Someone put a muzzle on that DJ!!: For as long as I can remember, I have accepted a DJ's rampant babbling over my favorite record - I subconsciously chalked it up as being a necessary evil of Hip Hop. But now its starting to irritate me like a suede condom, I don't want to hear your bastardly shout-outs during O.C's "Time's Up" - wax poetic about where you were when that record came out either before or after you play the record, fucknuts. If I fail to find your in-studio banter interesting, what makes you think I'd find you intriguing while you played one of my favorite records? I can't tell you how many lives I've threatened at weddings just because the dude behind the ones and two's thought that his microphone was there for more than congratulating the new couple.


Just leave the record alone already!!: When I say that I love scratching as much as the next guy, I'm not talking about that rash I acquired after fucking that stripper in Atlantic City - nothing soothes the savage asshole like a skilled technician chopping up vinyl like he/she was a Ginsu salesman. My only issue is when its overdone, like when the DJ who has been cutting up Biz Markie's "Goin' Off" for a half hour and hasn't gotten past the first line of Biz's verse. Jesus Christ man!

Respected artists who downplay freestyling: If one of my favorite artists isn't a master at the art of impromptu rhyme, that's alright - I'm the type of fan who gives a shit-load of extra credit if the MC in question even attempts it. But whenever I've heard rappers try to castrate the importance of freestyle it always seemed both cowardice and disingenuous, them throwing up a proverbial smokescreen so you wouldn't notice that lack of said skill is a chink in their lyrical armor. An MC doesn't have to be master at the freestyle to be a great artist, but don't downplay it either - that's like the running back railing against the stiff arm or the spin move, or the point guard downplaying the bounce pass or the ability to split two defenders. Seriously, cut that shit out..