Monday, August 08, 2005

I couldn't make this shit up, it's THAT embarassing.

Even though I have been in too many fights to count,cursed out a preacher, fell asleep while I was having sex, and been thrown out of more bars than empty beer bottles, I honestly don't have any regrets. I have the belief that everything happens for a reason so I am pretty secure with that. But to be totally honest, even though I don't regret anything, there are certain memories that are absolutely cringe-worthy. I am sure you have all had those embarrassing moments in your life that will haunt you for the rest of your life, like seeing someone killed, or actually paying to see "Booty Call" in the theater. Here are a few of those embarrassing moments, if you have some by all means express yourself.

Meet the Parents: I was dating a woman named Wendy some years back and it started to get serious. You know you are falling in love with somebody when you actually want to hang out with them, their voice doesn't irritate the piss out of you, and you don't want them to leave your home immediately after you ejaculate. It got to the point that she thought it was time to meet her parents. Wendy told me that she had ultra-conservative parents, and that their approval meant a alot to her when it came to whoever she was dating. I was kind of nervous to be honest, but being that her last couple of boyfriends were a drug dealer and a dude that threatened her with physical violence, I figured the bar was set pretty low for yours truly. I was supposed to meet her parents for a dinner they were having for us so I threw on my best monkey suit and headed to the residence of Wendy's parents. As I drove there, for some reason I got extremely nervous. What if they don't like me? What if Wendy leaves me based on the opinions of her parents? What if I can't shut my mouth when her parents start with there bullshit political opinions?? Overwhelmed, I pulled over to some rat-hole bar near Wemdy's parent's house to have a drink to calm my nerves. I sat down and ordered a Rum and Coke and a shot of something too strong for me to be drinking right before I meet anyone's parents. A dude sits beside me and sparks up a conversation. Man: Hello son, why are you all dressed up? Me: I am going to meet my girlfriends parents. Man: Really, are you nervous? Me: Hell yeah, my girl really respects their opinion. Plus, they are scumbag conservatives so it will be hard for me not to tell them how full of shit they are. Man: I heard that. How do you feel about your girlfriend? Me: I really love her, plus the mere fact that her ass is juicier than a pot roast and she can suck a basketball through a straw doesn't hurt things either (The man doesn't laugh at my joke, just looks forward and says) Man: I see, well good luck young man(he gets up and stars to leave) Me: Thanks sir

After a couple of drinks I feel pretty relaxed, so I head to Wendy's parents house to try to con them into liking me. I get to the house, ring the bell, and her mother answers the door and says, "You must be HumanityCritic, it is so good to finally meet you." "It's good to finally meet you to", I said as her mother ushered me throughout the house. She says, "Let me find my husband so he can meet you." She leads me to their library where I was shocked to find the guy I was just chatting with in the bar, the conversation about their shitty politics, Wendy having a juicy ass and sucking a basketball through a straw played back in my mind. He gives me a huge smile and says, "It's great to meet you kid", and I respond "It's great to meet you too sir." Unbelievably he never mentioned the encounter to Wendy or his wife, which shocked the shit out of me. The night went extremely well, OK, except for him pulling me to the side and saying that he would hunt me down like a dog and slowly dismember me if I hurt Wendy. Besides that, I came off like gangbusters.

I forgot to Hide my porn: Even though I know that a lot of women read this blog, and I respect all of you tremendously, but what I'm about to admit might drop my female readership a little. I am a veteran when it comes to the porn game. Meaning I have been watching women have sex on film with corny music in the background, displaying horrible acting abilities, and women with boobs so fake to even make Pamela Anderson point and say "Now that shit is ridiculous!", since I was in junior high. I wasn't into the average "Babes on Bobsleds" or "Tammy does the Pizza Guy" type of shit either, as a teen I was into more of the "Wanda does the inmates on Cell block D" variety. I have always been a pervert, there is no doubt about that. Anyway, I made a effort to hide my porn because I am sure that we all had mothers that would go in our room for some reason or another. My poor mother, she had no idea the criminal amount of pornography her baby boy had, or was watching on a daily basis. Anyway, I came home from school and the driveway was empty, I guess my pops was at work and my mother was at the store. So I figured that I had the perfect opportunity to "rub one out" in absolute privacy, so I pop in a triple X flick. I start watching it then the phone rings so I go into the kitchen, answer it, and talk to my friend for a couple of minutes. Then I think I hear footsteps upstairs, I just knew that no one was home, so I figured that I was just hearing things. I talk for a few more moments then I definitely hear footsteps upstairs, so I get off the phone and creep upstairs thinking we had a intruder or something. I go to my room and I am horrified to see my mother watching a triple penetration "love scene" that I had mistakenly left on to answer the phone. Not knowing what to do, I run over and give the VCR a flying Karate kick to the point that it shuts off immediately. I say, "I thought you were gone, where is your car!!" She said, "Your father is having my car inspected, that's why it isn't in the driveway." She looks at my collection and starts randomly picking tapes up and reading titles, "Jizz Jerking Sluts? Turner and Cooch? E.T-Extra testicle?" Embarrassed, I grab my stash from her and say, "Mom, please!!" She laughingly leaves the room as I sit there humiliated, clutching a shitload of porn tapes in the fetal position. That was so embarrassing that I couldn't get aroused to any of those specific tapes any more, so I threw them out and got a brand new collection.

Broken Heart: I have always been the one out of my crew to have more of the "No woman can bring me down" kind of attitude. As we all know this is nothing but a big disguise for a individual that is terrified of being hurt.(That's what my therapist says) When my boy Ron got dumped by his girlfriend I told him, "Move the fuck on dude, you'll be OK. Plus, her ass had tremendously big feet. I didn't know if those were sneakers or ski's and shit." When my boy Danny was crushed by his fiancee and had a hard time getting over it I told him, "Come on Danny, you got to cheer the fuck up. Look on the bright side, her mother looks like Aunt Ester from "Sandford and Son", do you want to be laying beside that in 30 years? Her dumb ass did you a favor." Or the time that my friend Shawn was devastated by a girl he was dating and was depressed about it. I took him to a seedy lap dance place, pulled out 200 dollars and said, "This is for the first person who can make my boy smile, and I don't mean by telling jokes either. He needs to get the fuck over that skank that broke his heart, his pity party is getting a bit tired." I know, I can be a prick sometimes, but then again if you read this blog you already know this. Anyway, through all my shit talking about "getting the fuck over it" my stupid black ass ends up getting my heart broken. I'll tell you what, God has a sense of humor, because my "period of mourning" was longer than Ron, Danny, and Shawn's put together. I was pathetic, I stayed in the house under the covers watching "Leave it to Beaver" reruns like it was the thing to do. My boys came over and got me out of the house and took me to a club, but I think I just sulked the whole time. I love those guys, because even though they chuckled continuously due to my utter hypocrisy, they didn't rub it in my face like I know I would have. I think I am a better friend now to be honest, so that is definitely a positive. But Shawn got me back though when we went to go visit his grandmother in an old folks home. She was surrounded by all of her friends and Shawn pulled out a one hundred dollar bill and yelled out, "I'll give this to the first woman that can make HumanityCritic smile, and I don't mean by telling jokes either. His pity party is getting tired!" Good one Shawn, I'll give you that.

36 comments:

Nicky said...

ROFLMAO this was a really great post. You are right I have a ton of Americas most embarrasing moments. LOL

Amadeo said...

Think of it this way...when you have a kid and they have an embarassing moment...you'll have enough ammo to make him forget his.

Anonymous said...

Lord knows I have enough embarassing moments to make even you blush HC! funny as usual.

shinjyo said...

Another classic, but what ever happened to Wendy?

I am Jack said...

If mom ever found my porn stash I would be horrified. I bet you still have scars.

FantasyFootballGuru said...

You have absolutely no sense. When are you going to write a book already???

Sparkling said...

Did it work? Did the old peoples home finish your pity party?

Nikki said...

I hope your Mom didn't happen to get any uh, fluids on her hands while picking up your tape boxes.

Girl With An Alibi said...

Another fabulous and funny post. All my embarrassing moments pale in comparison.

E_1979 said...

That was so embarrassing that I couldn't get aroused to any of those specific tapes any more, so I threw them out and got a brand new collection.

LOL...

yeah women have it imprinted in the mind that porn is disguisting.... I really can't think of what women have that they enjoy that is on the same level..... I mean while romance novels are sick ... they atleast have artistic merit..........

I just can't believe the one about the man and the bar Humanity ... that just sounds to cliche'

did that one really happen ?

E_1979 said...

That was so embarrassing that I couldn't get aroused to any of those specific tapes any more, so I threw them out and got a brand new collection.

LOL...

yeah women have it imprinted in the mind that porn is disguisting.... I really can't think of what women have that they enjoy that is on the same level..... I mean while romance novels are sick ... they atleast have artistic merit..........

I just can't believe the one about the man and the bar Humanity ... that just sounds to cliche'

did that one really happen ?

Serenity23 said...

I'm guessing Wendy's dad could appreciate a woman who could "suck a basketball through a straw." Funny post.

jpsweet92174 said...

I know you all love HC as much as I do...go vote for him on http://www.blackweblogawards.com/

And, not all women hate porn!!! LOL

Meka said...

LOL... you have no sense. None:) I have too many embarrasing moments to count but if my mom found my stash I think I would die right on the spot. Ugh.

Kevin said...

"clutching a shitload of porn tapes in the fetal position"

Jesus, man, why hasn't your life story been committed to film yet? You're right, no one can make this shit up. Not even Hollywood writers.

Oh, and my vote is in.

Jdid said...

i'm with kevin they need to make HC the movie.

melette said...

You need to write a book or something, for real.

Coley said...

Hey HC!!! LMAO at this post, but what else is new! You are so gotdamn hilarious! I love me some Humanity Critic!!! But you already know that! :~)

Oh and I'm first in line! And LMAO at your proposition...

Coley said...

Oh and @ all the other readers!!! I'm with jpsweet92174... I already voted for HC... Did you??? If not go here:
http://www.blackweblogawards.com/

STYLE+GRACE said...

you are hilarious...lmao about u r mom with tht tapes...and u thinking it was an intruder. ugh i wonder how much she heard before u went downstairs...

i had to vote u as blogger of the year u r stories are tooo funny.

Big N said...

You may be a prick, but you're a damn funny one.

Inside Man said...

Atleast Moms didn't catch you in action....

Sunnchine said...

ROFLMAO!!!!

I third what Kelvin said. Your embarassing moments are pure comedy.

Chele said...

Three times is a charm
http://www.blackweblogawards.com/
Go vote.

Dia said...

you might be the funniest prick I've ever known.
I would share some of my embarassing moments, but my latest one has to do with you and your blog.
Your blog is very enlightening today. thanks

courtneyelizabeth said...

awwww...*hug*...not gonna laugh atcha...just give you a hug...

BlueAngel said...

HC...you've got me in TEARS!!!!!

You've had some doozies and that're real.

One of my most "didn't want mama to know" moments was after I had some surgery in 99, my boyfriend at the time spent the night with me at my mom's house (I couldn't go back to school because mom was looking after me). We were getting it on in the middle of the night (mind you, I was in the guest room, next to hers because it had the highest bed - I couldn't bend down that well...so the DR said).

We heard a banging on the wall - it was my mom! The next morning, she said...next time, don't be waking me up! I played it off like I didn't know what she was talking about.

BlueAngel said...

Spell Check helps...lol.

That's real!

brooklyn babe said...

If you ever heal thyself, and stop seeing your therapist, what will your adorning fans do??
Thanks for the laugh (@ ur expense lol).

josie said...

i like the last two stories. mummy found your porn! mummy found your porn!

Brother OMi said...

porn and moms, ugh... i would have puked dude.

Breez said...

LMFAO! I think your mom finding your "stash" takes the cake. I won't even relate my experience when my dad decided to fix my computer. Anyway, I really needed that laugh, so thanks.

Icylyrics said...

Tears streaming down my eyes at 5:00 a.m. The best cure for a woman who can't sleep. Read you blog. Your stories are hilarious.

You might want to consider taking a valuim before engaging in competitive sports.

Thykness said...

Straight Hilarious!!! This was hands down one of the funniest posts I have read...I was right there with you going through each moment...like uh oh here it comes!! LOL...I love it!! You are officially one of a kind...I needed this one today! Keep em' coming!

msjaim said...

Man, I love how u write! I see it all as I read everything.. all women arent against porn! he he he.. ive been watching since the __th grade .. waching those wack ass Emanuele soft porn flicks, concentrating through the skwiggly lines when it sounded like a REALLY good one was on... U r too FUNEE!!!

Ms_Kenesha said...

Hey women love porn, too. This might up your readership! LOL!