Even though I have been in too many fights to count,cursed out a preacher, fell asleep while I was having sex, and been thrown out of more bars than empty beer bottles, I honestly don't have any regrets. I have the belief that everything happens for a reason so I am pretty secure with that. But to be totally honest, even though I don't regret anything, there are certain memories that are absolutely cringe-worthy. I am sure you have all had those embarrassing moments in your life that will haunt you for the rest of your life, like seeing someone killed, or actually paying to see "Booty Call" in the theater. Here are a few of those embarrassing moments, if you have some by all means express yourself.
Meet the Parents: I was dating a woman named Wendy some years back and it started to get serious. You know you are falling in love with somebody when you actually want to hang out with them, their voice doesn't irritate the piss out of you, and you don't want them to leave your home immediately after you ejaculate. It got to the point that she thought it was time to meet her parents. Wendy told me that she had ultra-conservative parents, and that their approval meant a alot to her when it came to whoever she was dating. I was kind of nervous to be honest, but being that her last couple of boyfriends were a drug dealer and a dude that threatened her with physical violence, I figured the bar was set pretty low for yours truly. I was supposed to meet her parents for a dinner they were having for us so I threw on my best monkey suit and headed to the residence of Wendy's parents. As I drove there, for some reason I got extremely nervous. What if they don't like me? What if Wendy leaves me based on the opinions of her parents? What if I can't shut my mouth when her parents start with there bullshit political opinions?? Overwhelmed, I pulled over to some rat-hole bar near Wemdy's parent's house to have a drink to calm my nerves. I sat down and ordered a Rum and Coke and a shot of something too strong for me to be drinking right before I meet anyone's parents. A dude sits beside me and sparks up a conversation. Man: Hello son, why are you all dressed up? Me: I am going to meet my girlfriends parents. Man: Really, are you nervous? Me: Hell yeah, my girl really respects their opinion. Plus, they are scumbag conservatives so it will be hard for me not to tell them how full of shit they are. Man: I heard that. How do you feel about your girlfriend? Me: I really love her, plus the mere fact that her ass is juicier than a pot roast and she can suck a basketball through a straw doesn't hurt things either (The man doesn't laugh at my joke, just looks forward and says) Man: I see, well good luck young man(he gets up and stars to leave) Me: Thanks sir
After a couple of drinks I feel pretty relaxed, so I head to Wendy's parents house to try to con them into liking me. I get to the house, ring the bell, and her mother answers the door and says, "You must be HumanityCritic, it is so good to finally meet you." "It's good to finally meet you to", I said as her mother ushered me throughout the house. She says, "Let me find my husband so he can meet you." She leads me to their library where I was shocked to find the guy I was just chatting with in the bar, the conversation about their shitty politics, Wendy having a juicy ass and sucking a basketball through a straw played back in my mind. He gives me a huge smile and says, "It's great to meet you kid", and I respond "It's great to meet you too sir." Unbelievably he never mentioned the encounter to Wendy or his wife, which shocked the shit out of me. The night went extremely well, OK, except for him pulling me to the side and saying that he would hunt me down like a dog and slowly dismember me if I hurt Wendy. Besides that, I came off like gangbusters.
I forgot to Hide my porn: Even though I know that a lot of women read this blog, and I respect all of you tremendously, but what I'm about to admit might drop my female readership a little. I am a veteran when it comes to the porn game. Meaning I have been watching women have sex on film with corny music in the background, displaying horrible acting abilities, and women with boobs so fake to even make Pamela Anderson point and say "Now that shit is ridiculous!", since I was in junior high. I wasn't into the average "Babes on Bobsleds" or "Tammy does the Pizza Guy" type of shit either, as a teen I was into more of the "Wanda does the inmates on Cell block D" variety. I have always been a pervert, there is no doubt about that. Anyway, I made a effort to hide my porn because I am sure that we all had mothers that would go in our room for some reason or another. My poor mother, she had no idea the criminal amount of pornography her baby boy had, or was watching on a daily basis. Anyway, I came home from school and the driveway was empty, I guess my pops was at work and my mother was at the store. So I figured that I had the perfect opportunity to "rub one out" in absolute privacy, so I pop in a triple X flick. I start watching it then the phone rings so I go into the kitchen, answer it, and talk to my friend for a couple of minutes. Then I think I hear footsteps upstairs, I just knew that no one was home, so I figured that I was just hearing things. I talk for a few more moments then I definitely hear footsteps upstairs, so I get off the phone and creep upstairs thinking we had a intruder or something. I go to my room and I am horrified to see my mother watching a triple penetration "love scene" that I had mistakenly left on to answer the phone. Not knowing what to do, I run over and give the VCR a flying Karate kick to the point that it shuts off immediately. I say, "I thought you were gone, where is your car!!" She said, "Your father is having my car inspected, that's why it isn't in the driveway." She looks at my collection and starts randomly picking tapes up and reading titles, "Jizz Jerking Sluts? Turner and Cooch? E.T-Extra testicle?" Embarrassed, I grab my stash from her and say, "Mom, please!!" She laughingly leaves the room as I sit there humiliated, clutching a shitload of porn tapes in the fetal position. That was so embarrassing that I couldn't get aroused to any of those specific tapes any more, so I threw them out and got a brand new collection.
Broken Heart: I have always been the one out of my crew to have more of the "No woman can bring me down" kind of attitude. As we all know this is nothing but a big disguise for a individual that is terrified of being hurt.(That's what my therapist says) When my boy Ron got dumped by his girlfriend I told him, "Move the fuck on dude, you'll be OK. Plus, her ass had tremendously big feet. I didn't know if those were sneakers or ski's and shit." When my boy Danny was crushed by his fiancee and had a hard time getting over it I told him, "Come on Danny, you got to cheer the fuck up. Look on the bright side, her mother looks like Aunt Ester from "Sandford and Son", do you want to be laying beside that in 30 years? Her dumb ass did you a favor." Or the time that my friend Shawn was devastated by a girl he was dating and was depressed about it. I took him to a seedy lap dance place, pulled out 200 dollars and said, "This is for the first person who can make my boy smile, and I don't mean by telling jokes either. He needs to get the fuck over that skank that broke his heart, his pity party is getting a bit tired." I know, I can be a prick sometimes, but then again if you read this blog you already know this. Anyway, through all my shit talking about "getting the fuck over it" my stupid black ass ends up getting my heart broken. I'll tell you what, God has a sense of humor, because my "period of mourning" was longer than Ron, Danny, and Shawn's put together. I was pathetic, I stayed in the house under the covers watching "Leave it to Beaver" reruns like it was the thing to do. My boys came over and got me out of the house and took me to a club, but I think I just sulked the whole time. I love those guys, because even though they chuckled continuously due to my utter hypocrisy, they didn't rub it in my face like I know I would have. I think I am a better friend now to be honest, so that is definitely a positive. But Shawn got me back though when we went to go visit his grandmother in an old folks home. She was surrounded by all of her friends and Shawn pulled out a one hundred dollar bill and yelled out, "I'll give this to the first woman that can make HumanityCritic smile, and I don't mean by telling jokes either. His pity party is getting tired!" Good one Shawn, I'll give you that.