Maybe I'm paranoid, but is civilization as we know it rapidly coming to an end? I don't ask that question because of global warming and the natural disasters that it intensifies, this miserable administration and their wretched record on environmental issues, African Americans who put on black-face and support this president, or even the depths that Hip Hop has fallen during the past five years. It is the utter decay of my beloved neighborhood. I really should have titled this post "When suburban kids go bad" because my middle class neighborhood is desperately trying to become a bad rap video cliche. Granted, my specific street is still the same, very safe and people on my street still think that I'm the anti-Christ, but the streets surrounding mine are starting to look rather suspect. I don't know, maybe I'm paranoid, you tell me.
Whores in Training: When I saw an episode of Oprah about middle class girls turning to the oldest profession in the book, I didn't really pay much attention to it until recently when I noticed some possible "whoring" going on in my neighborhood. How could I tell that those girls were offering some discount ass? OK, any guy will tell you that it is easy to spot a prostitute because when you pass them on the street, they do a complete 180 and look at your car with a hungry look on their face. This has happened to me a few times, and the median age of these girls had to be about 17 years of age, which forces me to pose the question, "Where in the fuck are their parents?" I know one thing, if my daughter's lifelong ambition was to be a prostitute I would build a wrestling ring and slam her ultra loose ass from the top rope and shit.(Not really, but I would have a wrestling ring handy) Sometimes I want to stop my car and give these misguided teenage harlots some rogue-like advice, but I always chose against it because I am afraid that they are being monitored by the cops and I would get arrested for being a "John", and with a butt like mine I avoid correctional facilities at all cost, like George Bush avoids encyclopedias.
"Just add water" thugs: When Hip Hop was in its glory years, it was easy to debunk people who said that the "music was influencing bad behavior amongst teens." Now, because 2 minutes of farting might sound better than a lot of the music on the Hip Hop landscape now, and misogyny and violence in music is a prerequisite, I can see where some music can influence a few weak minds.(I never thought I would say that.) Case in point, some of the teenage boys in my neighborhood think that they live in South Central LA or something, taking their time and sometimes refusing to get out of the way when you are trying to drive past them. After my "get your ass out of the street before I beat your little ass" threats, my "get your bitch ass daddy, I beat both of your asses" tirades, I found two remedies that make teenage boys scatter like roaches with the lights on. I either a)Try to hit them with my car(Not really, but coming very close) or b)I throw a lit M-80's out my car so they get the fuck out of the way. Now they give me props, I guess because they see that I'm not playing, by saying "What's up OG!! Hey Dread!!" I should be nice back, but my response is usually something like "Shut the fuck up peasant!!" or a simple middle finger out of my window representing Hip Hop to the fullest.
Trust Fund Street Gangs: In Virginia Beach, republican as can get, I have discovered a street gang in my midst. I was getting a beer at a local quick mart when this white gentleman approached me, wearing a gigantic chain with a Jesus emblem swaying back and forth. When he opened his mouth he sounded like a black man, to the point where I giggled and said, "How do you do that?? You gotta show me that one day." like it was a magic trick and shit. Anyway, he informed me that he was part of a street gang called "The Misfits" or some nonsense, and that since they respect me that they don't have any problems with yours truly. Even though I knew he was trying to be nice, I was offended because he implied that if we "weren't cool" that there would be need for me to worry. I was like, "Fuck you pussy, go away..", then he gave me a really dejected look on his face like I had just shot his dog. Immediately I said, "See, a "real thug" would have said some slick shit back or at least hid his rejection!! You really need to practice this "gangster thing"!" Fast forward a week later and I find out that this fool lives a block in back of me, so I thought I would bring this dude named Jesse by to kind of do a "scared straight" thing on them, hoping that this would provoke soaked trousers and hurt feelings. Jesse is a real thug, who had spent 10 years in jail and who has actually killed someone, he is a counselor now and I thought he would show these kids that they weren't built for gangsterism. That was a mistake, because instead of scaring these kids, Jesse inspired these fuckers. His tales of murders, robberies, and anal rapings in "the big house" became something for these trust fund fuckers to shoot for. I saw that wannabe thug the other day and he asked me, "When is Jesse coming back by??" Where I just replied, "Beat it fem-inem!"
Ghetto Casino: A few months ago Danny came by and told me that this guy he knew a few blocks over had a card game going on and that we should go. We went, they had poker and blackjack, and the people there consisted mostly of college kids and local degenerates. I had a ball, winning 800 dollars tends to do that, and I had even more fun when I won 300 more dollars there the next time. I just thought that the guy who threw this thing did it every now and then, but I recently found out that not only is this college boy doing this full time, he is also selling drugs out of his house as well. His house is already "hot" in terms of police attention, but I sort of, kind of, think that a guy that I hit one night because he was fucking with Danny was a off duty cop.(The only reason I'm not concerned is because how is he going to explain where he was at when I hit him. But if I stop blogging for a while, you'll know why.) Jesus I hope not, but you know that I haven't been there since and I feel bad talking about this being a factor in the decay of my neighborhood, because I contributed to it in the beginning.