Thursday, October 13, 2005

There goes the Neighborhood

Maybe I'm paranoid, but is civilization as we know it rapidly coming to an end? I don't ask that question because of global warming and the natural disasters that it intensifies, this miserable administration and their wretched record on environmental issues, African Americans who put on black-face and support this president, or even the depths that Hip Hop has fallen during the past five years. It is the utter decay of my beloved neighborhood. I really should have titled this post "When suburban kids go bad" because my middle class neighborhood is desperately trying to become a bad rap video cliche. Granted, my specific street is still the same, very safe and people on my street still think that I'm the anti-Christ, but the streets surrounding mine are starting to look rather suspect. I don't know, maybe I'm paranoid, you tell me.

Whores in Training: When I saw an episode of Oprah about middle class girls turning to the oldest profession in the book, I didn't really pay much attention to it until recently when I noticed some possible "whoring" going on in my neighborhood. How could I tell that those girls were offering some discount ass? OK, any guy will tell you that it is easy to spot a prostitute because when you pass them on the street, they do a complete 180 and look at your car with a hungry look on their face. This has happened to me a few times, and the median age of these girls had to be about 17 years of age, which forces me to pose the question, "Where in the fuck are their parents?" I know one thing, if my daughter's lifelong ambition was to be a prostitute I would build a wrestling ring and slam her ultra loose ass from the top rope and shit.(Not really, but I would have a wrestling ring handy) Sometimes I want to stop my car and give these misguided teenage harlots some rogue-like advice, but I always chose against it because I am afraid that they are being monitored by the cops and I would get arrested for being a "John", and with a butt like mine I avoid correctional facilities at all cost, like George Bush avoids encyclopedias.

"Just add water" thugs: When Hip Hop was in its glory years, it was easy to debunk people who said that the "music was influencing bad behavior amongst teens." Now, because 2 minutes of farting might sound better than a lot of the music on the Hip Hop landscape now, and misogyny and violence in music is a prerequisite, I can see where some music can influence a few weak minds.(I never thought I would say that.) Case in point, some of the teenage boys in my neighborhood think that they live in South Central LA or something, taking their time and sometimes refusing to get out of the way when you are trying to drive past them. After my "get your ass out of the street before I beat your little ass" threats, my "get your bitch ass daddy, I beat both of your asses" tirades, I found two remedies that make teenage boys scatter like roaches with the lights on. I either a)Try to hit them with my car(Not really, but coming very close) or b)I throw a lit M-80's out my car so they get the fuck out of the way. Now they give me props, I guess because they see that I'm not playing, by saying "What's up OG!! Hey Dread!!" I should be nice back, but my response is usually something like "Shut the fuck up peasant!!" or a simple middle finger out of my window representing Hip Hop to the fullest.

Trust Fund Street Gangs: In Virginia Beach, republican as can get, I have discovered a street gang in my midst. I was getting a beer at a local quick mart when this white gentleman approached me, wearing a gigantic chain with a Jesus emblem swaying back and forth. When he opened his mouth he sounded like a black man, to the point where I giggled and said, "How do you do that?? You gotta show me that one day." like it was a magic trick and shit. Anyway, he informed me that he was part of a street gang called "The Misfits" or some nonsense, and that since they respect me that they don't have any problems with yours truly. Even though I knew he was trying to be nice, I was offended because he implied that if we "weren't cool" that there would be need for me to worry. I was like, "Fuck you pussy, go away..", then he gave me a really dejected look on his face like I had just shot his dog. Immediately I said, "See, a "real thug" would have said some slick shit back or at least hid his rejection!! You really need to practice this "gangster thing"!" Fast forward a week later and I find out that this fool lives a block in back of me, so I thought I would bring this dude named Jesse by to kind of do a "scared straight" thing on them, hoping that this would provoke soaked trousers and hurt feelings. Jesse is a real thug, who had spent 10 years in jail and who has actually killed someone, he is a counselor now and I thought he would show these kids that they weren't built for gangsterism. That was a mistake, because instead of scaring these kids, Jesse inspired these fuckers. His tales of murders, robberies, and anal rapings in "the big house" became something for these trust fund fuckers to shoot for. I saw that wannabe thug the other day and he asked me, "When is Jesse coming back by??" Where I just replied, "Beat it fem-inem!"

Ghetto Casino: A few months ago Danny came by and told me that this guy he knew a few blocks over had a card game going on and that we should go. We went, they had poker and blackjack, and the people there consisted mostly of college kids and local degenerates. I had a ball, winning 800 dollars tends to do that, and I had even more fun when I won 300 more dollars there the next time. I just thought that the guy who threw this thing did it every now and then, but I recently found out that not only is this college boy doing this full time, he is also selling drugs out of his house as well. His house is already "hot" in terms of police attention, but I sort of, kind of, think that a guy that I hit one night because he was fucking with Danny was a off duty cop.(The only reason I'm not concerned is because how is he going to explain where he was at when I hit him. But if I stop blogging for a while, you'll know why.) Jesus I hope not, but you know that I haven't been there since and I feel bad talking about this being a factor in the decay of my neighborhood, because I contributed to it in the beginning.

30 comments:

cera said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
cera said...

hey hc!
i think we live in the same hood. j/k.

I am Jack said...

Dude, I think you are paranoid. But then again the postitute thing is sort of troubling. lol

FantasyFootballGuru said...

Throwing M-80's!! You are nuts!! LMMFAO

shinjyo said...

You need to write a book, a few books!! YO talented son of a bitch.

bec said...

Another great post

Bob Smith said...

The worst thing in th world is suburban thugs, damn phoneys.

Icey said...

Since Crappers like, Paul Wall, have come out, all we see in our burb are fools with mouth jewelery, big chains, and the 'brotha swagger" and the 'black lingo' or whatever, man please! Former SO and I just laugh because they have no idea. They drive around the burb in their Suburbans or Tahoes blasting that BS crap rap like it is the shizzle! I think not...

Miz JJ said...

Thanks for dropping by. I would love to try that trick to get the kids outta my way on the road, but I don't think it would work. Somehow I doubt I look as menacing.

Amadeo said...

That not moving for your car thing is pissing me off. People think their ass is invulnerable.

Blackstar said...

Great blog as usual. I appreciate you even having an interest in your neighborhood. I know if I come home and see another one of these bad assed kids hanging out under the street lights, I'm calling the cops. Where are their mammas? I also like what you said about these fake gangstas imitating what they hear on rap songs. What they don't know is real thugs don't rap or have record deals. Dumb asses!

Blackstar said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

thank u for stopping by! as for MY own experiences...my neighborhood once reeked of Caucazoids & middle-class quiet. now- the pre-teens won't even glance my way- as i sit & wait...and wait...and wait for them to get out the gawt dayum road- and back onto the grass & sidewalks where they belong! now- i walk out to my car..and see blunt "guts" all on da ground next to my car. now- don't get me wrong. I SMOKE!! but i'll be damned if i blow up my OWN spot over it. is it too much to ask to throw trash in the TRASH? TACT & CLASS- we need 'em! sheesh! :) oh- and i really enjoyed ur blog. i'll be back...{SanShine aka ChinaGyal}

Kevin said...

"Fem-inem"?

That's fuckin' hilarious!

glory said...

believe it or not, virginia beach is full of gangsta wannabes. how do i know? i'm related to one of those children you should hit with your car, and his sister is the queen of trash talking and cop calling. damn shame how you take kids out of the hood and they insist on trying to create it in their so-not-the-hood environs...

Rachel said...

Hey man, don't despair. Inspite of all these things you cited, crime is down in your neighborhood and in most of the US. Here's a link to the story on the falling crime rate--http://home.hamptonroads.com/stories/story.cfm?story=65996&ran=61366

These kids are mostly posers...

Cyrus said...

BTW,
Congratulations on the award. I dig the blog.

Cy

Cyrus said...

PS
Thank you for stopping by.

Kyahgirl said...

I have no idea how you found MY blog but thanks for dropping by. I've enjoyed following you back here and reading some of your posts. You're a great writer.
Don't really know what to do about the deteriorating neigborhood problem. Its happening all over. I hate to see such young kids into it,,,their lives are basically a write off.
Laura

funny thing said...

Hey, did you hear that hoodies have been banned in (some) shopping centres in the UK?

Grrr. That'll wipe out street crime.
You can't help but quake in your boots and wet your pants at our hard assed law-enforcers in Britain.

Yeah right.

Nova said...

It always amuses me how guys from the 'burbs claim to be thugs. As if that were something to aspire to be.

saga said...

I feel better on two counts:

a) I'm not the only one trying to run folks over
b) I live in the hood, and your bad-a$$es are worse than mine.

And yes, you do need to come to a meet-up. What a perfect excuse for a road-trip, and for us to go back to Chequers...they have a chocolate fountain, and serve blintzes on the buffet, but I digress...lol

Oliviasmommi said...

I think the only thing worse than the wanna be thugs from the suburbs are the wanna be thugs online. What thug sits in front of a PC all day talking about how "real" and "down" he is??? You just have to laugh...

ManNMotion said...

If you put an "I love George Bush" bumper sticker on your car I'm sure you won't have any explaining to do about righting the girls walking on the street, just add water thugs probably won't talk to you again, and if you do go somewhere it will likely have low security and internet access. So you see, all you have to do is get an "I love George Bush" bumper sticker and everything will be golden.

Sorry, couldn't resist.

Anonymous said...

Dang maan this blog reminds me of back in the day when I was growing up in VA BEACH and it seemed like 95% percent of my classmates claimed to be from uptop and really tried to be hard.
Thats when hip hop was Eastcoast all day! Remember that H.C?? I still got friends with fake accents who have seemed to remain stuck in thier false identities.

CaffeineDiva said...

Maybe I'm paranoid, but is civilization as we know it rapidly coming to an end?

It's not your imagination... I've seen some of the local prosti-tots in you neighborhood (Cera's too)!
For the record, you are paranoid, just not about the local decay. ;)

mai said...

I find fake thugs comical, and I laugh at them as often as possible, but not without telling them why I'm laughing. Your approach with dude and his sad-sack look was on point. He needed correction, big-time.

lol @ "fem-inem"
you ain't right.

Chele said...

Maybe there will come a point and time where you can do more to help right the wrongs you are seeing every day. I hope so.

Brotha Buck said...

I visited one of those ghetto casinos once and was so scared I couldn't pay much attention to the games. There was a shooting three hours after I left. Never went back.

stark said...

You gotta think positively! Civilization is NOT coming to an end. Ok, a lot of things suck and people are doing some crazy ass shit but things have always sucked and people have always done crazy ass shit. Things are getting better... I think. But of course, what do I know. I've hardly seen the bottom of the barrel/ladder/whatever...