Fighting Tips from your Uncle HumanityCritic

I know that being involved in hundreds of fights during my 32 years on earth isn't particularly the most positive thing in the world, but through the wins and loses I feel that I have valuable experience that I need to pass down. The same way elder members of a family sit down around their loved ones and recall cautionary tales of what they once went through, I also envision telling my offspring the benefits of "breaking someones jaw with one punch", or how "punching some asshole with one hand and mushing his girlfriend away with the other" takes serious fucking skill. But not having any kids, that I know of, I am definitely afraid that I will never have anyone to pass this knowledge down to. I mean, on one hand it's probably a good thing that I don't have any kids because I could see myself at their playground, instigating my kid to fight by saying, 'That little bastard took your toy, break that motherfucker off son!!!!" But on the other hand, if I could contain myself enough to not raise a psychopath, I feel that my child would be well versed in the age old art of beating the breaks off someone in the name of "self defense". I thought my knowledge would be wasted, until recently..

Recently, and I don't know how to particularly feel about this, I found out that I am that "crazy friend" everyone has. For the longest time I had tricked myself into thinking I was the "funny friend", but it seems that I have cemented my spot as the "crazy friend" who sometimes tells jokes. That sucks, but I learned my new "title" when I was asked "how to fight" by two pre-teen children of some friends of mine.(I figured that both sets of parents had probably talked openly to their kids about my violent exploits) Each time, in two separate occasions, I didn't see any harm in giving these kids some advice on how to handle themselves. It was pretty innocent I thought, that was until I received two calls a week later about how their children used what I told them on some of their classmates. One of them pulling another girls hair and treating her face as a tether ball when she was being bullied, and the boy crushing a older boy in the mid-section just like Uncle HumanityCritic advised.

The sad part, because their parents are good friends of mine, I had to go to each one and tell them what I taught them was "wrong" and how they don't want to "turn out like me". Jesus Christ, it must have been the first "Scared Straight" pitch ever uttered by a man with a squeaky clean criminal record, and a Independent movie habit that induced my mother to call me a "pussy". So, because I have been unable to infect impressionable minds with my fighting experiences, I will share it with all of you. Some of you might think that my list of "fighting tips" is pointless, but I would beg to differ like a panhandling contrarian, I feel that I am passing down knowledge.

Throat-Chop: Of course many of you know this is my weapon of choice, not because I'm skilled with my hands or anything, but simply because I'm lazy. Because I don't want to end up boxing some drunk asshole in a strip-club parking lot for an hour, like we are in some bad Sylvester Stallone movie, a throat-chop cuts the monotony like a knife. It is best used on someone right in the middle of their "pre fight, tough guy" spiel. Ex. Victim: "Listen asshole, I don't care if you are HumanityCritic or not, no one talks to me..*Whap* (He clutches over, gasping for air) HumanityCritic: What were you saying again??" While he is incapacitated, you have a plethora of options at your disposal. You could: A: Administer a vicious two piece, not the kind that comedian Monique devours at a break neck speed, but severe punches. B. Walk over and talk to his girlfriend. If you think she was giving you the "eye" before, just imagine how into you she is now that you made the love of her life drop to his knees faster than Nicole Richie on a crank binge. Or C. Go through his pockets. Look, I don't need his loot or anything, but nothing is more demoralizing than having a chubby black blogger on top of you screaming "Run your shit!!" while taking off your chain and giving his money to strippers in close proximity.

Sucker Punch: Like Midget blow jobs, people really look down on this practice, but I see nothing wrong with it whatsoever. You could say that the "throat-chop" is a variety of the sucker punch, but a true sucker punch is done in a more skillful and tactical way. Case in point, a year ago the brother of girl I had once dated took offense to how I had treated her. He said, "You are foul man, you just stopped calling her and she was heart broken. What kind of man are you??" Of course he had heard only one side of the story, so you can imagine how pissed he became when I said "Did she tell you how many guys she's having sex with, that's why I left her alone. Shit, she's sexing so many guy's I wouldn't be surprised if YOU fucked her!!" Wrong move on my part because he swelled up like Jim Jones' eye when he got his ass stomped, inducing the bouncer to separate us.

Noticing that he had 4 guys with him, I knew a fair fight would end very badly for your friendly neighborhood pre-ejaculator, so a sucker punch was in order. I walked over to him while he was talking to some girl, and as I approached he said "My bad, listen..*Bap* Dropping him to his knees, leaving the girl he was talking to screaming like I had just hacked him up with a machete. Now, in hindsight, I realize that he was trying to "squash" our beef. Oh well.

Headbutt: I guess this is a pretty self explanatory one, but I have a warning that I want all of you to heed. Make sure you strike your opponent with the proper area of your head, preferably around your hairline, because if you don't you can find yourself knocked out and getting beat up by a rat pack of lesbians. Let me explain. I got into a verbal tiff with a guy who had just started dating my ex-girlfriend. I know this because he was kind of bragging to me about, which I felt was odd, so I told him "You never see a person who just purchased an old jalopy, telling the old owner, 'I have your car now, hee-hee!' Why do you think I got rid of it anyway, all the miles on that motherfucker, and it takes forever it to warm up in the morning!" He started talking trash, and was accompanied by his sister and her friends who were angry lesbians. Their sexual preference would usually be irrelevant, but they screamed "We're Lesbians son!" like they were a god-damned street gang. Anyway, I hit dude with an ill placed headbutt that knocked me and him out. The next thing I knew I was getting my ass kicked by young women who looked like Usher, Fabulous, and Phife Dawg from Tribe.

Clothesline: Possibly the sexiest move you can do to someone if done correctly. I say that because you don't know how many women I scored with simply from them witnessing me put some douche-bag on the ground in the middle of some random club.(Granted, the women were insecure, had father and abandonment issues, had certain orifices big enough to make a day room out of, and were used to dudes striking them..But ass is ass right??) But seriously, some people believe the move is better if your striking arm is totally straight, but I prefer the semi-curved affect for more power. Make sure you put your body into it, the same way you would if you attempted to throw a ball from the Outfield to home plate, making some miserable bastard leave his feet and come crashing to the ground. Try it, you might like it Mikey..

Midsection-Schmidsection: This is going to sound weird coming from a guy who is two cheeseburgers away from never being able to see his penis again, but most people have extremely weak abdominal muscles. Of course there are exceptions, but for the most part people aren't spending their valuable time doing crunches and watching "30 minute abs". I say this because a well placed stomach punch saved me from getting my ass kicked in front of a date one time. Let me explain.

I was leaving a sushi establishment, thinking about going from eating raw fish in that restaurant to eating raw fish in the apartment of the woman I was with, and some dude began to randomly talk slick shit to me. I don't know what his problem was, but since I was on a streak of victorious throat-chops and snatching chains in a demoralizing fashion, I didn't think twice about fighting this gentleman. Problem was, as I immediately found out, this guy was kicking my natural black ass. Blocking my punches, catching me cleanly with uppercuts and hay-makers, I even at one time considered just running away like Black republican do from their community. But because I was with a woman, and other witnesses were around, I fought on. So what happened was, in a stroke of genius, I acted like I was going to jab him but I caught him directly in the stomach instead. *Pow* It knocked the wind out of him, so the next few minutes were spent punching, kicking, and throwing trashcans on this guy who was kicking my ass, while screaming "You really thought you could test me in front of my girl huh?? I got a blog motherfucker, I got a blog!!!"

As my date and I got in the car I figured that she would think I was a stud, a hero, but those visions of grandeur quickly disappeared when she said, "That guy was kicking your black ass!!"