Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Trapped in an episode of "My Name is Earl"

I think the reason why I identify with the show "My Name is Earl" so much is because it kind of highlights an ongoing motif in my life over the past 3 years. Sure there are some subtle differences like the whole "me not being a white" thing, I didn't win the lottery, and I don't carry around a laundry list of past offenses that I wish to clear up rather neatly in a 22 minute time span. But, because I don't want Peter to laugh his ass off at the Pearly Gates shouting "You have got to be fucking kidding me!" when I meet my maker, and because I have believed in the whole Karma aspect for years, I have tried to make amends with people I have wronged and desperately tried to straighten out situations that I made a mess of. Even though this "cleansing" period has hit some rough patches, like when I was dead honest with a girl I was dating and said "Listen, I ain't shit, move on and meet a guy who will really do right by you" as a way of freeing her from the cancer that is Humanity F Critic, she took it as a weaselly way to get out of the relationship so I'm pretty sure she wouldn't piss on me if I was ton fire currently. Besides that, it has been a rather good experience, so here are a few of the things that I have done recently to ensure that Karma won't be so eager to give me the raw end of the stick like a prison rape.

Get rid of stolen chains: Not to incriminate myself here but I have to admit that I have been a chain snatcher for the past decade or so. Granted, I haven't pulled expensive jewelery off the necks of women or old people, I'm not a fucking savage or anything. But I had a bad habit, whenever I was standing over some miserable bastard who I just gave the business end of a right hook to because he started some unnecessary shit with me, of snatching the chain off of their necks for some reason. Scratch that, I know the reason and it wasn't because I wanted any type of monetary reward for it, and it wasn't because I was in need of gaudy jewelery either. It was to demoralize them, nothing makes you feel like a bigger pair of tits after getting beat down, then to have a chubby blogging bastard yank your chain off by saying "Give me that!!(snatch) You'll know next time not to fuck with me!" I know, I'm a prick, but let me give you a few of the offenses of the gentlemen in question before you stop reading my blog forever. 1. The guy beat up my best friend. 2.This other guy called me the N-Word(not Necrophiliac either) 3. Another gentleman sexually assaulted my friend. 4.This guy was talking shit about Kobe Bryant.(Ok, bad reason)

Anyway, I have had these chains in a drawer for a while now just generating bad Karma, probably causing my pre-ejaculatory condition.(OK, I can't blame Karma for that.) So what I did was I took the chains in question to a pawn shop and took the loot and gave it to a Hurricane Katrina charity. I don't know if that act will get me right with Karma or not, but it might think twice when it's mouth is salivating like Pavlov's dog, getting ready to bite me in the ass.

Make Amends with my Neighbor: Let me explain to you how much I despise my neighbor. When a friend of mine cast me in her independent movie(so independent that it will only be me, her, and a few friends "independently" seeing it while getting high) and she wanted to deliver a angry dialogue, I thought about my neighbor to get in character. From his wife having a god-damned Beauty Salon in her garage, the parking space her "clientele" takes up, him blatantly mowing his yard 4 feet into my property, and a plethora of other offenses that had raised my blood pressure significantly last year. But over the past few months I thought we were past our problems, acting like good neighbors and co-existing like adults, that was until recently.

I noticed that the past few times that I had waived in his direction he didn't waive back. OK, maybe he didn't see me, no big deal. Last week, when his eyes were fixed on mine as we both got our morning papers at the same time, I threw my hand up and spoke but this motherfucker didn't respond. Man, I was getting pissed, but like porn flicks focused on fellatio it all came to a head a few days back when I was getting gas. He pulled right behind me, less that a few feet from me by the way, and didn't respond when I spoke to him. That's it, "he needs he ass beat" I thought. For the past few days I acted like any jerk with an anger problem acts, I talk to myself about the incident with incoherent quips like: "That motherfucker doesn't know who he is fucking with!!", "Doesn't he know I will beat him in front of his family??", and "Damn I want to give Rosario Dawson some "man love"". But before I assaulted him wearing a ninja outfit that I own as he got his morning paper, I decided to go over and talk to him while he was fixing his car. We had a decent chat, learned that he has another baby on the way, he's changing careers, and that he thought for the longest time that I hated him. That guy has some good instincts I must admit, but I assured him that I didn't hate him and went on my way. Even though the situation was cleared up, that devil popped on my shoulder and made me say "But make sure you waive back or acknowledge me when I waive, you almost got fucked up!!" See, that was uncalled for.

A Woman Scorned(By me): A few years ago, when I wasn't the germaphobe that I am now and tried to satisfy my every sexual urge, lets just say that I was an insufferable prick in the relationship department.(Granted, I'm only marginally better as we speak) Anyway, I was dating a girl who was not only horrible for me, but the fact that she was cheating on me had revealed itself at that time. I know fellas, I should have dropped her ass like a one armed wide receiver with Parkinson's, but the quality of the booty kept me around sadly. Like anyone who still finds himself with a cheating significant other, I felt that I had a free pass so to speak to conquer random ass carefree. So I started a sexual relationship with an ex of mine, it was wrong I know, but while I clumsily thrusted on top of a woman who wasn't my girlfriend, it was the only moment of sanity I could muster just to get the images of someone "leaving extra room" in my current girlfriend.

Everything was going like clockwork, no one suspected anything, that was until my then girlfriend told me that she planned on working at the same department store as the ex whose boots I was currently knocking from "here to Albuquerque"(Ice Cube quote) But I figured that the department store had many section, from the boys department to hardware, the chances of them working in the same vicinity is slim. Right?? Wrong!! Not only did these broads end up working in the same department, but they started working at the same fucking register. When each one of them would talk to me about the other and how "cool her co-worker is" I knew the gig was up. But since I knew my time was limited like a death row inmate awaiting to get fried like chicken at Grandma's house, I continued having sex with both of them like a madman.

So you can image the anger and outright disgust they both felt when they discovered that the same guy currently knew them in the "Biblical" sense. I was caught, and to make matters worse I didn't show up at their job when they tried to ambush me like a miserable "Parkers" episode either. Looking back I could give a fuck about the feelings of my then girlfriend, she was a miserable human being and the fact that I actually felt "space" after her cheating rendezvous still makes sick to my stomach. But my ex was an innocent bystander, so I always felt that my bad luck with women over the past few years was due to Karma kicking my ass because of it. But recently I saw her in "Barnes and Noble" and felt compelled to talk to her about it.

Like a fucking Lifetime movie, I stood besides a cookbook section apologizing about an old as indiscretion by yours truly. She accepted my apology, but went on to say that she wasn't hurt since I was her dude "on the side" as well. I suddenly felt better, so we spent the next few minutes reminiscing about a plethora of topics. When she said, "I didn't believe that girl was your girlfriend anyway, you never picked her up!! I knew she was lying!!", I didn't have the heart to correct her. Come on Karma, give me a fucking break already..

8 comments:

chele said...

I don't even know what to say when I come here ... other than you crack me up. Thanks for the laugh.

jameil1922 said...

wow... you're special. i liked the katrina one. and i loved that you kicked someone's ass for sexually assaulting your friend. that's beautiful. four of my friends have been raped or nearly raped. and every single one by someone they knew. i wish i could go kick every single person's ass who was responsible for their pain.

Ironman said...

"But, because I don't want Peter to laugh his ass off at the Pearly Gates shouting "You have got to be fucking kidding me!"

Hahahahahahahahaha, I really like that show My Name is Earl good shit.

song4assata said...

HC....baby...why the self-loathing and anger? You obviously have a lot of gifts...yet as always in the pain I see the humor....very good analogy w/Earl...and you are on the right path...try yoga or tai chi for real...smooches, bougie2006

http://underthedryer.blogspot.com

Juli said...

"leaving extra room" in my current girlfriend.

Dude. That has got to be one of the funniest shits I have ever read! LMAO!! So you are getting your smash on and it's all hollowed out in there?? ROFLMAO!!

Breez said...

I am laughing the entirety of my ass off. EXTRA ROOM! LMFAO!!!! I really needed that laugh.

Miss Ahmad said...

i think you path to cleaning your karma might actually be going better than mine...and i'm not sure whether or not I should be depressed about that or not...

Stefano said...

I like My Name is Earl to...