When asked, my closest friends will tell you nice things about me like how I make them laugh, my loyalty, and that I'm probably the only dude they know who will fuck anything with a pulse and a vagina.(pulse optional) After they get finished with the niceties, I'm sure that they will tell you that one of my biggest flaws is how quick something can irritate the piss out of me. I mean, I dumped girls for the unforgivable transgression of constantly chewing with her mouth open, saying that she was a P. Diddy fan once to often, always wanting to cuddle, coming by unexpected, and not wanting to fuck me when she had a dangerously high fever.(What can I say, some shit just bugs me) But as of late I'm trying to be more patient, more compassionate, to the point that I'd be willing to throw an arm around a chick after sex, restrain myself from giving her the finger after she tells me shes a Lil Wayne fan, I now realize that a woman with a 103 degree fever might not want a dick in her. Yes, I'm a work in process..
But one area that I don't mind expressing my irritation is when it comes to some of the commercials that are on T.V nowadays. I know that they only last about 40 seconds and shouldn't have so much thought put into them, but then again I'm the guy who inspects his genitalia with a magnifying glass days after getting new booty, so I guess you might want to consider the source. Anyway, here are a few television commercials that I completely loathe, if you are with me please let me know so I could feel less of a waste of sperm.
The army commercial: I'm sure you have seen that Army recruitment commercial, you know the one where you see the young man or woman in the first days of their new job, their new boss asking them, "Are you sure you can handle this??" Then the young man or woman in question has a flashback of all the difficult and treacherous tasks they had to do while they were in service, tasks that completely outweigh anything their new boss will have them to do, then they say something like "yeah, I think I can handle it!!" Listen, I have love and respect for everyone who ever served this country honorably, hell my father served 30 years in the Navy, I just feel that Military Recruitment commercials are both cheesy and ineffective. Check this out, I have an idea based on those commercials that I'm going to make into a Youtube video soon. Here is the premise:
A young man is in the office of Larry Flynt, porn king extraordinaire, trying to be one of Hustler Magazine's many photographers. Larry Flynt says, "Son, this job requires you to have a good eye, for you to coordinate the models, and a shitload of other responsibilities. Do you have what it takes??" Suddenly the soldier has a flashback of his time at Abu Graibe, organizing the naked prisoners, putting them in compromising positions so he can capture the ultimate picture, then he says "Yeah, I think I can handle it."
The A1 Steak Sauce Commercial: Have any of you seen the A1 commercial that opens up with a woman telling a man you think is her husband, "Stop eating, you really need to listen to me" as the dude looks around while devouring a steak. Then suddenly he gets up and leaves the table, only moments before the woman's actual husband sits down and asks "What happened to my steak??!!" This commercial irks me, but mainly because I would hope that my wife would have given the man in question some strategically placed uppercuts and kicks to the groin until I got there. Matter of fact, this commercial irritates me so much that sometimes you catch me, while I'm on dates I may add, hiding in the midst just waiting for some random dude to start tearing into my steak so I can beat seven shades of shit out of that motherfucker.
The Anti-Drug commercial: How about this commercial, where this chubby black kid is driving his friends around because I guess he is the all time Designated Driver or some shit. While he is driving he goes into this lengthy spiel about how he has his boys back, a rant that creepily goes into him saying that he will "think for them" if they want, at least until college and then he says they are "on their own". I mean, the guy has such a laundry list of shit that he will do for his boys I kept expecting him to say, "On those lonely nights, I'll blow my boys if they want, let them give me a dirty Sanchez, let them hit this ass up like a pinata and then give them the courtesy "reach around, whatever I have to do to stop them taking drugs!!"
The Secret deodorant commercial: Just for the record, when I had live in ass and ran out of deodorant I used my woman's "Secret", I'm not ashamed to admit that. It worked well, except for the fact that I smelled like a flowery vagina all day and had the sudden urge to nit a sweater, besides that I highly recommend it. Anyway, have any of you seen the "Secret" commercial where one woman tells another woman, whether it be two sisters, friends, or a mother and daughter, about some secret that they have been hiding for a very long time. I know its only a commercial but there is no payoff because when the secret is revealed it's on some, "I like your brother" shit. We need to hear real secrets goddammit, like a friend telling another friend "One night I drunkenly blew your father, then played with his balls for a while as well." We need to hear a mother tell her daughter, "The man you thought was your father isn't your father. Hell, I don't know who your father is. It's either our old gardener Javier, one of my old bosses, or Young MC..I was a big fan" Or we need to here a daughter tell her mother, "When you were in a coma I fucked your boyfriend, in the hospital that you were at, to be more accurate in the bed beside yours."