I know in this age of self pity and people not taking responsibility for their actions, me blaming my father for many of my many issues would be as lame as a Wayne Brady rap album. Yes, I feel that my violent tendencies come from the sporadic verbal venom that seemed completely unmanageable out of his mandible. I was told that I "wasn't shit" so much that not only did I think I'd live the rest of my life in perpetual constipation, but my self esteem at times has been as low as suicidal midgets. But all of that is water under the bridge, the man has been dead for five years for Christs sake, and like I told this chick who once wanted me to fuck her ever so discreetly in the back of a club, "It's time to pull that skirt up so we can get to business!!" But the dude had many good things about him, he was a Vietnam vet and served in the Navy for 30 years, he could fix pretty much anything, he provided food and shelter, and sometimes he would give me some pretty kick ass advice.
Like when he said: "If a girl swallows the first time she blows you, she definitely isn't marriage material!" Or when I was a kid and this bully was giving me some trouble and he said "Go over there and hit that motherfucker with a brick. When he is one the ground, stomp on his knees until you get tired. Sure, he will walk with a limp, but he will remember that ass whipping for the rest of his life." But the piece of advice that will stick with me forever, are the words he uttered from his death bed: "It's better to die on your feet, than to live on your knees!!!" Immediately I thought he was talking about prison rape, and how it is better for me to die protecting this sweet ass of mine, than to become someones bitch, getting my anal cavity remodeled so I could store luggage, wash a guy named Tiny's underwear by hand, and walk around holding some jackasses pocket as a sign of ownership(Yes, I'm terrified of being penetrated without my consent)
But I know what he meant, fight for what you believe in, never compromise, never be silent, and be willing to die for your beliefs. That very lengthy introduction leads me to the news that Barack Obama is seriously considering running for President of the United States. When I first heard this it was upsetting, I mean, me and him share a lot of the same beliefs and he seems like a good representative of our country, I just didn't want the brother to get shot. But then I thought about what my father said, no, not "Asian pussy is to die for!!" but "It's better to die on your feet, than to live on your knees". If Barack feels he can be HNIC, godspeed, but I suggest that he follows the following advice:
Pay off ex-girlfriends: As far as I can tell Barack Obama seems like a pretty stand up guy, but even the most decent of dudes have skeletons in their closets. Usually those random bones come in the form of ex-girlfriends, so it would be beneficial to Mr. Obama if he paid these treacherous harlots as soon as possible. I mean, you don't want it to come out that you once were on the business end of a pair of beads, the fact that you made an ex of yours dress up like Foxy Brown before sexual relations, your habit of humming the "Smurfs" theme while ejaculating, or how you used to throw women out of your house approximately 2 seconds after climaxing.(Ok, the last two are my worries if I ever became president) So I suggest that you keep them quiet via some sort of payment, along with a cryptic "Keep you fucking mouth shut or else!!" Let them interpret the "for else" how they want, I've noticed that even implying that you are a bad ass gets your point across.
Hire the S1W's for protection: I know that we have heard black comedians say for the longest time that the first black president will probably be targeted for assassination while giving his inauguration speech. Unfortunately, there is a grim reality behind the comedy, there are so many sick fucks out there who will want to see Mr. Obama taken out because the color of his skin. Take it from me, I'm from Virginia, and if I had a nickel for every time I heard some inbred fuck talk about wanting to "Kill Clinton", I would have enough weed and whore money to last 2 lifetimes. As much as people joke and say that Clinton was our "first black president", Mr. Obama will literally be our first black president, so you can just imagine how many fundamentalists and militia groups want to end Mr. Obama's presidency prematurely. I have a solution, hire Public Enemy's Security of the 1st World, better known as the S1W's. They would sweep the area for any would-be snipers, they would aggressively frisk anybody(press corp, well known reporters, they would even make David Letterman stick out his tongue for razor blades), they would penetrate and dismantle militia groups even if they had no plans to harm the president. Just imagine how cool it would be to see the S1W's precede Barack Obama before press conferences, wearing all black and stepping in unison. Besides, when someone asks a silly question, Professor Griff would say "What kind of question is that? Ask that again and I will make your nose bone stab your brain. Next question!!" Also, whenever Barack says something profound, the S1W's will scream out "The revolution has been in effect . . . go get a late pass !"
Beware of white women: Don't get the title twisted, I have said from day one that if I had to chance to be with my sweet Janeane Garofalo, I would take her to a Nation of Islam meeting while snacking on a rib sandwich. That being said, we all know that there is a healthy fear of the black man by a shitload of Americans out there. Let's look at two controversial examples, when Madonna put out that "Like a Prayer" video, and last year when people were upset at the indecency of Nicollette Sheridan taking off her towel in that commercial with Terrel Owens. People weren't upset that Madonna's video was somehow sacrilegious, people were pissed that she kissed a black guy. People weren't upset that the commercial with T.O was sexually suggestive, they were mad that she disrobed and gave a naked hug to a black guy. Mr. Obama, your presidency should be about inclusion and rejecting racial prejudice, just make sure your wife is in the shot whenever you are pictured with a white woman.
Show people that you are tough: The one downside about Barack Obama, according to most political junkies, is his lack of foreign policy experience. So suffice it to say, if somehow a person with melanin is the next occupant of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Obama will have to quickly prove to the American people that he is not to be fucked with. I'm talking about going to the office of one his opponents after they say some negative things about him in the press, on some "Puffy visiting Steve Stoute after the uncut version of "Hate Me Now" shit, gently tapping a bat in the palm of his hand saying "What was that shit you said about me on "Hardball" motherfucker??" Even before you become Commander-in-chief, during the presidential debates, after you eloquently state your point tell your opponent "Now, we can handle this like gentlemen or we can get into some gangsta shit??" As President, if diplomacy fails with another country, make a dis record. Sanctions, shmanctions, that's all lip service, but the world will know you mean business if you have a track that includes the lines: "I'm an amazing specimen and a blazing thespian/ Kim Jong Ill is a coward who looks like an Asian lesbian!!"