Friday, October 20, 2006

The Preacher's wife..: My 6th Date

I don't know if girls do this, hell, I wouldn't be surprised if I was the only guy who did this, but I find myself thinking about the "ones that git away" a lot lately. Like Samantha, a Jamaican girl originally from Jersey, she would have done anything for me but I was too busy chasing my MC dreams and girls who were sexually faster than Florence Griffith Joyner. Then we had Kianna, a southern girl who believed that a good meal could solve all the worlds problems, besides her culinary skills she had an ass so big that when we she rode me backwards it felt like a couple of midgets punching me in the stomach. I think I left her because I didn't want to be "tied down". But the one that truly haunts my daydreams of regret is a woman that I dated named Sheila, not only did she have beauty, brains, and the ability to make one hell of a post sex sandwich, I distinctly remembering her kicking a guy in the head after I had knocked him out in a random bar room altercation. Even though I don't exactly remember why I broke up with her in the first place, I emotionally kick myself every day because she was the epitome of wifey material. I mean, where else would I find a woman who got off on giving oral, enjoyed seeing me be rude to people, and would be a sympathetic enabler to my random acts of bar-room violence.

She has been on my mind though, I don't know if it was because I was simply reflecting on my life or simply because I was trying to conjure up as many masturbatory thoughts as humanly possible. Then, wouldn't you know it, I ran into her at the grocery store by my house. **Quick Commercial Break** Let me pause this story for a minute, I have to ask you a question. Why is it that whenever you run into someone of importance, they always look immaculate and you look like a complete piece of dog shit. She was wearing some sort of summer dress, the easy access kind(if you know what I mean), she smelled like what I'd imagine what Willy Wonka's factory must smell like, and she had a peaceful beauty about her like she just finished running through a wheat field and shit. Me, I just finished playing basketball so I had on black Adidas, camouflage shorts, Public Enemy t-shirt, my hair needed to be tightened up, and I'm pretty sure I smelled like a combination of a bum's nut sack and extremely old cabinets. OK, back to our regularly scheduled program.**

Anyway, we talked a bit, found out that we were both single, and I figured that my arm pit sweat was so intoxicating that I conned her into going on a date with me. Here's how it went.

Date #6: The Preachers Wife: Let me tell you, nothing makes a lazy, anti-social bastard like myself happier than hearing a woman say that she wants the date to start and end at her residence. I mean, I wasn't going to play myself and try to consummate our reunion the right way, but if I said that I didn't have visions of me pumping for 2 minutes, getting up with a bewildered look on my face and saying "My bad" wasn't in the back of my mind, I'd be lying. So I go the door, wine and semi-erect penis and all, and as she opens the door I see her looking around kind of nervously. I didn't think nothing of it at the time. I walk into a beautiful 6 bedroom house, and immediately she ushers me to a table full of food, which was weird because I thought we would shoot the shit a little first. What was supposed to be a simple dinner looked like a spread that you would have to feed hungry soldiers, or a small snack for Reuben Studdard, I felt like I was in a virtually realty version of "Soul Food".(not the Showtime series with that Darren "Dance grooves" fuck either.)

While we are chowing down I notice her trying to mask how uncomfortable she is, flashing insincere smiles and replying to my questions like she is being forced to by gun point. But after a while she seems a litle more comfortable, she starts laughing at my corny jokes, we start to reminisce on old times, she slides her chair closer to mine, she randomly touches my hand during conversation, she doesn't seem to mind when she catches me talking to her boobs. It was then when this thought crept into my head :I'M GOING TO GET SOME ASS!! Yaaay!! Do you know how infrequently I fuck, I'm sure has-been schmucks like Gary Coleman and that ugly Snap "I got the power!!" dude have a more extensive arsenal of on-call ass than I do, so I immediately grew a chubby, fuck it, a motherfucking baby arm!!

Next I attempted something that has gotten me slapped many a time, I reached over, grabbed her face, and kissed her with all the untamed passion a chubby insecure guy could muster. The thing is, she didn't stop me, then I found myself making out with her on top of the table we were eating at, there's something sexy about getting ready to fuck someone next to a bowl of mash potatoes. Then, right when I'm thanking myself for being arrogant enough to bring condoms and sliding her panties down, she says "Wait, Wait.. I can't do this.. HumanityCritic, I'm married." Because I wanted to penetrate her in the worse way imaginable, I said, "So, I'm a Virgo. Let's do this!!" But she made it clear that we weren't bumping uglies, so as we sat next to each other she told me that she was legally married, but she was getting a divorce soon. When she noticed that "in that case, lets fuck" look on my face, she said "HumanityCritic, he's a preacher!!" Then I was like, "That's more reason for us to have sex, that guy is probably touching little boys penises right now!!", in which she replied "Wrong religion asshole".

I tried every tactic in the book but she wasn't buying, she wanted to stay faithful to her husband even though he didn't have the same exemplary track record. I guess I'll have a steady flow of ass in a couple of months when the divorce is final, but that didn't stop me from trying to get mine. I pointed to the tent that I was pitching in my pants and asked her, "How about a mouth-hug for old times sake??", that didn't work, "How about a hand-job, just pretend you are downshifting!!", that didn't work, and when I said "How about you dance seductively while rapping the words to "Paid in Full" while I masturbate??", and that's when she threw me out.

14 comments:

Stu said...

"a bowel of mash potatoes"

You should have shifted it aside... A bowel movement!

I think you meant bowl ;)

Jdid said...

preachers wife!! what is this some trapped in the closet shit? is her man's name rufus? son you better run if any midgets get involved.

Femigog said...

Yes, Janes inventory the ones that got away and
Oh my God...Rap "Paid In Full" while you beat one off? Freaking GOLD Sir!!!

Stikki said...

Damn!!! Married people need to be up front about shit... I love your effort though.

Anonymous said...

hahaha i dont believe you at all...

.::Dolce:Amaro::. said...

I love your entire blog, I've been reading it for about 2 hours now....as for the date....
you should have GUT PUNCHED the broad for being so damn deceiving. She gives women like me a bad name.

Anonymous said...

I only wish T.V. and movie writing was as good as what you create. I see a bright future for you and the material that is as fresh and witty as any stuff out there. Well done and funny!

sunshine said...

Are you serious?!?

NegroPino™ said...

wow!!!SO HER hubby was cheating on her or was gay?

SAILOR MOON said...

OHHH...YOU GET ME INTROUBLE AT WORK LET ME TEELLL YOU...IM LAUGHIN MY ASS OFF HERE! SHE SHOULD HAVE ALREADY DONE U IF SHE LEF TYOU IN THE FIRST PLACE. WHAT DID SHE THINK WAS GOING TO HAPPEN...?

Anonymous said...

Wow.....shuddah stayed wit' me!!!!

Reese The Law Girl said...

Hey, the best things come to those who wait, right?

Dr Flav said...

You are so fuckin in there... "a motherfucking baby arm!" lol.

Brother OMi said...

man you are a nut.... but at least she cooked for you...