Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Bar Buddies aka "Single Serving Friends"

I was watching "Fight Club" the other day and the character that Edward Norton plays said something that caught my attention. Because his career had him traveling on a regular basis, and he frequently stayed on airplanes and in hotels, he called the people he met on his journeys "single serving friends".(Because on airplanes and in hotels you get single serving nuts, toothpaste, shampoo, etc.) I kind of feel the same way about the "bar buddies" that frequent my favorite bar. "Bar buddies" are individuals that I'm cool with inside the establishment, but there is no relationship outside said watering hole. Everyone has a story, here are a few.

Jesse: Jesse is a biker guy who has been going to my bar for quite a while, probably before I started going there. Nice dude, who almost gets excited when he sees me. Which probably wouldn't be an issue, but when I go to shake his hand he gives me a hug, for entirely too long. Besides the awkward public displays of affection, he is alright by me. recently he told me that he was getting married to a girl that frequents our bar. When I asked him who it was, and he told me, I was totally disgusted. See, the woman that he is going to marry has fucked every low-life in that bar. Her name is Mary but I call her "marijuana" because every guy in there has had a hit of that. I wanted to ask him why in the hell would he marry "that", I wanted to give him some tough love and tell him that you can't turn a ho into a housewife, but since he is simply a bar buddy I keep my mouth shut and wish him well on his future union.

Lamont: The only reason I put up with this gentleman is because he is older, and he is nice to me. But let me explain one important fact, Lamont's breath smells like Napalm. The odor that escapes his mouth could wake the dead, the bad part is that he says a shitload of "B" and "P" words so talking to him is slow torture. When you get past the shitty breath, Lamont tells so many lies it is completely laughable. Lies include: "Bruce Lee was once my personal teacher", "James Brown stole all his hits from me, I wrote those songs", "I'm the one who taught Jimmi Hendrix how to play the guitar", "Earth, Wind, and Fire" gave me a check for a million dollars for songs that I wrote for them". If his breath didn't smell like a thousand miles of shit I might find him mildly entertaining.

Jerry: 20-something clean cut republican, pretty nice guy. We get into political discussions which end up with him getting upset with me because of the colorful language I use when talking about our current president of the United States. What bothers me about Jerry is that I think he is a closeted homosexual, if he is gay that's fine I just have a problem with people who jump through hoops in order to hide it. Reason why I think he is gay. A)He has a shitload of gay friends B)He finds every opportunity to talk about women that he is "fucking", no straight man talks about sex THAT much C)He has asked me to go to gay bars "just for laughs" D)He seems to be a little bit TOO passionate about gay rights(I'm for gays having equal rights too, but I don't think I would challenge a group of men to a fight like Jerry once did)

Suzy: I have talked about her before, she is a tough but beautiful Latina that frequents my favorite bar. She talks more shit than me, and I think she would leave me with permanent scars if i ever decided to fight a woman. When I met her she used to date a guy named Larry, but that ended horribly when Suzy's husband beat Larry within a inch of his life.(I didn't know Suzy was married until that happened) She's cool, but when she gets drunk she gets belligerent and it can be rather embarrassing. The last time I saw her I wanted to beat up her husband because he thought something was going on with me and her. He gave me nasty looks all night and made a hand gesture implying that he was going to shoot me. The guy is like 5 foot, but I went over and grabbed him by the neck and asked him what his problem was. Even though Suzy hates her husband, I think my act of aggression probably ender our bar friendship.

Mark and Katie: These two individuals are a couple who have been going to the bar that I frequent for about the past few months. Mark thinks we are friends but I openly want to beat his ass. Reasons why I want to beat his ass include: 1)One time when I entered the bar he screamed, "HumanityCritic, my Nigga!!" When he did that I mushed him in the face, and told him if he ever did that that I would "kick him in the chest" 2)When he gets drunk he hugs people and becomes very belligerent 3) He beats his wife and isn't apologetic about it. His wife is cool, and i want to tell her that she should leave her husband, but because she is simply a "Bar Buddy" I turn the other way. But I have to admit though, I talk shit to Mark constantly so I would have a reason to chop that motherfucker in the throat, but he doesn't take the bait.

15 comments:

another who thinks al's full of shit said...

sounds like a dysfunctional CHeers! ha ha ha ha ha

Positively Cheryl said...

Lamont...damn. He sounds pretty rank and I think that Jesse is a closet homosexual too. Maybe he's marrying the bar ho because it doesn't matter anyway. She's just a facade.
Lol...a thousand miles of shit. I gotta use that one!

Nikki said...

Dudes like Mark make me wanna slap them just because.

Jdid said...

oh man suzy sounds like fun. she's married. nooo

Neena said...

Single serving friends. I like that. That's pretty much how I feel about most people- small doses. Great blog.

Luke Cage said...

Hey HC. You started off by referring to Fight Club, so I knew this was going to be a good post. (Like all of your others) Believe it or not, so many of the places we hang out have these pockets of strange individuals that fall at the bottom of the acquaintance pool dubbed along the lines of your Bar Buddies.

For me and guys of my ilk, we have the Gym Buddies. And man, what a strange list of characters those guys are-lol- I too hold back from giving advice or suggesting something because that's all that they will ever be..buddies.

DaKelzz said...

Great story...

I have so many "single serving friends" that its ridiculous...

Schatzi said...

WOW... What a group.

I worked in a bar while I was going thru school. MAN.. You could find some characters in there.

Dayrell said...

lol. i have to give it up to you, you're better then me about lamont. b/c i don't think i'll even be able to talk to him at all, w/o finding every excuse in the world to hand that brutha either a tick tack, tongue scrapper, or a gallon of mouthwash. lol.

Coffey0072 said...

Hahaha I love this rant.
There's this cool hole in the all bar right next my apartment building called, Federal Cafe. All types of people go in there. Collegiates g, twenty-thirty somethings, Fire fighters, bikers, babes, old dirty daddies, blacks, whites, etc.
Needless to day, once last year, while I was in there with two of my friends, these two hardcore bikers... they had the big leather arm cuffs, jackets, studs, long greasy hair,dirty jeans, the whole nine yards sat across from us and proceeded to ogle us lasciviously.
One of them was wasted and kept laying on my shoulder and gesticulating (a sign language fucktards use I'm assuming) despite my repeated shoulder jerks to get him off, and the other one told us that he had "Jungle Fever" and was "hung" real good.
That was the end of That shit. He said he wanted to go to the ATM machine to get some money to buy us drinks and to wait for him, he'd be right back.
Needless to say, we didn't wait. I love YOUR bar though. hahahahaha

Zantiferous3 said...

Wow... I'm digging your bar already. I used to frequent a bar with a girlfriend of mine... we were regulars... and I wonder what category we fell under. LOL We were pretty lo-profile... but I wonder if anyone ever lumped us into some type of category now reading this... don't you wonder how someone would describe you? LOL

Ms. World said...

In two days, you`ve got me addicted to your weblog. DAMN you!

Fran said...

You will always find every kind in a bar! LMBO @ lamont...Man, I would just love to hang out with you for ONE day. My cheekies would be hurting from laughing too much, hehe...:D

E to the dwige said...

LMAO dude...this is a great post.

Krystyna said...

gosh your bar sounds like mine...i have the same kind of people it's great i love it.

which is why i'm hopin to write some kind of book about the place....