Tuesday, April 05, 2005

A Fictitious Tale about a Coffee-Shop

HumanityCritic Dictionary:

Coffee-shop- Describing any person who falsely tries to promote themselves as being "earthy". They think that growing dreadlocks, reading poetry, burning incense, and eating tofu makes them better than everyone else. Nothing is wrong with the things that I have just described, I just have a problem with anyone that does those things just to front, just to personify an image. I hate fucking posers!

It's a boring Friday night and I am driving around aimlessly for something or someone to get into. 31 is such a weird age because I feel like a old man when I go to the "21 and up" clubs, and I feel like a toddler when I go to the "30 and up" clubs.(Most of the people there are my momma's age) Then I remember hearing that this club in Norfolk that I used to go to is having a poetry night. Matter of fact my notebook is sitting right there on my passenger's side seat, it might be cool to recite some prose and try something different.

After about a 15 minute drive I reach my destination. I approach the doorman and give him the five dollar cover. He clenches his hands together, bows and says, "Peace my brother". I reply, "Peace brother! But what's all the bowing for, this ain't the Karate Kid." He gives me a strange look as I enter the establishment. As I stroll down the corridor all I see is smoke, which is getting me hyper because I know that someone has that sweet bud that they might share with a brother. As I investigate further I get disappointed, "It's motherfucking incense!! Shit!", I shout out.

As I walk in the main part of the club all I see is dreadlocks, head-wraps, dashiki's, sarongs, and any type of "coffee-shop" uniform that you can name. A brother who introduced himself as "Born Supreme" comes out of nowhere and tries to sell me some incense and candles. I politely decline. I guess because of my dreadlocks and my unshaven look of the day, people in attendance consider me as one of their own. Ladies coming up telling me how much they love my hair, touching, stroking, I usually hate that shit but when beautiful women touch your hair without asking its OK.

A dreadlocked sister who went by the name "Buttafly" starts talking to me about the importance of respecting women, honoring our black women, and the objectification of women in videos. I nod in agreement as she talks while I am looking at her nipples that are protruding through her dashiki and wondering what the chances were of me taking her home that night. While dirty thoughts race through my mind, "Born Supreme" returns asking if I want some incense. Again, I politely decline.

Across the room I see a chick that I know named Paula. We catch eyes and I waive in acknowledgment. She doesn't waive back and she gives me a brief look and looks away. Why would she diss me? What did I do to her? I know what it is! She is trying to pass herself as so "earthy" and "righteous" to the group of individuals that she was talking to, but I am the only one that knows her secret. The secret which entails her spreading her legs faster than "Dominique Dawes without drawls"(lifted from a Rass Kass lyric) We actually called her "Headdy Murphy" because her last name was Murphy and she had a love for giving "mouth hugs". Because I am a prick I scream out across the room "Headdy! Long time no see!" Her look of embarrassment was priceless.

I go to the bar and order a rum and coke. The "Bartender" tells me that they are not serving alcoholic drinks that night, that they were only serving water and natural drinks. "That is Bullshit", I say as I leave the club momentarily and get two mini bottles of Jack Daniels out of my glove compartment. I go back to the bar and order some fruity ass drink and secretly poor the contents of the mini bottles into my drink. Thats more like it!

I'm watching the poets and most of them suck complete ass. I mean, I know that poetry is a individual expression that shouldn't be judged too harshly, but fuck that. Also, I hate abstract poetry. Let me clarify, I like abstract poetry when it is done well, but it gives too many untalented fucks a chance to hide behind it and fool people into thinking that they are actually saying something. In my Abstract Poetry voice: "I visit the planet mars and discuss scripture with aliens/ I make love with the color red with every word that's said/I am water, drink me, rethink me" Get out of here with that incoherent bullshit! Every poet looked like they knew the movie "Love Jones" verbatim, posers, the whole lot of them! It just seemed to me that every female poet was doing it to seem more "Worldly", and every male poet was doing it just to get ass.

As I am watching this debacle "Born Supreme" comes back around, before he says a word I firmly say "NO!" By this time I have heard poets say things like "I don't want to make love to your body, I wanna make love to your mind", "I hate clubs, they are beneath me!", "Don't put that in your body, free yourself of the swine", and other ramblings that made me roll my eyes. So I decided to get on stage and express myself. I put my notebook down and decided to freestyle it.

I approach the microphone and say, "Hello everyone. I will be blessing you with my verbal stylings. I hope you enjoy"

In a very mocking poetry voice I perform the following piece.

Coffeeshop, where fake ass Negro's dwell/
Yall ain't serving no liquor, what the hell/
I saw Paula here, chick couldn't speak/
probably because she's a ho, and I know she's a freak/
I have dreadlocks, but don't get it twisted/
I can admit that titty's and a fat ass makes me go ballistic/
Cats hate clubs? When did being a poet stop you from being a man?/
A devout Christian would agree that seeing drunk sluts is a great plan
Brother's talking about respect, we'll see how long that lasts/
At the end of the day ladies, all men just want that ass/
Trying to be Jamaican, with all the frontin' and fakin'/
I'll eat a piece of Bacon and yell As-Salaam-Alaikum/
I eat a porkchop sandwich with a chick name Becky on my arm/
Make the DJ play Willie Nelson and scream, "This songs the bomb!"
I'd do that simply because I really don't care/
I'm going to smack somebody if another person touches my hair/
This ain't the set of ""Love Jones", yall just some pretenders
Women acting all righteous, when last year they were "backseat benders"/
I'm going to a bar because its almost last call/
To all those perpetrating a fraud, Fuck all yall!


(HumanityCritic starts to throw the mic down, but notices that they put some Hippy-like scarf around it. He screams "What the fuck" and proceeds to throw it against the wall.)

As I begin to walk out of the club I see that I have many of the women there mesmerized. They all take off their afro wigs and a weave is revealed. The dashikis and flower skirts are removed, suddenly they appear to have tight skirts, daisy dukes, extra tight shirts, and hooker boots. They follow me out of the club like I am the Pied Piper, which excites me because of the sin that will take place later. Before i reach the door "Born Supreme" stops me and starts to ask me to but some incense. I slam him against the wall and yell, "Enough with the motherfucking Incense. Jesus!!"

The End


*Even though this story is fictitious, there are some true Elements of real life people and events.(i.e Paula, the incense man, and me reciting a poem just to piss people off)

35 comments:

Brother OMi said...

ah ah ha ha h aha hahah ha ha hah ha ha ha

To be honest, i don't see why you don't do the poem. its dope .. i mean next venue i dj i will call you to come through and do it. for real ...

ha ha ha ha
but i feel you, 90% of the cats out there do it to get booty.

heck, you don't even have to do poetry to get booty just go to an open mic.

Tha G Perspective said...

I hope I'm in "the sanctuary" when this happens in real life.

courtneyelizabeth said...

lol...nice post....although ficticious...very real. :)

Schatzi said...

"Headdy Murphy" ROFLMAO..

BronxGrlnVA said...

Hilarious.

Jez Chill said...

ROTFL! I really do feel what you're saying. Folks ask me often, Why I have locks, who does it, do I smoke weed....

Coffey0072 said...

Holy cow, dare I say you're like a male version of... um... ME.

Thanks again for checking out my blog!

ciao

I.luv.me.sum.swine said...

ha fuckin lareous! You crack me the hell up.....
porkchop samwhich w/Becky on your arm....too dam funny

gonebabygone said...

Lol...good story.

melette said...

Man, this was classic. Hilarious!!

Jdid said...

I feel ya on this. had a situation where for about two years me and my boys shared a space on a friday night with a group of poetry types who looked down on us. The funny thing was every once in a while I would perform and i'd get the why do you hang with those guys instead of performing more often type stuff but to me i just couldnt spend week after week hanging with self righteous frauds. I mean occasionally I'd hear a good poem but 95% of it was wack. like folks just performing to hear themselves speak.

I say if someone reads your poem and it doesnt make no damn sense you shouldnt be allowed to perform it becuae you're just gettin by on style not substance.

saga said...

funny as hell, and oh so true

frankly, i've been turned off by the poetry scene for a minute now - i heard one too many poem that spawned "eargasms" or contained the words conscious, Queen AND pussy, which is basically just wrong, ugh.

Toya said...

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hell naw! i was about to say i know all of that cant be true, especially towards the end, but a good chunk of it is uh? lol, i'm mad you did that poem and busted ol' girl out like that, you wrong for that...but i feel you on that, especially if you have your hair natural...like i havent had a relaxer in almost 5 years...and this guy tried to holla at me, and he was all into poetry, and incense, and going to this underground hip hop club and kept trying to talk to me...i asked him why he wanted to talk to me, he said because "i like you look, the natural look"....lol, i got mad, i'm like that doesnt mean i burn incense, read poetry (which i really dont care for), and like to go to these coffee shop/poetryclubs/freestyle underground hip hop places....i'm like i just have my hair natural in a fro and twist because relaxers take out my hair, and i listen to gospel, rnb and old school music...lawd@these folks...

chele said...

....its all about what each of us sees between the lines of others words..
the picture that we so eagerly bought as you proceeded with the story..
great work..
thanks for stopping..
m

josie said...

that story got potential to be a mini movie

Goldi said...

Attack of the Neo Soul Kidz - very real. This is why I do not attend poetry events in my town. Everyone pretends to be Saul Williams, Common, Erika, India and Jil Scott for 3 hours. Dudes wrapping their hair like Sway, knowin' they are baldheaded.

o said...

The poetry was GOLD!!!! I had a good laugh. Good post!!

Sankofa said...

Hi my name is Sankofa and I am Coffee...HI SANKOFA!!! lol

I wear cowrie shells. I burn incense. I listen to Erica, Jill and Common. I write poetry. I drink green tea and eat spicy peanut noodles. I go to open mics. Hell, I've hosted open mics.

Please love me anyway Critic.

LOLOL! This was a great post Papi. My coffee ass is impressed.

One (typical coffee sign-off)

EJ Flavors said...

That was funny. as. hell.

August said...

I write poetry, and used to do the coffee shop circuit. I don't anymore. Why? BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU SAID. Phonies. I didn't wear my natural hair then (I do now) so nobody paid much attention. Now I am soooo deep. PULEAZE! LMAO @ your fake poetry voice. I despise it.. blatant robbery of Nikki Giovanni's style and don't know where it comes from.

Last thing tho... I know EVERY WORD of Love Jones. It's classic MAN!

B.E.G said...

hysterical....as usual.

NeenaLove said...

you are a wonderful story teller!!! LOL... is that a good thing or a bad thing?

DaKelzz said...

LMBAO!! Great Post!!

peachy said...

Mouth hugs. HA!!HA!!

MiniMee said...

LMAO... man the poem killed me by itself, but when you noticed the "hippy scarf" around the mic?? LMAO... I had to crack up. I am SO glad I work alone. This is the funniest post I've read here since the one where you chased a crackhead and karate chopped someone in the throat, LOL.

Sonia said...

You just made my day. Now I'm free to go about my business and get some homework done.

This is my first time reading anything you wrote. (I know about your journal because my friend kept talking about you...and you left a comment on my post(THANKS)).

I enjoyed my read.

TATA

Safire said...

I call female coffee-shops "headwrap hoes" or "headwraps." But that's not mine; got it from the boyfriend who got it from his boy who made a bomb ass song 'bout these hoes out here, playacting like they Erykah Badu.

Lambchop said...

Hilarious!!!

Zantiferous3 said...

Genius... as always. =)

sj-the-infamous said...

This might be the funniest.shit.eva.....

Ron said...

This is too damn funny.

Ghagged said...

If it aint the truth. Speak on it humanity Speak on it!

msjaim said...

I dont even know how I came across ur blog, but that was rather HILARIOUS MAN!!!Its the same thing in Chicago( I guess its a wide spread epidemic)I write , but cant stand those fake ass def poetry jammers either... u r too wild, I dig it!

Chele said...

This is some stuff you wrote befoe I stumbled upon your blog. I'm glad I have a chance to catch up on the back issues. Hillarious.

the only black girl in wicker park said...

hi lar ee us.

yeah, bruh. i almost forgot it was a work of fiction.