Come to think of it, that WAS fucking racist!!!!

Like Stonehenge, the Parthenon in Greece, or this old whore named Ruth who's toothless blow-jobs invoke ejaculatory eye-rolls, some things truly stand the test of time. Whether its the back and forth delivery of Run D.M.C on "Peter Piper", Denzel Washington's performance in Malcolm X, Bill Withers' beautiful heartfelt ode to his grandmother in the song "Grandma's Hands", or one of Pele's acrobatic bicycle kicks where he propelled a soccer ball by some hapless goal keeper, some things you just know will be discussed way after we are dead and gone. Some things on the other hand, like Vivica Fox's nose, Martin Lawrence's career, my hairline, and hopefully the miserable existence of wannabe Hip Hop wordsmiths who whined like little girls about "Hip Hop is Dead" but had the audacity to masturbate all over the Clipse album and act like it was the lost Ark of the fucking Covenant or some shit, definitely don't stand the test of time. For example, maybe because I was raised in Virginia and didn't have any "..and then the DJ plugged his turntables into the light pole" stories like a lot of New Yorkers did, but growing up I liked both "Breakin" and "Beat-street" to be totally honest, with a passion I had only felt a few times before when I would intimately fondle myself to images of Smurfette. With "Beat-Street", even though they had many legendary people sprinkled throughout that movie, I thought that that flick was almost a documentary based on how real it seemed to me. As for "Breakin", lets just say that I was so awestruck with that movie that for months afterwords you could see me actively recruiting awkward looking Caucasian girls to join my dance team. That's why I feel so weird about hating those movies now, seeing how corny they were and how they weren't really a legitimate representation of Hip Hop culture, its akin to trashing one of your first girlfriends even though you thought the world of them at the time.

So yeah, I'm conflicted about movies where dudes with jheri-curls dance alongside floating brooms, where white girls save the day, and flicks where the beautiful love interest would later embarrassingly appear in the black face tour de force that was "Soul Man". One thing I'm not conflicted about is being honest when it comes to spotting overt racism in film and television that I once loved, even if I did think at a time that they could do no wrong like new born babies, a Premo beat, or Filipino hookers with amazingly low prices. Here are some examples of things that I once a fan of, but now when I see them I simply say "Come to think of it, that WAS fucking racist!!"

The Little Rascals Series: I know that Hollywood is pretty rough terrain for black folks in 2007, so I can only imagine how difficult is was for brothers and sisters trying to get acting work in the late 20's and 30's. Its been documented that many African American performers at the time were highly intelligent individuals who felt that the only way they could get work was to take demeaning roles that propelled stereotypes, and a part of me forgives them because it was probably the only work they could get and I can understand that many of them had to feed their family's. As a kid I never understood why my old man would cringe every time he saw me glued to the television, watching what predicament Stimey, Buckwheat, Alfalfa, and Spanky got themselves into. I wondered why my father couldn't grasp the pure genus that the "Our Gang" series was, my entire childhood consisted of me constantly thinking "What in the fuck is his problem???"(Yes, I was a foul mouthed toddler as well)

About tweleve years ago when I was in college I sat and watched one of those "Little Rascals" shorts that I had loved so much as a child. Within moments, especially since he was raised in the segregated south, I fully understood why my father would cringe whenever I watched those black and white movies. As I sat there watching the mangled English of the black characters, the way the black kids would always be seen chowing down on Watermelons, the Bug-eyed look they'd flash accompanied with their hair standing on end whenever they were frightened, and how in the story-line those characters' fathers were conveniently incarcerated, I quickly adopted the same facial contortion that my father would make whenever he noticed that I was watching an episode of "The Little Rascals". God Bless them, but some of the black actors who were a part of that series defended "The Little Rascals" in their adult years, noting the integrated cast and explaining that everyone was stereotyped, but I respectfully feel that you can't spin the portrayal of a pickanini.

Long Duck Dong: If I'm ever rich and famous and feel the need to exclusively date women who look like they belong on a Nazi recruitment poster(Blond hair and blue eyes), black women should point their collective blame directly at Mr. John Hughes himself. "16 candles", "Breakfast Club", and "Pretty in Pink" were the cinematic gateway drug that lead me to the wonderful world of crushing on white chicks that started with the goddess that is Molly Ringwald. The other day, as I daydreamed about taking Ms. Ringwald from behind and tugging her beautiful red mane while screaming in her ear "Call me Long Duck Dong Dammit!!", it brought to mind that very character in the movie "16 Candles". Listen, I know that it's a 23 year old comedy and shouldn't be taken as serious as a prostate exam, but when I thought how amazingly stereotypical Long Duck Dong was, I'm certain that that particular movie is used as a recruitment tool for Asian gangs based on all the silly stereotypes. I guess one could overlook the botched English, the squinting of the eyes, and a slew of other shit that the "Donger" does in the film, especially if you aren't Asian yourself, but I have to think this character is akin to black-face for black folks. Fuck it, I still love "16 Candles" and will continue to pleasure myself to the lovely visage that is Molly Ringwald, I just had to chin check John Hughes on a piece of racism I caught 20 years too late.(Speaking of stereotypes John, whats up with that scene in "Weird Science" where Anthony Michael Hall attempts to sound like an old black man??)

Tom & Jerry: It would be remiss of me not to call out "Tom & Jerry" when it comes to racism as well, but you had to be a frequent viewer of said cartoon to "peep the science" so to speak. I used to love this cartoon, how could you not love a cat and a mouse declaring war on each other to the point that they either wind up getting electrocuted, being flattened by cinder-blocks, or blown the fuck up by dynamite, that's what I call entertainment!! But as an adult watching those cartoons and noticing a character named "Mammy Two Shoes"..What a minute??!! "Mammy 'fucking' Two Shoes"!!?? Yes, that was her name, the middle aged black woman who's face was never shown and who used to scream out "Thom-ahs!!!!" at the top of her lungs whenever mayhem ensued between the most famous cat and mouse rivalry ever.(I suddenly remembered that they had her wearing a raggedy ass dress, fucked up slippers, and patched up socks..) Like a woman you are in love with fucking your arch rival, Common dropping "Electric Circus", or a chick that inappropriately sticks her finger in your ass during sex because she thinks you'll "like it", I can never look at "Tom & Jerry" the same way ever again.

Mush Mouth: There are so many reasons I respect Bill Cosby that I'm afraid I'd cut into my sacred masturbating time listing them all, but the main reason I have a lot of love for the man is because my dream of eating Jello-O pudding off of Lisa Bonet's tight butt-cheeks wouldn't have been possible without Dr. Cosby's vision. Even though I totally co-sign the concept of holding a mirror up to our race, I just get kind of weirded out at Cosby's crotchety old man approach, coming off as sort of a house Negro black republican-type who hasn't taken a healthy shit in over a decade. Also, whenever he would go on these marathon length missives about the improper English used by many black people today, I'd always giggle and say to myself "Mush-mouth, what about mush-mouth motherfucker!!!" Listen, I love "Fat Albert" as much as the next guy(Obviously a cartoon about a fat, closeted homosexual teen and his daily struggle to keep his cravings of cock secret from his friends. Come on, he never was with a girl and he had world class advice, sounds like a gay guy to me!!), but the character of Mush-Mouth is kind of ironic based on the later-day rants we would be subjected to via Mr. Cosby. Besides the broken English of "Oh-bee-kay-bee ba-fat-ba-al-ba-bert" proportions, the mere fact that Mushmouth would walk around with his bottom lip poked out reminded me of those "Little Rascals" shorts that I talked about earlier. I shouldn't be telling you this, but over the last couple of years I have attended a handful of Dr. Cosby's speeches and when he went onto some tired ass generalization about the modern day colloquial habits of black youth, I'd heckle him and say "What about Mush-mouth motherfucker!!??" Sure it's disrespectful, but its affective.

JunkYard Dog: The reason I could never be president, besides me purchasing solicited booty, me taking a rather busy shit on Pat Robertson's front lawn once, and on more than one occasion taking marijuana shotgun hits out of a woman's vagina, is the fact that somewhere there are pictures floating around of me dressed as "Junk Yard Dog" as a kid. As many people can tell today by the way I clothesline black republicans, put innocent women who frown upon fellatio in figure-four leg locks, and put sleeper holds on Jim Jones fans until they tap out like pussy's, I was once a huge fan of wrestling and my favorite wrestler was a dude named "JunkYard Dog". His character was great, he would bark like a dog, come to the ring in a dog collar , and.. OK wait, reflecting now on it the whole shtick was kind of offensive, barking, dog collars, being chained the fuck up like a disobedient slave, not really a glowing moment in the history of black Americans. You have to give it to Vince McMahon, the man has been exploiting people for as long as I can remember, bravo shit-stain. Funny thing about the man who played "Junkyard Dog", Sylvester Ritter, he was an ex Green Bay Packer with a political science degree.