Besides the fact that I'm emotionally unavailable and as romantic as a prison rape, every girlfriend that I ever had specifically hated that I went through life like there was some sort of contract on my life or something. Although it is true that I've been in enough scuffles in my lifetime that I'm sure some scorned son of a bitch somewhere probably wanted nothing more than to have my mother wearing all black, while I lay in a coffin with heavily caked on make-up that made me look like LaToya Jackson with a cock, but to tell the truth I would have been unnecessarily cautious even if I didn't have a penchant for snatching chains post beat-down and literally urinating on defeated foes. For example, if I was going out to eat with one of the many women who has experienced my miniature unimpressive phallus, while we were still in the parking I would scan the landscape very carefully for suspicious individuals and would-be dispatchers. When entering said establishment I would look for all the exit points, while we were being seated I made it a point to be facing the door-way, even before my ass touched the cushion of the chair I made sure that the table could easily flip over in case of on-coming gun-fire.(I know what you're asking, "With your date's back to the door wouldn't she get shot first??" Answer: She'd be more of a human shield. Yes, chivalry has been dead around this motherfucker for a long time!)
Sometimes I feel like Jason Bourne("The Bourne Identity") with a massive thyroid problem, I can truly relate to the scene in the diner where he explains to the girl how he sizes up each situation, and can tell who can handle themselves in a fight and who can't just by looking at them. But also, based on my many experiences with hand to hand combat under the weirdest of circumstances, I can tell you what household items are the best for beating some overconfident douche-bag within an inch of bricking in his trousers.
Ideal For: Defending yourself against knife wielders, dismantling more than one opponent if you have the skills, cranium blows that will leave your opponent talking like retarded stroke victims. Oh yeah, cheese eggs.
Shouldn't be used for the following: Horrible in grappling situations, its difficult to throw with any sort of accuracy, and unless your skillet is bulletproof and you can move it faster than wonder woman does her bracelets, it's pretty pointless.(Speaking of Wonder Woman's extremely fast wrist and hand action, just imagine all the dicks she's ripped off giving hand-jobs.)
Personal story behind item: One day, for a reason that's unknown to me still, I faced a knife wielding lover that wanted nothing more than to put my liver on the business end of a steak knife. OK, I know why she was upset, it might have had something to do with the fact that I was secretly screwing her best friend that she'd known since she was in diapers, but is that worth violence I ask you? I think not, and because I only wanted to be known as a "woman beater" in the sexual euphemism sense, I slowly backed out of her kitchen as I tried to comfort her by saying how her vagina was of a better quality than her friend's. She didn't pursue me so I thought I had avoided any sort of danger, that was until her younger brother grabbed the knife out of her hand and attacked me with all the cage rage of a 115 pound 18 year old. I grabbed a frying pan, smacked the hand he had the knife with so hard that I broke his wrist, and as he sobbed like I did when I couldn't achieve an erection when faced with porn star genitalia, I gave that son of a bitch a backhand that Andre Agassi would probably be found masturbating to in the comfort of his own home. I guess that was the wrong time to attempt to repair my relationship, huh?
Bad experience with item: During High School, when of my friend Calvin unfortunately relayed a pretty funny story to my mother in which I attempted to go after a gun waiving nutcase with a frying pan at a party months before. My mother, not caring if she embarrassed me in front of my friend or not, said "You know what, if your dumb ass was killed I would have made sure that you were buried with that fucking frying pan in your hand. It would serve as a cautionary tale to dumb motherfuckers everywhere!" Then she slapped me, my mother, the nurturer.
The wooden paper towel bar:
Ideal For: Hand to hand combat, choking someone out, knee-cap strikes, a dildo for a female Sasquatch.
Shouldn't be used for the following: Unlike the pan, an item that you can swing and still be in a great position to beat up others, this item is a lot smaller and you might find yourself getting said item rammed up your ass, no Vaseline, not even a complimentary reach-around.
Personal story behind item: I knew this dude in college named Reggie that everyone that I've ever known was scared of, based on his reputation of sending people to the hospital via gun shot or old fashion beat-downs. Because he was feared the same way Jim Jones fears a dictionary, people allowed him to get away with absolute murder. Imagine a Virginia version of Suge Knight, men could be found giving him money whenever he asked, not responding when he verbally ridiculed them, they wouldn't even give him a menacing look if Reggie happened to open hand slap them in the face surrounded by several vagina owners. Well one night at my friends party, Reggie decided to smack me in the mouth in front of my girl for Christs sake, and when I inched toward him he flashed his gun and said "Don't make the wrong choice son!" While he walked in the backyard where everyone was at, chuckling to himself, my girl at the time looked at me and said, "Come on, lets go, forget about him!" But the idea of getting smacked in front of my girl was something that I couldn't deal with, I mean, how could she achieve orgasm from that point forward after seeing me get punked like that?(Actually, she hadn't reach climax by that point, or the subsequent months after.)
Anyway, I grabbed that wooden beam that holds the paper towels roll in place, walked up to Reggie and sincerely tried to perform a home-made lobotomy on that miserable piece of shit. The funny thing is, since that party was littered with people he had at one time victimized, I was part of a ten guy team that spent the better part of an hour treating that bully like a negro pinata.
Telephone receiver and cord:
Ideal For: Close quarters combat, choking someone out, drunk dialing ex girlfriends with new boyfriends and leaving cryptic "I just found out I have herpes, you might need to get yourself checked out" messages on their voice-mail.
Shouldn't be used for the following: Smacking people with, what are you a dominatrix you sick fuck. It's also pointless to use against bats and weapons of that nature, unless you have the skills of that magnitude?? Didn't think so. I wouldn't recommend using it as a jump-rope either, unless you confused your opponents "lets go outside and handle this" as a request to join him in a gay double dutch challenge.
Personal story behind item: Besides someone pulling my hair like a bitch during a fight, nothing concerns me more than going against someone who is well versed in the fine art of grappling. I feel that I'm strong enough to get out of a few wrestling holds, but if I faced someone with bona fide wrestling skills I'm in danger, as if I was driving alongside Brandy. That's why when I found myself getting manhandled by this gentlemen who didn't appreciate the fact that I called his sister a walking sperm bank, I knew I had to act fast. As soon as he slammed me against the wall and all the air rushed out of my body I grabbed the phone receiver, yanked the chord out of the wall, and wrapped it around as many parts of his body as I could, including his neck, and tried to choke the shit out of this wrestling phenom. People were screaming, "Stop it, you're killing him!!", in which prompted me to respond, "That's the fucking point, isn't it??" I'm no murderer, but the cool thing about that particular household device that can be used for a weapon, is that when the persons air is restricted you can further humiliate them by hitting them with the receiver and saying shit like "Is any one there?"(whap), "I left a message for you!"(whap), or "Hello? Hey, it's for you!"(whap)
My favorite things to hit people with..(Part 1)