Besides the first time that I had sex, an endeavor embarrassing and satisfying at the same time since I climaxed after 3 thrusts and wept like a baby in the girls' arms afterwords, I have had great success the first time I've tried things. Even though I turned out to be a pretty marginal baseball player when it was all said and done, my first little league at bat resulted in me smashing the ball over the fence, with arrogant me walking the bases with an irritated smirk on my face like hitting home-runs had become old hat to me. The first fight that I was in, against a bully named Terrence who made my life a living hell for a 5 month period, on the urging of my father I calmly walked over to the young man and smashed him in the head with a brick, causing him to go down faster than LisaRaye on a casting couch as I repeatedly kicked him in the face for two straight minutes.(By the way, the image of my father pulling me off of the kid and telling him, "Go get your old man, he'll get the same thing you little shit!!" is one of my fondest father and son moments) First Track meet, first place, first Football play, I sacked the quarterback, when all of my friends were scared shitless(pun intended) because they didn't want to get caught defecating on a televangelist's front yard, your boy HumanityCritic had no problem dropping his pants and taking a rather busy shit on Pat Robertson's property.(There is something rather rebellious about screaming, "That last turd had corn in it, you fucking hate monger", while escaping the premises.) As soon as Virginia had a state lottery and I ponied up a buck to play, I won that as well. Granted, if I had actually won the grand prize the only writing I would be doing right about now would be my name on some hooker's backside, preferably in Semen, in reality I only got enough of the numbers right to receive a few hundred dollars.
Since then I haven't been close, which is to be expected, but to completely honest I'm not even sure that I'd even want to win the lottery. It's true, I don't want to be one of those people you find yourself stuck behind because that son of a bitch can't want until he gets home to see if he won two dollars or not. I also don't want to be one of those miserable sons of bitches that you see spending 200 dollars at a time on lottery tickets, the continuous sound of the tickets being processed lets out monotonous rhythmic shrieks as if R2-D2 was cumming or some shit. The real reason I don't want to have my name in the paper, fielding loan requests from motherfuckers I never knew I was related to, is because I know that a mass amount of liquid assets would drown a self destructive prick like myself.
For a pretty imaginative guy like myself, I wish I could play along whenever someone that I know throws one of those "What would you do if you won the lottery?" scenarios out there, but I can't respond without depressing the fuck out of anyone within an earshot of my madness. People usually give the stock answers, you know, "I'd buy my mother a house", "I'd travel", "I'd buy a car", "I'd search the globe for a cure for this venereal disease that I have, one that doctors are mystified by and want to name after me", all pretty reasonable if you ask me. Listen, I'd do all of those things as well(I'd find the cure first, whats the use of being a millionaire if no hot chick will fuck you because you have a glow-in-the-dark cock), the problem would arise afterwords when I'm in "self destruct" mode. Here's two reasons why I don't want to win the lottery.
There would be rioting in the streets: The reason why I feel that having millions of dollars at my disposal would be a bigger mistake than a sequel to "Belly", comes from something that happened to me a few years ago when I won a large amount of money at a poker party. See I pride myself as a decent gambler, nothing to write a script about and cast Ed Norton and Matt Damon in the film version or anything, but I do OK. Well this one night I was doing extremely well, I could tell when people were bluffing, I'd bully other gamblers by going all in when I had a crap hand, I'd lure them in and act like I was bluffing when I had a killer hand, at the end of the night I literally turned a couple of hundred bucks into a few thousand. Most people would have just taken their happy ass home and called it a night, not me, I stayed around and partied with everyone else, with that money feeling like it was literally burning a hole in my Bugle Boy's.(It was either a desire to blow money, or the Chlamydia, who knows?) I now know why at weddings, funerals, wake's, and birthday party's you can always hear someone openly ask "Who in the fuck invited HumanityCritic??", based on what I was about to do.
For some reason, even though people were having a peaceful time ruining their livers and trying to negotiate some late night penetration, I approached this young Latina woman and said, "Hey, I'll give you 100 dollars if you walk up to that girl right there(pointing), and try to knock her clean the fuck out!!" At first she laughed as if I was joking, when she realized that I wasn't joking by the thousand yard stare that I gave her she gave me a rather bewildered look which prompted me to say "OK, how about 300 hundred??!!". She grabbed the money, looked over at her prey like she was Bruce Lee about to dispatch a couple hundred sub-par karate students, and the next thing I know this young latina chick is beating the brakes, no, the transmission and the muffler off of this unsuspecting woman. Looking back I feel bad about imitating G-Money in "New Jack City", moving both hands across my face and saying "In Broad fucking Day-light!!", also the fact that I told the woman mid ass-whippin' "Nothing but Jell-O and Applesauce for your ass the next couple of weeks!!", but I digress.
When that fight got broken up and about a half hour passed, I approached this dude who I played cards with earlier who had told me that he had just gotten out of prison. I walked up to him and said, "It has to be a bitch, you know, trying to make a living when you get out of prison, huh?" As soon as he agreed with me I hit him with an offer he couldn't refuse, "How would you like to make 200 dollars by punching that guy right there(pointing) dead in the motherfucking mouth!!!" I have to give it to him, in an age of "just add water" thugs and other vagina's posing as tough guys, this dude was thorough because he didn't even try to negotiate a better deal for himself. He just walked over to the man in question and just started whipping his natural black ass. I guess because of the hostility from the women who fought earlier, their friends, and the friends of the two men that were currently fighting, an all out brawl ensued as I smoked a joint and enjoyed the physical cluster-fuck that I had caused. You know how most of the evil villains in comic books are extremely rich men who for some reason want to obtain a nuclear missile and drop it on some peaceful town because they have nothing better to do, well, that would probably be me.
I'd only fuck porn stars: Okay, maybe I'm being a little Naive here but I never knew that women in the adult film industry, a visual medium where you can witness everything from midgets fucking in vats of chocolate and hermaphrodites appearing in films entitled "Fuck it or suck it", ever fucked civilians. I know this is going to sound weird, especially considering that most of these women have had fruits and vegetables shoved in every orifice of their bodies and covered in a football field's worth of ejaculate, but I always thought that that nastiness was reserved for their adult film brethren. As much as I have dreamed about pounding away at one of my favorite porn stars, giggling to myself after I tell her to call my cock "Christopher Columbus" primarily because I'm not discovering shit and like a million guys have been here before me, I always thought that said fantasy was a virtual impossibility.(Like trusting anybody's opinion who likes Chamillionaire)
But lo and behold, like clouds parting after a storm, finding a beautiful woman that knows how to cook, or me being able to hold my climax for any respectable amount of time after a chick sucks her own titty mid coitus, I found out that an average Joe like me can get down with some of my favorite porn stars.(for a fee of course) If I had a significant amount of money I'm sure that I'd only have sex with adult smut actresses, who needs a real girlfriend when I can pay somebody for post coital snuggling and those long romantic walks in the park, the only difference is that I'd be paying and I'm sure that the sex would feel as if I was fucking a well lubricated catchers mit. Yes I'm a germaphobe, but think about it, having sex with women in the porn industry is as safe as safe can be because those broads are tested on a regular basis, who knows what kind of crudded up vagina you're getting yourself into when you have sex with square broads.
Look at all the advantages, non-stop sex with the safest whores this side of female blow-up stunt dummy's, my addiction for strip clubs would be cured, and I could finally throw out that extensive library of porn that I dedicated a wing of my house to. Also, if I ever get all nastalgic and teary-eyed for my past relationships with regular girls, I'm sure for a fee the porn stars in question would blow up my phone, drive by my house at all hours of the night, after sex bitch and moan how she wants to be "more than a piece of ass", and leave messages on my machine telling me what kind of "dickless bastard" I am. Yeah, keep me the fuck away from the lottery.