Friday, January 19, 2007

A Message to a friend of mine: "Sorry, guys can't be bi-sexual.."

I don't know if I will offend members of the gay community by this post or not, but I would be doing a great disservice to the few of you kind people who actually read this daily drivel if I wasn't completely forthright with my feelings. Let me clearly state that I wasn't always as progressive a thinker as I am now, once upon a time I was a classic homophobe who knew as many gay jokes as I knew Rakim lyrics. I'd love to say that my accepting people of all sexual orientations came from me getting older, gaining wisdom, gaining something of value that I could proudly credit my shifting of positions on. But to be completely honest, I feel that my progressive "we are all brothers under god" stance only happened when I became secure in my own sexuality and realized that vagina was the only after-hours spot that I wanted to hang my head at. That's what most homophobia is isn't it, a bunch of dudes calling everything gay and acting repulsed over gay men not because its a "sin" or any other garden variety excuse they may give you, but because in the back of their mind they secretly crave cock and want nothing more than to give a guy a complimentary "reach around". I'm not saying that I'm trying to be some sort of spokesperson for straight people who are down with gay people, or co-star on an episode of "Queer as Folk" or some shit, but I thought that I had beliefs that wouldn't offend the gay community in any way imaginable. Until a few days ago that is.

See, I have a friend named Yolanda, not a "I've known her for 20 years and she's like a sister" friend but a "I've been trying for 4 years to penetrate any orifice she would let me, but she's well aware that I'm a scumbag and isn't having it" kind of friend. Anyway, the other day we were chatting on the phone, I'm not sure what we were even talking about but she said, "You know, for the longest time I thought guys couldn't be bi-sexual. But I met a dude the other day and he convinced me to the contrary." I was appalled, and as soon as she finished her sentence I blurted out "Fuck that, if he goes within a square block of another penis he's gay, fuck that!!" The following three examples, probably very bad ones, are what I conveyed to her during our 20 minute conversation as to why men can't be bisexual.

Pitching, catching, it's still baseball motherfucker: During our conversation, my home-girl tried to defend her friend by saying that he "pitches" and doesn't "catch" which doesn't make him gay. I know this argument well because a friend of mine who returned from prison used it after we found out his nickname behind bars was "Louima" for his habit of "plunging" himself in the rectums of other inmates. "Pitching" refers to a guy on the giving end of anal intercourse while someone who "catches" is on the business end of said sexual act. I'm sorry but it's all baseball to me, which means that both parties are gayer than a tree full of parakeets.

The Nightclub test: Lets say a I meet a beautiful woman in a bar, and somewhere between glasses of Gran marnier and me telling her that I have post coital snuggling issues, she tells me that she either has had sex with women before or currently shows off her skill for the cunnilingual arts. Most guys, based on the perverse nature of yours truly, wouldn't see that as a problem to be completely honest. I'm not trying to marry the broad, and who knows, I could find myself being a naked interloper in a very steamy lesbian sandwich. On the other hand, if a woman meets a man in a bar and somewhere between Jack & cokes and him telling her that he's rich enough to benefit from a George Bush tax cuts, that he sometimes finds comfort in the arms of another man. Not for nothing, and I could be wrong here, but I'm sure the woman wouldn't have the same child-like exuberance that I would if I met a part-time lesbian.


The Tiger Woods Theory:
Maybe black folks are the only ones that feel this way, or maybe its just me, but when some black looking person goes out of their way to break down every single nationality that's flowing through their blood stream, and specifically stating percentages and whatnot, I always scream out "You're black motherfucker, let that shit go!!" I mean, let my grandmother tell it I have Irish, Choctaw Indian, and a slew of other shit that would make my mere existence seem like one of those Benetton commercials where kids from all over the globe are holding hands and shit. At the end of the day I can see why Tiger Woods would break down his Tai heritage because of his mother, but when he starts rattling off other nationalities its painfully embarrassing. I guess I view gay dudes the same way, I don't care how many chicks you fuck, if another man comes within an arms length of yours and you aren't in a prison shower or getting checked for a hernia, you're gay man.

11 comments:

Lola Gets said...

"You can hang your head at my vagina any time" *Ala Mae West*
Ok, so if a man plays any "position" in "baseball" hes gay, but what about women? You say you dont have a problem with girl on girl action, but can a woman be bi or is she also gay?
L

Bk_red said...

truthfully, most gay men i've met agree with your assertion. as a very straight woman, not only do i agree with you, but i also feel that there is no such thing as a truly bisexual woman. i think that many woman have had homosexual experiences because it is socially acceptable and even encouraged for women (especially young, attractive ones) to "explore" their sexuality.

it's a man's world, so of course some women are going to do what a majority of men want them to do (i.e. drunkenly make out with a chick at a club or party). then there are people who are just not all that picky about who they choose to sleep with. more power to them, but i'll stick to dick. i'm sure some will disagree with me on this. that's fine... i for one, don't feel that it makes me any less interesting or sexy that i've never had the desire to make out with a woman. if it ain't broke....

Jaesoreal said...

I've been screaming this for years! Men can't be bi-sexual and they can't claim they were experimenting!

Peach said...

that is so true LMAO

Anonymous said...

Men can be bi-sexual. I'm a black gay man, and I use to think that way until I started meeting a lot of 'hood'/'street'/'thug' type men on the hustle tip. Most of these men are on the "DL" in terms of their girlfriends', babies' mama or families' because of the stigma attached to male homosexuality.

Most will describe themselves as bi-sexual, not because they're trying to run away from or cover up their homosexuality, but because they're truely attracted to both sexes to various degrees on the Kinsey Scale.

In my experience, most of the brothas that are truely 'gay' or homosexual and in that 'bi-sexual', bi-curious or confused phase will sort themselves out from true bi-sexual men in short order.

Anonymous said...

2 comments:
1. I am tired of people claiming that those who abhore homosexuality are somehow 'not secure' in their own sexuality. That is like saying that someone who is against child molestation may harbor desires for little girls (or boys) in the back of their minds. It is absolutely illogical to profer such an arguement. I do not and will not accept homosexuals -- and it is not because i 'am afraid' that i may have 'secret' desires for another man; it is because homosexuality, is an illogical perversion.
2. By the definition of the term bi-sexual, men and women can be bi-sexual. I have had two women at once (i.e both naked, in the same room, having sex with me) -- yet the two women (on one occasion it was 3 women) were not lesbian (i.e. were not 'doing' each other). A bi-sexual man or woman has sex with both sexes...in my opinion, this bi-sexuality is what is causing this aids epidemic amongst black women. Personally, even though i do not like gay people and do not accept them; i would have more respect for a gay man who was not on the dl, this person does not pose a danger to others.
On another point... where do these 'metro-sexuals' fall? are they gay, bi-sexual, confused, what?

The Humanity Critic said...

"I am tired of people claiming that those who abhore homosexuality are somehow 'not secure' in their own sexuality. That is like saying that someone who is against child molestation may harbor desires for little girls (or boys) in the back of their minds."

First, lets get past the fact that you clumsily tried to connect what two consenting adults(of the same gender that is) do in the comfort of their own home, to adults sexually taking advantage of children by means of rape. That sillyness aside, there is nothing wrong with being against homosexuality, that's your thing. But I always have felt that people who go out of their way to spew slurs and whatnot, secretly crave a ruler sized penis knocking against their prostate.

"2. By the definition of the term bi-sexual, men and women can be bi-sexual."

I'd really like to know what dictionary you're using. For future reference, I wouldn't trust anything written in crayon from now on. That being said, you totally missed the whole point of that rant, I see that being potty trained at gunpoint has completely ruined your sense of humor.. Just kidding..

"in my opinion, this bi-sexuality is what is causing this aids epidemic amongst black women."

Factually you are incorrect, statistically it says that black women who are infected by "down low" brothers is about 5%. Now, a real issuse is what percentage is infected by I.V drug users..

Anonymous said...

Sexuality is very complicated and illogical. There's no black and white. I consider myself homosexual, yet one Christmas I found myself sexually aroused by a drunk female friend that was nibbling on my ear.

Kinsey and other researches (i.e. Freud) have shown that sexuality can be fluid across one's life. That a large share of American males have had some type of homosex particularly during their youth (not to mention those in prisons or jails)does not make one "gay".

On this point about not accepting homosexuals or homosexuality, my feeling is, you don't have to accept homosexuality as your personal lifestyle, but you will respect me and afford me my human rights. If I'm not worried about your 3 & 4'somes, you don't worry about what I'm doing in bed with another consenting adult. But it seems to me if you accept group sex as a valid sexual choice, then you're on that slippery slop to accepting polygamy, homosexual marriage, man-animal marriage... the list goes on.

On a serious note, the one way to address the high HIV rate in the black community is to stop the hatred of homosexual and bisexual men, accepted people as they are...so they can be who they are without hiding. Poverty, lack of education, drug use, low self-esteem, condom fatigue, prostitution, incarceration, promiscuity, low marriage rates are all a part of the high HIV rate problems as well.

As far as metrosexuals are concerned, my understanding is that they are heterosexual males that have a gay sensibility in terms of style and other interests (i.e. likes shopping, not into sports, got an eye for decorating and dressing, keeps in shape, not afraid to use lotion, or get pedicures or manicures, etc....). Of course this stereotypes gay and straigth men.

*junglefevAh* said...

i believe that they can be.

some people are highly sexual, to the point where they enjoy the act of sex in general, regardless if it's with a man or with a woman.

i don't find it hard to believe that just as there is a percentage of people who enjoys sex with members of the opposite sex and a percentage of people who enjoys it with members of the same sex, there can also be a percentage of people who trully enjoy it with both sexes.

some bisexual people may prefer one sex over the other, but why couldn't others like both equally?

the world is not black and white, there are PLENTY of grey areas.

I am not Star Jones said...

you are so right.

guys can't be bi-sexual
but girls can so they can have sex with a boy and a girl (sometimes even 2, 3 or 4 girls!).

Preferably at the same time.

Anonymous said...

As a gay man, I am appalled at the fact that I agree with everything you wrote! LOL