Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Remembering Hip Hop through old VHS tapes...

In this day and age it is pretty unpopular for a man to express love or admiration for another man, simply because in some circles it is either seen as a gay gesture, or "dick-riding" if you will. Granted, the people who usually feel this way are closeted homosexuals themselves who would love nothing more than to be the human version of a pincushion for circumcised cocks, simply calling other people "gay" because they lack the vocabulary to express themselves coherently and they also want to throw you off the scent of their Vaseline trail. That being said, I have nothing but love for my boy Buddy, and even though he was murdered a little over two years ago his death is still extremely tough to deal with. Sure, the capture of his killer is a positive, and the thought of that son of a bitch spending most of his life in a maximum security prison where fellow inmates routinely treat his rectum like a slinky is comforting, but in the back of my mind I still wonder if I should have made my words a prophecy when I told a friend of mine, "If they capture that motherfucker, he won't leave the courtroom breathing!!"

It's cliche as hell, and when a preacher gave me this same advice after my father died I think my response to him was "Suck my nuts you child ass-raper!!", but thinking about the good times you had with a recently deceased loved one does ease the pain a bit. Like that time I wanted to beat up some dancer dude named "Jedi" because he inappropriately serenaded my then girlfriend for her birthday in the middle of a club, Buddy was the one that went beyond the call of duty and retrieved the youmg man's home address for me and the hours in which he worked. We laughed like school children as we planned the home invasion of that Denny Terrio wanna-be, with diagrams and shit, giggling as we talked about all the Star Wars references we would spout out while we beat the brakes off of that motherfucker.(*Pow* "The force isn't strong with this one!!" "Come on, a true Jedi wouldn't be crying like a bitch!!" *punch* "Yoda never prepared you for an ass-whipping like this!!") Buddy was also there for me when I wanted to see if a woman that I was dating was fucking around on me or not, he quickly brought me back to reality with his subtle humor by grabbing me by the shoulders and saying, "Man, Look at yourself, you have a fucking stepladder in your backseat!" That's what I call a friend, a dude who not only enabled my violent tendencies but also stopped me from being a psychopathic stalker.

Lately I've been doing the same thing with Hip Hop, watching old VHS tapes filled with old school video's to remind me of better days when wack journalists and subpar rappers didn't take a collective piss on the culture I love. Watching these tapes brings many memories, when skills reigned supreme, when tough guy rappers had dancers, and smoking gun evidence that I've always been a pervert.(See, mixed in with all of those Hip Hop gems, are Cinemax sex scenes that I recorded so I'd have something to yank to..) Anyway, here are a few observations that came to mind from watching a shitload of videotapes.

Why did it always seem that the Chinese guy in "2 Live Crew" always had a broken arm??

Trying to pull off a purple paisley shirt is bad enough, but the fact that Big Daddy Kane had an arm-cast to boot in Heavy D's "Don't Curse" video is hysterical.

Speaking of Kane, I don't know what's more amazing about his "Cause I can do it Right" video. That Heather Hunter is in it, that Kane is wearing a purple suit that makes you think that he skinned Grimace and shit, or the fact that Jim Brown says "Get your chair??" like the young lady had just asked for a vital organ.

I respect Kool Moe Dee, but weren't his video's longer than Ciara's forehead?

Remember that white chick that came out under the tutelage of Eazy-E, Tairrie B? Based on her being all gothed out presently, I wonder how she feels about her rhyming days?

I know Mariah shouldn't be trusted when it comes to her speaking about anything outside of her vocal octave range and smearing her own feces against the wall mid nervous breakdown, but her claiming that her and ODB were the first R&B and Hip Hop collaboration is just plain silly. In the words of P-Diddy, or me when I'm ejaculating, "Take That!", "Take That!", "Take That!"

My brother never understood why for the life of him I've been calling him Large Professor all these years. Well, since he now reads the blog, you can't front on the resemblance kid..

The Lost Boys video for "The Yearn" is a glaring example why Pete Rock should never grow a mustache, ever!!

Is it me or does Redman's verse in "Headbanger" make everyone else seem irrelevant. Speaking of Redman, you don't know how many times I have walked down the street and pushed complete strangers based on this video.

At one time wanting to fuck Salt was the obvious choice, then wanting to know Spinderella biblicly made it look like you thought outside of the box. But based on how Pepa spreads her legs while she is in that bathtub in the "Whattaman" video and her talent for deepthroating, I'd like to have a crack at Pepa's crack.

I know they were the same person, but why was I so in love with Isis and not all that thrilled about lin-que?

I'm a fan of both Kool G Rap and of Nas, but why was that "Fast Life" video the worst piece of crap imaginable??

Because of "Electric Relaxation", when I go to coffee shops I keep expecting to see lovely ladies smiling in my direction, bobbing their heads with glee to my verbal stylings. All I get now are coffee shop chicks who'd fuck me if I looked like Maxwell, white chicks with dreadlocks who want to lecture me on the history of natural hair, and if I want to see a chick bob her head nowadays I have to pay for it.

Remember when Pharcyde's weed-man, Quinton, had a record out?? The track was called "Quinton's here", and the only thing stupider than making drug deals on you're land-line is having a video telling the world you slang dope.

Maybe I'm easily impressed, but I always liked the fact that Boss openly admitted her middle class upbringing and catholic school background on her first LP.

Watching Biz Markie's "Vapors" video not only bugs me out because of the Food stamp that he has stapled to his cap, but I distinctly remember my mother's reaction when she heard Biz say "N*gga please, you work for UPS". I think her response was, "He's crazy, that's good work if you can get it!"

Speaking of Biz, couldn't they have made his love interest in that "Just a friend" video less homely looking??

Because of how dope "WC and the Mad Circle" were, that's the only thing that's stopping me from taking a watery shit on the careers of both Coolio and WC.

I was never the biggest fan of Cypress Hill, but I love this joint.

Someone asked me, "What's the first CD you ever purchased??" Answer: King Tee's "Act a fool".

It was interesting to see a dude admit that the reputation of his city was negatively affecting the rest of the United States. "Jus Lyke Compton" is my favorite DJ Quik joint. Matter of fact, whenever a fight would break out I'd shake my head and say, "Just like Compton"..

Maybe this might get child-like chuckles from some of my readers, but I dug some of Da Youngsta's stuff.

Doesn't it seem like the set of Run D.M.C's video "Down with the Kings" was complete and utter mayhem, in the best way of course.

You have to love how KRS goes acapella at the beginning of the "My Philosophy" video, with the record coming in sporadically like a virtual hype-man. Classic.

I know I wasn't the only one who noticed Lauryn in MC Lyte's "Poor Georgie" video.

This might enrage the feminists out there, but when Ice Cube wakes up one of his conquests by mushing her head in the pillow in that "It was a Good day" video, I laugh every time.

There are things that go unexplained like crop-circles and Stonehenge, but I want to know how long it too that old white man to learn Boots' part in that The Coup's video "Fat cats and Bigga fish"?


Brother OMi said...

memories don't live like people do
i have to make an entry like this...

Amadeo said...

You making me feel good just cause I'm not the only one that still has a VCR. Damn I can't even tape video shows like I used to be able to.

Lola Gets said...

Ok, Imma lose my job if I keep bursting into laughter and crying whilst reading your blog! "The Phuncky Feel One" was just a good damned song all the way around!

I still have my VHS tapes. When I was a teen, my nickname was "Rapunzel" cuz I wasnt allowed outside. So I have several VHS takes of videos I recorded on my many Friday nites at home. I got crap like Prince's "America," the extended version; and "19" (I forget the artist, but its a damned good song too).

Victoria Page said...

Dayum...I thought I was the only one that still watched my tapes from back in the day.

I dug some of Da Youngstas stuff too.....they had an alright song out.

Big Ty said...

Your observations took me back... way back... excellent!