Looking back on my 32 years on this earth, it has become quite apparent that I'm not exactly what you'd call a "go to" guy when it comes to answering questions. Whether it was me saying "I was helping my little cousin with her science project!" when being asked by an upset lover why there was so much stripper glitter on me, or me saying "I'm not answering any of your fucking questions without my lawyer, Serpico!" when the officer simply asked me if I knew how fast I was going, it can be difficult getting a straight answer from me. But, because you people are kind enough to come to this miserable blog despite my predisposition for pre-ejaculation, I have no problem baring my soul in the most honest way possible. Here are some of the most recent questions I have been asked.
HumanityCritic, tell me of a recent embarrassing moment?
OK. There is this older lady who frequents my local watering hole who has a crush on me. I was flattered, and she looks good for her age, but she was old enough for me to mistake our possible "love making" for her "tucking me in". So, I told her I had a girlfriend and thought that was the end of it. That was until she ripped me a new one, telling me how I am an asshole and how I should give her a chance. Well, because I had a few too many I said, "Listen, I have one rule. If you were fucking when I was born, your ass is too old!!" I regret that I said that, but who wants the smell of Ben-Gay in their clothes for weeks anyways??
HC, what lesson have you learned since you started blogging?
I learned that some people are always going to hate what you do, and usually those people have the worst fucking blogs imaginable. Trust me on that.
What do you hate the most about blogging?
That people can get away with saying bullshit to you without getting their jaw broken. I know this is the Internet and all, but because of my "hands on" nature it is hard for me to grasp the concept of "ignoring them". Learn from me and be the bigger person, because at least you won't have to regret saying "Let's see if you talk that shit when I beat your ass at a blog meet-up!" I'm officially a geek.
You talk about your crush on Janeane Garofalo, do you think you and her would really work out?
Of course not. I mean, she seems like she would find my potty humor "beneath her", plus I don't think my power drinking would go over too well since she's a recovering alcoholic.
HumanityCritic, a co-worker of mine always disrespects me at my job, and when we are at work functions she is always hitting on my husband. What should I do?
When you aren't at work, and at one of your "work functions", slap the almighty shit out of her. One of those "I'm using the entire force of my body to slap the shit out of you" slap. Listen, since unruly people are like children as long as they are not kept in check, sometimes violence is the only thing people understand. I know its not the most responsible advice, but then again look who you're asking.
OK, hit this one out of the park. How do you feel about Condi Rice?
A modern day Aunt Tomasina to be totally honest. For some reason certain black folks have given her a pass on her incompetence because she is a black women in a high ranking position. Somehow people forget how she was shopping for shoes and watching fucking "Spamalot" during the Katrina crisis, and then they say, "Hey, we have a high ranking black woman doing her thing!!" OK, apply that logic when you need to have heart surgery and the doctor performing said surgery has a string of dead bodies left behind due to his incompetence. But hey, he's a black heart surgeon, right? Get the fuck out of here. More on Condi.
Just providing names, name two overrated individuals.
Tupac Shakur and Rudy Giuliani
What is some of your guilty on-line pleasures?
Besides deviant forms of pornography?? That would be blogs by black republicans, seeing them perform a "soft shoe blackface dance" in the midst of the worst president ever is entertaining as fuck.
What is your biggest fear?
That's easy, being raped in prison. Besides the horrific rape, I'm the type of asshole who would feel the need to blog about the experience, thus losing 75% of my readership.
Based on your acceptance of people off all kinds, you seem secure in your heterosexuality. Am I right about that?
I'm secure in my sexuality, but the fact that I love show tunes, Independent films, and the fact that I can do one killer Cher impression keeps me awake some nights.
Have you watched Lil Kim's show on B.E.T? If you have, what do you think while watching it?
I've only seen two episodes, but a couple thoughts come to mind. 1: Just go to jail already tramp! and 2: How Lil Kim's fan-base should be beaten with a pillowcase full of soda's.
How many women have you been with?
I'm not answering that, not because I'm an extremely private person, but I wouldn't want to dissuade that one woman out there who is on the fence about me, who is mulling the idea of giving me some "Internet patch" over in her head.
I love your blog but sometimes I worry about you. When is the last time you did something that might have cost you your life?
Last week to be totally honest. I was at a party that my friend was throwing at his house and because he has a younger brother, a lot of his friends were there as well. As they smoked their horticulture in the back yard, and I drank some miscellaneous beverage about 10 yards from them, I noticed that they were all packing heat, bragging about their firearms. I don't know what got into me, but I yelled out, "You punk motherfuckers aren't in Beirut, you are in Virginia Beach!!" One of them stepped up and threatened me with violence, so proceeded to tell him politely that if he reached for his gun that I would beat him with it. Well, nothing happened, but it was stupid on my part.