Wednesday, April 05, 2006

A Sad Fact: I've been planning my Wedding Day for 25 Years..

When I'm not downloading criminal amounts of Internet smut, verbally throwing unruly haters of my blog under the bus, or holding tribal rituals in my house in hopes of the Lakers making the playoffs this year, I am thinking about the day that I walk down the isle in wedding bliss. OK, let me be honest here, I have got to be the only straight male in the history of man that has thought about his wedding day his entire life. Hey, the "Diatribe" isn't all about throat-chops and Hip Hop, there are certain things about my personality to let you know that I'm indeed a sensitive guy.(Or a "pussy", let my mother tell it.) Even though I have yet to meet my future wife, so I don't know what she would think of my concept of what an "ideal wedding" is, this is my image of how my wedding will go before she begins to undermine my master plan. But if she fails to thwart my plan of a HumanityCritic-style wedding, it sure will be fun telling the people in attendance who frown upon my wedding decisions, "It's my day bitch!!"

Choosing a Church: I love my city of Virginia Beach, I really do, but in the same way you love a drug addict sibling who you still love despite them constantly stealing your household appliances for that crack rock.(Republican area, overzealous cops, women with high moral standards) That being said, when I have envisioned my wedding day over the past 20 plus years there is no other place I would have it but my home city. The problem is that I'm catholic, nothing wrong with that, but lets just say that I am unwelcome in the few houses of worship in my area where Catholicism is the main topic of discussion. From me telling one member of the clergy that "he isn't god's messenger" when he tried to endorse Bush to his black congregation, the time I inappropriately cracked some "child molestation" jokes by saying that "the words 'daycare center' and 'catholic priests' are a toxic mix!" around a few members of clergy, and the one time I beat a guys ass in the parking lot during a church service shows you that me finding a fitting church will be difficult. I know there are plenty of places I could hold my wedding, it doesn't have to be exclusively a Catholic church, but at this rate of pissing off churches it wouldn't be surprised if my wedding is held in a fucking Recreation center.

I don't know, I'm probably the only person who thinks that is actually a good idea, but there is something cool about a overweight coach coming on the basketball court, blowing his whistle then saying, "(Whistle)OK guys, practice is over. You know that they are throwing that HumanityCritic wedding at noon". But seriously, I'm sure I will find a beautiful church to have my wedding in, even if I have to slide some bastard priest a few greenbacks on the side to make that happen.

Choosing a DJ: If you have read this miserable blog for only a few fleeting seconds a few things become obvious, I have a temper, I'm a chubby black guy, and I am an insufferable prick when it comes to what music I like and what I consider to be horseshit. That being said, choosing the right DJ, to me, would be one of the most important things on my "to do" list outside of drunkenly having sex with my new bride post wedding. I would have a lengthy interview process, where I not only go through their various crates of vinyl, but I'd also ask them various questions about Hip Hop and who their favorite rappers are. OK, you think that MC Hammer's extreme lyricism was overlooked? Next! You think Tupac was the best rapper ever? Shit man, Next!! Rakim isn't even in your top 10 of all time MC's? Motherfucker Next!! Three-6 mafia is your favorite group? (grabbing them by their throat)Get your goddamn ass out of here before I Mame you!!

After I find the proper candidate, I'd have to warn him that if he plays anything by any rapper who shows their "grill" like its an accomplishment, the macarena, or any shit like that, I will break a chair across his face in the middle of his mix. I know I'm an asshole, but I would get on the mic even before he plays the first record and warn everyone, including my momma, that if they request any bullshit that they will be on the business end of a beating as well.(OK, my mama gets a pass, only because she has a severely accurate right hook)

Choosing the food: Even though my asshole tendencies make me want to have a menu of the unhealthiest, greasiest, meat laden variety just so I can see all my vegan friends look at me like lost puppies grasping their empty plates, just so I can say, "It's my day bitch!!!" But I won't do that, I will have a wide variety of spreads to accommodate everyone, even though it's "my day" its the least I could do for my family or friends. But since I'm still a scumbag, I would make sure the meat and other unhealthy spreads would be served in a very elaborate table setting with beautiful silverware and shit, while the grub for the vegan peeps would be served in a shabby, moldy tent. I know, it's petty, but at least they would know my stance on non-carnivores.

The Wedding: I know this is bad, but I don't see my wife and I coming out to the same boring, badly tuned rendition of "here comes the bride" , or any other traditional wedding nonsense. I see the house DJ, yes house DJ, playing LL Cool J's "I need love" or A Tribe Called Quest "Electric Relaxation" as we come out, hoping that my family and friends that I invited remembered to wear their Kangols and Shell-Toes in support of our happy union. I'm sure as me and my bride to be look into each others eyes, me noticing her beautiful wedding dress, and her "door knocker" earrings and MC Lyte hairstyle from 1988. Her looking into my eyes, sweet ass tux equipped with a black medallion around my neck, and parts in my eyebrows like Big Daddy Kane at the height of his career.

Even though I'm not sure if his ass is even a legitimate reverend, but Revrun would be the man marrying us that day. Despite my begging and pleading, even payment, I'm sure he wouldn't grant my request of loudly saying "This is my motherfucking house!!" like he did in "Krush Groove".(Him being a revered and all) After we freestyle our vows and make-out like dogs in heat in front of a few hundred people, with me inappropriately putting my hand up her wedding dress, the crowd would go bat-shit with excitement. As we leave the church I will be on guard for my friend Charlie, who wants revenge, because when he got married I thought it would be funny if I threw a big lump of cooked rice at him and his bride. Some people just can't take a fucking joke.

25 comments:

Brother OMi said...

actually there are a few lines in Electric Relaxation that you don't want to play for a wedding. the reception yeah.. the wedding no...

but i can't wait to be there homie.

SP said...

Charlie should have wooped your ass!

Elizabeth said...

Vilmer- or whatever- was on Howard Stern the other day and hewas a complete douche... but then everyone called licking his nutsack because he fucked Lindsay Lohan- who in my opinion has a head like a lollypop.

SincereCaramel said...

I have to say first and foremost, I am in love with you. There has been no one to make me laugh as much...you have been planning your wedding and you are a guy. Loves it! I just now started thinking about it. My family is Nigerian and there is just no way to have African food catered...classy. At all.

SincereCaramel said...

,,

Brea said...

Damn, I hope I find a man like you. The thought of planning a wedding makes my head hurt. I'll add that to my list of requirements for a man: must have wedding day already planned.

Ann! said...

haha, the peoples were right; you are hilarious... have you seriously been thinking about your wedding for 25 years? man! how have your plans changed since then?

and haha! sincerecaramel, you are mos. def. right! catering naija food is just... messy.

Shahnazzz said...

Hilarious! thanks - now be really good and send this to Brides, Elegant Bride, and Modern Bride.

B'Write said...

Awww! HumanityCritic wants to get married. I love guys who say "It's my day!" Keeps the bridezillas in check.

Just so you don't feel too bad about the church situation, my fair city has one of the most beautiful churches I've ever seen,Saint Peter in Chains Cathedral, and I've dreamed of being married in it. Only problem, I'm not Catholic. Even if I converted, it's booked atleast 5 years in advance and that's five years longer than I'm willing to chance an extended proposal LOL.

Here's the link if you wanna check out Saint Peter, although I can't think of why anyone would leave Virginia to journey into Blood Red Ohio. Especially when you can get married on the seawall by Fort Monroe. Damn I miss VA.
http://www.stpeterinchainscathedral.org

Get married on the b-ball court. Then you'll have a valid reason for demanding that everyone be in shell toes.

vani said...

wow- so you really have thought this through? lol

spchrist said...

Wedding are so STRESSFUL. I'll let my future wife plan it all and I just sign the checks.

Christen said...

lol you have this all thought out huh

jameil1922 said...

HAHAHAHA!! i'm letting a wedding planner take over. i'm not trying to think about that shit until the day. 30 min ceremony, 2hr reception, then the business. let's get it over w/. and even tho i'm ordinarily of the traditional sort when it comes to weddings, i actually love the idea of "i need love." probably b/c that's one of my fave ll songs. lol and i want to get married at the chapel at hampton u.

Reese The Law Girl said...

I'm picturing a bride walking down the aisle to "I need love."

Wow.

That would be so hi-larious, that it would be awesome!

Lena said...

All I can say is 'DONT DO IT'! Seriously, you think it's all under control but behing your back there will be schemeing of machievellian proportions and you'll be having your ceremony in a chintzy hotel before you know it.

Thanks for stopping by my blog by the way.

Cari said...

Not saying this too be nice.

I think any girl would love to have some help in planning for the wedding.

Guys are usually blah blah blah about these things like u said.

Clancy said...

I'd love to go to that wedding. Door knocker earrings? Would the DJ be permitted to play "Buffalo Stance" during the reception? (Actually I hope not; I never did think that song was all that great.)

What's your opinion of early 90s R&B? You must have written about it here before, so if you can give me a lead, I can find it in the archives. Some Babyface "Two Occasions"? Ralph Tresvant "Sensitivity"? LeVert "All Season"? Guy "Piece of My Love"?...oh, sorry, I was momentarily transported back to high school.

kevin said...

I often read your blog to my wife as a read-aloud before we go to bed. The idea of throwing cooked rice cracked us up.

As far as the wedding plans go, I gotta say getting married was one of the best things I ever did, and I can't think of much I would change about the wedding day. My sister manages a bridal boutique in Virginia Beach. If your bride to be needs a dress, I know the person.

YouToldHarpoTaBeatMe said...

I thought about this clip as soon as I read your post....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vnQpZtAaht0&search=pimp%20my%20bride

Amadeo said...

At my cousins wedding the groomsmen came down the aisle to "You're All I Need" by Meth and Mary J. and the entered the reception to Bootsy Collins "I'd rather be with you". Did I mention they didn't walk down the aisle they grooved down it.

Spelangel said...

W O W!

i see you have thought this all the way through....HA!

...and when that days comes please post the video on your blog...

W O W!

Ra said...

I want an invite!

You've thought this all out and it will definately be an affair to rememeber.

And the bride? What a lucky woman!

blackcrag said...

"It's my day"

Damn straight, it is! Who said weddings are only for the women? It takes two, so it both your days.

There's no shame in having your own ideas for your own (future) wedding... (though 25 years might be pushing it a little) the trick is getting your ideas past the bride. Good luck on that.

I don't have everything planned out, but something I have given serious thought to is getting married in formal tartan instead of a tux. My family is Scottish, there is a hereditary tartan, mostly blues and greys-- I like it.

Again, the trick is (if I decide to go with the full formal tartan get up) to get it past the bride--whomsoever she might be.

The cooked rice is funny. Maybe your buddy wouldn't have been so pissed if it was in smaller clumps...

ChiChi10 said...

Awwww...I think this is quite possibly the sweetest thing you have ever written!

It does sound like a cool wedding. Very entertaining, at the least. LOL

the only black girl in wicker park said...

yeah, so HC, i think you're cool n all. and its equally endearing to be planning your wedding n shit. awww, how sweet.

errr, but are the ladies that commented on this one forgetting that you're a throat chopping, porn watching, in your face, asshole?? LOL. that cracks me up.