Tuesday, July 25, 2006

A Hip Hop version of "Clerks"...directed by HumanityCritic..

Based on my love for everything Kevin Smith, I'm sure that many of you figured that I would give a glowing review of his latest flick "Clerks 2". I'm pretty sure you envisioned me waxing poetic about the sequel to the movie that sparked my writing interest, me talking about the free flowing dialogue, Kevin Smith's trademark humor, you might have even expected me to verbally bitch-slap any critic who blasted the movie, like this local douche named Mal Vincent, who wouldn't know a good movie if he was on the business end of a gay three way with both Ebert and Roeper, all three of them writhing around in a sea of film while "Citizen Kane" is playing in the background. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely loved the movie, and I'm kind of sad that this post won't enable me to talk about a "Donkey Show", a vagina troll named "Pillow Pants", and the decorum concerning going "ass to mouth" with your lover. But I felt that an all out review would be as predictable a Tyler Perry play, so I thought that I would honor a great movie with my rendition of "Clerks".(Albeit an alternate universe version, where the characters are black and they love Hip Hop)

*Disclaimer: This is satire, based on the original "Clerks" movie where the character of Randal says some outlandish things, so Relax. The following piece doesn't represent my personal feelings, except for me wanting to have sex with Lisa Lisa and Sheila E.)*

(The first few shots consist of Dante opening up the convenience store, stacking papers, putting the coffee on, generally preparing for a day similar to the 1000 he's had before. The opening credits roll to Madvillain's "Great Day")

(The first scene has Dante leaning over the counter, just dreading the rest of his day, waiting for the next customer.)

Randal:(Enters the store doing the whop) "The overweight lover's in the house!!!"

Dante: You're late!!!! What's your excuse today??

Randal: Sorry man, your mother can't get enough of me!! I'll tell you what though, no matter how many times I stick my dick in that geriactric temptress that is your mother, I'll never get used to looking at your baby pictures on her dresser while I come.

Dante: You motherfucker!!

Randal: Exactly! I guess letting you smell my fingers would be out of the question huh?

Dante:(shakes head)

Next Scene:(Jay and Silent Bob dance around wildly to M.O.P's "Ground Zero")

Jay: You know what Silent Bob, the chicks of today that horny dudes drool over don't have shit on the sexy bitches that used to pitch our tents back in the day yo!

Silent Bob:(Nods head in agreement)

Jay: Man I'd give anything to have one sweaty night with Sheila E, she's s drummer yo, atomic handjobs that would rip your motherfucking cock off, in that good way of course. Lisa Lisa, remember those video's where those Latina tits would just talk to a brother? Despite them being ugly and having enough grease in their hair to keep your car's engine lubricated for a calender year, I wanted to be a member of Full Force in the worst way. How about my sweet Jody Watley?? Her sister is the porn star but she is the one I'd really like to know biblically, waxing that sweet ass while I recite that Rakim verse from the song "Friends". One day my hetero life-mate, one day..

Silent Bob:(nodding while staring into the distance daydreaming)

Next Scene:(Dante and Randal are both sitting on the freezer quizzing each other on Hip Hop)

Dante: Here you go: "I'm Hemorrhoid, I'm the leader!!"

Randal: "De La Soul is Dead", that was easy! How about this one: "40 oz dreams and watermelon wishes.."

Dante: (smirking) Ice Cube's "Death Certificate". Here's one: "Just for frontin' you got that AAAASSS whipped!!"

Randal: Jesus Christ man talk about a softball, Jeru the Damaja "Come Clean". Ok, how about this "She Swallowed it, YEAHH!!!!"

Dante: Easy.. From N.W.A's EP "100 miles and running", the song was called "Just don't bite it". And if I'm correct it was track two, which was 5 minutes and 32 seconds long.

Randal: Only you would know the intricacies surrounding a song about digesting semen! I have to keep my eye on you..

Dante. What?? I'm just a fan who knows a lot about..

Randal: ..sucking dick obviously. That explains your love for banana's and the stretch marks around your lips, stay away from me Al Reynolds. I'll be in the video store if you need me.

Next Scene:(After a few minutes at the video store, Randall quickly gets into it with a customer and her movie selections)

Lady: Excuse me, why can't you ring up my movies?? What's wrong with you??

Randal:(doing a crossword puzzle) Sorry ma'am, to square myself with the movie gods above, I can't allow you to rent those. You're welcome to get some more flicks and I'll see what I can do..

Lady: What the fuck!! Ok jackass, what is wrong with what I picked??

Randall: You have movies starring Kevin Hart, Brian Hooks, and LisaRaye..The movie poison trifecta!! Meaning this lady, whenever you see those names attached to a movie you run as fast as possible!!

Lady: Wait a minute, Kevin Hart was in "The 40 year old virgin"!!

Randal: Bit part..

Lady: Hey, I love me some LisaRaye!! Hey, she was in "Player Club", see how much you know!

Randal: Enough said, but let me know why I'm boycotting your favorite B-actress. She gets on my nerves, getting mad at people who just call her "Lisa", not knowing that the "Raye" part is attached like some miscellaneous piece of toilet paper after wiping your ass. Her ass needs to Get some acting lessons and chose better roles first, then people might get her fucking name right.

Lady: How dare you talk about one of our finest actressess like that??!! I'm never coming here again!!! (Throws movies down and runs out the store)

Next Scene: (Randal returns to the Quickshop where Dante is, reading the paper)

Randal: (walking through door) Man you missed it, I mead another customer vacated the premises while shedding tears. I love this fucking job!!

Dante: She must have been a LisaRaye fan, let it go already Randal. Oh Shit, last night Gloria came by for you but you had already went home. What's up with you and her anyways?? Are you two dating??

Randal: Oh heavens no!!

Dante: Why not?? She's pretty, nice, smart, and for some reason she likes your rude ass.. What gives??

Randal: She's white, that's what gives!!

Dante: Come on, I know you aren't racist..

Randal: Of course not, but when I weighed my options when considering dating Gloria, I just thought I'd stick to fucking black chicks who I have less in common with.

Dante:(pausing) I hate to ask, what "options" did you weigh?

Randal: First off, do you know how fucking unsettling it is to watch your own mother bask in her own hypocrisy, smiling it up with your date, even though her main mantra concerning bringing a white girl home has always been "If she can't use your comb you can't bring her home!"?

Dante: Maybe your mothers stance on interracial dating has changed, So?

Randal: How about that looks of disgust black women give you when they see you out with your lady of the Caucasian persuasion? Even though, those same women wouldn't have pissed on me if I was on fire when I was single?

Dante: Again, so fucking what? If you are happy who gives a shit what people think.

Randal: I'm saying, I just hope that people start fully embracing the true message of the Reverend Martin Luther King Jr, that's all.

Dante: You mean civil disobedience, equality for all men, that message man.

Randal: That's what the liberal media wants you to believe. Sure, he was about all those things, but MLK went through what he did, and the reason for the civil rights movement for that matter, was for the sole purpose of black guys of my generation to be able to fuck white girls comfortably without taking a lot of shit because of it.

Dante: WHAT!!!!!!

Randal: Yep, it's just a shame that people haven't fully embraced Dr. King's vision, where "little black boys" will be able to fold up "little white girls" like origami and have people not think twice about it. (looking up in the sky) MLK, we are almost there brother!!

Dante:(head in hands) So you are saying that people risked their lives andf had to go through all those years of struggle just so it would be easier for you to fuck white chicks???

Randal: Exactly, you have to respect our forefathers for that brand of sacrifice.

Dante: You're a fucking idiot..

Randal:(Realising that a customer has been waiting during his lengthy diatribe) Ok sir, that will be seven dollars.

Al Sharpton:(Grabbing groceries, walking out of the convenience store with his mouth wide open)

Fade to black


BLESSD1 said...

Funny post, man. I have yet to see the first Clerks movie, but just based on Kevin Smith's writint, I'm gonna check it out 2nite. Excelsior!

Sankofa said...

OK, before y'all starting bitchin' and moanin' over here...


Keep doing the do HC...let the haters roll!

LaJane said...

Too funny, it's like you channeled the writing of Kevin Smith man..lol You have one, if not the best, blog around . Peace.

Zak said...

Great stuff bro, you should put your version on the big screen.

I am Jack said...

I'm loving it!! Totally dying over here, but one thing though. Fuck all the disclaimers and shit, if people get offended even they know its satire AND you are a decent person, well to quote a line from Jay and Silent Bob Striked Back.. "Fuck them up their stupid asses!!" Keep writing.

Anonymous said...

lol - you know you wrong, right...?


Amadeo said...

I'd pay to see that...I still wouldn't buy popcorn and I sneak beer in, but I'd buy the ticket.

Dawn Of The Dad said...

Kevin Smith needs to read that and work on a viral with you...

You can write! :)

Dr. Strangejazz said...

Get a camera now and shoot this thing.

SERIOUSLY. DO IT. Just change the characters names.


Luke Cage said...

LOL..! vintage HC/Kevin Smith dialogue man. Hey, I think you manifested KS to the fullest. Reading your version, I couldn't help but remember some memorable moments from Clerks 1 when Dante finds out his girl had sucked over 30 d***s, dude's rant about the guys who built the Death Star and the memorable incident in the restroom with the ahem.. stiff that passed on in there! Whew.. I'd pay good money to see your script out there H man

David said...

H.C., I think that Kevin Smith should really give you a ring! You two should collaborate on writing a film!

I haven't seen Clerks 2 yet, but I really enjoyed the first one. I'm sure #2 will be great as well!