I like myspace, but wait a minute...

Because I promised my mother that I would try to stop using a certain term of endearment, especially after I used that particular word 10 times while I was talking to her one afternoon all the while trying to hide the effects of that sweet cheeba, let me just say right now that Myspace is my "negro". The Internet, where people have a multitude of mind numbing time wasters at the click of a mouse, myspace has become one of my favorite online destinations right up there with "fat chicks with loose morals" and "beautiful women who love chubby blogging pre-ejaculators".(Ok, the last one doesn't exist.. a boy can dream can't he??) On myspace you can listen to more crappy bands in one hour than a record company A&R does in a calender year, you can reconnect with people you lost touch with or you purposely burned bridges with, find old girlfriends who dumped you years ago and giggle like a school girl on ecstasy as you read one of her blog entries that consists of the phrase "..and hopefully they will move me to the register next week!", and you can even connect with a person who you have been a fan of for the longest.

For example, I became a "friend" of a porn-star that I am familiar with, ok, I have so much of her "work" that I could dedicate a wing of my house to it. So when she sent me a message saying that she loved my blog, with me responding "Love in in a 'give an average Joe a blow-job' sort of way??", she responded "You ain't that funny motherfucker!!!"(Ahh myspace, the perfect place where fans can be the ultimate assholes!) Myspace, especially for an anti-social porn loving wanna-be scribe like myself, who has over 700 friends but only knows like 5 of them personally, has become a part of the family extended family.(..and not because I masturbate to peoples pictures on said site while saying, "Eww mommy!!" either) But we all know, at least I hope we know, that families aren't perfect. So, like a drunk uncle that you have to confront because of his alcoholism, not that him pissing on cop cars and sticking his dick in billiards holes isn't a riot and all, it's time to show my new relative some tough love. Myspace, because I love you, let me as eloquently as possible express to you that your fecal matter is just like the rest of our waste, it has a foul aroma to it as well.(The last line was an inside joke for a friend that said I'm too wordy and never get to the point..)


Sorry musicians, but I'm a dick: Because I was once a fledgling artist who was hopelessly trying to peddle my musical wears any way I possibly could, I understand the plight of the many bands who call myspace home. Even though I have been known to tell MC's, singers, or bands that they suck in person, going around and leaving random "You sound like a fucking constipated turkey when you sing" messages in people's inbox wasn't something that I planned for. I enjoy being an insufferable prick to people who deserve it, but I had no intentions on shattering someones musical dream via email, even though my black ass couldn't hold a note if you held a loaded bazooka to my head. The problem that I have, like in life, is that when people ask for my honest opinion I tend to give it to them.

The past few months when some musical act emailed me and asked me what I thought of their band, I could have lied and said, "You guys are terrific!! I mean, the way you rhymed "cat" and "bat" like that, pure genius. Oh yeah, that skit that you have where you have your own mother sucking dicks for crack money, it's like you are the Scorsese of this rap shit!" So because I didn't totally want to piss in their cheerios with blatant honesty, but at the same time not compromise my personal integrity, I'd hit them with a "it's ok" or "it's interesting". I know, I know, to bitch-slap someone with that sort of indifference is just asking for a heated rebuttal, and that's usually what I would get when they wanted me to be honest and give them constructive criticism. But because I am a sex addicted germaphobe, using "Monk" like selective-ness concerning the women I stick my penile light-saber in, you could just imagine how percise I was when getting back with them. After receiving my 8 paragraphs critiques ranging from my problem with their rhyme style, the "Casio beats" they used, the bass player who they need to let go, how "no one will buy a M.I.T graduate as having "bodies buried in three states", usually the respond by calling me a "dickhead" or implying that I was birthed out of a baboons buttcheeks. Oh Well, if you don't want scary answers don't ask scary questions I say.

A few gripes about famous folks: Because I am a geek, one who once had a chick dress up like a black "Laura Croft" on my birthday for some celebratory coitus, suffice it to say that I was excited to be one of the friends of a dude that goes by the name of Kevin Smith. Shit man, I have many famous peeps in my myspace stable, Questlove, Greg Kinnear, Heather Hunter, Common... I even have unique cats like the actual daughter of George Jung, the character Johnny Depp played in "Blow", Shorty-No-Mas of De La Soul fame, I even have the most unheralded member of A Tribe Called Quest as one of my friends, Jarobi. Granted, these people probably wouldn't piss on my natural brown ass if I was set ablaze with a million dollars strapped to my chubby body, so it just exploits the fact that I need a wife as soon as possible.

My gripe is with the celebrities that either have a "private" profile or the one's that don't want to add you as a friend unless they "know you". The private profile is silly because if you are a fan of someone chances are you know their whole background, you have all their records, you are aware of that porn tape of them that was stolen from their house, you are aware of the bastard kid they had with that member of that one-hit wonder R&B group of the early 90's, you even know that their homophobia stems from an embarrassing incident they had in jail when they were on the business end of a "oops, you dropped the soap" incident. My question is, why the sudden fucking secrecy 007?? As for the artists that don't allow average Joe's to become their friends, what gives?? Excuse me, I have to sneeze.(Ahh, Ahh, chewwww-Bahamadia)

Ladies I love you, but give me a fucking break: I'm sure that women have some of the same complaints about dudes on myspace, so keep your Lane Bryant's on why don't you!! Listen, I know that this is only the Internet and to not take this shit that seriously, but some of the pages I come across just invoke such strong eye rolls that I wouldn't be surprised if my dread-locked head exploded. For one thing, I understand when women have that classic Mya Angelou poem on their page, bombard you with lengthy diatribes about them "deserving respect", them "not taking anything from a man", I'm down with all that. But doesn't the case for respect get thrown out of the window when your screen name is "sperm deposit", the song that plays on your page verbally re-enacts an orgy on a tropical beach, and you have pictures posted that would even make Larry Flynt say "Now that's some nasty shit!!"

Ladies I'm sorry, but if I hear see one more person say "They are my world and no man comes before them" concerning their kids, I'll fucking go mental and start bashing random passers-by over the head with my keyboard. Shit, I hope your kids do come first dumb-ass, anything less and I would be dry-snitching on you to your local child services office. Speaking of kids, and maybe I'm a conceited jerk who is as lecherous as they come, but if you are fine as fuck don't have one picture of yourself and like 20 of your kids crumb-snatching kids and shit. True, it's your page, but think about sexual deviants like me for Christs sake!!

Watch out, myspace might get your ass whipped: Maybe it's just me, maybe I bring out the worst in people based on my abrasiveness when it comes to me expressing my point of view, but for some reason I feel that I get more physical threats via myspace than anyone. If it's not your random "Fuck you bastard!!", "I bet I can kick your ass!", people who want to get on their soapbox and nitpick based on a piece of satire I wrote, and the brilliant Tupac fans that bombard me with entertaining death threats comprised of misspelled words usually in all caps, where they are highly offended that I didn't have their favorite rapper in my personal Top Ten. Usually I would respond to them, say something about their mother blowing guys to keep the rent paid, but then I would usually keep it moving based on the fact that its only the Internet and I don't want to take any more time away from the love letters I write to Rosario Dawson, in calligraphy, in my own blood. Anyway, things started to change when not only did someone from my own area start threatening me, but I noticed that he went to all the local events posted on myspace. Suffice it to say I went to one of the local Hip Hop shows to ambush a guy who once called me a "douche-bag", said that my blog "sucked major cock", and said that he would pummel me if he ever saw me. To make a long story short I saw the gentleman in question, but my plans were thwarted when I noticed that he was like 100 pounds soaking wet and he was with his girlfriend at the time. So I saw the Hip Hop show and when it was over and started to leave, but then I turned around, stepped to the man in question, palmed his face and proceeded to mush him into a stack of chairs. Yes it is nerdly and I'm not proud of my actions, but the fact that I stood over him and said "HumanityCritic motherfucker, you better ask somebody!!" will always bring a smile to my face.

Sidenote: Because I'm a whore when it comes to gaining new friends, here is my myspace page.