The following sentence might endanger my hetero-street cred, but being that I have admitted to openly weeping when Cochise died in "Coolie High" and being one of the only straight males who watch "One life to Live" on a regular basis, maybe said "hetero street cred" went out the window years ago. OK, here goes.. Whenever I am dating someone, even early in the relationship, I envision the minute possibility that one day the both of us will be married somewhere, black picket fence, 2.5 kids, her making a bonfire out of my porn stash, the whole nine. But when I think deeper in terms of someone sharing my living space, I think of all the bad habits that I have, habits that I think would make even the most liberal pacifist want to cut my nuts off with a dull knife. For one thing I have full blown arguments in my sleep, with god knows who, from topics ranging from Hip Hop to capitol punishment, where I always end up challenging the nocturnal opponent to a "duel".(who knows?) I snore, I'm not the neatest person in the world, I don't answer the door when people "pop up", I like to hum the smurf tune whenever I ejaculate, I sing the Willy Wonka inspired "I got the golden ticket" song every time I clutch a condom that I'm about to put on before sex, and I just know that whenever I have a new girlfriend I will scream a Busta Rhyme-esque "get Low Critic!!!" right before I give my mate reciprocity in the name of oral.
But, I'm pretty sure that there is a person out there willing to deal with my specific brand of bullshit. Maybe there is even a small segment of nut-bag ladies out there, possibly, who find my immature antics "cute", "adorable" even.(ahem.. hey, just kidding about the "nut-bag" line ladies. Um, my email address is on my blog..) But there is one idiosyncrasy that I have that I'm certain even the most tolerant female can't get beyond, one that even annoys me when other people do it. That idiosyncrasy is my utterly irritating, manic way I handle the remote control while I'm watching the boob tube. I've been told that my handling of the remote is similar to a Hip Hop DJ trying to blend records with a lethal mix of caffeine, crack, speed, and crystal meth flowing through his blood stream, frantically going back and forth between both records. I don't know, maybe it's my ADD, but I feel like an acrobatic cable-man as I flip channels, seemingly unsatisfied regardless of what channel I eventually land on. So buckle up your seat-belts you fucking grommets, and see what it feels like to sit beside Humanity F Critic as I channel surf.
HumanityCritic turn off the DVD player with the movie starring Chest C. Mann as he pleases a plethora of gluteal enhanced temptresses. A heartwarming tale really, where the fate of the world relies on his sperm to stay alive. I don't need to be an Ebert here, but I'm sure that the men in that fictitious scenario would probably chose that death thing over another guy's "goo". HumanityCritic grabs the remote to see what's on T.V.
Making the Band 3: Jesus Christ man, I hate Puffy the same way Lou Diamond Phillips must hate Melissa Etheridge. For one thing, what good has that miserable son of bitch actually done besides discover Biggie? Loon, Black Rob, Mase, the dude has produced more horrific artists than that brief period that "horror-core" was popular. As for the show, I can't speak on it for a great amount of time because I have only seen bits and pieces of it. But it's evident that those girls are never going to come out, and if they do they will receive the same amount of attention that Puffy usually gives one of his artists, hardly none. For the life of me, when he tries to bully one of the girls for underachieving, I keep wanting her to say "What?? Weren't you the same asshole who wore those god awful shining suits?? Aren't you the same guy who piggybacked the death of your so called "friend" to further your own sub par musical career?? Watch who you talk to, Sean.." Fuck it, let's see what else is on..
"Hogan Knows Best": Should I really care about a show starring a wrestler that I stopped caring about when I was 12?? After a few minutes of viewing it became painfully obvious that this show isn't on Vh1 because of it's quality, but simply because it conveniently fills a 30 minute time gap. They all have the personality of string cheese, and I'm wondering if I'm the only one that wants something bad to happen to them, like Johnny Knoxville coming out of nowhere and smacking one of them in the face with a 2x4. Lastly, I have heard of overprotective fathers, but the "Hulkster" takes it to a new level, to the point that I think.. OK, I won't go there, but the end result of what I was about to type are 3 headed children. Lets see what else is on..
"Batman Begins": I love this movie, taking that cave dwelling superhero from those campy ass movies of the 90's, and making him a much darker figure was such a great move in my honest opinion. I don't have much to say about this, lets see what else is on.(grabbing remote, then putting it down to address the blog readership) Wait, there is one thing that pisses me off like a bad bladder about this movie. It isn't the plot, cinematography, the actors, none of those are my particular gripes. My problem is with Katie Holmes' character, Rachel Dawes, the childhood friend of Bruce Wayne who keeps giving him shit about his lifestyle. Granted, she has no idea that Bruce moonlights in a strange suit fighting crime in Gotham, but her constant condescending "what are you doing with your life" shit gets tired quick. I keep wanting Bruce Wayne to say, "Bitch, I'm Batman goddammit!! While you were going over documents last night I took on 3 bank robbers, an evil madman with a laser with the capacity to take out 4 city blocks, and local cops who think that I'm the bad guy. Get the fuck outta here before I beat you with my utility belt!" OK, lets see what else is on..
"E! Entertainment News": It says here that Corey Haim and Corey Feldman are pitching a reality show surprisingly called, "The Corey's". Man, talk about a cluster-fuck of unadulterated "Who gives a shit!!", let's hope that this trainwreck never sees the light of day. These two wastes of flesh haven't been relevant since LL Cool J's "Radio" album, what makes them think that people want to tune in weekly to see a fucking half hour cautionary tale. But to be clear, I have never had a beef with Corey Haim, he wasn't the first and won't be the last teen idol who became road kill on that pop culture highway. But Corey Feldman, that douche-bag, I have more beef with him than Peta does with the dietary habits of Reuben Studdard. OK, he was good in "Stand By Me", but remember that Michael Jackson phase he went through in the late 80's, what in the fuck was that about?? Also, I love "The Lost Boys", but the only thing that ruins it is Corey Feldman's acting choice to have his character talk with a groggy, "let me sound like this to get the ladies" voice. *mental note*[If I ever see feldman, punch him dead in the face] OK, what else is on..
ESPN:"Interview with Shaq": As a Lakers fan and a Kobe Bryant apologist I know that hating Shaq is a natural as Mary J. Blige depressing people, or her scaring her make-up lady in the morning, I know that. But even if I wasn't a fan of the Lakers I'm certain that the 7 foot milk-dud named Shaquille O'Neal would still bother me. For one thing he won a ring, congrats, but he still keeps Kobe Bryant in his mouth like he is trying to get the record for the World's longest "mouth hug". Besides that the media, because they either hate Kobe that much or collectively think that most black men can't string together 2 coherent sentences, act like the words that come out of his mouth are the most profound syllables ever. I mean, people quote this jackass and act like he is Mark Twain or Winston Churchill or some shit, but when you read the actual text you shake your head the same way you would if your domesticated animal shat all over your couch. People, the guy is a douche, wake up!! Go somewhere and make another "Kazaam" movie you shit-stain, lets see what else is on.
"The 2006 B.E.T Awards": After seeing a few fleeting moments of Damon Wayans hosting it suddenly occurred to me that the Wayans family haven't made sane people laugh since "I'm Gonna Get your Sucka".(Sad really) Ok, I didn't sit through the entire thing, I couldn't based on the mass amounts of wackness that were in attendance that particular night. When Debra Lee, the Chairman and C.E.O of B.E.T got up to address the crowd, I felt a warm feeling rush my body like I was coming in contact with someone who once assaulted my mother. Ms. Lee is probably a nice woman, but when I think of the torrential downpour on black culture B.E.T is, let's just say that I won't be heading Ms. Lee's fan-club anytime soon. I kept wanting to call her the "Eva Braun of black culture", you know Hitler's girlfriend, sitting there clueless as millions of people are sent to the gas chamber of ignorance, a move set in motion by Hitler himself.(Bob Johnson) But comparing anyone, even figuratively, to one of the worst animals in history is a bit much. They aren't sending people to any gas chamber or perpetrating any other garden variety of atrocity you can name, but B.E.T is still dangerous.
By the way, I'm not complaining, but didn't Indie Arie get thick as a motherfucker?(On some "red beans and rice didn't miss her" shit) Of course she shaved her head, I'm not mad at that, but she is so damn solid I'm certain that she could hold Shaq to single digits, during a Heat home-game no less!!. Let me stop drooling over the woman, I don't have a chance in hell with her, even if I did I'm certain that my penchant for coming home drunk and triple penetration porn wouldn't sit well with a coffee shop chick like herself.
Click..click..Click.. Fuck it..
HumanityCritic switches the T.V off.