Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Escaping Death(Giving the Grim Reaper the Finger!)

The old saying that God looks after fools and babies is true in my case. You would think, for a guy that has escaped death as much as I have in life, that I would live my life more conservatively. One would think that I would spend a considerable amount of time watching my every step, savoring every breath of air that enters my lungs like it is the last. But the funny thing is the opposite effect happened. It actually made me more liberated to do and say things that I probably wouldn't have said in years past. Here are a few examples when I gave the grim reaper the finger.(If you have any examples, feel free to share them.)

Stairway To Hell: As the story was told to me by both of my parents, when we lived in Philadelphia I fell down a cemented flight of stairs. Apparently we had a basement that my mother made sure to always keep the door locked, and erect a baby gate in front of it to keep me from busting my ass. I guess either my mother had forgotten to lock the door, or someone else had and took down the gate, because I opened the door and went tumbling down 20 cement steps. My parents didn't agree on much as I remember, but the one thing that they did agree with was that my mother was going bat-shit when this happened. My father had to take control of the situation and took me to the hospital immediately. When the doctor examined me, he didn't believe that I had just fallen down 20 cement steps because I was barely bleeding, and I was giggling the whole time. My father wasn't a religious man, but after I had a clean bill of health he went to a local church, prayed, and thanked god for what he called a "miracle." To this day my mother attributes my "craziness" to the fact that "my black ass fell down those stairs, knocking some screws loose." Shit, she's probably right.

Lost at Sea: Looking back, my parents were kind of strict. Not strict like, "Your ass isn't leaving the house period", but in a "I don't know their parents, you aren't staying the night over there" kind of way. My friend named Tyrone invited me to go fishing with his father and about 4 of our mutual friends on a boat that Tyrone's father owned. I immediately asked my father if I could go and I remember hearing a resounding "No" sound come out of his mouth. His reasons were because he didn't trust Tyrone's father, I wasn't a strong enough swimmer, and because "He said so!" I sat in my room while my friends were having the time of their lives, silently cursing my father and wishing bad things on him. A day later I had found out that a couple of the boys had drowned because they had fallen off the back of the boat when Tyrone's father was trying to show off. When the remaining boys had alerted Tyrone's father, they were already like 200 yards away. They saved one of the boys, but the other drowned and wasn't found until 3 days later when his body washed up on shore. I have to give my father props though, he never said "See!" or flaunted his parental skills, he just gave me a hug as I cried over my dead friend.

No Backseat Love: I had a friend in High School named Carla who was a closeted lesbian. She knew that her parents would be against her lifestyle choice so she made it look like I was her boyfriend to ease any doubts that they might of had. I played along, even coming by occasionally to see her when I was in the area. The truth was, Carla had a girlfriend that she was deeply in love with named Julie, who posed as my sister whenever they would hang out.(In hindsight, I just don't see why they couldn't have acted like they were platonic girlfriends?..) Anyway, Carla and Julie wanted me to go to Bush Gardens with them because Carla's parents had found some "questionable" material in her room and they needed me for damage control, playing the boyfriend again. I don't know what I had planned that day, probably nothing important, but I declined their offer and told them to "have fun." They were pissed at me, begging me to go with them, even bribing me with money in order for me to go. I was persistent, I gave them a resounding "no" each time they asked. After uttering a vicious "Fuck you", they hung up the phone. A few days later I heard that on their way to Bush Gardens they had gotten into a bad accident, where their car had flipped over 3 or four times on the interstate. Luckily they survived, but their entire backseat area, where I most likely would have been sitting, was completely caved in. I can't say that I absolutely avoided death in that instance, but it makes you wonder though.

Guns ablazin': I have to admit, I've always been a asshole, but college was when I started to actually find my stride asshole-wise. I was dating this girl named Shelly, who had just gotten out of a relationship with her "crazed, drug dealing ex boyfriend." I had no idea if he was crazed, or even a drug dealer, but Shelly kept telling me that like it was some important information. Shit, i didn't care if her ex-boyfriend was John Gotti, as long as I was currently seeing her naked, that's all I cared about. She kept telling me that her ex was "looking for me" and that I should watch my back.(Watch out, some girls will get you killed. If he is your ex, who is crazy, why tell the dude my name or anything about me?? Exactly.) I finally met the ex in question when I was walking Shelly home and he tried get in my face.. He had a gun so I knew that I had to act fast, so stealing him in the face was my only option. While he was on the ground I grabbed his gun and threw it in the gutter, then the police came because Shelly had called them. The following days I had learned that the ex actually had killed people, and that my days were pretty much numbered. I should have been scared, I considered getting a gun myself, but I wasn't and I didn't. Her ex had found out that every Monday I went to a certain drinking spot like clockwork. For some reason I didn't go that night, but her ex went there looking for me, with about 5 other mean looking dudes ready to end my life. Apparently they meant business, as people to this day who were there always say, "You are one lucky son of a bitch!." A few days after the club incident my problem ended when a guy who Shelly's ex owed money to filled him up with more lead than a number 2 pencil.

Stray Bullet: This was definitely the craziest shit ever, and this situation wasn't caused by me or me being an asshole!(Go figure) I was visiting some friends in Atlanta when we decided to go to a club one Saturday night. The night was innocent enough, I met a few girls, got drunk off my ass, BUT I didn't have any confrontations with anybody. A couple of my friends were still in the club, another friend of mine is talking to a girl somewhere in the parking lot, and I am leaning against my homeboys car just drunkenly free-styling to myself. I see an argument break out between the bouncers and a gentlemen that they were throwing out of the club. I'm oblivious to it, and I just keep on enjoying my drunken haze. Then, I guess because I was bored, I started doing Karate moves, in a totally drunken fashion. Apparently at this time the man who had gotten thrown out went back to his car, pulled out a gun, and started shooting at the bouncers in front of the club. This was how drunk I was, I didn't hear the actual gunshots but I heard something whiz by me, and what seemed to be a sound like someone was punching the car I was standing by. Again I was oblivious, and my friends rushed over to me minutes later to see if i was OK. I looked and there seemed to be bullet holes on both sides of where I was actually standing. When I realized this, my buzz had vanished, and like a bitch my knees went weak and I collapsed. To this day, because I was mocking kung-fu moves while being shot at, they call me "Neo" because they claim I can dodge bullets. I still want to wet myself when I think about that incident.

35 comments:

Anonymous said...

I dont remember any of this but apparently, when I was a kid, I was running down the hallway of my house and fell on a nail sticking out the wall or something...it scraped the top of my eyebrow so an inch or two down and I would probably only have one eye right now or dead...the fall was pretty bad cause now, I have a big scar above my right eye...covered up somewhat by the hairs of my eyebrow somehow growing upwards

SP said...

Wow! You really have escaped death. Someone is definitly watching over you!

IsLifeLame said...

great now I have to put my faces of death post on hold so you don't think I'm rippin you off. that is if you even read my lame ass blog.

muffin said...

if i'm counting correctly, you have about 4 lives left.

Amadeo said...

I posted one of my joints, but I can say that me and my man have left the area 5 minutes before about 10 large barfights broke out.

Kathryn said...

WOW! You have escaped death way too many times! I am so glad I have only had 2 near death experiences: one from a severe wool allergy and a car accident. I need to find you and bottle up what ever is protectng you.

Nikki said...

God talking at watercooler to Gabriel: "So like I was saying, kid. She had this big ol' booty. Aw wait a minute Gabe, I'll finish the story later. I gotta go save this fool HC again."

Anonymous said...

Yep. someone up there like you HC!

U-Liang said...

Awesome post. I escaped out of a buring car once when I was a teenager. What a horrible experience.

FantasyFootballGuru said...

Man, you don't have any lives left! Be careful man..

I am Jack said...

I have been in some hair raising situations but yours take the cake. great writing by the way.

kev fan said...

Yu write great stuff everyday..

Jdid said...

you cant die neo you're the one!

Girl With An Alibi said...

I had a similar experience to the Backseat story, only instead of lesbians it was my parents. I was about 8 or 9 and my cousin talked me into a sleepover rather than going out with my folks. The next morning I found out that some loser had stolen a big rig and in the process of evading police had rammed it into the back of my dad's Cougar, causing the entire backseat (where I would have been) to burst into flames and nearly incernerating my folks. Fortunately a cop pulled my folks out of the car before it went up in a Hollywood-worthy explosion. The odd thing is that when my cousin told me about it I was pissed at her for being the bearer of bad news that my folks were in the hospital. But really I owed her my life.

Anonymous said...

Once in the middle of a formal military dinner one dark, drizzly raining night on a tropical island in Japan, I rushed outside in my dress blues to take a piss, stepped discreetly into the treeline, and fell off a hidden cliff. After cartwheeling and somersaulting down through the jungle below, bouncing off quite a few rocks and trees, I finally came to a stop. I had lost a shoe, ripped my uniform to shreds and been cut and scraped to hell but luckily no major damage. Thoroughly disoriented and desperate, I eventually took off most of my clothes and struggled back up the cliff using slippery roots and footholds. I then hobbled over to a nearby friend's house to borrow a shoe, clean myself up, and rejoin my wife at the party.

EMH said...

God does protect babies and fools... Well Mr. Anderson you have about 4 lives left. What do you intend to do with them is entirely up to you.
Seriously, I think that people die when it's "their time to go". Everything happens for a reason and great things may be in store for you.
Great post man. You're a good writer.

melette said...

God must have something for you to do.

Hermes said...

Damn bro'.

You have more lives than a cat.

Brother OMi said...

"To this day my mother attributes my "craziness" to the fact that "my black ass fell down those stairs, knocking some screws loose."

thats funny

but dag those are some ill stories. man you need to come out with a book. your blog is always inspiring man.

Cynthia said...

HC: 5 down, 4 more to go.

I guess the closest I came to death is when I was born. It took the doctors ~10 minutes to get me to breath my first breath of air.

Colleen Shirazi said...

Hi!

Thanks for visiting my blog...I'm still trying to figure out how these comments work.

Your friends are right, have you ever thought about writing a book? It would be very interesting.

piranha said...

my sister was driving. there were people at the highway who waved they needed help. she stopped. ON THE HIGHTWAY, social as she is. there was no place to park. it was midnight, no cars on the highway. except for that one who crashed in our car soon after, with 100 km into our standing car. my sister broke her cervical, survived, isn't even paralyzed. doctors said it s due to our doing acrobatics. I got away with a whiplash injury. the car looked like there shouldn't have been anyone alive in there. the backwheels were under our front seats. and similarly to your sitaution: damn was I happy that I decided NOT to sleep in the back although originally I had intended to. that was crazy shit man. I won't ever forget the sound of this car crashing into ours. I dragged my sister out of the car as I was expecting a hollywood like explosion (which didn't happen of course) and man, I could have killed her. it s so fucking crazy...

the other incident was when I was a kid: i climbed a high tree to show off and match my older sister. despite the warnings of her I continued, and of course I fell, what saved my life is that a dead branche somehow found its way into my mouth so I was hanging for a short moment on this branche with my mouth and then my lip ripped and I fell down. the speed was slowed down due to that. I cried like hell and my dad who luckily worked in the same village came and brought me to my mom and the first thing she did was to spank me. just imagine!!! today I can't but laugh about that....

by the way, the kung fu thing is really a thing that should make you believe in guardian angels!!!!!

i m happy you are still alive, and I can totally relate to your being even the more liberated. for me its the same. i celebrate birthday twice now, for my caraccident survival day and my original birth day. and i am crazy like a lunatic and i absolutely enjoy it. death is around the corner. life as well...

keep it up
piranha

ps i dreamt of you the other night ain't that funny?? you tried to hide your dreads so as not to be recognized and I acted as if I didn't know its you. we had a very deep conversation but sadly enough no sex ;))

Scott said...

Amazing tales, but I still can't get over lesbians wanting to go to Bush Gardens.

Chele said...

All I can do is praise Him, HC. If no one else knows...you know how precious life is...I hope

Running2Ks said...

I don't know about your religious beliefs, or for sure about guardian angels, but my goodness. You are quite the phenomenon. And it is nearly as exceptional that you didn't turn violent to deal with the violence around you. Congratulations. Maybe you are sticking around here for some good reasons. Besides the blog.

coley said...

Hey HC... I know it's not funny, but you had me ROFLMA imagining you being drunk off your ass doing kung fu moves! You must have been really really drunk to not hear the damn gun shots!

But on a serious note! YOU ARE REALLY LUCKY!!! Someone is definetely looking out for you!

punkx said...

thank for stoping by my blog!

Hypothetically Speaking said...

Just - wow!

Anonymous said...

:-O
@running2K's: HC IS violent!!! didn't you realiye that by reading his blog???????? :-O
P

Running2Ks said...

Yeah, but I don't expect he'll be exercising alleged 2nd amendment rights and popping a cap--ya know? A violent mind is a terrible thing to waste ;)

THANKFUL said...

OMG, yeah maan I have had some close calls. I remember not long ago I was @ a stop light and just seconds before it turned green, JUST SECONDS....this car comes blazing out of control through the insection hitting at least 80 like someone put a brick on the gas and left it unmanned or something... craaaazy..... It jumped the curb on the other side of the street and busted through a fence. I watched all of this in complete shock because it was happening so up close and personal. I couldn’t even blink as I picked up my cell phone to call the police. Smoke began to rise from the scene of the accident and all I could do was tell GOD thank you. Thanks to his grace that kept me out of the path of that car. And all I could do was pray that the people on the inside were alive. WHOO Don’t you love God’s grace??? It's not happens chance never it’s the grace of Almighy GOD for real that’s whassup…

Beans said...

um i fell out of a moving truck, lke apparently I leaned on the handle and it opened the door and i was trying to hold onto the door but couldnt hang on, i was only like 5 :) so then yeah i passed out or something and when I woke up i was at the church with people praying over me... wowsers.

Patry Francis said...

Doesn't it make you feel like there's got to be a reason you're here?

BLESSD1 said...

One morning, about 4am, I was on my way to work (sucks to be going to work that early, right?), and there was a car closing in on my bumper. I was doing 90, and it was still coming up on my ass. I switched lanes and passed another car. A few seconds later I hear a thunderous boom. It turns out that the car tailgating me was driven by a girl who'd fallen asleep behind the wheel, and when I switched lanes, she smashed into the car that was in front of me before I switched lanes at speeds exceeding 90 mph. I called an emergency medical unit, but I never found out if she lived. I've had a couple of other harrowing experiences, but that one stands out b/c I'm afraid that someone else may have lost their life.

the kid said...

I swear you crack me up!

My near-death story:
The morning of my probate show, I was so exhausted, but I needed to get my hair done. Well, something told me to go home first, and even to this day, I can think of nothing that was at home--it was just the Lord and/or my angels watching out to make sure my accident would be on a back road and not on the interstate. Anywho, I fell asleep behind the wheel, and veered to the left. No cars were coming, and there were a couple of cars behind me that immediately called the ambulance after the crash. A ditch had just been dug where I went over at so there was fresh mud, so I ended up stopping a yard from a tree. I banged my face on the steering wheel and totaled my car, but I'm alive with no remnants of the accident besides that the vision in my left eye is a little worse than it was anyway. I got into an argument with the people behind me when the police got there cuz they kept saying I was trying to pass someone, but I really just fell asleep. Anywho, that's my story. :)