Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Now THAT'S Rock and Roll!

When I think about some of the situations my band has been in all I can do is laugh. My band consists of five individuals including myself, and I am the only one that isn't married. I think that going in they thought that they would live vicariously through me, experiencing my lurid tales after a weekend of debauchery. They quickly found out that my love life has been about as exciting as a wake, and I feel like an utter disappointment in that department. But we have experienced some things together, here are just a few examples.

1. Impressing a Girl: If you have read my blog for any amount of time you know that I have a temper, somewhat. Well, this particular young lady that I was dating came to one of our shows one night. I planned on being on my best behavior, I didn't want her to figure out that I was a loudmouth, obnoxious asshole until after she had already succumbed to my charms. Anyway, she shows up and I give her a quick shout-out while I am on stage. She smiles from ear to ear, and I can just see the chances of me seeing her naked increasing by the second. Right after our 3rd song some asshole rudely shouts out a song request, which is usually met by some strong retaliatory words from yours truly, but because my date was there I didn't say a word back. My band-mates looked bewildered at my new found "restraint".

After our set I sat beside my date and had a pretty good conversation, until a young couple came to our table and expressed "how full of shit" I was, and that I would get killed talking about Bush where they were from like that. My hand actually started shaking, trying to put on a good face for this woman that I adored, and simply said "I see we have a difference of opinion. That's life I guess." I couldn't believe I was behaving myself so well that night. She told me that she really liked my band, and that she had to go because she had a "long day tomorrow." I kissed her on her cheek and told her I would call her later. As soon as she left I went on a verbal barrage like you wouldn't believe. I told the guy that requested "Stairway to Heaven" that he could kiss my black ass and that we were not a goddamn cover band. I told the young couple who approached my table earlier that they were pieces of fecal matter, and specifically told the man that I didn't appreciate him saying that I would get killed for my views, and that we could discuss it further outside. Right in the middle of my profanity laced diatribe my date had came back because she had forgotten her jacket and she had heard damn near everything. I guess I should go back to telling a woman that I'm an asshole on the first date, huh?

2. Where's my money??: Like any DJ, rapper, singer, or band knows, some club owners will go out of their way to stiff you out of your hard earned money. My band was promised money after one of our shows at a club we were performing at in Miami. The show went good, people liked our stuff, and everything went off without a hitch. When we went to get our money the owner tried to act like our fee was 150 dollars under the agreed upon fee. Then when we wouldn't accept it he refused to pay it at all. If this guy was in his 20's, 30', 40's, or early 50's, I would of just beaten it out of him but this guy was like 75. I think beating up the elderly goes on your record when you reach the pearly gates, so I'm wasn't doing that, I do have a moral barometer. We raised hell for about a half hour when the main act, a pretty famous group that we were opening up for, emerged out of nowhere to save the day. The lead singer of said group informed the owner that if he didn't pay us our money that his group wouldn't perform. Now THAT'S Rock and Roll! The owner quickly changed his tune and decided to give us what we were originally promised. I don't want to really say who the lead singer was but I will give you a big hint when I say, "Give it away, Give it away, Give it away now!".

3. Prince in the Building: Prince was performing in the same town that we were at a couple of years back, and rumor had it that he was stopping by the concert hall we were performing at. Not for us, but because that particular hall was special to Prince for some reason. Personally, I didn't think Prince was coming so I basically brushed it off and didn't really think about it. We started our show and everything was fine at first, until people started screaming that Prince had just entered the building. As we are in the middle of a song I look in the back of the establishment and I see people crowded around a person that resembled Mr. Purple Rain himself. I started to absolutely show my ass with long ass guitar solos, extra exuberant singing, acting like a dickhead just to impress the man I had been a fan of for more than 20 years. After the show I was excited to get Prince's opinion of my band and specifically my performance. When I reached the back of the club to meet one of my personal hero's I found a quite disturbing discovery. Prince wasn't Prince at all, it was a motherfucking impersonator! As I stood there, and people starred at me like I was nuttier than squirrel shit, I laughed for about 5 minutes straight.

4. Cover Band for a Night: One thing that I hate is when some miscellaneous asshole screams out a request like we are a fucking cover band. Usually, regardless if you are a man or a woman, you will get cursed the fuck out if you ask us to play "Stairway to Heaven" or any other song that is constantly requested. That is until a fateful night a few months ago. Listen, we are a black rock band so the amount of African Americans in attendance outside of our faithful fan-base is pretty slim to none. But this one night we were playing at a straight up "country and western, we love Toby Keith" bar. We started playing some of our songs and the crowd didn't boo, but they weren't digging our music either. Then, out of nowhere, I hear some lady say "Sing Sweet Home Alabama!". I was ready to lace whoever said that with a slew of profanities, probably an insult suggesting that her parents were siblings. I look at who saw it and it was a woman in her 30's, in a wheelchair, looking like she was sitting at deaths door. As I stood there speechless for about 20 seconds, the woman's girlfriend came up to the stage and told me in my ear that she was dying, and if I could play some songs for her.

So I grabbed the microphone, hopped off stage, and started talking to a woman who revealed herself to be named "Grace". Since the stage had a ramp, I wheeled Grace on stage and began to actually sing "Sweet Home Alabama". Come to think of it I sang most of her requests like Van Halen's "Hot for teacher", Jimi Hendrix's "Purple Haze", Led Zepplins "Stairway to Heaven", Guns and Roses "Sweet Child of mine"(I didn't realize that I knew that one), and various other songs. Grace had a great time and I am glad that I could provide her with some joy that night. Looking back, Grace is probably the only reason that we didn't get booed out of the building. Recently Grace came to one of our shows, looking healthy as ever. She asked me if I was disappointed that she didn't die, since I did something that I never did and played cover songs. I told her that I was just happy that she was alive and gave her a big hug.

5. Fuck the Police!: We were playing some small town in middle America around election time. My band played a pretty big club, where we performed our anti-establishment songs and called George Bush everything but the son of God that night. The crowd was great, showing us love through the entire process. After the show we load up the bus and begin to make that long trek back to Virginia. About a mile into it we see some flashing lights in the rear view so we pulled over to the side of the road. The cop walks up and I said, "Is there a problem officer?" The officer replies, "Yeah, you were speeding!" I said, "No we weren't! Listen, we are in a town with a population of 500 and a black population consisting of a guy named Kenny, trust me I was mindful of my speed." The cop orders me out of the car a immediately starts frisking me. As I have my hands against the bus the cop says, "I was doing security at the club you guys just played and I was appalled at how anti-American you assholes are." I replied, "That's what this is about?? Man, this is some bullshit!!" I had a dilemma because I wanted to talk shit, but I didn't want to put my band-mates in danger. As the cop talked shit about our band, as I stood against the car, I looked inside the bus at my bandmates and they gave me a look saying, "Do your thing HumanityCritic!" When the cop turned me around I said, " Fuck you pussy, you had no reason to stop us in the first place motherfucker!" I suddenly felt handcuffs being secured around my wrists and I was thrown in the back of a cop car. As we drove off I kept thinking that I wasn't going to make it, that he would shoot me and throw me in a ditch somewhere. So I talked shit the entire time, from saying everything from him having relations with sheep, his mother being a dime-store whore, and comparing him to a sanitary napkin. In the end it all turned out fine, especially since I have a good lawyer who even scares the shit out of me. But, that night, I thought that my blogging days were over.

34 comments:

CaffeineDiva said...

Damn damn damn...
1. Why bother sensoring yourself for a chick, if she ever read your blog she would know exactly what to expect.
2. You talk more shit than a little bit! I'm surprised you didn't rot in that jail! You are probably your lawyers favorite damn client.
THAT's Rock -n- Roll!

Running2Ks said...

Hi-larious! We play both kinds of music: country AND western. Oh, and love the Ben Stiller-esque turn you did with the girl. But hey, girls love a$$holes--wonder if her early night would have been non-existent if you were up-front? Oh well, I'm sure you'll have ample opportunities being single in a band and the only truly available member.

Amadeo said...

I can identify with some of this having been in a group myself...my problem was we were just about all single and sistas would try friend-hopping. It made me feel unclean.

piranha said...

I love the part when Grace asks you whether you are disappointed that she is still alive. great. man, these are some crazy stories and I can only repeat myself in saying that you are one of those 'interesting' persons, at least in the bloggersphere...(remember your post bout that...)
anyways. you probably ARE an asshole, but one with a huge heart. i m sure there is more than one lady who loves that.
peace!
piranha

Butta said...

OMG, I can just imagine you acting the damn fool on stage thinking that Prince was in the building.

lindsay-lee said...

Man, you crack my ass up! You compared the cop to a sanitary napkin?! LMAO!!! I'm glad you got out of that one okay, cause I sure would miss reading you blogs!

ManNMotion said...

Good story with Grace, glad to hear you have a heart. Does this mean we can expect more posts from your sensitive side?

E_1979 said...

Rock and roll!. Dude that's awesome I wish I were in a band.. a Fuggit kurt cobain type take it or leave it pay me in boos kinda band.... But *sigh* anyway ...I will check you out on the regular definately some good stories good blogs. Black talking like that to cops? You'se a wild man you know that right..... It's always yes mr. officer with me....Metal braclets not my look these days

Herschel / Special*Dark said...

Hell yeah man. Promoters and club owners are THE WORST when it comes to money. It doesn't happen a lot, but when they try to stiff you... it's the worst feeling. I mean, YOU ALREADY DID THE WORK! Blah.. such is the life of being semi-famous.

Thanks for the comment! Welcome to my blog :)

~Spec

R said...

It is absurd how people that don't share the same views resort to lambasting your opinion as opposed to retorting coherently. Bush is bad news, if people would open their eyes and not take everything they hear at face value they would realize the harm he causes.

Keep on keepin on, enjoyed as always.

MikiFicki@the_yah said...

~ Another reason for me to dig 'Da Peppers'

~ Does your band have a CD that can be copped somehow, somewhere?

coley said...

Wassup HC... Glad to see you have a heart too! And ummm, I'm thinkin you should just stick to being you and tell the women up front what they are in for! And Dayum... talkin mad shit to that cop! I guess someone like you NEEDS to have a good lawyer! LOL! Glad you made it out of that situation alive, cause I'd REALLY miss you in the blog world.!

coley said...

OH and why did I get a visual of you actin a fool tryin' to impress Prince..... LMAO!!!

miyna said...

man, i have to say, i don't know why you fronted for that girl like that. i guess if it's one way to get you to 'play nice with others'... but she might have to actually get to know you sometime, so watch out.

i am, like, the only one who didn't know you were in a band, but somehow, i'm not surprised, you know? i can fully picture you (or what i imagine you look like) actin' up on stage trying to impress 'Prince'!

and i'm glad them good ol' boys didn't getcha. trying to picture the looks on random faces as they realize you haven't posted in days or weeks... not pretty.

Nick said...

Man you just a little bit crazy, I think. But that thing witht he girl happened to me too, well something like that.

And about the cops thing, my ass keeps quiet all the time, I remember the last time I was arrested, last summer, the cops thought I was connected or something, you know Jamaican mafia or some crazy shit like that. But I like my life and pretty face so i don't talk shit, until my lawyers get ther. Peace!!

Brother OMi said...

i don't believe you big homie

why?

1. a while back you did mention the name ofyour band as Dirty Sanchez. then it was changed, to what ?

2. i asked you to tell me when you guys would perform (actually you know the god only needs to know the name and i can do the rest from there, but refer to #1) and you haven't told me that.

whats going on , G? let me know...!

The Humanity Critic said...

Wow, I'm actually responding to my own blog, but here goes.

Brother OMi said...

1". a while back you did mention the name of your band as Dirty Sanchez. then it was changed, to what ?"

For a while it was El Presidente based on some hooker in mexico who kept calling me that. Recently we have changed it to "The HumanityCritic 5", or some other variation of another bandmembers name since we can't agree on a name.

"2. i asked you to tell me when you guys would perform (actually you know the god only needs to know the name and i can do the rest from there, but refer to #1) and you haven't told me that."

Since a couple of the gentlemen in my band don't even live in the same area that I do, we aren't your classic local band. Doing shows locally as a priority isn't the same for us because a few of us live in different states. When we do a show locally, I will tell you, but there are some shows on the west coast that you can definitely check out though.

"whats going on , G? let me know...!"

Hope that cleared it up, sorry for not being clear about the specifics earlier. The only time I fib on my blog is when I state that the intended piece is indeed ficticious. Take care brother..

wannabe_ceo said...

bro, you have some serious balls talking to popo like that. props.

kozmic_cocoa said...

...until a young couple came to our table and expressed "how full of shit" I was, and that I would get killed talking about Bush where they were from...

Dude, If I were your date, I'd look at you and say, "You take Jethro. I'll take Ellie Mae." For Real Tho'

Cynthia said...

HC has a heart afterall.

Chele said...

So....I am obviously wrong in thinking that the only folks who know Sweet Home Alabama is the band who sung it or anyone who wears a belt buckle bigger than a breadbox lol

awwwwwwwww @ the story about Grace. Nice touch. You sure can tell a story.

Anonymous said...

Critic, can you please dis the fuck out of the american ignorance towrads the rest of the world? I know it isn't nice to sterotype but damn you yanks dont know nothing about the rest of the globe brotha! Glorify world knowledge.

Frank León Roberts said...

DAM! This post, and especially this blog, is INTENSE.

Anonymous said...

Great post man, all your writing is exceptional.

I am Jack said...

The story about Prince is too funny, I can just imagine you acting up trying to impress him. plus, I believe you, no one can make up all that..lol

FantasyFootballGuru said...

All that for a girl?? That is very un-humanitycritic like!

shinjyo said...

Excellent writing, you hit it out the park EVERY DAY. Just plain good.

U-Liang said...

I have seen people suggesting that you should write a book. Why don't you?

Bec said...

What you did for Grace brought a tear to my eye.

JEW said...

Did you make out with the lead singer of the band that made the old dude give you your money?

I would have.

Brother OMi said...

thanx. i appreciate it..

we need to hang out anyway...

with Belle too. she needs it.

Brother OMi said...

PPS -- i wish i had a band... :(

Ron said...

You ain't right. But then, you knew that.

I hadn't realized before that you'd been a musician. That's cool. I'm a closet rapper. I won't even come out and grace the world with my "rhyme skills" but..it sure cracks me up.

Perhaps I need to lose 10 years and go on MTV's "Made"

Anyway..good stuff as usual.

introspectre said...

The story about Grace was sweet.