Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Turn off that MotherF#%cking Radio!

The other morning I had to meet people concerning a writing gig I was offered, the problem was that the car ride to meet these gentlemen would be over an hour long. I hopped in my car and headed toward my destination. As I was driving, eating a sandwich, and rifling through my CD's(yes I am a multi-tasker) I come to the realization that I haven't heard the radio in a while. I actually sat there, knowing that the radio is 95% bullshit, trying to decide if I should give the public airways a chance and listen for a while. "Fuck it", I figured as I pressed the radio button on my CD player.

I turned to the most popular urban station in the city and the first thing I hear is a morning radio show, with a DJ that I respect. I respect him because he has been at that station for a long time, and I know that he loves "Real" Hip Hop. About 4 minutes into the show a sudden rush of sadness hits me, not because Rosario Dawson never returns my love letters, but because I realize that a good DJ who loves Hip Hop at its purest form is forced to play the most mindless drivel imaginable. Frustrated, I turn the channel to a popular local 80's pop station. Me, being a child of the 80's, have no qualms in expressing the fact that I know songs by Culture Club, Flock of Seagulls, Wham!, and Duran Duran verbatim. Suddenly Billy Idol's "Rebel Yell" comes on and I barely mouth the words to myself. The next thing I know I am screaming the lyrics as I sat in traffic, looking over and seeing two 30-something aged sisters looking at me like I had lost my damn mind. Usually, when a near-by driver catches me doing something that most people would find embarrassing(i.e Singing, picking my nose), instead of stopping what I am doing I turn to them and do exactly what they "caught" me doing in their direction. I guess a dreadlocked man singing a mid-80's rock hit is scary to other African Americans, so they rolled up their windows and looked forward.

I flip through the channels some more and briefly listen to the new Mariah Carey song. As I listen to it something ironic about it slapped me in the face. Does anybody find irony in the fact that her love interest in her video, an actor named Wentworth Miller, played in a movie called "The Human Stain" where he went his entire life denying he was black, passing off as white?(He was the Anthony Hopkins character as a young man)Is it just me or am I overanalyzing as usual? As I am thinking about Mariah Carey and the post where I ficticiously "dated her", I attempt to change lanes and almost hit a motorist in a brand new Lexus. Knowing it was my fault I motion as to say, "My bad" but the guy gives me the finger and starts talking absolute shit. I ignore him at first until he yells something about "beating my ass", then I pull up beside him and say something embarrassingly masculine like "You aren't built like that homey, Shut your fucking mouth!"

Road rage issues aside, I reach down and turn the channel to another urban station, this one not as popular as the first one I tried. Apparently Missy Elliot has a new song out, not to hate but doesn't all her shit sound the same? I mean, I know she is from my same area and I am truly proud of her success, but it seems that she has the same formula each album.(Dance track, subpar rapping, old school sample) I turn back to another urban station, and for some reason I sit through two wildly unimaginative R&B songs. What happened to R&B? Back in the day you had real men like Otis Redding, Isaac Hayes, and Stevie Wonder belting out harmonious tunes to make women relieve themselves of any undergarments that they were wearing. Shit, even not so manly men like Prince and Rick James were acceptable because we all knew that they were going home with someone's girl after one of their concerts. Now, it is a bunch of whiny ass pretty boys talking about how they will "steal your girlfriend". I wish one of those newschool R&B clowns would approach my girl with that shit, my mouth would water like pavlov's dog right before I systematically beat the brakes off of them and snatch the gaudy ass jewelry off of their necks.

I am a few miles from my destination and I am frustrated for a few reasons. 1: I realize that I must be masochistic to listen to the radio knowing how much bullshit comes out of it. 2. Why won't Rosario return any of my letters? Do you think me sending her a lock of my hair was a bit much? 3. The men who I am meeting sure were kissing my ass over the phone. They claim they liked my blog and everything, but they sounded like car salesmen to me and that made me suddenly feel uncomfortable.

Driving around lost I let a few rap songs play without turning them off immediately, which makes piss poor navigation skills even a bigger burden. I suddenly get the bright idea to have t-shirts made up saying, "I don't give a fat baby's ass who Mike Jones is!!", I think that they would sell. I know that Hip Hop will never die, but could we just fake it's death and put her in a witness protection service so she could start over? I flip back and forth through the stations for the last time, and I finally figure out that most radio stations play the same 6 songs all day!! I'm not crazy, I swear, but I look down at my CD's and it was like they were speaking to me, saying, "You could have just played us man, and avoided all that foolishness." I start to answer them back, but my black ass has enough problems, I don't need to start talking to inanimate objects.

I reach the office of the two men who "like my writing so much" and I am greeted by their beautiful receptionist. At least I think she was beautiful, since my eyes were fixed on her cleavage that probably measured about a country mile. She went on and on about how she "liked my blog", and how "talented I am" so I thanked her for her kind words. I asked her, "Which post is your favorite?", then she gave me a blank stare and said "All of them!" Her ass didn't read my blog which just underlined the fact that these guys were trying to blow smoke up my ass. I was led into their office, and before they could get a word out I said, "Are you guys full of shit or what? I had to endure the horror of listening to the radio while driving in my car for an hour. Plus, you made your receptionist lie and say that she "liked my blog", you fuckers better be legit!" Nothing gets you more mad then when someone laughs at your impromptu rage. They said, "That is exactly the energy we want! We would love for you to write for us!"

For the next several moments I sat with them and talked about writing, my life, and other random topics. Things look good for my future writing venture, but if I make that long trek again you better believe that I will play nothing but CD's. Fuck the Radio!

50 comments:

SHIMINEGE said...

OK that has to be one of the best blogs I read this week..you haven't said anything but the truth! I hate the radio myself....I too have nothing but love ofr the old school lyrics...(I.E. Stevie Wonder, Curtis MAyfield, Billy Idol, Sting, The Police, Pink Floyd, Ojays, you name it!) I can't stand "new" music it has no substance no creativity, no imagination I mean damn what happened to describing sex as a Star Ship to take me home tonight...don't be late, or Turn off the lights...light a candle..I mean now it is ...I'm in the closet! Shit what the hell is happening to music! Sad..so very sad.....you gave it to the punks @ your interview I admire your honesty...I must try that one day! You seem like a Virgo to me...when is your birthday?
PS
I like your style of writting......

CaffeineDiva said...

Personally, if someone catches me in a musical moment in my car I like to smile & wave at them enthusiastically! No sense in hiding my craziness if I am enjoying myself.
I'm tired of the same five songs radio keeps playing, and Mariah is one of them. Good point about the actor in her video though, very observant of you.
Great post as damn usual.

Kevin B said...

"I guess a dreadlocked man singing a mid-80's rock hit is scary to other African Americans, so they rolled up their windows and looked forward."

OK, that's some funny shit.

Now, HC, I certainly agree with you that today's radio sucks. Best Hip Hop radio music I ever heard was on a Friday night on some station in Cincinnati, Ohio of all places, found it while cruising through on a road trip to Indianapolis along I-70. Blasted it at full volume for several hours, with the wind racing through open windows and sun roof, kept me awake during a long night of driving.

Now, HC, if you really want to expand your musical horizons as far to the "white" as you can go, you'll have to run out and pick up that new Paul Anka "Rock Swings" CD...guaranteed as a child of the 80s you'll know all the lyrics by heart for "be-bopping" along and scaring the homeys in the car next to you on your next road trip...even has some Billy Idol "Eyes Without a Face" in there, as well as Spandau Ballet and quite a few others!

Kevin B said...

Sorry, that station was in COLUMBUS, Ohio...

Maya's Brother said...

TIME WON'T GIVE ME TIME! AND TIME MAKES LOVERS FEEEEEEL LIKE THEY HAVE SOMETHIN REAL!!!!!

Yup-Yup.

**FIRE** said...

I was spotted dancing to the music at the department store I used to work at. I just went with it, there was no way to cover that. LOL Anyway . . . . Congrats on the writing venture.

Elizabeth said...

every generation music gets worse to the ones who came before (does that make sense?). I fear the day when I'll tell my children how good music was in my day, naming some of those "same 6 songs" to validate my point. You should come out with an album (I know u got them lyrical skills), cuz as far as new artists go, VH1 can't do much to "save the music"

melette said...

Congrats on the writing opportunity. Sorry about the radio.

Nikki said...

Ugh, I can't tell you how much I dislike urban radio. Nobody is original nowadays. And that Mike Jones cat must have short term memory or something because he keeps repeating his name over and over.

Amadeo said...

Don't you love generic ass-kissing? I myself can't stand the term "hot" 1)Cause Paris Hilton says it. 2)It sounds like something an agent from the 80's would say.

SP said...

Congrats on the writing thing. I hope it all works out. You’ll have to keep us updated.

The Human Stain? I’ll have to check it out. Is it anything like Imitation of Life?

muffin said...

lol @ nikki.

yeah mainstream radio sucks. i love my cds and mixtapes (yes i still call them mixtapes even though they're cds!)

Beana said...

Great post, HC (but of course you knew that already) And good luck with the writing thing. You have legions of underground fans, how do you not let it go to your head?

Yes the radio does suck, which is why I have my Ipod. All Beana music, all the time...

Beana

Jdid said...

i purposly avoid radio unless its like one of those college radio shows with underground hip hop and i know exactly when they come on so otherwise no radio

congrats on the writing gig. damn blogger is working for a brother lol

Luke Cage said...

I know that Hip Hop will never die, but could we just fake it's death and put her in a witness protection service so she could start over? - that was on time man. Radio is dead! D.E.A.D. CD's or Ipod like a mo'fo man! Good luck to you on your future writing gig man. Long overdue and we know a brother will do well.

Coffey0072 said...

Well,
it's like Nelly Furtado sang on her first album... "Shit On The Radio" which is why I haven't listened to the nonsense in four years.

lindsay-lee said...

If you make on of those t-shirts I will buy it!!! LMAO! I hate the radio myself. It gets to the point where you turn the station and hear the same damn song! I listen to the oldies station or my CD collection myself. Where is the old school R&B? The credibility of today's music has fallen hard.

teatime said...

HC you are so on point. I busted out in a shout when you said hip hop will never die but can we put her in a witness protection program so it can start over. GOTDAMN I felt that one!

I am Jack said...

That was on point man, the radio sucks ass!

FantasyFootballGuru said...

I just listen to satelite radio, it save you from any sort of violence.

kev fan said...

Good to see that pther peple hate mike jones besides me. Lets beat his ass up.

U-Liang said...

I am glad that people are seeing yur writing skills, lord knows that you are one of the best bloggers out. Do your thing!

Bec said...

Everyone at my office loves your writing and we all say that you have a wonderful gift. Share it with the world.

shinjyo said...

Another great post. Great way to break down the Mariah Carey video, dude you are perceptive.

MEP said...

Great post! Very true - I very rarely listen to the radio, and when I do I am listening to NPR for news, etc. Funny how Bush & Co. want to ruin NPR so that it can join the ranks of all the corporate radio stations that play crap.

Fury said...

Whaddup Critic - Who has time for radio when your someone like me who is too busy goin back in the past and discovering the good shit you should really write blog about your top 50 hip hop songs of all time, would be a great read and reference.

fury said...

Whaddup Critic - Who has time for radio when your someone like me who is too busy goin back in the past and discovering the good shit I missed out on when I was growing up? You should really write blog about your top 50 hip hop songs of all time, would be a great read and reference.

A Day (or Two) in the Life... said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog, took a link to see who it was, got to say I am with you on the radio thing (haven't listened in ages) and good luck with the writing gig!

Kathryn said...

HAHA! Mike Jones is the epitome of annoying. I was saying the exact same thing about Missy the other day to a friend of mine. Why does she produce so many good songs for other people while her own album is crap.

piranha said...

hey critic, not to be picky or anything, but this lock was definetly not a good idea. didn't anyone tell you that there are plenty of germs crawling inside your dreads? cut one off, send it to rosario who sounds as if she can't bear seeing a mouse not to speak of a spider - and you know what went wrong.

i m sure they kissed your ass. what about licking it.
:-P

Dayrell said...

Good luck with your writing. Yea, I feel you about the radio...that's why I have over 50 cds in my car. lol! And I think you should make and sell those Mike Jones shirts, hell, I'll buy one. lol!

mrblackromantic said...

I agree... I don't even bother with radio during primetime hours. If I listen to it at all it's for mix shows and bootleg music hours. I have my mix cds and just feed off of dis recrods.

Mad Bull said...

Great re the writing thing! By the way, I find plenty of stuff I like on the radio... Not knocking you still, but I'm just saying...

Rome said...

92.1 the Beat was the best station the 757, and the east coast as a whole, ever had. It made the long, boring nights in Hampton much easier to deal with. 103 Jamz and the other station are cool, and NSUs station hits when it wants, but man I miss 92.1 the beat.

Shesawriter said...

Humanity Critic,

Thanks for stopping by my blog today. I read your entry here and it was hilarious. Personally, I don't listen to the radio anymore because it's filled with crap. Everyone sounds the same. Like whining.

I listen to CD's mostly. When I'm writing, I like Rachmaninoff. When I'm driving, it's a mishmash of Pop, Soft rock, R&B, Classical, Old School and yes, the dreaded disco. :-)

Tanya

ManNMotion said...

Man, that was too true about witness protection cause the real hip hop is in hiding and we have...Lil John and Ludacris?? Good luck with the gig.

gonebabygone said...

It'd be cool as shit if you got to write for a living. That's a dream come true. Funny, I got laughed at this morning by a bunch of teenagers for listening to rage against the machine in my 4-dorr sedan with a business suit on. Fuck em. It gave me a good excuse to flip them off while driving.

Anonymous said...

i'm not at all concerned about your avoidance of the radio (however, i do understand)-you have an excellent writing style. good luck with your work.

obifromsouthlondon said...

like dead prez say:

"Turn off the radio!! Turn off that bullshit"

1

Coffey0072 said...

I sure wish (or perhaps not) I knew who Mike Jones is.
Judging from the comments on here, I guess it doesn't matter, huh?

Brother OMi said...

"I know that Hip Hop will never die, but could we just fake it's death and put her in a witness protection service so she could start over? "

that line will be stolen...

man that's all it takes to get a writing gig? i spent 12 years freelancing and JUST got paid for it?

i am kicking your ass! lol

Brother OMi said...

oh yeah, the radio sucks dude, i could have told you that.

mai said...

okay, then, i'm glad you're getting your 'publish' on. 'bout time, but then i guess we have to see what happens still, right? we'll all be either crossing our fingers or praying for a brutha...

but anyway, man, listen, i can't remember the last time i turned on the radio. the only thing i listen to (because my mother plays it in the car when we ride somewhere) is one of our local stations, WILD 1090AM - the Boston affiliate for (dramatic pause)...

The Tom Joyner Morning Show

'cause they're straight crazy, but they play some good music, and when they're done, all the classic soul comes on, and there's nothing like it in this world, or any other.

The Princess Herself said...

I only listen to the radio at work. I listen to a "lite" station as not to offend my co-workers, and they always give me strange looks as they pass by and I am singing along. (I guess they just don't peg me as a lite-radio listener-LOL!) But when I get in the car, it's a different story.
LOL @ Aruh Kelly in the closet.

Chele said...

I blog hop a lot but I don't read anyone's blog consistently except those of my close friends. However it matters not when I come here and where I jump in.... I am never dissapointed. I love your style. You don't have to be crass or constantly put other people down to get a laugh or to take a stance on something. Your blog is one of my favorites. I appreciate how you roll.

**RPM** said...

I know that Hip Hop will never die, but could we just fake it's death and put her in a witness protection service so she could start over?

I know it's been referenced in earlier posts...just JESUS H. CHRIST. That was literary perfection in a blog.

**RPM**

introspectre said...

"Usually, when a near-by driver catches me doing something that most people would find embarrassing(i.e Singing, picking my nose), instead of stopping what I am doing I turn to them and do exactly what they "caught" me doing in their direction."

Personally, I love pulling up next to the young white wanna-be-gansta boys and blaring Weird Al. Looking all serious and hot till they get up close enough to realize I'm crooning along to a polka and I've probably recently escaped and haven't taken my medicine. Ah, good times, good times.

BronxGrlnVA said...

I agree with you.I live in Hampton Roads and the radio stations here are bullshit and play the same songs all damn day.

I would pay top dollar for that Mike Jones T shirt, hilarious.

Astro said...

Man, I hate the radio with a passion. I hate driving with my wife because she don't have a damn clue about music. I always ride with a CD in the whip. If I absolutely have to listen to radio, its the old school station. But that is very rare. I got thousands of CDs kid. Radio fuckin sucks!

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