Wednesday, July 12, 2006

A Very long post about a poem I don't want to recite..

Do you know what is more offensive than Lil Kim being on someones "Top 10 MC" list, a Tyler Perry play, or a girl who doesn't reciprocate after you visit that war zone she calls a vagina?? Nothing is more offensive then when a friend does something to tip you off that they don't really know you at all. For example, my friend Kenny had the nerve to pop a "Diplomats" mix-tape CD(Cam'rom, Jim Jones) into my car stereo and say with childlike exuberance, "HumanityCritic, you are going to love this!!" Even though every day I curse the very men, who impregnated the women, who gave birth to those sub par pedestrian wordsmiths that are the "Dipset", but I sat there regardless for a few moments and tried to be objective. But as soon as I heard Cam'ron say that his crew was the "06' Public Enemy", I stopped my car in the middle of traffic, yanked the CD out of my car stereo, hopped out of my car and threw it for distance like it was an Olympic fucking event. Granted, my friend was mad, and I didn't make matters any better when I said, "How much do I owe you?? Fuck it, here is 75 cents, keep the change and don't spend it all in the same place scooter!!"(Hey, he knew me better than that!!)

Then we have my friend Richard, a business executive who always has to bullshit stuffy rich fucks so he could get their particular account. Anyway, ever since I went with him to one of his dinners and made his dinner guest laugh so much that Richard eventually got that account, he has taken me along with him to "close the deal" so to speak. Since we are friends I really don't want anything in return, ok that's a lie, Richard has the undoubious task of paying for my drinks until I die and sliding me about 4 bills per acount. Anyway, a couple of months ago I went with him to this fancy-smancy restaurant in hopes of possibly charming the pants off of some geriactric fucks so they will line my boy's pockets, and in turn mine, with some good old fashioned greenbacks. For the first hour and change things were going well, the men that were hopefully going to be my friend's clients were laughing at all my potty mouth jokes, once again I had hit a proverbial home run once again. That as until the topic of "Janeane Garofalo" came up, and how she should "shut her filthy mouth and stop bad mouthing our president". Usually a sentence that I would have "open hand smacked" somebody in the mouth for, but after a few moments the conversation changed and we were on to sports. Then, in a move that shocked me like a clean pap smear from LIl Kim, my boy proved that he didn't know me at all and decided to revisit the smear-fest on Ms. Garofalo.

Some background on HumanityCritic's feeling on Janeane: I don't know what it is, but something about white ultra liberal acting chicks who piss republicans off that just gets me all warm inside. Listen, I've never dated a white chick, not because of the color of skin but because the opportunity never presented itself to me. But lets make one thing certain, my love for Ms. Garofalo is unparalleled, I don't care how many people get pissed off, if my black sisters get annoyed that I chose a woman with a lack of melanin, if I get more strange looks than Star Jones in a string bikini. I don't give a fuck. If sweet Janeane was mine I would chill with her at the B.E.T awards, take her to meet Minister Farrakhan while eating some greasy pork chops, urge black leaders that Ms. Garofalo would be an excellent choice to head up the N.A.A.C.P, even make her wear a headwrap and a dashiki at a "Roots" show. Yes, its' deep like that..


So, you can only imagine the venom I spewed while defending my favorite Indie actress, so much venom in fact that my boy never got that account and we haven't spoken much since.(Hey, he knew me better than that!!) I went through that lengthy entry because a woman that I went to college with, based on the fact that she sometimes reads my blog, wants me to do a piece at her spoken word poetry club in the upcoming weeks. The problem with that is that I have told her my feelings on spoken word poetry, I respect the real poets, but I hate the fake atmosphere consisting of a million posers and fakers.(Kind of like I believe in God, but hate church.) Not only that but I have repeated my feelings toward poetry about a million fucking times on this blog, a blog that she claims that she reads "regularly", so it is just another case of a good friend who really doesn't know me. That being said, the following is a poem that I plan to perform at my friends poetry shin-dig. Of course it's foul, rude, HumanityCritic-esque, but she should have known better than to ask me to perform a damn poem. Granted, if she reads this entry (which she should if she REALLY reads my blog) I won't perform this particular piece if she doesn't want me to. Here goes.


(I imagine me walking up to the microphone cautiously, looking nervous as hell. I'll grab the mic with my hand shaking slightly and begin my poem..)

HumanityCritic: "My name is HumanityCritic, and I fucking hate poets..."

It's always the same thing, incense, dreadlocks, and the possible dashiki/
The girl that gave that "female empowerment" poem used to get freaky with me weekly/
They used to call her "Little Oral Annie" for the tricks she used to do/
She's a "phenomenal woman" alright, but not exactly Maya Angelou/
The other guys here will lie, say things that they want you to believe/
I'm humanitycritic baby, I'll tell you up front that I want you to fuck and then to leave/
While dudes have poems about cuddling, snuggling, and positive child rearing/
I have poems about fighting and ejaculating while beating my chest like Bobby Mcferrin/
While the other dudes promote positivity, hope, and your garden variety fables/
Don't you want a guy to not satisfy you sexually, afterwards saying "Sugar-tits, your money's on the table!!"/
I'll hit on your best friend, possibly beat up your little brother/
I want you to really mean it when you call me a "motherfucker"/
I might even beat the shit out of your dad for giving me bad stock tips/
I'll even go through his elderly pockets to make sure he ain't got shit/
At least you know what you're getting, a drunk bastard who really likes boobies/
Not your stereotypical male poet, looking like an extra from that "Love Jones" movie/


If she doesn't read this poem in time, I will indeed recite it a week from tonight..

35 comments:

Another Conflict Theorist said...

Aaaaah, see, I think you fucked up. I don't think these pretentious, pseudo-revolutionary poetic types want the poem to rhyme. Somehow rhyming, to them, represents creative oppression of some sort.

BTW, The Boondocks (cartoon version) did a hilarious send up of the black "neo-soul" (whatever the fuck THAT'S supposed to mean) poet:

'Death kills us like crack killed Pookie/Like Schwarzenegger killed Tookie/Chewbacca was a wookie. REVOLUTION!'

BZ said...

"Then, in a move that shocked me like a clean pap smear from LIl Kim,..." LMMFAO! Best line in the whole post (including the poem). I'm with you on the music tip. I mean, I ain gonna lie and say I don't listen to that sh*t at the gym to get my workout on. But, exercising doesn't exactly require anything more than the "see spot run" type lyrics.

GG said...

I triple-dog dare you! LMAO

Dono819 said...

The Bobby Mcferrin reference was strange and please tell me that you'll end the poem by saying REVOLUTION!

Amadeo said...

You brought a tear to my eye man...and the funny thing is I could imagine you reading it some girl trying to get with you, you living out the poem and then her getting mad.

Elizabeth said...

I think it is a good poem.

njoke said...

HC

I have been reading your blog for months and think its awesome. If you did not persist in reminding us all of your sexual inadequacies I might have professed my undyling love ages ago. But this poem is the limit! You are a genius! Though I have to agree with Conflict Theorist...true coffee shop poetry has not had a discernible rhyming scheme since the late 90's. If you do end up reciting this poem please please please have a friend videotape the audience reaction and post it here on your site.

thanks
njoke

niya said...

and you should write a blog about what happened when you read this poem

Girlfriend A said...

HC hits us again! I love you maan. OMG I too have thrown a diplomats cd out of the car NO LIE! matter of fact it was raining that day and it landed in a puddle of water! That should have given them some kind of flow! HEE HEE

obifromsouthlondon said...

i wasn't going to, but i ... ah fuck it

dipset!dipset!dipset!dipset!

there, off my chest

I hate em to. coffee shop chicks (dirty minds)

Belve said...

I was gonna let it go till obi chimed in ...can't hold back now... Dipset!Dipset!Dipset!Dipset!Dipset!Dipset!

even though they shouldn't be allowed to ever spit a verse, Im all about the music.

As to the poem.. I bet your last 3 checks you will get at least hit on constantly if you say that peice.. You will be hailed as "Visionary" and "Heroic"

Bk_red said...

great poem. and as far as i'm concerned, i'm sure you and ms. garofolo would make a lovely couple. you should see some of the nasty looks i get when my red-headed irish-american ass is hanging out with one of my black male friends. it's funny really, since nobody knows the exact nature of our relationship. why do people wanna hate so much?

chele said...

snap snap snap snap snap

Poets beware!

Breez said...

"The war zone she calls a vagina"! HA!!! Too funny.

"Salami, eggs and bacon."

Luke Cage said...

Yo Humanity, I wasn't sure if you mentioned it during the post.. but do you like Janeane Garafalo??? Love the frisbee toss of the Dipset disc mannn.. hope you didn't hit somebody with all of that b.s. Man, those cats didn't really refer to themselves as the '06 Public Enemy, did they?

G. Cornelius Harris said...

Now that was deep! ROFLMAO! Do it! Man tell me where you are at...I will fly there! Just tape it and put it on youtube or something...I'll keep you posted

Me said...

LMAO, I despise you for this post for two reasons.

1. War zone called a vagina.
2. I'm a poet, bastard.

Anonymous said...

Ever since I saw that dumbass Jim punkass wigwearing bitch jones in that punk ass certified gangsta video. I have a open agreement with god that if we are in the same room, I am allowed by law to grill his ass.

marypoppins said...

A while ago a friend sent me an email saying I should read your BLOG, it took me a while to get around to it, but, I am so happy I did!! Finally someone who is not afraid to speak their mind!! Your page is like a good book...hard to put down. I can't say Thank You enough!!!!!

glory said...

HC, I miss having the time to read all my favorite blogs, this being one of them. Thanx for stopping through.

Now then, do me a favor. Don't forget this poem. 'Cause the next time you are in the Philly area, you are required to bring it with you and read it at my poetry venue. Oh - and I'm not playing. Give a sista the heads up.

Miz JJ said...

Please read that poem at her spoken word night.

Tif said...

I hate poetry/poets and that's what I do for a living. Don't tell my folks. You're in VA give Queen Sheba, Humzaa and 'nem a shout for me.

Dr. Strangejazz said...

Next time you should include throat chops.

Tenda_cris said...

Wow...

T. Cas said...

Do that shit, yo!!! That would be the funniest thing ever. Dipset - the 06 Public Enemy? I think I would have had the exact same reaction. This post had me dying laughing.

Sankofa said...

As Critic always calls me...I am Coffee.

Coffee: (adj.) tending to regularly visit coffeehouse poetry readings while wearing a head scarf and/or cowrie shells...

But in defense of the sincere coffeeheads...that poem would be a hit! Because a TRUE coffeehead can laugh at him/herself and hates posers!!!

Critic -- I did a poem about a year ago that exposed my occasional desire to be with a "thug" in all his stereotypical glory...cuz sometimes I don't want you to make love to my mind...sometimes I just need to get fucked...ya dig?

Love your coffee-baby...Sankofa

911 said...

Turn all the post into a book. If you recite that I second whomever that was that said have it recorded. Youtube classic material. Has the chick contacted you, I bet she doesn't read your blog.

Jules said...

Spoken word is kind of... hmmm... the suck.

And that poem will get a lot of love from the group you will recite it to.

jameil1922 said...

they would love that shit. do it. and i was lmao@ your heartfelt recitation of your love of janeane. "even make her wear a headwrap and a dashiki at a "Roots" show." whaaaaaaat??? HILARIOUS!! good luck w/that. i'm tryna figure out what i'm wearing to that concert tomorrow. cowrie shells, an african cloth tied around my head, a shirt that says don't fuck w/me i'm black, a jean mini skirt and jesus sandals. no?

Jdid said...

i've got friends who still ask why i dont perform poetry anymore. yea I got some stuff that might be good but I cant stand the mindstate or the offerings of other poets. they may have some performing talent but could i actually read your work and think something other than this is crap. do they have original thoughts or just go with whatever the current dhashiki wearing incense using collective is thinking. damn so called poets.

Deirdre said...

Okay I feel like I haven't posted here in like forever....Now about Ms. Garofalo, I love her too, although I don't think I would date her:) Long Post, Great Post...I always say:)

LovelyMonAmi said...

Dude, you are such a fucking tool! But I love it!

Why did you have to fuck both your and your boy's money.... come on now!

The dipset CD, you HAD to do it! LMAO!

The poem... do it! Read that shit and watch their jaws drop!

Bruce said...

the poem is disturbing

Blah Blah Blah said...

i don't know you...but i know you better than that! lol

tamara said...

It's like you were channeling Maya Angelou or some shit. love it!!