Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Ask HumanityCritic

Over the past year and change I have done this very segment entitled "Ask HumanityCritic" where I post the answers to some of the questions posed to me in some emails I receive. I hoped that my openness, my candid nature, my truthfulness would lead me to a path of Internet ass so impressive that Bill Gates himself would nod in approval. But to no avail, no ass, just some comments of the "hey you are a funny guy and I'd fuck you if the price was right and you were the last motherfucker on earth" variety, but no ass. Oh well, on to the questions..

Humanity Critic, do any of your Ex's read your bog??

A few do, I mean, the ones that aren't currently poking holes in a dread-locked voodoo doll, hoping that I meet the worst of fates. (Seriously, I had an ex who claimed that she was into voodoo and told me that she would make sure that my dick turned blue. You can imagine her frustration when I casually said, "That's OK, I'll just tell people that I've been butt-fucking a smurf. Problem solved.) But for the most part the few exes that still read this daily drivel don't have an issue with that I write, except an ex who took offense to the fact that I said that she left me for a bum.(Sorry, he was a fucking bum)

You haven't talked about Kobe lately.. I was wondering, what do you think is the biggest misconception concerning your favorite ball player?

The biggest misconception I feel is that Kobe "owed" Shaq any loyalty at all. I mean, Shaq openly bitched, publicly ridiculed, and tried to go to management on numerous occasions and have Kobe traded for years. Kobe didn't owe Shaq anything, shit, my ass would have told police Shaq's social security number along with a slew of names of women he slept with like my ass was giving a list of communists to Joseph McCarthy. I'm sorry, but there is no "guy code" if the other party wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire.

Right now I'm single but I have what some call "a friend with benefits". What are your feelings on FWB by the way?

"FWB" always seems like a great concept, "Wait, I can fuck you without having to take your mangy ass anywhere, slip some loving your way without a million questions, I can promote my anti-snuggle agenda?? Where do I sign up??!!" But trust me, after about 5-10 late-night visits where you try to, for lack of a better phrase "knock the stuffin' out of that Egg McMuffin", things begin to go bad like Lil Kim pap smear results. Soon she will be asking about your whereabouts, wanting to do chill with you during "non sex" hours, giving you lofty demands like "You better not be fucking anyone else", but there is one sign where you know that you FWB experience is coming to an end though. That point is post coitus, when she turns to you and says, "Hey, we have to talk!!" Those my friend are the worst 5 words ever, outside of "HumanityCritic, I think I'm pregnant!", "You gave me a disease", and "I'm a Young Jeezy fan."

I used to think your blog was a bunch of stories until I met someone who knows you. I was wondering, how in the fuck have you escaped serious jail time?

Basically I am the human embodiment of that term about God watching over fools and babies, the fool part, even though I'm all for being breast fed. I have had the cuffs slapped on me on a few occasions, even spent a night or two in city jail, but I've never been in "pound me in the ass" prison.("Office Space" reference) I'm glad too because I have a fat ass and long hair, not saying that I wouldn't fight desperately from being someones bitch, but I'm sure my readership would dip to all time lows if people ever found out that I followed an inmate around named "Tiny" while holding his pocket signifying ownership.

You seem to have a very gay friendly blog, what are your beliefs on homosexuality?

To be honest, and gay people are going to be upset with me that I am trivializing their plight, but my acceptance comes from me just not giving a fuck when it comes to how other people live their lives. Gay marriage, homosexuals, lesbians, I will fight along side them because I feel that they shouldn't be discriminated against, but also because I basically think that if something doesn't fucking involve you personally then why should you be against it. Basic, I know, but I am a simple, simple man.

Some people have attacked your usage of the phrase "Real Hip Hop", what are your thoughts on that?

My thoughts are that those people who are against me using that can eat a dick..Next Question!!

OK, OK, I'll elaborate. Real Hip Hop is that shit you will be playing 20 years from now, it's that feeling that the author put his blood, sweat, and tears into his verse, it is that intoxicating beat that makes you nod your head faster than Crackhead blow jobs. "The Bridge is over", "Paid in Full", the D.O.C's "It's Funky Enough", are tunes that I will play while my grand-kids are playing in my front yard. If people are against my usage of what's real or not, ask yourself this question: Can you see yourself playing Lil John, Young Joc or Jeezy, or the Dipset when you are in your 70's?? Didn't think so...

How do you feel about T.I?

When it comes to my tastes in Hip Hop I have three categories.. 1)Dope 2)Wack and 3)Artists that I'm not mad at.. See, even though I probably will never purchase anything with T.I's recorded voice on it, I'm not mad at the man either. This how I see it, if I feel that you love the artform, take pride in what you do, and you don't treat your audience like complete fucking children then I'll give you love. T.I falls in that category.

HumanityCritic, a friend of mine has given me the green light to date his ex-girlfriend. Should I take it?

Don't do it, take it from a man who is an authority on the subject. For example, an ex girlfriend of one of my friends had shown some interest in my chubbiness, so when I approached my boy with it he gave his blessing. I mean, that's all he talked about, how "great" me and her would be together, how I would be better for her than he was, a litany of shit that would give a guy the impression that he was cool with it. Well, a couple of weeks and 6 sexual encounters with his ex later I found out he wasn't cool with it, he was talking shit about me to my other friends, calling her at odd hours, asking me "So, how are my leftover motherfucker??" I tried to take the high road, break it off with the chick to salvage our friendship but he was an insufferable prick regardless. That's when I started doing silly shit like going up to my friend and putting my fingers under his nose, saying "You remember that smell don't you??" Suffice it to say we are no longer pals.

If you could beat someone up for being wack, actor, rapper, whoever.. Who would it be?

Lets see.. Nick Cannon, the dude just bugs me.. Lil Wayne, for the amount of people who actual give this frog looking no talent love. Rush Limbaugh, not for his miserable political beliefs either, I'd just want to go through his pockets for some street grade Oxycontin and get baked!!

What is your favorite album of all time??

Even though the guy isn't even a shell of his old self nowadays, but I'd have to say Ice Cube's "Death Certificate". It was a dope album that addressed poverty, the health care system, gun control, gang violence, racism, the military preying on poor black men, STD's.. Jesus man, you can't get any better than that can you??

I saw "Beat Street" the other night on cable, what do you think about that movie?

Even though the Hip Hop purists probably loathe this movie, I loved it because I'm from Virginia. Let me explain: Being from VA I never had one of those "..and then the DJ plugged his equipment to the light pole at the block party" stories, so any piece of the culture that was thrown my way I was more than willing to gobble up. Also, since I'm an asshole I have used a few lines in the movie in my every day life since then. If a friend of mine was getting beat up, or laying on the ground after taking a beating, I would scream "RAMO!!!!!!!"

I see its time for the BlackWeblogAwards, are you throwing your hat into the ring again?

I don't think so, I mean, there was so much amount of hate concerning my win last time. Thinly veiled disses from other bloggers, nasty emails, people taking me off their blog rolls because of it, I pissed so many people off that maybe it's time that I just bow out gracefully because no one wants to see me win..

You're kidding right??

Of course I am! Man, do you really think I give a slippery fuck what people think about me. I've called someones grandmother "an old whore", put my undersized penis inside a woman during a wake, told a nun she had a "nice ass" once, and let some skinny ass stripper at a bachelor party know that she didn't have enough meat on their bones so I put a sandwich in front of her instead of dollar. I'm down to piss other bloggers off again. (Climbing on my soapbox, looking quite presidential) I'm officially throwing my hat in the ring for the BlackWebogAwards for a second time!!!!


Sankofa said...

LOL...there are questions and then there's advice. Are y'all really asking HC for advice??? Lord help us all.

Of course, HC my dear, you have my vote. In fact, just to piss off a few folks, I voted for u in every single category...but just in case they woud throw out my ballot faster than a a pregnant chad, I voted again, for the categories you actually quality for using a different e-mail address...MWAH!

Bk_red said...

GODDAMN... i mean... i know i've said this several times, but you are crazy as hell!

"an ex girlfriend of one of my friends had shown some interest in my chubbiness.." you're killing me. how much funnier could you be?

i'm with you on t.i. - definitely don't love him but don't hate him either. and as for homosexuals, how does it affect you (the average citizen, that is)? that's why i don't understand why people hate on interracial couples. if it doesn't hurt YOU, why do you give a fuck?! live your life, damnit!

jameil1922 said...

followed an inmate around named "Tiny" while holding his pocket... stop it. hilarious!

Otis said...

"...followed an inmate around named "Tiny" while holding his pocket signifying ownership."

Mr. Humanity Critic, wasn't this the love scene from Scared Straight?

Amadeo said...

You got my vote.

And the FWB situation never works, I learned that for myself before I saw that Seinfeld episode, "Why can we take THIS, and put it with THAT?" I've told girls from jump..."You will not be my girlfriend" in the end I guess they thought they could change my mind...wrong.

RD said...

I'm new to the blogging world, but I see you definitely have set a standard lol. Entertaining post.


Inside Man said...

Brilliant man....

I remember you commenting on the quality of records Rick Rubin ("White Yoda")has produced and his taste in great music. How do you feel about him endorsing Lil John so profoundly?

spchrist said...

lol @ FWB answer. That my friend is the absolute truth of a definition.

I am Jack said...

Funny as hell man!!. By the way, your blog beats the shit out of everyone elses who I notice is trying to get an award this year. You have my vote for god-damned sure.

Sarah said...

I can't hate on T.I either. Matter of fact I agree with all of your points. All the women at my office read your blog, all 40 of them and we are all voting for you.

Detroit_Red said...

You and your man-love for Kobe Bryant!! LOL It's cool though. I'm voting for you too.

Tracy said...

You have issues. You are insame, crazy, and need a mental health prodfeesional ASAP. You are also the best blogger on the web.

gwen said...

I've only been a lurker for some time but I just wanted to say that I'm voting for you as well.

Alex said...

If you ever do go to Federal Pound-You-In-The-Ass Prison, just never whipe.