Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Things that I have done to make a woman break up with me..

(I'm certain that this post will drop my female readership by at least 50%, but here goes) Besides an occasional throat-chop here and there to your garden variety Uncle Tom black republican, or a random profanity laced tirade in the direction of a member of the clergy, I have matured leaps and bounds since those carefree days of my early 20's. For one thing I don't pay for sex anymore which is a good thing, but the downside to that are all the lonely Saturday nights and I miss going to the clinic each week feeling like "Norm" from "Cheers" and shit.(Patients and nurses at the STD Clinic: "HUMANITYCRITIC!!!") I also don't fuck midgets anymore, not saying that normal sized men can't have relations with vertically challenged women, it's just that I now see that making them wear orange wigs and sing the "Umpa-Lumpa" song while having sex can be a tad bit demeaning. But the one area of my life that I'm glad that I have matured is in my ability to be honest with a woman, and break it off like a man if things aren't particularly going as planned.

It sounds silly, I guess cowardice would be a more accurate description, but for the longest time I had a problem breaking up with women because I didn't want to be the "bad guy".(Which is pretty ironic because I usually was the bad guy, you know, fucking the sisters, college room mates, even aunts of woman that I called my "girlfriend" at the time.) Yes, I was a steaming pile of excrement, but worse than my philandering ways were the elaborate schemes I would concoct for a chick to break up with me just so I could escape the relationship guilt free. Looking back I see that I could have just saved a lot of time and energy if I was just honest with those women, told them that I wasn't happy and gave them their walking papers. But don't worry ladies, the 2006 version of HumanityCritic is nothing like he was back in his early 20's. I stand before you, actually sit before you typing this on a computer so full of porn that Larry fucking Flint would shake his head in disapproval, as a grown man that is willing to break it off with a woman in an honest and orderly fashion.(Granted, I usually do it right after sex, but that's semantics if you ask me.) I'm not proud of this, but here are a few schemes that I came up with so women would break up with me.

HumanityCritic the Bed-wetter: One of the ways I got a girl to break up with me was to make her believe that I was a bed wetter. I didn't actually urinate in the bed, but I made sure to pour a cold glass of water around our sleeping area as liberally as possible. The first time I did it I almost woke her up based on my loud school-girl giggles, just imagining her disgust when she rose in the morning to find herself in what she believed to be HumanityCritic's urine. Let me tell you, it worked like gangbusters, being awakened to her hitting me on the back screaming "Motherfucker, you pissed the bed!!!! YOU PISSED THE MOTHERFUCKING BED!!!!!" I should have won a fucking Oscar that morning as I acted all innocent, saying "Baby, it was an accident.. Why are you being like this?? Hey, how are you going t let a little urine get between us??" I still remember her slamming her sheets into her washing, muttering the words "How you gonna piss my bed, dirty son of a bitch!!" under her breath. Granted, we stayed together a few weeks after that, but after a few "pissy" sheets later I could see in her eyes that the novelty of Humanity F Critic had worn off significantly, I guess being doused with what you believe to be piss can do that to a girl. The downside to that is her telling anyone that would listen that I was a bed-wetter, which meant that no woman in the entire state of Virginia would come within a square mile of me, let alone touch my dick. Those few that would let me see them naked ordered me out of their house before sunrise.

I knocked out a woman's father: Some years ago I dated a woman who's father was a professional boxer at one time, around the depresion as far as I know. A decent enough older fellow, but every time I would see him he would get in my face on some "I bet I can beat your young ass!!" shit. For a guy like myself who thinks that anyone is eligible for an ass-whipping, I kept my cool and laughed off the old fucks challenge because I didn't want to endanger the relationship that I had with his daughter. I swear, this old man was a one trick pony, because every time I saw him he would challenge me to a fight and test my man-hood, and every time I would laugh him off and walk away. That was until my then girlfriend started becoming a bona fide psycho, accusing me of cheating, getting women's phone numbers, being on the business end of a mouth hug, all things I was indeed guilty of but she had no way of knowing that!! Since she was making me as uncomfortable as Lil Kim in a nun's uniform, I had to get out of that relationship as soon as possible, and that opportunity presented itself when her father challenged me to a fight for the last time at one of her family gatherings. He came up to me, put his hands up and said, "HumanityCritic, I bet I could still kick your ass..." *Pow* Before he could even finish his geriactric sentence I laced him with an uppercut which caused his false teeth to go flying and him to fall out in the fetal position. While he was down, only because it was a reflex and not because he was an old man, I kicked him in the stomach for good measure. Everyone came to his aid, his wife and my then girlfriend were screaming at me "What did you do??!!", some of his teenage nephews attempted to defend his honor but then thought otherwise after I tapped them with a few well placed jabs, the whole fucking family reunion was in utter chaos.

Suffice it to say she broke up with me right there, all I remember is me walking off saying "You think I give a fuck if he is 65 or not??!!"

Made her wonder if I was gay or not: This one girlfriend, because of the fact that she was a soulless harlot that I'm certain came from the depths of hell, I made believe that there was a possibility that I was gay. I know, I should have just told her the truth and dropped her ass like a one armed wide receiver, but the premise of what I was about to do was just too funny and I'm a fan of keeping myself entertained. The first thing I did was state in a perfectly clear fashion as many times as possible to say that "homosexuals shouldn't be discriminated against" and that "homophobia has to stop", sentiments that I believe by the way but I said it so many times that even a gay person would raise his eyebrows based on my overly passionate stance concerning gay rights. Before sex I would act like I was joking and say, "Hey, wouldn't it be interesting if you put this fake mustache on and I called you "Gary"??" I guess the last straw was after a night of passion, me thrusting like a retarded rabbit, and me yelling out my imaginary jail number mid-climax: "Oh Shit.. Inmate:223XRGY678!!" Yeah, me and her weren't together much longer than that, and again women wouldn't come within miles of me for a while after that.


miyna said...

LOL - Inmate:223XRGY678 - you're a damn mess! but uh... maybe left the old man alone, though. poor guy.

Brandywine said...

This is hilarious! At least you got some entertainment out of it. Shit, at least you did that much. Most people just pull the 'ol no explanation cut off. At least you left them with some sense of dignity by forcing them to break it off with you.

Miz JJ said...

Sometimes I read your posts and I am amazed that you've ever had a woman. You must be nice to them in beginning...right?

Amadeo said...

Damn, you came a lot harder than me...I would just stop talking and go out with my friends until they just left me.

Nina MM said...

Men overthink shit. Make her think you pee in the bed? See...I'm too fabulous to ever want somebody to think I'm a Peebody. I'd have to take the fall and just be an asshole and give 'em the "I break up with you" talk.

Chubby Chocolate said...

What the?
Great googly-moogly!
errrr ummm, yeah.

I would pay all the money I have, sell my house, car and soul to see the look on these females faces in mid dis.

G. Cornelius Harris said...

ROFLMAO!!! I know you made half this stuff up right? (blank look on face)

I'll keep you posted

Anonymous said...

Yeah, my favourite was the 'he done lost his mind' act which would include one or a combination of these:

- suddenly cocking head away from her and whispering jibberish ''I hear you''/ ''don't go away''/ 'Te he he, you do funny, I wish everyone could see you''

- random acts of violence on perfect strangers with no provocation

- Walking down the street together, breaking off to jump up and down on dog shit, then walking on as if nothing happened

Luke Cage said...

Dawg, not one woman will come within a square mile of you in the "ENTIRE" state of Virginia now? Geeez! Now that's what you call someone staying away.

jali said...

Funny as hell, but it's so sad that you can even imagine these scenerios.

I wouldn't want to be "pee-pee" Jali. Wait till you run into her again casually, and she checks your crotch for stains before she speaks.

KHALLI 88 said...

I would comment but too busy copying this for future use :)

One who tries said...

Funniest thing I've read all day.

I just discovered your blog this morning and I feel an addiction starting.

You're hilarious.

One who tries said...

Funniest thing I've read all day.

I just discovered your blog this morning and I feel an addiction starting.

You're hilarious.