What?? Did you think that the title of this post was just a tool to get your attention, like a girl with big tits who you find yourself talking to for hours even though her scope of conversation ranges from her love for Mo'Nique and how she got pregnant at a Lil Wayne concert once, those dirty pillows keeping you salivating like Pavlov's dog as you endure dialogue worse than a Tyler Perry movie. No I mean it, I don't want to be black anymore, so if I have to hand in a racial badge, fill out paperwork, hold a press conference, buy a Pat Boone record, have a shrine to Clarence Thomas, whatever I can do to make the process of not being black anymore complete I'll do it. Let me clarify before all the women who find chubby black pre-ejaculators sexy suddenly decide that I'm not fuckable anymore, I don't want to be black anymore based on what people feel "being black" is nowadays, that's all. I mean, what is being black anyways? Listen, maybe I'm just an unmarried 32 year old dude with simple tastes in life like eating Mac and cheese off of a slipper's ass-crack and fucking women to Public Enemy records as SHE recites Chuck D's rhymes, but I thought being black was simply knowing your history, being proud who you are, and conducting yourself in a civilized manner. But like that heroin addicts who inject themselves with that final needle that will take their life, I was suddenly hit with a bitter dose of reality, that is when I saw a few girls I knew in High School recently.
It was last week and I'm having some caffeinated beverage in this trendy coffee-shop by my house, a morning hangout for wanna-be poets, young professionals, and degenerates like me simply nursing hangovers with stripper glitter still on my person. A couple of tables over I see these two gorgeous sisters looking and me, we exchange a few smiles, I'm figuring out the mathematical possibility of me penetrating the both of them, this back and forth game of visual ping-pong lasted for a few minutes. Even though I have as much game as the XFL(defunct football league) I mustered up enough courage, walked over to the two ladies, introduced myself, and they invited me to sit down. I felt like Donny Brasco, infiltrating their inner sanctum, gaining their trust, just to bring their whole operation down at a later date.(or bring their head down, mouth hug style..) I felt like Luke Skywalker, my pimp game was the "Rebel Fighter", and later I would get the opportunity to shoot a couple of torpedoes down the shaft of their "Death Star".(Just a metaphor for my ability to pre-ejaculate in their presence later)
But all my plans of seeing a couple of black chicks naked was thwarted simply by one of them saying, "Hey, you are HumanityCritic. We went to High School together!!" Ok, even I was a uber dork in High School I was always an individual so I had nothing to be ashamed of, so for the next few minutes me and the two lovely ladies waxed poetic about our time at Kempsville High School. I was actually enjoying myself, thoughts of whipping out my penis were becoming a possibility again, until the other woman says "Yeah, you thought you were white!!" Taken aback, the most articulate thing that I could come up with was "Huh.. what??" She proceeded, "Yeah, you rode a skateboard, had white friends..and..and..", the other one chimed in "You have always talked proper as fuck!!!", both of them giggling like I was the butt of a running joke they had going on since 1991. Suddenly I'm not HumanityCritic anymore, I'm James, that 16 year old kid with the bald fade that took extremely too much shit from some of the other black kids for riding a skateboard and not being "black enough" because of it, even though they couldn't tell you a black history fact if you held a nuclear weapon to their collective heads.
As I sipped my overpriced brewed beverage, trying mentally cleanse myself of the ignorance that I was just privy to, I said: "What is being black to you two bitches? Broken English, some exaggerated walk, being able to do that dreaded chicken soup dance?? That's not being black!! Let me ask you, how many kids to you too ladies have?? Woman 1:Five Woman 2:Six I continued, "Ok, treating your vagina like a clown-car, is that "being black"?? No. Your colloquialism, the way in which you speak, does that make you black?? I mean, Arthur Ashe might have spoken "white" to you, but he was a million times "more blacker" than most of the substandard Hip Hop artists that you listen to based on his activism." That's when one of them asked me, "Ok HumanityCritic, what are you into now??" as if to imply that there was a possibly that I had changed from that "whiteboy" that they once knew in the early 90's. I said, "Ok, even though you two broads have a warped sense of what being black is, let me hip you to some of the things that I'm into. I'm doing this to enlighten the both of you, and since I haven't had a decent piece of ass since the first Clinton Administration I still want to, simply, fuck.."
I ride a Skateboard: That's right ladies and gentleman, your resident throat-chopper has ridden a skateboard off and on since 1985 to be exact. Sure back then I didn't get as many awkward looks, me having a bald fade at the time, aggressively pushing myself down sidewalks en route to the nearest skateboard ramp. But, as a chubby 32 year old black man sporting dreadlocks and an agenda of hate to boot, I get stares of amazement as I front-side grind someones curb or rail-slide down the handrail of a local business with total disregard to public property. Skateboarding is like masturbation to me, I do it because it feels good and I'm good at it god-dammit!! If pulling off kick-flip ollie's, extremely long nose wheelies, Christ-airs off a half pipe, or smith grinds makes me any less black then so be it. Not for nothing, but in a weird way hearing teenage boys at the local skate park say, "Wow, you are awesome..and you're my dads age!!" makes up for anything a misinformed black person with a shitty perception of what being black is can ever say to me.
I dig Independent film: As much as I dig blockbuster flicks as much as the next blue-blooded American fuck, I have a certain affection for films done on an extremely limited budget. No, I'm not talking about the time I tried to market my 2 minute porno films to the public, you remember, the ones entitled "HumanityCritic's Cliff-notes of fucking"?(Those didn't sell too well, probably because it had to do with me ejaculating before my sexual partner took her clothes off..) But seriously, I spend a great deal of my time either watching flicks at my nearest independent theater or I am having conversations of geek-like proportions, concerning directors, the lighting of sets, and other nerdy stuff with the cashier of an independent video store that I go to at least 4 times a week. Come on, what other brother can openly talk to you about "Ghost World", "Happy Endings", "Buffalo '66", or can openly admit to you how romantic they thought "Before Sunrise" was. If that makes me less black, then so be it, and fuck you..
I'm in a rock band: Even though we don't play out nearly as much as we once did, I am the lead singer of a local rock band. Comprised of 5 black dudes upset at the current climate of Hip Hop, we are a sonic mind fuck of blistering guitar chords and in your face lyrics. Of course, since I write all of our songs, we have songs about masturbation, the benefits of fucking midgets, George W. Bush being akin to an abusive boyfriend, my love for Janeane Garofalo, and how I know I will find the woman I'm going to marry if she lets me put an ashtray on her back and smoke while she goes down on me. Also, being the lead I get to not only curse out and threaten to fight unruly patrons, but I can go into lengthy diatribes between songs on important issues like the magical powers of my cock. But seriously, swinging my dreads around as I belt out lyrics into a crappy microphone as people bang their head, sometimes even mosh to my verbal stylings is better than..well..it isn't better than sex, but it is better than dry-humping!!
I hate ghetto gospel plays: Do you know the only reason why I dreaded going over the house of a beautiful woman for some late-night ass on Saturdays?? It was simply because I knew that there was a good chance that I would wake up to some sorry ass ghetto gospel plays that she would have on video tape on Sunday morning. It's always the same thing, dialogue that just perpetuates stereotypes in the worst ways imaginable, scripts that seem like they were written by a person with down-syndrome high off of the best street-grade marijuana, and over acting akin to Jada Pinkett's performance in "Kingdom Come". But because I know that I'm a hater, I ignored my natural sensibilities and went with a friend of mine to a gospel play that was being held in my area. I think the title of the play was something like "Ohh Lord, who drank up all the Kool-Aid?" or some nonsense like that. I sat there for a few minutes as patient as possible, but similar to being subjected to Chinese water torture I jumped up and said, "I can't take this shit any more!!" and ran out of the building like I was Mel Gibson trying to capture his fleeing reputation. I'm sorry, I hate ghetto gospel plays, and if that makes me "less black" then so be it. I mean, fuck you, but so be it..