Thursday, August 17, 2006

Fuck it, I don't want to be black anymore!!!

What?? Did you think that the title of this post was just a tool to get your attention, like a girl with big tits who you find yourself talking to for hours even though her scope of conversation ranges from her love for Mo'Nique and how she got pregnant at a Lil Wayne concert once, those dirty pillows keeping you salivating like Pavlov's dog as you endure dialogue worse than a Tyler Perry movie. No I mean it, I don't want to be black anymore, so if I have to hand in a racial badge, fill out paperwork, hold a press conference, buy a Pat Boone record, have a shrine to Clarence Thomas, whatever I can do to make the process of not being black anymore complete I'll do it. Let me clarify before all the women who find chubby black pre-ejaculators sexy suddenly decide that I'm not fuckable anymore, I don't want to be black anymore based on what people feel "being black" is nowadays, that's all. I mean, what is being black anyways? Listen, maybe I'm just an unmarried 32 year old dude with simple tastes in life like eating Mac and cheese off of a slipper's ass-crack and fucking women to Public Enemy records as SHE recites Chuck D's rhymes, but I thought being black was simply knowing your history, being proud who you are, and conducting yourself in a civilized manner. But like that heroin addicts who inject themselves with that final needle that will take their life, I was suddenly hit with a bitter dose of reality, that is when I saw a few girls I knew in High School recently.

It was last week and I'm having some caffeinated beverage in this trendy coffee-shop by my house, a morning hangout for wanna-be poets, young professionals, and degenerates like me simply nursing hangovers with stripper glitter still on my person. A couple of tables over I see these two gorgeous sisters looking and me, we exchange a few smiles, I'm figuring out the mathematical possibility of me penetrating the both of them, this back and forth game of visual ping-pong lasted for a few minutes. Even though I have as much game as the XFL(defunct football league) I mustered up enough courage, walked over to the two ladies, introduced myself, and they invited me to sit down. I felt like Donny Brasco, infiltrating their inner sanctum, gaining their trust, just to bring their whole operation down at a later date.(or bring their head down, mouth hug style..) I felt like Luke Skywalker, my pimp game was the "Rebel Fighter", and later I would get the opportunity to shoot a couple of torpedoes down the shaft of their "Death Star".(Just a metaphor for my ability to pre-ejaculate in their presence later)

But all my plans of seeing a couple of black chicks naked was thwarted simply by one of them saying, "Hey, you are HumanityCritic. We went to High School together!!" Ok, even I was a uber dork in High School I was always an individual so I had nothing to be ashamed of, so for the next few minutes me and the two lovely ladies waxed poetic about our time at Kempsville High School. I was actually enjoying myself, thoughts of whipping out my penis were becoming a possibility again, until the other woman says "Yeah, you thought you were white!!" Taken aback, the most articulate thing that I could come up with was "Huh.. what??" She proceeded, "Yeah, you rode a skateboard, had white friends..and..and..", the other one chimed in "You have always talked proper as fuck!!!", both of them giggling like I was the butt of a running joke they had going on since 1991. Suddenly I'm not HumanityCritic anymore, I'm James, that 16 year old kid with the bald fade that took extremely too much shit from some of the other black kids for riding a skateboard and not being "black enough" because of it, even though they couldn't tell you a black history fact if you held a nuclear weapon to their collective heads.

As I sipped my overpriced brewed beverage, trying mentally cleanse myself of the ignorance that I was just privy to, I said: "What is being black to you two bitches? Broken English, some exaggerated walk, being able to do that dreaded chicken soup dance?? That's not being black!! Let me ask you, how many kids to you too ladies have?? Woman 1:Five Woman 2:Six I continued, "Ok, treating your vagina like a clown-car, is that "being black"?? No. Your colloquialism, the way in which you speak, does that make you black?? I mean, Arthur Ashe might have spoken "white" to you, but he was a million times "more blacker" than most of the substandard Hip Hop artists that you listen to based on his activism." That's when one of them asked me, "Ok HumanityCritic, what are you into now??" as if to imply that there was a possibly that I had changed from that "whiteboy" that they once knew in the early 90's. I said, "Ok, even though you two broads have a warped sense of what being black is, let me hip you to some of the things that I'm into. I'm doing this to enlighten the both of you, and since I haven't had a decent piece of ass since the first Clinton Administration I still want to, simply, fuck.."

I ride a Skateboard: That's right ladies and gentleman, your resident throat-chopper has ridden a skateboard off and on since 1985 to be exact. Sure back then I didn't get as many awkward looks, me having a bald fade at the time, aggressively pushing myself down sidewalks en route to the nearest skateboard ramp. But, as a chubby 32 year old black man sporting dreadlocks and an agenda of hate to boot, I get stares of amazement as I front-side grind someones curb or rail-slide down the handrail of a local business with total disregard to public property. Skateboarding is like masturbation to me, I do it because it feels good and I'm good at it god-dammit!! If pulling off kick-flip ollie's, extremely long nose wheelies, Christ-airs off a half pipe, or smith grinds makes me any less black then so be it. Not for nothing, but in a weird way hearing teenage boys at the local skate park say, "Wow, you are awesome..and you're my dads age!!" makes up for anything a misinformed black person with a shitty perception of what being black is can ever say to me.

I dig Independent film: As much as I dig blockbuster flicks as much as the next blue-blooded American fuck, I have a certain affection for films done on an extremely limited budget. No, I'm not talking about the time I tried to market my 2 minute porno films to the public, you remember, the ones entitled "HumanityCritic's Cliff-notes of fucking"?(Those didn't sell too well, probably because it had to do with me ejaculating before my sexual partner took her clothes off..) But seriously, I spend a great deal of my time either watching flicks at my nearest independent theater or I am having conversations of geek-like proportions, concerning directors, the lighting of sets, and other nerdy stuff with the cashier of an independent video store that I go to at least 4 times a week. Come on, what other brother can openly talk to you about "Ghost World", "Happy Endings", "Buffalo '66", or can openly admit to you how romantic they thought "Before Sunrise" was. If that makes me less black, then so be it, and fuck you..

I'm in a rock band: Even though we don't play out nearly as much as we once did, I am the lead singer of a local rock band. Comprised of 5 black dudes upset at the current climate of Hip Hop, we are a sonic mind fuck of blistering guitar chords and in your face lyrics. Of course, since I write all of our songs, we have songs about masturbation, the benefits of fucking midgets, George W. Bush being akin to an abusive boyfriend, my love for Janeane Garofalo, and how I know I will find the woman I'm going to marry if she lets me put an ashtray on her back and smoke while she goes down on me. Also, being the lead I get to not only curse out and threaten to fight unruly patrons, but I can go into lengthy diatribes between songs on important issues like the magical powers of my cock. But seriously, swinging my dreads around as I belt out lyrics into a crappy microphone as people bang their head, sometimes even mosh to my verbal stylings is better isn't better than sex, but it is better than dry-humping!!

I hate ghetto gospel plays: Do you know the only reason why I dreaded going over the house of a beautiful woman for some late-night ass on Saturdays?? It was simply because I knew that there was a good chance that I would wake up to some sorry ass ghetto gospel plays that she would have on video tape on Sunday morning. It's always the same thing, dialogue that just perpetuates stereotypes in the worst ways imaginable, scripts that seem like they were written by a person with down-syndrome high off of the best street-grade marijuana, and over acting akin to Jada Pinkett's performance in "Kingdom Come". But because I know that I'm a hater, I ignored my natural sensibilities and went with a friend of mine to a gospel play that was being held in my area. I think the title of the play was something like "Ohh Lord, who drank up all the Kool-Aid?" or some nonsense like that. I sat there for a few minutes as patient as possible, but similar to being subjected to Chinese water torture I jumped up and said, "I can't take this shit any more!!" and ran out of the building like I was Mel Gibson trying to capture his fleeing reputation. I'm sorry, I hate ghetto gospel plays, and if that makes me "less black" then so be it. I mean, fuck you, but so be it..


Dr. Strangejazz said...

You should have slapped those two c*nts with you c*ck.

I HATE the whole "You're not black" BULLSHIT.

At one point I was going to blog about it (I still might) but I just get so damn flustered that it really just ends up being a rant.

You've inspired me to get focused and actually blog about it. Don't worry HC you will get props for inspiring me.

Aeshema the Fury said...

HA! First Luke Cage and now you! He had a similar post (though without the hot chicks, mores the pity) about us intelligent, verbose brothers and sisters with diverse interests being held to some elusive standard of blackness that really has nothing to do with ethnicity, heritage, ancestry or culture and has EVERYTHING to do with modern day stereotypes that are so ingrained that most of our people take them to be their own beliefs. When you talked about the bald-faded young man, I saw myself, right there, listening to folks, both white AND black tell me that I wasnt black enough cause I scored double what they got on My SAT's, I wrote short stories and could use four syllable words in normal conversation without breaking a sweat.

Im starting to see that many of us are starting to push back. Push back against what Hip-hop has become, what our own people think of what our culture is and isnt, what the government and society has prepared for us, our nice little pigeonhole. You can see it in some of the new art and artists and music and words coming out, just below the radar, right under the horizon.

You know, my wife almost didnt get to her first date because, on the phone, she SWORE I was white, because she had never talked to a black man who spoke so cleanly, with definate flow, concise diction, and powerful imagery. She couldnt imagine I could be black because of the men she had been accostomed to. I love her to death now, but it took me an hour to get over that.

So, Im with you, Humanity Critic. We define BLACK by the things WE do. Fuck em.

(Raising a glass of Red Stripe in your honor)



Enigma said...

Those two women were dumb. Sadly what it means to be black to the media and too many black folks is play stupid or be stupid or dumb yourself down. To me and clearly to others, doing what you like, doing it boldly and well, that is being black. Being successful and intelligent, yeah that is black to me too. Liking the ghetto plays, well that is a person who likes to laugh and is a bit silly.

Piscean Princess said...

That's it - I'm officially in love with you.

If that means I have to turn in my badge too, then so be it.

jali said...

Great post HC! I've been told over the years that I'm too white, too proper, too suburban - to be really "down".

Yeah - the "sistahs" with the blond weaves and the green contacts are the "real" AA folk. The "brothers" with the S-curl waves under their doo-rags are really in the position to judge.

I laugh them all off.

acolyte said...

You couldn't have said it better!
I have gotten tired of people equating speaking ebonics, listening to hip-hop , failing in school to being black!
I have gotten flack coz I listen to rock and techno (white people's music) among other things, I like outdoor sport like rock-climbing and sky diving (seems black men shouldnt want to jump out of planes!).
And Kikimia you haven't met dumb folk till your asked how you learned English because your from Africa.There called schools people...repeat after me!

One who tries said...

Damn. It's like you've lived my life--only as a guy.

Q-tip said it best: Black is Black.

Amadeo said...

Much the dude who was called in oreo in middle school and stands out in those plays cause I laugh at the parts that aren't meant to be laughed at. I've bought more Rock music than Hip-Hop in the last few years and hell I could tell you more about some Japanese anime than I could what's on MTV. I say grind on their cars and then give them a kancho...check that one on wikipedia.

Mel said...

In South Africa black people who are considered 'too white' by other black people are called 'coconuts'. The whole thing is a sad state of affairs.

And on a sepereate note: Althroughout your piece I got that there are certin things anout being black today that you just don't stand for, that you want to be known is wrong and prejudiced. And yet, you speak so easily about women in a derogative way. Do you see that?
I heard John Lennon say that 'woman is the nigger of the world', and he's right.

The Humanity Critic said...

@Mel: Hey Mel, thanks for reading and I appreciate the input by the way. I guess your feeling that I am misogynistic comes from another blogger who linked this particular post, which I'm honored by, but before the blogger quoted me they said "ok great post except for all the ‘bitches’ this and ‘bitches’ that.." Besides the fact that saying "bitches this and bitches that" implies that I said it multiple times, even though I said it only once in the post, and when I did say it it was in the context of an actual quote that came out of my mouth.(I wasn't going to misquote myself just to ease readers..) Also, judging someone on one post is like picking up a newspaper and the first story you read is about a person getting murdered and you say, "Geez, this paper only reports homicides!!" Or having dinner with a friend while they eat cheese-cake and you saying, "Wow, is that all you eat, cheese-cake??!!" I mean, there is risque language on here, and I have never been one to make any group comfortable, blacks, whites, conservatives, women, men.. I'm an equally opportunity offender. Plus, there is more than enough evidence in my 2 year posting history of my love, respect, and admiration of women.. Thanks!!

mr.kamoji said...

Dude you can do a Christ air? Fuck being black you got balls.

M E T H O D Man said...

I was thinking the same thing: You can do a Christ Air on a halfpipe?Dude! You rock! Especially if you do it at Trashmore.

You forgot to mention how Tyler Perry comes out after his latest Ghetto Gospel Play (I also had to agonize through an entire play once just to get a piece of tail) and explains the moral of the play just in case those people with Downs Syndrome are too high to get it.

Oh yeah. I know you're not crazy about him but check out the remix of "Kick. Push." with Lupe Fiasco and Pharell.

richard said...

Great post, Critic. People always want to pigeonhole others to fit their own definitions of how they should be.
I suppose it's just to damn difficult to honestly take each person as an individual. In order to process them, they must be part of a group, I guess.

J M Hoffman said...

OK so you don't do any of that stuff, I can grant you that, but are you at least subject to an irrational fear of ghosts and swimming? And surely you must shout out whacky phrases whenever you see a comet, get held hostage, or various other situations present in Jerry Bruckheimer films.? If not I have to say it's a shame that some people don't live up to their proud heritage.

I have the reverse problem. I get shit for not being white enough. My religious orientation is shifting dangerously close to "I'm calling myself a Muslim to freak out your dumb ass" and for some reason people seem to think I'm ashamed of my race when I listen to stuff like Propagandhi: "And just what are the great historical accomplishments of your race that make you proud to be white? Capitalism? Genocide? Slavery? Sitcoms?" Of course they can argue with my orientation, but never quite argue with the lyrics.

Sonia said...

I have the same problem.
The only difference with me is that they can sometimes hear my accent. When they don't hear it the auto assume I'm white. More so if I'm no the phone.

I was talking to this guy once, and he was introducing me to his brother. His bro was up in Chicago, so I had to speak to him on the phone. As soon as I got off the phone with the brother, he asked the guy I was seeing if I was a white guy. They both though it was funny, but I was pissed.

I also enjoy independant films. To me they have more meaning and understanding, and feelings then main stream onces.

Chubby Chocolate said...

A Black man who loves indie films? I'm spent!

I'm slowly falling for you-But then you remind me of your pre-ejaculate proned peter-weeter...:-)

I'm so sick of that, "You're not Black enough" crap..It's so tired.

Very good post.

Ally said...

This is so spot on!

At college I fell out with a housemate for - get this - washing my hair too often!

Apparently this makes me less 'black'...?!

bodhi said...

you're funny man. i wish i was a black man who didn't want to be black!

Anonymous said...

Why do you keep mentioning sex well "fucking" as it relates to "Black chics" or black women. Do you hate black women? That's what it sound like to me.

The Humanity Critic said...

"Why do you keep mentioning sex well "fucking" as it relates to "Black chics" or black women. Do you hate black women? That's what it sound like to me."

@anon: If that's what it "sounds like to you" then you are an inbred jackass.. Simple as that.. I don't hate black women, and if you got that by reading my post then I suggest you shoot yourself in the head immediately based on the curse of ignorance that is forever flowing through your blood stream..

*Humanity F Critic"

Anonymous said...

don't play with tyler.

Magus said...

I dig what you're saying. What i've come to realize is that the culture of poor black people has become the defacto culture for all black people. I told a friend of mine that I liked skiing and that really bugged him out cuz he was like, "black people don't ski" but I corrected him, I told him "poor black people don't ski" and I sho-nuff ain't po. Go find some poor white or chinese people and ask them the last time they went skiing. Poor people of any group don't tend to do much of anything.

Heather Bartlett said...

You make some very good points - as a white woman I am not familiar with all of the subtext going on between black people all of the time. You illustrate some good examples - like how the girls probably didn't know much (if any) black history. Zing!

By the way, I live in Maryland now, but I noticed you went to Kempsville High School - I graduated from Green Run. Small bloggy world.

I do have to say though, that with this blog entry(the only one I've read so far) you are holding up some stereotypes - about men. The way you talk about women is kind of...well...degrading and dehumanizing.


The Humanity Critic said...

@heather: Thanks for the response, I appreciate love from graduates of Va Beach schools! But let me answer this quote by you:

"I do have to say though, that with this blog entry(the only one I've read so far) you are holding up some stereotypes - about men. The way you talk about women is kind of...well...degrading and dehumanizing."

With all do respect heather, don't you see the problem with that critique after you openly admitted to only reading one post. If you weren't a Green Run alum I would think that that was not only a sloppy assessment but also intellectually lazy, but I'll give you a break here. I have over 300 posts, and many of them are ranging from my father issues, the deep admiration I have for my mother, the overall strength of women, and also because I'm a single guy I will openly admit that I love to put my penis in women who will never be my wife. This blog is a part of my life, my self expression, not the New York Times or Oprah's magazine, so if you want simplicity and a writer who tries to be PC just so he won't offend his female readers then I suggest another blog for your reading enjoyment. I'm not trying to diss you, but getting judged based on one post is pretty vomit inducing..


Dominique said...

Get the hell out of my head!!! It ain't pretty, but damn it's nice to know there are others.

latisha said...


I loathe Indie Films. I've always wanted to be a drummer in a band. I love country music. Actually I dig any genre of music that sounds good to my ears, and have no problem bumping it. I don't know any current hip hop or rap acts (I'm 22) who the heck is Ne-Yo? Amos Lee and India.Arie and Ari Hest stay in my CD player. I'm an independent not a democrat. I loathe talk radio. I use come instead of came when necessary. I say brought instead of brung. [This was taught in our household]. The list could go on and on... I'm with you if that all means I need to turn in my "black card" than so be it. I couldn't agree more with what you said!!!

Taurus said...

Damn, that was a great post. I have these same conversations with brother's at least once a week, about "What is black?"
That's why I have your site linked to my blogsite, your post are always on point!!