Even though I would love to be an actor in the worst way, being able to make a character come to life on screen and the shitload of ass that would come my way because of it, I know that that dream will never happen. Not because I feel that I'm not talented, even though during a High School audition for a play my dumb ass recited stage direction along with my lines: "Dorothy, I love you! Turn and embrace her. I want to be with you forever!! Gazzingly look into her eyes" Not because I feel that I lack the drive to be successful, even though I was fired off a local commercial when I came to the set reeking of alcohol and weed. Not even because I feel that I wouldn't be able to handle all of the female attention, even though after wearing two condoms during sexual intercourse I still wait anxiously for that pissing sensation while urinating, even if it doesn't happen I get tested anyway. I couldn't be an actor because I have a history of trying to live out the roles that I've taken on.
Like the time I ordered my family around for weeks after I played the role of "The Angry Boss" after a 4th grade play I was in. My family was tolerant for a while as I ordered them around like House Negros in the republican party, but one day my father said "If you don't cut that shit out, I'm going to play the role of "child abuser"! I promptly stopped, but a few minutes later I found myself on the business end of a spanking, so when I yelled "What are you doing??" my father said, "I'm method acting!!" Or last year when I played the part of "Vegas" the street pimp in my friends low budget movie that he shot, a movie that went "straight to the shit-can". Honestly, for a while I thought that I had pimp like skills of persuasion. After a few nights of getting drinks thrown in my face, and a few "You want to stick that where??", I knew that trying to live out my screen persona was definitely NOT the move. Here are some actors who I feel try, or have tried to live out there screen persona.
David Carradine: Character:Kwai Chang Caine Show:"Kung Fu"
I guess most of you would know him best as the character of "Bill" in those "Kill Bill" movies, and the man has done a shitload of other acting work, but it is my opinion that this son of a bitch has based his entire life on a character he player more than 30 years ago. Whenever I have seen him, in magazines or in interviews, he has been wearing some fashionable Karate Gui like he just came from a tournament where he defeated a member of the "Cobra Kai"(Karate Kid reference) I'm not sure of the man's history or even if he has a background in Martial Arts or not, but if you can't throw hands with the best of them then stop the false advertising. Unless you aren't a stripper, I'd hope that a man wearing a policeman or a fireman uniform actually partook in those professions. Besides the costume, when you hear the guy talk it seem that he's channeling his best Karate Master voice, like he is dropping verbal gems on you that should be engraved in your brian forever. I had a dream once where I met him and he tried to pull that "snatch the pebble from my hand" shit, where I responded "If I grab it I'm going to shove it right up your ass!" Granted, that seems like something a highly aggressive proctologist might say, but you get my point.
David Hasselhoff: Character: Micheal Knight Show: "Knight Rider"
I know, I know, the man doesn't drive a slick black car that talks to him, and you probably won't see him talking into his watch and summoning his automobile, but it is my belief that he thinks he is Michael Knight in every other way. For one thing, outside of the main character of both "The Office" sitcoms, I have never seen a person so uncool think that they are the unadulterated shit. I know that he is the shit in Germany, a lot of no talents here are the "cats pajama's" abroad, but when you see him you get the feeling he looks in the mirror everyday saying "Hasselhoff like a motherfucker!! Yeahhhh!!" I like confidence like the next guy, but when you see him sing you can tell that in his mind he thinks he is bettering society by his singing that is akin to hearing a constipated turkey moan. To add insult to injury, the guy calls himself "The Hoff"!! You know that you are asshat of douche-bag proportions when you give yourself a nickname. Mike, you were cool when that English voice was coming from your ride, not any more.
Tupac Shakur: Character: "Bishop" Movie: "Juice"
I can just imagine the amount of hate I'm about to receive, every time I say something that isn't claiming that Pac is the best rapper ever, I get a shitload of misspelled emails of hate that invoke more chuckles than anything. Listen, I liked Pac, I'm just disappointed in some of his actions when he was alive and I don't think he was the best rapper ever(far from it), that's all. That being said, I always thought he was trying to channel his character "Bishop" by some of the shit I would see him do or say on T.V. When I first became aware of Pac he was wearing African garb in a Digital Underground video on some "Now I clown around when I hang around with the Underground" shit. His first LP was gritty, with a bunch of male bravado, but it seemed more like a young cat coming to grips with the ills of society from a black man's point of view. It's just my opinion that he didn't start buggin the fuck out until after his role in "Juice". I'm not one to psycho-analyze anyone, and the guy had definite issues concerning his upbringing, but some of actions and words didn't seem like an unruly youth throwing caution to the wind, it always seemed like a dude trying to prove something to somebody that he didn't have to.