If marriage is like that, no fucking thanks.

When my best friend got married, I wasn't delusional when it came to how our relationship would change in drastic ways. I knew that those all night drinking binges were all but a distant memory, I knew that I would have to be less confrontational whenever I'm around him because he'd now have a wife to go home to, and I'm pretty sure his new wife wouldn't be cool with me and him tag teaming some stripper named "peaches" in some dark alley somewhere as I scream at her "Why are you yawning?? Stop fucking yawning!!". Hell, I even liked his soon to be wife so much that I didn't throw hookers his way in a feeble attempt to dissuade him from tying the knot. So as I was nursing a serious hangover from the bachelor party the night before and wreaked of cheap scotch and stripper sweat, all the while trying to pluck glitter off of my hands, I saw my best friend of 20 years get married. It didn't dawn on me as I sat there, possibly because I was nervously trying to recount the events of the previous night, hoping that I didn't enter one of those unsavory harlots without the proper riot gear on, but I knew that for our friendship to last that we would have to pretend that were 12 years old again.

Of course I'm not talking about actually acting like a pre-teen, you know, watching cartoons, riding skateboards, or masturbating like a madman to my favorite Appolonia poster..(wait, I still do ALL of those things.) But because my friend was now married, his wife would sort of play the parent role when I came over, watching him nervously ask if it was alright to "come out and play" so to speak. But I just figured that that came with the territory, and to be honest I was happy for him, also jealous to be quite honest. I mean, he would be spending the rest of his life with his soul-mate in marital bliss while I try to figure out which condom color would accentuate a body part that I affectionately call "The stubby chubby". While him and his wife save for their kids college tutition, I'd be popping Viagra like tic-tacs hoping that the young woman that I'm dating loves me for me or for the fact that I pay her car note. Years from now when his kids come home from college to spend Christmas with their old man, I envisioned myself watching "A Christmas Story" for the millionth time, along with an empty bottle of Jack Daniels and a shotgun riding shotgun.

Ok, Ok, I was feeling sorry for myself, but I don't think I'm alone in openly hoping that my twilight years aren't spent alone with a house-full of fucking cats. So yeah, I wanted to get married in the worst way when my friend got hitched, that was until the veil was pulled back and I saw all the shit that he has to go through. I mean, I know that not all marriages are like his, but observing his marital situation made a house full of cats seem like a quite promising endeavor. I still want to get married, but not if it's anything like my friends marriage. Here are a few examples..

He had to ask her if he could play catch once: I'm not shitting you, I went over there a few months ago to throw the old pigskin around(toss around a football, not Condi Rice). When I came to the door to ask him what was up he looked at me, cringed, and then asked his wife "Honey, is it ok for me to play catch with HumanityCritic??" That's when I thought I was using the voice in my head but actually realized that I was using my actual voice when I said, "What the fuck!!?? We will be about 20 feet away and you live next to a couple of lesbians, the chances of you getting ass are slim to none. Even though in the right light you do resemble Meshell Ndegeocello!!" His wife gave me one of those "Don't fuck this up for me, I have him trained!!" looks. Fuck, I suddenly realized that my boy was now brainwashed.

When we go out he gets a serious guilt trip: Those few times that my boy's taskmaster is kind enough to let him out to mingle with the common-folk, she gives him serious guilt trips about it. I mean, I would understand being on the business end of a guilt trip if my friend said "Honey, HumanityCritic and I are going to a strip club where the women go "beyond the call of duty" if you give them an extra 20!!", I'd understand her hesitation in that case. But trips to fucking Best Buy, Lowe's, and shit like that invoke questions like "How long are you going to be?? You're leaving me here all alone??" It got so bad that one time I said, "Excuse me, I'm going outside to throw up now!!" and proceeded to lose my lunch all over his front sidewalk. When he came out and said, "Does me being "whipped" actually make you physically ill?" I responded, "No, I had to throw up anyway because I drank too much last night, I was just trying to get my point across!!"

He has to check in, a lot: Listen, I understand a man calling his woman if he is going to come home later than expected or even telling her of his whereabouts, all that is understood. But this jackass, on any given night that we are out, calls his wife at least 25 times and proceeds to give her a Madden-like play-by-play rundown of what is happening. For example, "Honey, me and Critic are at the pool hall!!", "Baby, I just ordered some chicken fingers and fries", "Sweetie, HumanityCritic just punched a guy in the throat for no reason at all", Sugar, HumanityCritic just beat me in a game of pool!" Jesus fucking Christ man, he might as well have one of those baby monitors so she can keep up with him continuously.

I get the feeling that his wife hates me: As much as she smiles in my face and acts like she's cool with me, I get that sinking feeling that she hates me like Lou Diamond Phillips hates Melissa Etheridge records, or how Reagan felt about Jodi Foster movies before he died. I don't know what it is, I haven't really done anything to her personally. Well, that is if you don't count the drunken story I told at his wedding about the STD he once caught, the fact that I kept calling her the name of his ex-girlfriend, or the brief relationship I had with her friend where I broke up with her in an email simply saying, "It's been real, See ya!!!" But those aren't legitimate reasons to hate a guy, are they??

She talks to him like a child: Despite my lackluster history when it comes to dating, the one quality that I've always been proud of is the fact that I never argue in front of my friends or her friends. If I have a disagreement I would take her to the side and discuss it, or wait until all of our guests left and hit her with a "You must have lost your fucking mind!!!!" But my friend's wife doesn't subscribe to that sense of decorum, cursing and berating my old friend like he is an adolescent who happened to break a window or some other childhood indiscretion like that. Yeah I know, it's my friends fault for letting himself get completely run the fuck over, but after I witnessed her yelling and pointing at him like he was an ill behaved puppy, I know that I want to hold on to my testicles when I'm married. I mean, I've been through that before, being cursed the fuck out in front of a woman's friends.. Let me tell you, an extremely loud "Who in the fuck do you think you're talking to!!!" around some of her closest friends and family will kill that shit quick-fast.

He always says "Inmates in Jail get more ass than I do!!": He says this a lot, but I don't particularly follow it because if you are an inmate that isn't gender specific of where your penis goes, and you're favorite pastime is making new inmates hold your pocket as a sign of ownership, then you do get plenty of ass. Sloppy metaphors aside, I always thought marriage to be great in the sense that you would have ass at your leisure. No more paying chicks to sleep with you, no more lying to women saying "I promise, I'll call you!!" after a one-night stand, no more going to the clinic to make sure you are disease free as the doctor and nurses hold back giggles based on you being hung like a newborn. But apparently, based on what he tells me, I get a more steady stream of ass than he does..(Which is scary, because I haven't had a steady stream since the first season of Chappelle)







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