Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Let me hurry and beat up the guy who said that "Patience is a Virtue".

People would assume that a therapist deleting me from her list of clients and calling me a "fucking nut-job" would dissuade me from my journey of mental clarity in this porn filled, masturbatory existence that some would call a life. But to be completely honest, I have seen a great deal of growth over the past year, emotionally not phallicly(unfortunately). A maturity that I didn't seem to be in the same area code of when I was sitting on some assholes couch admitting some of my most innermost feelings like wanting to have sex with women in pools of jello, or my weird desire to fuck one of "The Golden Girls" in a very risque orifice. My temper is getting better, when a guy did something that would have gotten his ass mauled no less than a year ago, cooler heads prevailed and I didn't find the need to physically assault the gentlemen.(Even though, I told him if he ever did that again that I would, and I quote, "Gut him like a fish"). My relationship with my brother is getting better, even though I thought he was the evil one for all these years, I finally realized that I was stuck in a High School play about Sex Ed. and I was the actually one playing the "dick" role. I don't use women's body's like a sexual play-land that I disregard like a parking ticket immediately after ejaculation any more, basically because I'm scared of sticking my dick in something as diseased as that outbreak monkey so I end up drunk dialing them and whispering sweet deviant nothings in their ear past 3 A.M instead. So yeah, there is definite improvement, but one area that I can't seem to make a solitary dent in is my impatience. It's pretty bad, here are a few examples.

Standing in Line: I have said this for years, but if I ever had a phat lottery check in my hand worth hundred of millions and there was a fucking line at the bank, my black ass would come back the next day. That's how much I hate lines. But I'm not a total douche-bag, if I find myself in an extremely long line I won't harass other customers or curse out the staff, even though you might hear an occasional sigh akin to a 5 year old after being told that he isn't going to get a particular toy he wants. But, if there is a customer or employee who is adding to the extremely long wait, THAT is when I get vocal. Like the other night at "Wendy's", I was already waiting a few minutes when I noticed an old man arguing with the cashier because she had charged him less than what he is normally charged. Less! That's when I went up to the older gentleman and said, "Gramps, if you don't take your discount and keep it moving, I swear to fucking god I'm going to throw you in the god-damned Frosty mix!!!"

Or the time I was waiting more than 10 minutes in the grocery-store, listening to this gem of a conversation:[ Cashier: Girl, what are you going to do?? Woman: I don't know, Ray-Ray hasn't called me since we hooked up this past weekend.. I hope he's OK?? Cashier: Yeah, something must have happened because he's been chasing you for months..] That's when I told the woman, "Ray-Ray isn't calling you because he either has a girlfriend, or after "hooking up" with you realized that your crotch smells like road-kill!!(turning to the cashier) Can you put this Jerry Springer rehearsal on pause so I can pay for my Gatorade?" Or the time I was at a department store buying some shell-toes when I was behind a woman in her 20's and her 60 year old boyfriend. They were going on and on about their wedding day, the preparations, things like that, and that's when I lost it. I said, dropping to my knees looking in the sky, "Can a brother just buy a pair of fucking sneakers lord??(standing up, looking at the couple) Can you two hurry this shit up??(looking at the older gentleman) Y'all are getting married huh? Where are you registered, a fucking funeral home??"

Sex: To say that I'm an insensitive lover is an understatement akin to saying that R. Kelly likes younger women, or that Mary J Blige is sometimes depressing as fuck. I'm getting better though, I now am more receptive when a woman says "Get your hand off of the back of my head jackass!", and other things that makes someone better in the bedroom. But again, my impatience rears it's ugly head in this department as well, and women don't seem to appreciate it in the least. Like if a woman is trying to be sexy and sensual, slowly taking off her clothes to get me "in the mood", I'll say "Come the fuck on toots, I have A.D.D and at the pace your going I'll just say 'fuck it' and start jerking off." Or when a woman is about to perform a certain act on you, but she proceeds it with a whole bunch of teasing nibbles and nonsense like that, I'll usually say: "Once you are in a Ferrari, you don't just don't rev the engine endlessly, take that motherfucker for a spin already!!!"(Even though a more accurate analogy for my genitalia would be to call it a VW Bug with acceleration problems, but that's a semantics argument)

My Conversation Skills(or lackthereof): Even though I am one for embracing your inner-asshole, based on the amount of asinine conversations I sit through without interrupting the person talking, I can be a pretty nice guy. I usually let people have their say and I'm a pretty good listener, but if you tell me that you like some bullshit rapper or if you go on and on for extremely too long, I immediately acquire that thousand mile stare when you are talking. It was a trick I learned as a kid, trying to endure those boring ass lectures from my father, lectures where he would usually break down the 1001 ways that I wasn't shit. If you say that you are a Young Jeezy fan or thought that "Soul Plane" was a theatrical masterpiece, I will appear to be listening to you but all I hear is the voice of Charlie Brown's teacher.(Whah-Whah-Whah) If you talk my fucking ear off you get that same 1000 yard stare, I just hope that people don't pick up on it and quiz me afterwards.

Physical altercations: Looking back on my life, I feel bad when I realize that 60% of the fights that I've been in could have been avoided if I had just talked things over. But because I have less patience than a surgeon with Parkinson's, I never gave peace a chance and proceeded to take things in my own hands.(pun intended) Matter of fact, I have been so impatient that I have the long and storied history of punching people in the face mid-sentence. I couldn't tell you how many times these scenarios have happened:[ Random Man: Listen, if you don't get out of my..*Bam"* Garden Variety Douche-bag: That's my girlfriend!! Touch her ass again.."*Wham* Black Republican: Call Condi a crack-whore one more time and I'll..*Throat-Chop* Yeah I know, violence is never the answer.. But trust me, punching someone before they can get their pre-fight, tough guy diatribe out, lets them know that you mean business.

I throw CD's for distance: It is no secret that I am the biggest music snob ever, living by the words uttered in the movie "High Fidelity" where John Cusack's character says, "It's not what you're like, it's WHAT you like!" Since I believe that quote the way that millions of people believe their holy bible, my actions when it comes to sub-par music is pretty aggressive to say the least. If I am in my car with a newly purchased CD or some sample CD that some local artist passed to me at a party once, if I play it and it's bullshit I will throw it out of my car with Dan Marino-like accuracy. I know it is a natural reaction, like your leg moving after the doctor hits your knee with that hammer thing, because I threw a CD out of my car as the artist in question sat in my passenger seat waiting for approval. I have the same impatience at concerts as well, if an opening act blows I'll let them know it, I'll usually scream out an exaggerated"You guys suck!!!!" Or if one of my favorite groups decides that they want to play a whole bunch of unrecognizable new material, I will scream out "Stop playing new shit, play the hits you motherfuckers!!" I know, I have to work on that.

4 comments:

tin384 said...

Patience indeed is a virtue. Now you can beat me up!
A few experiences are not basis to conclude such quote is untrue. Maybe you just didn't have the greatest day of you life.
You know one thing that makes the quote true? Your mother patiently labored you dear and look what she got! A very smart blogger and that is you! See what I mean?

Amadeo said...

I think patience is a virture, but so is knowing when things aren't moving fast enough. Like people who drive like a site-seer during rush-hour traffic. Now is not the time to have a block worth of space between you and the car in front.

Sankofa said...

LOL...tin384 doesn't know u too well.

Great post.

Luke Cage said...

Damn HC. You've got a brotha contemplating whether I should alter one of my greatest strengths. My impeccable patience. I think it's carried me far in my life. Then again, there were times I wished I wasn't so damn patient. Sometimes that can be taken as a source of weakness, especially to folk in your own inner circle. Lata man!