Praise the Lord! Can I Get a Witness?

Over the past few years I have had friends and family members that have dedicated themselves to the Lord. Even though I went to catholic school, the only thing that i gained from my attendance were the early-teen erections that I used to get from seeing girls in plaid skirts. Overall, I believe that finding Jesus is a good thing if you aren't fanatical about it. The following are some examples of individuals that took their faith on a cult-like level.

Christy: We all know someone that was rather promiscuous back in high school, Christy was the epitome of neighborhood freak. Everyone that I knew had a piece of her at one time, and she had absolutely no shame about all the guys she ran through. This behavior continued up until her late twenties, a couple of years ago, when she found the Lord. I am happy for her, I really am, but every time i see her its like she is giving me a sermon. Not only that, she is very judgmental and talks about how I am a sinner and that I am going to hell if I don't fully embrace our lord and savior. I had been pretty patient to her for the longest time, somewhat proud that she had ceased being a fuck doll for miscellaneous men. I saw her in the store a couple of months ago an when she began to criticize my lifestyle my mouth got me in trouble once again. I reminded her about the time that she slept with the entire football team, had sex with a teacher at our high school, stint when she was a escort, and all of the B Level rappers that she slept with.(Wrecks n effect, MC Brains, etc) I hated to put her in check, but sometimes you need to bring the self righteous types back to earth with their high and mighty routine.

Reggie: I know that I have documented many scrapes and scuffles that I have been in on this blog. But Reggie was so violent and malicious that he made me look like mother Theresa. The guy has shot, stabbed, and maimed people for life and the mere fact that I am still around and didn't get a stray bullet that was meant for him is a small miracle. Honestly, I would bet good money that Reggie has actually killed people, not particularly a guy that you would want around your mother. Fast forward more than a decade and that bastard is a deacon in a church in my town. You would think that he would mask his violent past to the people in his church, but to his credit he embraces it and uses it in his sermons. I mistakenly went to hear him preach one day and he called me out in the front of the crowd, telling the people that he used to cause mischief with me back in his sinning days. No shit, it reminded me of the scene in Malcolm X when his old friend Shorty goes to see him speak and Malcolm tells the people that Shorty represents his hoodlum past. Now that I write this I can't find too much fault in Reggie's transition into religion, but there is one thing. OK, Reggie apparently reads this so here we go. He called me the other day and told me that I should calm down and control my temper. I told him that I found that strange since he is the same person that 1)Threatened a female bartender with a broken bottle because she made him a weak drink. 2)Had to be restrained by me because he was about to beat up his girlfriends mom when she called him ignorant 3)He once chased a guy for 20 Miles on the highway because he cut him off, I was in the car begging him to slow down like a bitch. Come on reg, I know you are a preacher now but save that shit for someone else.

Terry: Terry is a dude i have known for most of my life, and we share a love for hip hop. At least we did until recently, now his new found faith rejects anything Hip Hop related. We were in my car on a Sunday and i was playing some Tribe called Quest. Anyone who knows their music can tell you that they are far from vulgar, and rarely used curse words in their rhymes. When I started playing it Terry took the CD out and said something like "This is the Lords day, don't play that." I not only told Terry "Fuck you", I informed him that he could get out of my car and walk it with his T.D. Jakes wannabe ass. A few weeks later I went to his church and it freaked me out, it was some David Koresh-branch davidian shit. People wearing sandals and beads, chanting and shit, the only thing that stopped me from leaving was this woman that had told me that she would cleanse me of all my sins. Since she had a body that wouldn't quit, I mistakenly said "You can cleanse me alright!" For some reason she didn't find that humorous. All of a sudden they got in line and the preacher was laying hands on everyone and they were falling the fuck out. As I stood in line I wondered, "What if nothing happens when old dude touches me, would that mean that I am some sort of demon child or something??" I got out of line and said to myself, 'Fuck that, I practice catholicism, I have my own fucked up religion to deal with!"

Olivia: She was a manager that I had back in my rapping days. I was with a rap group, and we really started off with a bang and got some citywide love early. She wanted to be our manager, so soon after that we were under her "tutelage". In hind sight she didn't know shit, hired the wackest producers for us, and kind of stumbled her way through the whole process. Did I mention that everybody in my group slept with her except for me. Not saying that i took the moral high ground by not sleeping with her, I was just kept in the dark about the sexual activities of my band-mates and my manager. What resulted was a overall lack of respect for her when she ran through my crew, and our group eventually disbanded. I saw her a few years ago and she is a bona fide Jesus freak. She handed me pamphlets to her church, and a shitload of literature concerning biblical teachings.(Did I just use the word shitload in the same sentence that I used the word "biblical teachings"? Someone please pray for me) As she lectured me about turning my life around, I couldn't get the image out of my mind of 3 of my band-mates filling her from both ends like a pair of fucking Chinese finger-cuffs* in the back of a musty ass van. Praise the Lord!

*fingercuffs is a reference from the movie "Chasing Amy"

Screw it, Don't take my advice then!

For some reason people over the years have confided in me when it comes to asking for advice. It's funny because most of the time I will go against my best judgment and fuck things up, showing that I can't follow my own advice. It used to make me feel important when people would seriously take what I said with importance, but lately my words of wisdom has fallen of deaf ears. Whats going on?

Mad Max: Max is a friend of mine who I went to a club with recently. We were having a great time, checking out women and causing absolute mayhem. I saw a girl there that I new named Laurie that I introduced him to. They hit it off and they were all over each other by the end of the night. When he was driving me home I gave him some words of wisdom: "Hey man, Laurie is cool but you might want to reconsider messing with her. For one thing it is kind of unsettling when you know 20 guys personally that have slept with her. Plus, a guy was once killed over her so you better watch your step. Also, she seems so unclean to me that after I come in contact with her I feel like I need to take a shower." Max laughed it off, thanked me for the heads up, but informed me that he was a big boy and could handle himself. I replied, "Fuck it, I warned you". About a month later I am playing pool with Max and I notice that he is very silent the whole time. I asked him what's up and he says the following. "Dude, you were right. For one thing I got jumped by one of Laurie's boyfriends and a couple of his friends, they beat my ass good." He then informed me that Laurie gave him a venereal disease damn near immediately. Usually when I was proved right I would gloat, but I just simply responded with a "that's messed up" and continued to play pool.

Three's Company: The brother of one of my band-mates was hanging with us one night. He is kind of a scumbag, but he doesn't bother me so its OK. He had brought up the fact that he was going to bring a second woman into the bedroom to have a three-way with his wife. Everyone was telling him how that was their fantasy, and basically gave him encouragement. I disagreed with the following rant: "Fuck that, that is probably the most overrated fantasy out there. For one thing, I wouldn't do it because having one unsatisfied woman is enough, imagine two mad chicks at you. No thanks. Plus, what if the other woman turns your wife out? Then you my friend, are officially fucked!" He laughed off my comments and quickly changed the subject. Fast forward about two months later and what I said had actually came true. His wife had fallen in love with the woman that he had brought into the bedroom, leaving him alone and regretting that he ever thought of the words "Three-way".

Right-wing Buddy: I have talked about my republican friend Randy time and time again, he is one of my closest friends. I have to admit something. When it comes to the beautiful family that he has, I am kind of envious. When people say, "I am single and loving it" I always want to punch them dead in the face because they are fooling themselves. Being married and having kids is definitely the way to go, hands down. That is why it angers me that Randy is fucking up royally and he is going to sabotage his family. OK, he has been married about 9 months and along with a 5 year old son from a previous relationship, he has a daughter that was born about two months ago. I have noticed a few things over the past few months. 1) For one thing Randy has had women meet him in places that we frequent. From his sons baby sitter, to a friend of his sister. He always claims that nothing is going on and i drop it. 2) About a month before him and his wife first got married, we had went out to have a few drinks. This girl that he knew was there so we all hung out. Danny then drove me home, but I noticed that the girl in question had followed us there. I went into the house to crash since i was shitfaced and left them outside. I woke up about an hour later and something told me to look outside. When i did I see Randy and this chick kissing and hugging on top of his car.(Even worse is the fact that Randy lives only one street behind me.) I have love for Randy, and want to believe that he hasn't been unfaithful to his wife but a lie he once told me makes me question anything he says on the subject. The Lie: He once dated a girl that was named Kate and she looked like the actress Kate Hudson, no lie. They were dating for a few months and Randy swore up and down that he never had sex with her. Well, he told another group of my friends that he was always having sex with her. Who was he lying to, me or them? And, why lie to any of us? Anyway, the final verdict isn't in on this one, I just hope that Randy makes the right decision.

Neighborhood Bar: For years this bar's theme has been a redneck shithole that consistently loses money. A new owner will come along, have a country and western theme, and it turns into an all out dive bar. Fast Forward a few months ago when a new owner took over the place who I thought was going to save the day. He changed the scenery, played more R&B and Hip Hop, and gave the place more life. It was also making a lot more money, so I thought the curse was finally lifted from this establishment. It all started to go downhill with a quickness, and i think I was present when it began to fall apart. See, he can't get rid of the older, redneck, I have one tooth, I used to sleep with my sister, why don't you play more Toby Keith and Waylon Jennings crowd. So some of those dudes were in there one night when i was there and argued with the owner about playing more country and western. I could see them swaying the owner so i said the following: "Dude, you are making more money with the new direction of the bar, why would you change it back now? Plus, take a good look at the individuals giving you this stupid advice.(Grabbing one of the gentleman's head) This motherfucker has two teeth in his mouth!! I wouldn't take advice from any man that doesn't have the good sense to Brush and floss.(Sniffing) Also, the other guy giving you advice smells like a baboons asscrack, come one dude!" OK, maybe i was a bit harsh but I had to sell my argument. Fast Forward about a month and I walk in there and see a group of sorry motherfuckers line dancing. He had changed the format, and withing weeks they are losing money faster than a hooker with a bad cough. Man, does anybody listen to me?

HumanityCritic's Tell All Autobiography(Circa 2033)

One of the most frequently asked questions that I get asked from people who attend the shows my band plays, or people in general is "What if you guys blow up and make it big?" That would be nice, but I'm not banking on it for fear of being disappointed. But if we did make it big I would hope that I was a humanitarian and used my resources to fight for what I believed in. Sadly, I can see me having a tell-all book where I talk about the famous women that I was once with. Can't you see it? The year being 2033 which would make me 60 years old, reflecting back on my life and career with a autobiography entitled "Throat Punches and Mouth-Hugs: My Life Bitches! by HumanityCritic". Here are some excerpts from this future autobiography where I describe the women that I once dated.

Mariah Carey: This isn't going to be a bulletin or anything but Mariah is crazy as batshit. For one thing she takes like 25 showers a day, her ass has issues. Not only that she has about 10 "yes women" who compliment her, agree with her, and laugh at all of her jokes. Her main topics of conversation is how great she is, how no other singer can touch her, and how in 20 years her movie "Glitter" will be considered a theatrical masterpiece. I shit you not, she made me and her staff watch that movie at least twice a day. I would call our intimate moments in the bedroom "10 Commandment Sex" because her ass had so many rules. "Don't smack my ass", "Not too hard", "You are wearing 2 condoms right?", "Tell me how great Glitter was", the shit got ridiculous. While we were together she would say silly shit like, "I really can't believe I'm with a black guy. I mean, I have black folks in my videos and producing my music, but to actually have one as a boyfriend is something that I don't do." When I would remind her that she is half-black she would say, "That's right, I keep forgetting about that." When I tried to break it off with her she made me sign a confidentiality agreement saying that I would never speak about our relationship. For good measure she had a few of her goons rough me up outside her place of residence as her and her staff laughed uncontrollably. As I walked off bloody I screamed "Glitter sucked ass bitch!!"(taken from chapter 18 entitled "Nuttier than Squirrel shit". Page 126)

Halle Berry: She was extremely cool at first, a stark contrast from Mariah "Glitter-flop" Carey. She seemed like the perfect girlfriend until her jealousy reared its ugly head. First it was the phone calls, at least one hundred a day. Then she would drive by my house at 3 in the morning to see if I had a woman over. She constantly asked me if I was cheating on her, she shockingly sniffed my genitalia and said, "I know you have been with someone else, don't fucking lie to me!" What in the fuck is that? She was spirited in the bedroom, but I had to laugh when she recited the line from "Monster's Ball" by yelling out "HumanityCritic, Make me feel guuuud!" The sexual experiences aside, I had to let her ass go because she was too possessive and jealous. The last straw was when I called her from my moms house and she didn't believe me so I put my mother on the phone. When my mother said "hello" Halle screamed, "I know this isn't Critic's mother, you fucking my man bitch??" After a thorough cursing out I ended it, she then said that she would trash me in the press and imply that it was all my fault, making her look like spotless. Oh well, what ya going to do?(taken from chapter 20 entitled "Sorry, but B.A.P.S sucked ass" Page 149)


Lauryn Hill: Dating her was cool because we were so in tune musically, and rhyming with her late into the night was nothing short of magic. I can't complain about her that much, but one phrase kept coming out of my mouth when we were together and that was, "Damn, all these fucking kids!!" Every time I said that she wasn't too pleased but that is understandable. She would break into fits of rage when I would tell her that she should hurry up and drop a album. One night when she was singing and playing her guitar and she began to ball uncontrollably.(Where have I seen this before?) She wasn't a fan of my drinking and she would say, "You are poisoning your body with those evil forces, and that negativity is coming through your pores." Shut your ass up and pass the Courvoisier! She let me go but it wasn't a nasty break up. As I walked out the door she gave me a demo of her new album, told me to take care of myself, and politely told me that she was making a song trashing the shit out of me. Thanks a lot Lauryn.(taken from chapter 21 entitled "Stop Fucking!" Page 152)

Erykah Badu: Where do I begin? Erykah was highly opinionated, and she thought she was right and everyone else was wrong.(reminds me of myself) Early on she displayed rather weird behavior that was somewhat troubling. In the bedroom she was rough as hell using chains and whips and shit. She also got off on punching the shit out of me at the exact moment that I climaxed. She walked around with incense in her hand 24/7 and when she read that coffee-shop piece I did she thought I was taking a shot at her. She also kept trying to make me wear extremely weird clothes, ugly ass colors, and true coffee-shop wear. That all stopped when she realized that she wasn't going to change a brother. But let me tell yall something, her vagina has special powers that scientists have to research because without me noticing I was indeed wearing those clothes and doing whatever she said. I now see how she got Common and Andre. I broke away from her evil spell but I still have dreams of her telling me, "You can't escape me HumanityCritic..Hahahahaha". Thats some scary shit.(taken from chapter 23 entitled "Magical Vagina" Page 170)


Queen Latifah: Our relationship was more a intense friendship. We would talk for hours about Hip Hop and life in general, she was very intriguing. Its weird though, I would be on the covers of magazines with her as her new "beau" and she would be on Oprah talking about I was the love of her life, but it wasn't like that at all. For one thing when she kissed me it was on the forehead or the cheek. When I was over her crib she always had me sleep in another room. On top of all that I think she would drug my food because when I would wake up she would be smoking a cigarette saying, "that sex was great" and I never would remember any of it. She was cool though so I won't trash her, its just a shame I can't recall ever seeing those beautiful titties up close and personal.(taken from chapter 24 entitled "Can't a brother get a glimpse of those wonderful titties?" Page 175)

Whitney Houston: OK, OK, Bobby was in Jail and I was desperate, what can I say? But there were some good things about going out with Whitney though. For one thing, Whitney has the best weed in the United States of America, just watch her ass when she rolls it though. Also, Whitney taught me of various places you can shoot up and it not be too obvious.
The sex was weird because she would often fall asleep while I was on top of her.(I always said I was a boring lay, but come on) It got out of control when I had to stop a dope dealer from beating her ass, and I had to intervene when Whitney attempted to sell her daughter for a ounce of heroin. I got out of there in no time, but I was worried because I developed a nasty rash as soon as I left her residence.(No worries, Doctor said it was stress. Whoa) Bobby came to my house looking for me but he was so juiced up on crack that when he arrived at my door he forgot why he was there. Poor Bobby.(taken from chapter 25 entitled "Whitney the dope-fein shooting dope, who don't know the meaning of Just saying "No" Page 183)

Serena Williams: I have to admit that when I started dating this cutey I was excited because she had a booty that should be on a soul food menu. She was mad cool, she even appeared in one of my music videos, we had a great time until her family intervened. For one thing I was constantly confronted by Venus and she would accuse me of trying to cause a riff between her and her sister. Her mother would tell me that I wasn't shit so much that I had a flashback of when my father said the same things to me, so mistakenly I mushed her in the face and said "Shut your stupid ass up!" Serena didn't talk to me for a week because of that. She also wasn't pleased that I had to punch her father because he wouldn't pay me the 500 dollars he owed me from a card game.(His ass tried to pull a blade on me!) The last straw was that sex tape that I had secretly made for my personal collection. I didn't know that someone would steal it, and when it went public Serena dumped my ass quick-fast. There is a silver lining though, that porn entitled 'Serve it as Hard as you can" is the biggest selling porn ever.(taken from chapter 27 entitled "Big Butt and a Smile" Page 193)

The "Shut Your Ass Up!" Item of the Day

Mark Wahlberg has came out publicly against Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, and Eminem for apparently fronting about having rough upbringings. He slams Damon for romanticizing a tough upbringing in the film "Good Will Hunting" by saying "If I make a film about my upbringing it's going to be about more than a f**king kid doing math, like in Good Will Hunting, you know what I mean?" He continued on Eminem: "My childhood wasn't like some 8 Mile bulls**t where you go and have a rap-off. Or like West Side Story, where you all start dancing and s**t." I guess these sentiments come from his feeling that he had a rough childhood, and the assault conviction that he got 17 years ago is to blame for said childhood.

HumanityCritic Rant:

First off Mark, let me be the first to say Shut your stupid ass up! Listen, I don't have any beef with you Mr. Wahlberg but I would like to address the following points. First off, you might have a point concerning Eminem and 8 mile. But I can't buy your ideology or your rant simply because when you were on TRL with Eminem a few years ago and he mockingly said in front of you, "We are all just one big Funky Bunch", your silly ass just stood there looking stupid. You didn't do a fucking thing tough guy, so save the bullshit posturing for someone else.

On to Ben and Matt: At no point did Ben Affleck or Matt Damon say that "Good Will Hunting" was autobiographical you silly bastard. It was a work of fiction, or did those tight ass Calvin Klein drawls that your punk ass use to pathetically peddle stop a sufficient amount of blood flow to the brain, limiting your ability to have a coherent thought. I also find it hard to believe that anyone who used to go by the name of "Marky Mark", have a crew called the "Funky Bunch", and tortured our ears with the song "Good Vibrations" would have the guts to talk shit whatsoever. Listen, this is only a rant and I might feel differently about you tomorrow. But remember what they say about people in glass houses Mark "Come on, come on. Feel it, Feel it!" Wahlberg.

Why are you so mad at me??

I was talking to my mother the other day and she said something that was rather interesting. She said that either people love me or they love to hate me, there is no middle ground when it comes to me. She also said that it wasn't natural the way I enjoy infuriating people over the years. She is half right, I do enjoy pissing people off who deserve it but there have been times where I didn't find any enjoyment in doing so.

My Bandmates: I mentioned before that I am a absolute ham when it comes to performing with my band. They are patient with me, and they simply giggle when I do something that your classic egomaniac would do. From cursing out hecklers, from pouring a drink on a girl who called me "a liberal porch-money" at one of my shows and after-wards throat punching her boyfriend who took offense, and threatening to clothesline a club owner who wanted to stiff us 200 bucks, the band has been patient with all of my antics. Until last month. During one of our songs we have a lengthy guitar solo that I have mastered, so taking(stealing) a page out of Prince's play-book I do the following. 1)I go to the edge of the stage and play the solo 2)I turn my back to the crowd and have a guy that I know prop me up mid fall as I play the solo, the crowd liked that. 3)At the end of the song I toss my guitar in the audience(the guy that I knew caught it) and I walk off stage. Lets just that my bandmates weren't impressed and it is the first time that they were openly pissed. I guess i need to tone it down.

My Bandmates #2: We were struggling for a name early on and we couldn't decide on one. So I thought about using the name "Dirty Sanchez" and the band loved the name. We used the name for a little while, even doing shows under the name "Dirty Sanchez". About a month later one of my bandmates comes to my crib and bangs on the door. I open the door and he says, "I found out what "Dirty Sanchez means you silly son of a bitch! We are changing the name immediately!" See, the name "Dirty Sanchez" is a slang term for a deviant sex act. They wanted to kick my ass when they found out we were actually doing shows under that name. I won't discuss the act on this blog, but for a description of it go here.

New York Ex: We were dating for a little while and our relationship was dysfunctional. We cursed at each other, she cheated on me, it was a disaster. I made the mistake of dating one of her friends, let me explain. I have told this story before but I was dealing with a girl who worked alongside of my girlfriend at the time. I knew this for months and continued to see both of them, even though they were becoming fast friends, I knew that this was going to end badly. When they discovered that they were having sex with the same person my girlfriend called me from work in a "I'm going to stab you" tone. She told me to meet her in front of the building at a specific time, but I knew that was a trap for both women to confront me at the same time. Well fuck that, so I waited for the side fling to vacate then I picked up my girlfriend. The look that she gave me still haunts me to this day, and she continuously pounded me in the chest screaming "You son of a bitch!" Even though I was young and stupid, I regret that I hurt somebody that much.

My Father: My father had the unsettling habit of telling me that I wasn't shit in front of people. I love him, and see a lot of good qualities about him, but that solitary fact I outright despise. On top of it he used to do it in front of some of his friends who used to frequent his auto repair shop. This navy gay named Barry made the unfortunate choice of saying the following to me, "Your father said that you weren't shit, I kind of agree." What the fuck was that? I decided that he had to be dealt with. I had seen Barry in a pool hall where I made sure that the back of his skull became intimately acquainted with a pool-stick. I beat him bloody which infuriated my father to the point that he didn't speak to me for a while. Which was weird because out of all the fucked up shit that I did he was pissed that I beat the ass of a guy who wasn't really a close friend.

Brian: Brian was a friend of mine that I had known for years. He was a cool guy and we had been through a lot together. Anyway, I had gone to a club with my republican friend Danny that I am always going on about. He is my best friend, so if something goes down I have his back. Danny had gotten into a scuffle with some knucklehead that he was arguing with and surprisingly he was handling his business. Apparently Brian was a friend of the guy Danny was fighting so he took it upon himself to kick Danny while he was on the ground. Being the "punch happy" guy that I an I dashed over and rocked Donnie in the face three times, knocking one of his teeth out. As Brian laid on the floor he said, "I thought I was your boy??" Then I replied, "You are but Danny has seniority you silly bastard!" To this day Brian won't speak to me but I understand why.

Anger Management

I realized this weekend that becoming a more kinder and gentler HumanityCritic will take some time. Let me explain. I have a friend who is a shrink and she was telling me that I have anger issues(no shit), and that I should practice going a week without cursing someone out, or making fucked up comments to them. I figured it was simple enough, I can be a all around nice guy for a week. Boy was I wrong, and a week of being nice blew up in my face in the course of a weekend.

Neighborhood kid: Ok, this guy is 20 but he acts like a kid. I showed absolute restraint towards him after he did the following things to me. 1)When I was pulling into my neigborhood he was right behind me, so he hit the accelerator and jumped right in front of me. This is a residential neighborhood by the way, and he damn side swiped me. I did nothing, restraint. 2)Then he was speeding down my street and not only left a ugly skid mark in front of the crib, but damn near hit my car..

When I lost it: I was pretty proud of myself that I didn't curse the young man out. I felt that I could show restraint, and be a calm and mild mannered part of society. That was until Saturday, when his friends were playing basketball in the street. I approached them with my car trying to pass, they see me and they don't budge. I politely honk the horn and they still don't budge. (Devil appears on shoulder) Devil: Hey Critic, this cat thinks you are a punk. By cutting you off, leaving skid marks in front of the crib, now his ass won't get out of the way. handle that! I jump out of the car and yell, "Get your motherfucking asses out of the street!! Would you like me to move you?? They promptly moved out of the way and I heard one of them say, Dude, he's pissed". As I drove off i realized that I had just pissed away that good deed by acting all postal. Shit.

Getty Mart Dude: OK, I have given this guy so much rope that I had to strangle him with it, albeit verbally. I didn't realize how much shit I took off of him until recently, so when I blew up at him it was due to months of nonsense that came out of his mouth. For one thing, when I enter the establishment he says "Yo-Yo" in a mockingly stereotypical fashion. Then, I don't know if he did this on purpose, but he would ask me questions about race while wearing a t-shirt with the confederate flag on it. I shit you not. Lastly, I bought 3 dollars worth of gas to put in my lawnmower. When I paid the money he said, "Who puts 3 dollars in their cars nowadays, are times that rough??" I pointed to the gas can on top of my car and said, "It is for my lawnmower you inbred jackass."

When I lost it: I went to his establishment to get some gas and he repeated, "Are you going to put three dollars in your tank again?? Ha, ha". I then issued the following diatribe. "Motherfucker, how many times are you going to say the same ridiculous shit?? You know I was getting gas for my lawnmower! Or are you so socially retarded that is all your silly ass can come up with?? Oh, and if you ask me anything to do with race wearing a confederate t-shirt I'm going to choke you with it!" He told me never come back but I knew that was a fake threat because I'm cool with the owner. This morning when I saw him he simply said "How much gas are you getting?"

Ex Girlfriend: This particular ex girlfriend I am cool with so this is going to be difficult. OK, I have been letting her slide because for a long time she has said that she broke up with me, which is technically the truth. But the problem is she tells anyone that will listen that particular fact, and she declares it with a sort of weird glee. This has been bothering me for some time but I never thought it was that important to address it.

When I lost it: I went to a function where she was attending and she went into the story of her breaking up with me in front of a group of strangers. I felt like Mike Tyson when he was being interviewed by Barbara Walters and Robin Givens was telling her how much of a monster he was. I interrupted her and said the following: "I have been hearing you tell this story over and over and its time to clarify our past relationship. The only regret is that I wasn't cold hearted enough to break up with you months before. The relationship was wack and you literally bored the shit out of me, I was a coward at the time but I sabotaged that relationship. Do you know who was the happiest when we broke up? Me! So please, when you tell that story keep that in mind." She called me and told me that she would never mention that story again.

Childhood Nemesis: When I was a kid I knew this guy named Steve. Steve was cool with my group of friends and he seemed like a pretty cool guy. Steve was also known for getting into fights so we knew not to mess with him. One day we are playing football and I guess Steve was pissed at me because I had tackled him extremely hard. Steve got in my face and I stood there like "What?" He then hit me in the face three quick times knocking me down. I was 10, and not yet skilled in the sweet science of boxing, so I was on the ground tearing up from the ass whipping. Fast forward 20 years and I have seen Steve many times. He has been cool, but he tends to mention that particular fight which happened more than 20 YEARS AGO! He says, "Boy did I beat your ass that day" and similar sentiments like that. The reason I haven't really responded is because Steve is currently a drug addict, and I feel that God has punished that poor bastard enough.

When I lost it: This past weekend I see Steve in my neighborhood bar with some of his druggie friends. He says, "HumanityCritic, whats up?" I am nice and greet him back. Over the course of a few minutes he tells his friends how he beat my ass, and that I "cried like a bitch." I can feel myself getting mad but I try to think about things that bring me peace.(i.e long walks, flowers, the end of Jah Rules career) After he goes on for about 10 more minutes the following diatribe comes out of my mouth. "Motherfucker, how pathetic do you have to be to talk about a fight that happened more than 20 years ago, when we were eleven for Christs sake?? Get over it! But Steve, a lot has happened in 20 years, a brother has gotten stronger and tougher, so what do you say we go outside so I can show you my progress. Bring your dope fein friends too just to make it interesting. What do you say??" Steve made a comment that I should calm down and walked away and that was that. I bet I won't be hearing about any 20 year beat-down anytime soon.

Damn, a weeks worth of progress pissed away in one weekend. My shrink friend is reading this so she knows the setback I had. I guess its back to the drawing board.

Hip Hop Underachievers. My short List of Disappointing MC's

Life is filled with disappointments, whether it be career oriented, or being let down by a loved one unexpectedly. I have gave you my opinion in list form of the greatest male MC's, top female MC's in my opinion, groups, and those who fall under the wack category. The following individuals might have great lyrical talent, but their career didn't go the way that I personally expected. But hey, a couple of guys on this list are filthy rich, so what in the fuck do I know? Here is another list(try not to steal this list as well you fucking blog biter, and you're still biting I see..Ahem)of Hip Hop Underachievers.

Eminem: When he first came out I was his biggest cheerleader. When cats were dissing him simply because he was white I would not only inform them on how ignorant they were, but I would point out that the dude was extremely talented lyrically. He has a way with words, and he has so many flows you can't really pin point one particular style to him. He is talented, and can go toe to toe with any rapper out there. His albums are another thing. The first couple had a few things that I liked, but I basically forgave him because I expected this "great" musical growth. Years past and it never came, it was always more of the same. The saddest part is that Eminem has a built in audience, he could put out an entire record of him on the toilet and it would go triple platinum. So you would think that he would use that opportunity to promote some cutting edge Hip Hop, some straight up underground shit that I know he probably wants to do. Nope, he has remained faithful to the TRL crowd more or less and that's sad because he is wasting a golden opportunity.

Rass Kass: I have always had a deep respect for this MC hailing from Carson California. One of my favorite lines from his is, "I drink Listerine, and Brush my teeth with amphetamines/So I can sound fresh and say dope things." Classic. But waiting for him to drop a coherent album is like waiting for Condi Rice to make black folks proud, just ain't going to happen.(Unless you are of the House Negro variety) I once heard him say that he isn't concerned with beats which puzzled me. If you say that you aren't concerned with crossing over then that's one thing, but not caring about spitting over a hot track is the equivalent to you not wanting a tasty meal, or a lover with a fat ass. It's just stupid to me. The cat still spits fire, but that doesn't mean shit if you can't gather a focused 12 or more songs.

Canibus: Very lethal MC, who made the lethal decision of going against the G.O.A.T(greatest of all time) or so he calls himself, LL Cool J. He has some of the sickest rhymes out, with razor sharp visuals that would cut you like a knife. When I heard his first release it sounded like a glorified demo type, with no real vision behind the music. Of course he blamed his album of Wyclef, but his ass had a chance to hear those tracks before they made the album, come on Canibus..I got a hold of one of his recent CD's and I noticed that he has 1 style, 1 delivery, always in attack mode and he never changes up. You would think someone who has the ability to come up with such interesting lyrical content would change his style up a bit.

Royce da 5'9: Royce, Royce, Royce..What happened? You came up as Eminem's boy and you had a clear path to super-stardom, what in the fuck happened? Rumor has it you were pissed that Eminem was taking too long bringing you out, so that is what caused the split?? I don't really know, but it is a shame. It's a shame because Royce is better than anybody that Eminem has ever signed. 50, D12, Obie Trice, he's better than all of those fools. Hopefully he will find a place to shine, but for all the high hopes I had for this brother it looks like he is a big ass disappointment thus far.

Mad Skillz: I remember seeing this dude freestyle on stage alongside A Tribe Called Quest more than a decade and he tore it up. I anxiously awaited his album, and when it came out I realized that just because you are a good battle rapper doesn't mean that your ass will make a decent recording artist. Over the years I have seen him on people's singles, and dropping his own material, and to say that he bores me is a understatement. I know I shouldn't hate on the cat because we are both from the Virginia Commonwealth, but fuck that this dude annoys the piss out of me. From him having this weird beef with Shaq, to those irritating year end wrap-up songs, I am wondering why he is even still around. You know the same way Martin Lawrence is allowed to make bad movie after bad movie, you want to ask "Who keeps giving this jackass work??!!".

D.O.C: OK, his underachievement has nothing to do with bad career moves, it has to do with a car accident that ended his career too early. His album "No one Can Do It Better" is still one of the best West Coast records of all time. Definitely ahead of his time, it is just a shame that he wasn't able to bless the Hip Hop community with any more classic material.

Bahamadia: In a world where its hard to find a female MC who not only possesses Mic skills, but doesn't show her ass every 5 minutes is a rare occurrence. Bahamadia, hailing from Philadelphia was for a brief moment in history a breath of fresh air in this smog filled world of the female MC. She had lyrics, flow, she was a legitimate artist. I don't know what happened to her, the last album that I heard from her was wack and unfocused. But I hesitate to diss the female MC too harshly, not to be chivalrous, but because in a society where the female rapper has to sell sex at every turn, it makes it difficult for legitimate sisters to get a fair shake.

Under the Bridge

"Under the Bridge" is a wonderful song by the Red Hot Chilli Peppers, chronicling the thoughts of lead singer Anthony Kiedis as he contemplated suicide. Whenever I hear that song it reminds of the individuals in my life that have taken their life, and I kind of feel guilty because in hindsight there were clear signs that they were crying out for help.

Ben: Ben was a cat that I used to skateboard with as a kid, he was always a peculiar guy. After High School I didn't see Ben until 2001 in a nightspot at the beach. It had to be the most awkward reunion ever because for one thing Ben was 1) Talking extremely black, which threw me for a loop. 2)Had a two huge knots of money that would absolutely choke a horse. When I told him to be careful flashing that money around in public he 3)Showed me the loaded 357 Magnum tucked in his pants pocket. Ben was about 100 pounds soaking wet, I just imagined someone taking his gun and beating him with it. We kept in touch, primarily because I found out that Ben was a big time pot dealer and a brother can always use a hook up. We hung a few times and the fact that he talked black really bothered me. I can see if you are a white guy that was raised around black folks, or spent a great deal of time with black folks, but this guy was Lilly white for 25 years then all of a sudden he is DMX?? It just pointed out that he was searching for something in his life.

Anyway, I had inquired about some weed, didn't even ask for a hookup, and Ben tried to overcharge me. I don't mean because we were cool, I mean overcharge me period. I was offended but I didn't give him shit about it, I just refused to pay those inflated prices and that was that. About a month later me and my friend Danny were playing pool in a bar and Ben walks in. He looks shook, but he insists that that he is OK. He begins to apologize profusely about trying to overcharge me, I mean the guy was apologizing all night. I told him don't sweat it, but he started apologizing for shit that I didn't even know that he did to me.

Ben invited me and Danny to his house to get high and drink some more, so Danny and I agreed. The problem was Ben kept asking us if we were going to his house later, after we already said yes, which started to freak us the fuck out. After the 10th time of him asking us we declined and went our separate ways. A week later I had learned that Ben had shot himself on a beach early one morning. Looking back, maybe Danny and I should have chilled with Ben. Maybe he just wanted to be around friends? Who knows, but it reminds me of "Under the Bridge" where Anthony Kiedis sings "It’s hard to believe
That there’s nobody out there/It’s hard to believe
That I’m all alone"

Miles: Miles was a dude that I met in college. He was from Raleigh North Carolina, and from day one I thought of him as my little brother. We were the same age, but it seemed that he had a giant magnet for people to pick on him and make his life hell. He was a great kid, quiet, smart, and didn't hurt anyone, but the signs were there from day one. Sometimes he would say to me, "man, I wish I was dead", or "My life isn't worth living", but he said it in such a sarcastic tone I didn't take him seriously. I tried to be the best friend I could be by 1)Beating the shit out of this dude that made his life hell, and making the asshole in question apologize to him in front of a group of people 2)This is going to sound bad, but these girls had played a trick on Miles by one of them asking him out on a date. When he arrived at the location the girl stood him up, and they found this wildly hysterical the next day in the cafeteria. Not to be outdone I poured the contents of a Big Gulp all over them while screaming, "Is that funny bitches??!!"

I could momentarily cheer Miles up but it seemed like a constant uphill battle. We had planned to hang out during the summer when I came to NC, but at the end of the semester before he left he said "Maybe you shouldn't worry about coming to NC man." I asked what was up and he said that he might be tied up. But he said some things that will always follow me, "HumanityCritic, you are a great friend and you are the only person to ever have my back. I want you to remember that you are a good person and god will definitely bless you." Looking back that was his way of saying goodbye, because a month later I showed up at his parents house to surprise him and his mother had informed me that he had taken his life. The part that makes me sad is that his mother said, "Miles always talked about you and what a great friend you were to him, you were the only source of joy he had for years. Bless you son". Then she gave me a big hug. Apparently Miles had left some items for me in a box. Contents: Hip Hop Vinyl, some drawings, a letter telling me that I was a good friend, and a Run DMC poster that currently hangs above my computer as I type this.
I remember that I was trying to find solace in the fact that I treated him well, to make myself feel better, which reminds me of the following lyric. "She sees my good deeds
And she kisses me windy/ I never worry, Now that is a lie"

Lynn: A person that I had met during my High School years. She was a beautiful bi-racial sister, but the funniest thing was that her father was kind of racist, even though he is her natural father. I always said to her, 'His ass wasn't racist when he was giving your mom the "rough and rugged". Lynn was a knockout, but she had the lowest self esteem of anybody I had ever seen. She would go on and on about how ugly she was, and that no man would date her. See, I tried to date her but she wasn't having it since I dated her friend and she found out what kind of asshole I was.

Again, she was constantly depressed so I would do what I could to make her happy. We used to act like we were dating and go by her parents house. Her father hated young black males, so I used to come there with her on my arm with my pants hanging half way off my ass, using broken English, wearing a doo-rag, and talking about all the kids I had just to horrify the fuck out her father. Suffice it to say it worked marvelously. Good, because he was a racist prick.

She used to have the darkest sense of humor, but I loved that about her. We used to laugh at all the racial slurs her dad would use and she used to say, See HumanityCritic! Racism can be fun!" There was one fateful night that Lynn confided in me that her dad sexually abused her for years, and that her mom didn't know about it. Her stories were so horrific I started to cry when I heard the descriptions of what he did to her.

Like most friendships ours unfortunately faded away, and I didn't hear from her in years. A couple of years ago I had learned that Lynn had taken her life after a long bout with depression. She was such a unique person, it is a shame to lose such a precious life. A few months after she passed I saw her father at a bar getting drunk, don't ask me how I knew it was him and i did. I walked up to him and proceeded to...Well, I won't go there this time but lets just say that Lynn was somewhere laughing. Thinking about the time we cried together when she told me of her father's abuse, I think of Anthony Kiedis singing "..Lonely as I am,Together we cry"

For help.
Suicide Awareness Voices of Education
Prevent Suicide Now
Suicide Hotline
National Strategy for Suicide Prevention

An Episode of "Thug Eye for the Regular Guy"

(Credits begin, M.O.P's "Ante Up" comes on)

(The opening credits introduce Big Irv, Dre, and Ray-Ray.. Thug eye for the Regular Guy)

(The opening shot is of them riding together in a SUV)

Big Irv: Dre, who is the next person that we are going to "Thug the fuck out??"

Dre:(opening a folder with a picture and personal information): He goes by the name of the HumanityCritic. A ex-girlfriend of his contacted us because he wasn't "thug" enough. It says here that he thinks that the term thug is "foolish", most rapper's jewels are "gaudy and tasteless", and get this fellas!!..He likes to read!! OK, this guy needs our help!

Big Irv, Dre, Ray-Ray(in unison): Word up son!! Word!

(They arrive at HumanityCritic's residence)

Dre:(banging on the door like he has lost his fucking mind): Open up motherfucker!!

(HumanityCritic opens the door)

HumanityCritic: Who in the fuck are you guys? Also, didn't your mama teach you assholes to knock on the door properly?

Ray-Ray: Ha-ha. This guy got a little thug in him after all. We are here to (they all join in and say)"Thug you the fuck out!!"

HumanityCritic: Thug me the fuck o...Oh, that ghetto ass show on UPN where you turn guys into pseudo-thugs. I thought that was a joke man.

Big Irv: Its no joke homey, and your ex said that you need to be thugged out with a quickness. Don't you know that is what ladies like nowadays?

HumanityCritic: I don't give a shit what.. (notices Ray riffling through his personal items) Hey, stop going through my shit!! What are yall doing??

Ray Ray: You don't have any Ice, no Jerseys, no extremely baggy clothes, no gold fronts. What kind of black man are you??

HumanityCritic: I am a black man that doesn't want to be a walking cliche.

Big Irv: Who is cliche? Your girlfriend? Does she have a phat ass??

HumanityCritic: A cliche is.. Aww forget it, you guys are fools!

Dre:(looking at the bookcase) What is up with all these books?? Thugs don't read son!! Hey yall, this silly motherfucker has a book about dinosaurs here? Look!

HumanityCritic: No I don't, where?

Dre: Right here! It says "Thesaurus", that's a dinosaur right??

HumanityCritic: Damn you fuckers are ignorant!! Why don't yall get the fuck out before its get uglier than Mary J. Blige without her makeup on up in this bitch!

Ray-Ray(fumbling through HC's CD collection): Calm down son. Public Enemy, Common, De La Soul.. Why don't you have and Fiddy Cent, LiL John, you know that real shit?

HumanityCritic: Yeah, that Real Wack shit. Listen, whatever you guys do you won't turn me into a thug so you might as well leave.

Dre: But we are helping you out! All the ladies say that they want a "Thug" in their life, don't you want to score with those ladies.

HumanityCritic: Fuck them. There was this girl that I liked that told me that she had a crush on a particular gentlemen because he was "a thug". When I informed her that I had first hand information(my fist) that he was a bitch and a absolute coward, she told me that it didn't matter because he was still thugged out. Or the vast amount of cowards that i have put on their backs who claimed they were "thugs", if women still want them as thugs then they are looking for a "thug" image and not a actual tough guy. This ain't Halloween and I ain't pretending to be someone else. If a woman wants me because I butcher the English language, get loud in public places, or because I have a invented aura about me then i don't need to be with her low expectation having ass.

Ray-Ray(sniffling): That was beautiful man.

Dre:(wiping a tear) So being yourself actually works for you??

HumanityCritic(Handing Dre a tissue) Yeah it works for me, why spend your life being something that you're not?

Big Irv: Fuck it, I'm tired of pretending. HC, my real name is Irving Winston III. I have a law degree from Harvard and I am a huge fan of Cornell West. I am not a thug!

HumanityCritic: Whats up Irving!(giving him dap)

Ray-Ray: My name is Raymond Chauncy, and I am pre-med at Stanford. I enjoy The O.C and Janis Joplin records. I am not a thug!

HumanityCritic: Good to meet the REAL you Raymond!(giving him dap)

Dre: Yall frontin' ass cats. Ima thug fo sho! West side fo life suckas!!

Big Irv: Dre!!!!

Dre: Ok, my name is Andre Green. I have a journalism degree from UCLA, and I am a professor there.

HumanityCritic: You guys are educated brothers, why are yall doing this shit??

Big Irv: If you saw all the cash that UPN was paying us to act like a modern day minstrel show, you would put on on black-face and bright red lipstick as fast as you could.

HumanityCritic: Whatever. After you fuckers clean what you messed up, do you want to watch "The Office" on DVD??

Ray-Ray: The British version right??

HumanityCritic: Yep!

Ray-Ray,Big Irv, and Dre(in unison) Word up son!! Word!

(everyone starts laughing)

Public Service Announcement about "Blog Biting"

Rant of the Day

I understand that we all have similar experiences, and the chances of people tackling the same topics is a given, but there are definitely blog biters out there. I won't call this dude out by name, and he isn't lifting words verbatim from my blog, but he is definitely biting my style something fierce. Look I have no problem if you want to write something based on an idea you got from my blog and you reference me, I have no problem with that, that's cool. But to shamelessly copy someone's overall approach and style of blog is downright deplorable.

Let me say something 3 times so all of you understand:

If you have ever commented on my blog I am not talking about you.
If you have ever commented on my blog I am not talking about you.
If you have ever commented on my blog I am not talking about you.

So please, don't take offense to this blog in any way because the person that I am talking about has never posted a comment on my blog, I'll put that on my momma. If it was someone that commented on my blog I would feel comfortable addressing them in a civil matter about their blog approach. The reason that I haven't called this person out by name is because I am trying to see if my theory is legitimate or if I am a paranoid fuck.

Thank you for your time.

Mr. HumanityCritic's Neighborhood

(HumanityCritic enter inside his place of residence, piano music starts to plays)

HumanityCritic sings the following:

It's a beautiful day in this neighborhood
A beautiful day for a neighbor
Would you be mine
Could you be mine

It's a neighborly day so don't you act "hood"
A neighborly day for some booty
Would you be mine
Could you be mine

I never fucking wanted a neighbor just like you
If you cut through my yard again your sorry ass is through

So, don't make me treat you like your just a clown
because I'm next door your property value goes down
Would you be mine, could you be mine
Won't you be my neighbor
Won't you please, won't you please
Please won't you be my neighbor

HumanityCritic(putting on Tims, sitting on couch): Hey kids, today we are going to discuss my neighbors one by one and the grief that many of them give me. Some of them are wonderful human beings, and others are what I call "Pains in the ass". Or better yet kids, the word of the day for these individuals is "Hemorrhoids". Can you say that kids? "Pointing to a poster board with the word on it. H-e-m-o-r-r-h-o-i-d-s. Very good kids. Lets walk around the block so I can describe my neighbors to you.

Max and Sherry: This is the couple who lives to my immediate right. They seemed cool at first, but as time past on they have been a royal pain in the ass. First I almost beat Max's ass because a few times he began to build a fence that cut into my property line about three feet. We hired a surveyor to mark where his property ended, he did so by marking it with spray paint and a few wooden posts. This motherfucker had the audacity to move the posts, I know this because I saw his sorry ass do so. When I confronted him about it, in a civil manner I may add, he said, "What in the fuck are you going to do about it?" I laughed and said, "What am I going to do about it you say?? OK", then I put my hands up as if I was going to punch him. Lets just say he didn't want it. Then we have Sherry, who transformed her garage into a beauty shop. Apparently you can do so in your house if you only have one customer at a time. Which is hard for me to picture since she always has a shitload of cars in front of our house. Her customers always try to speak to me by saying, "How are you doing today?", and I always reply with "I'd be doing alot better if you sorry motherfuckers wouldn't park in front of the crib".

Mrs. Betty and Budd: Nice elderly couple who seem that they would do anything for you. Its weird, they are extremely nice to me, but I have the sneaking suspicion that they are extremely racist. Reason for my suspicion. 1) OK, being a white Bush supporter doesn't mean that you are a racist, but their main topic of discussion is "illegal aliens" and "affirmative action". Seriously, they always talk about these things. 2) One time I caught somebody trying to steal my crappy radio. I beat his ass and called the cops. When Betty and her husband came out they said, "You can't let these people get away with their actions". When I asked them what "these people meant" they backtracked and said that they meant "criminals". Their ass didn't mean that! 3) Confederate flags are always a dead giveaway.

Richard: He is a grade school principle who lives across the street. He means well, and I know he is a good person, but he does certain things that annoy the shit out of me. He uses me as his black encyclopedia when it comes to his social questions about black people. Which seems tame enough, but one time he asked me, "why black people get angry when they are called the N-word." I turned to him and said, "You're shitting me right?" Plus, he tries to throw slang in his conversations just because he is talking to me. He will end conversations like, "OK, dog", "peace out gee", or some sort of foolishness like that. When he does that I want to kick him squarely in the chest. The funny thing is that I call him "The Big U.N", because he will date anyone from any nationality. Fine black girls, white, puertorican, for a guy so socially ignorant about African American issues he sure does date some fine sisters. To be honest, because of his variety of women I'm trying to find a way that me and Rich can be friends.

Edward: When I was kid I had a real bad stutter, that diminished with time through practice and maturity. I talk too fast and stutter occasionally when excited, but it is no where as bad as when I was a kid. Because of this I am extremely patient when it comes to individuals who have a speech impediment. That takes me to my neighbor Edward. Ed is a 49 year old Jamaican fellow with a very bad stutter. It is one thing trying to understand a person with a stutter, but throw in a thick Jamaican accent with that and you have trouble. Being the only black folks on the block you would think that we have a lot in common, but we don't. Granted, he has a 25 year old daughter that I want to violate 85 ways till Sunday, but we are polar opposites politically. Besides having ultra conservative views that are vomit inducing, he has expressed some sentiments making it clear that he hates American blacks. That is the main reason why we don't talk as much as he would like. That is like a white person saying, "I hate niggers, but you're ok!". Fuck that.

Renee: Renee is a 43 year old woman who I used to get high with all the time. She is a lovely latina, who you could tell was a absolute knockout 20 years ago. 43 is still young, but a constant diet of alcohol, marijuana, and miscellaneous penis didn't serve her too well. She is cool to me, but her sexual advances even make me feel uncomfortable. She has said things like, "What if I made you my bitch", "I know you want me, drop those pants", and "After I put it on you, I want eggs and pancakes in the morning>" It was easy to simply laugh off her advances, but it quickly became troubling. Not only that, if I was stupid enough to indulge her in any sexual activity, the way she talks to her "boyfriends" is ridiculous. To say that she addressed them like they were children would be a understatement, and HumanityCritic wants no part of that. Now I simply wave to her, as if we never hung out. In a weird way its kind of sad.

HumanityCritic: Ok, that was a brief summary of my neighbors and the certain issues that they have. Me and "Mr.weepers" will see you next time kids.

Mr. Weepers(sock puppet): I might not see you next time kids, HumanityCritic hasn't paid a brother from last time.

HumanityCritic:(Whispering in an angry tone toward Mr. Weepers): I told you you'd get your money motherfucker, don't embarrass me on my blog. Ok kids, until next time!

Reliving Dreams of Hip Hop Past

I have to admit something to all my wonderful friends in blogland. (Holding a candle, AA style) I am HumanityCritic, and I am a Hip-hop-aholic. I have always had a great affection for hip Hop, but as i grow older the love gets deeper primarily because of the dwindling quality of the art-form. I feel that I am one of the last messengers on a quest to save my favorite genre of music, on a life long trek ala Kung Fu. To be honest with you I am somewhat of a disgruntled MC. Not disgruntled or bitter because I never made it in Hip Hop, just that in life there are some things that you have to admit that you aren't cut out for. My lyrics were always marginal, and in Hip Hop the voice is essential and my voice was/is horrible. Some people say never say never, but at 31 years old the chances of me being a Hip Hop artist are the same as me becoming a black republican, highly fucking unlikely. Want to hear some sad shit? I continuously write rhymes to this day even though no one will ever hear them. It is like I am preparing for some worldwide MC battle or some shit, just pathetic. This brings me to the following story.

The other day I went to a gathering that a friend of mine named Jack was having. Me and Jack used to rhyme together back when we were trying to be famous more than a decade ago. Jack is cool, but I hate going to his parties because I never met a nicer guy that had such miserable bastards as friends. I also think that Jack finds me entertaining because 1)At one of his functions I punched a guy because he was talking shit to me 2) At one of his functions a woman told me intimate details about her sexual history, and all the men she was sleeping with at the time. She asked me what I thought about her and I said "I honestly think that you are a whore, who obviously wasn't hugged enough as a child" The woman was Jack's sister. 3)At one of his functions I went on and on about how any black person who votes for Bush and supports Condi Rice is a "Yes massa, No Massa, shit eating grin having, Uncle Tom House Negro." Jacks Parents were in attendance and they were big Bush supporters. So you would understand why I would question him wanting me around. I hope its not to simply "entertain" Jack, because I am no ones puppet.

During the course of the night I had a few beers, a couple shots, and some very unmanly Jello shooters. I was feeling extremely relaxed when I noticed a group of Jack's friends freestyling on his deck. I was excited because it has been a while since I had even seen cats freestyling, I thought I would listen in.

For one thing No one was freestyling, which is OK but I love it when cats go off the head. Secondly, the content of most of the rhymes being spit had to do with gun-play, "bitches", money, clothes, and cars, etc. Quickly I was disappointed and started to break out. Apparently i wear my emotions on my sleeve because some guy asked me, "If you think you got something then why don't you flow?" I shook my head and started to walk back inside the house. Then I realized that this was the exact reason that I write my rhymes, this is why I come up with rhymes for no apparent reason, wack or not lets put my money where my mouth is and drop a quick 16(bars)

I turned around and said "OK", I waited till the last wack rapper was done.
(Bobbing my head, trying to catch the beat while some miserable bastard is providing the sub-par beatbox)

Me: Check it, here we go..

(Verse)
MC's make me gag when I see em', so I battle em' and beat em'/
With more ill flows than a prostitute's vaginal secretions/
Can you believe this? Bush had people thinking he knows Jesus/
Rappers tried to defeat this, but have more small talk than midget speeches/
Move crowds like telekinesis, but I'm hated like i smack spouses
I'm dope man, I rock spots until I crack-houses
Like a schizophrenic chauffeur driving you crazy, start praying to the lord/
Me and rap go back like asscracks and spinal cords
I start shit like a laxative, ever since i was a pre-teen/
"Na mean?" Verses get you higher than Crackfeins on Trampolines
I'm attackin' them, bastard men, when I break up crews like acronyms/
Your a non-masculine maggot when, you spit shit sweeter than saccharin/
I give rivals and Eyeful when I spit rap recitals/
Mc's better watch what they say like their reading subtitles/
Masturbation couldn't beat me, with rhymes cooler than freon/
Most proctologists can't understand most of the shit that I be on/

Either it was a act of arrogance, or the fact that I was tipsy as hell, I didn't even wait for any acknowledgment and walked back in the crib immediately. But that just proves something to me, that Hip Hop is purely a way of life. Until the Day that I stop existing on this earth I will be an MC. Through all the subtle racism that laces most of the criticism about Hip Hop, I will be an MC. Even if my words are the wackest ever put to paper, that won't stop me from being an MC. Being a MC isn't by any means a exclusive group, I bet most of you consider yourselves MC's as well. Hip Hop will live forever.

What, No Love?? A Handful of Underrated MC's

The following post came from a argument that I had with a "Hip Hop" journalist about old school. I said that that Super Lova Cee(of Super Lover Cee and Cassanova Rudd fame) was vastly underrated and that his rhyme style was ahead of his time. You can't front on "Girls I got em' locked" and "Do the James"! This guy quickly dismissed my opinion as irrelevant and remarked that said group was "Garbage". Its funny, but when you have a known history of violence, joking that you will "stab" someone in the "trachea with the pen that you write with for saying that dumb shit" isn't really taken as humorous. Can't anyone take a joke anymore?? Anyway, recently I have written stories about my father, my all time firsts, and other personal ramblings, lets get back to the Hip Hop.(for now)

Ludacris- I think people recognize that this man has talent, but because of his commercial success I feel that the masses sleep on the lyrical skill of this individual. Also, he makes crossover music that I am not particularly mad at, because he doesn't totally sell out and he adds some lyrical content. Down south artists are unfortunately slept on when it comes to lyricism, but no one can deny his wealth of flows, and verbal presence that he brings to each verse. Talk shit if you want, but Luda will go toe to toe with your favorite rapper, and possibly hand him his ass.


Big Boi- Its hard to get lyrical recognition when you are in a rap group, but its even harder when your band-mate is one of the most flamboyant rappers in the past few years. Andre is definitely talented, but people sleep on the lyricism of Big Boy. The guy rides a track effortlessly, and his verbal assault is hard to deny. I have seen him do guest spots on someone's record and Big Boi basically saves the track with his razor sharp flow. Even though he got a chance to shine when him and Andre dropped solo pieces within one complete album, Big boi still was overshadowed by Andre which was damn near criminal. I love Outkast, but I think Bog Boi won't get his due until he goes completely solo.


Pharoahe Monch- OK, people are scratching their head with this pick but let me explain. Everyone knows that he is Hip Hop elite when it comes to lyrics, but I just think that his name isn't mentioned enough when it comes to the best rappers in the game currently. The guy has about a million rhyme flows, and his arsenal would put fear in any rapper out there. Maybe the reason why he isn't cemented in the publics consciousness is because he has been taking his sweet time dropping another album. I don't know, but the name pharoahe Monch should be on the lips of more Hip Hop aficionados.

Malik B- People will want my head on a platter when i say this, but I actually liked malik B better than Black Thought. He mixed raw lyricism with a street sensibility. Whenever he spit rhymes you knew you were going to get Hip Hop at it's rawest form. I know that the group had problems with his behavior, missing shows, and his drug use, but its my honest feeling that The Roots haven't been the same since his departure. It seems that most great artists are damaged or have self destructive issues. Who Knows, but I hope to god that this brother gets his life together and blesses us with some quality Hip Hop that will last the test of time.


MC Ren- Even though many people will say that NWA is the reason for the current demise of Hip Hop, spawning many wannabe tough guys posing on the Mic, but I will give them a break today. With Easy E's persona, Dr. Dre's production, and Ice Cube's lyrics, it was hard for people to truly recognize the talent of MC Wren. On a lot of NWA's tracks he stood toe to toe lyrically with Ice Cube, occasionally outshining his jheri-curled bandmate. The guy had skills, but he is simply a afterthought when people mention NWA, and that is truly a shame.

Posdnuos- I absolutely love De La Soul, they are the only group that I can think of that has maintained their creativity without selling out. When all is said and done, and people look back on Hip Hop, it is a scary thought to think that De La Soul won't get the credit they deserve. The reason I think that Pos is underrated is because him and Trugoy are a perfect mixture, and they don't try to outshine each other. Pos has a aggressive delivery, inventive rhyme style, and the realism in his words is more "gangsta" than any bullshit hardcore rapper out there. The Daisy Age is indeed over, but the lyrics of this individual will last forever.

*By all means, tell me who you think should be on this list of underrated MC's. Feel free, Vent.

Bar Buddies aka "Single Serving Friends"

I was watching "Fight Club" the other day and the character that Edward Norton plays said something that caught my attention. Because his career had him traveling on a regular basis, and he frequently stayed on airplanes and in hotels, he called the people he met on his journeys "single serving friends".(Because on airplanes and in hotels you get single serving nuts, toothpaste, shampoo, etc.) I kind of feel the same way about the "bar buddies" that frequent my favorite bar. "Bar buddies" are individuals that I'm cool with inside the establishment, but there is no relationship outside said watering hole. Everyone has a story, here are a few.

Jesse: Jesse is a biker guy who has been going to my bar for quite a while, probably before I started going there. Nice dude, who almost gets excited when he sees me. Which probably wouldn't be an issue, but when I go to shake his hand he gives me a hug, for entirely too long. Besides the awkward public displays of affection, he is alright by me. recently he told me that he was getting married to a girl that frequents our bar. When I asked him who it was, and he told me, I was totally disgusted. See, the woman that he is going to marry has fucked every low-life in that bar. Her name is Mary but I call her "marijuana" because every guy in there has had a hit of that. I wanted to ask him why in the hell would he marry "that", I wanted to give him some tough love and tell him that you can't turn a ho into a housewife, but since he is simply a bar buddy I keep my mouth shut and wish him well on his future union.

Lamont: The only reason I put up with this gentleman is because he is older, and he is nice to me. But let me explain one important fact, Lamont's breath smells like Napalm. The odor that escapes his mouth could wake the dead, the bad part is that he says a shitload of "B" and "P" words so talking to him is slow torture. When you get past the shitty breath, Lamont tells so many lies it is completely laughable. Lies include: "Bruce Lee was once my personal teacher", "James Brown stole all his hits from me, I wrote those songs", "I'm the one who taught Jimmi Hendrix how to play the guitar", "Earth, Wind, and Fire" gave me a check for a million dollars for songs that I wrote for them". If his breath didn't smell like a thousand miles of shit I might find him mildly entertaining.

Jerry: 20-something clean cut republican, pretty nice guy. We get into political discussions which end up with him getting upset with me because of the colorful language I use when talking about our current president of the United States. What bothers me about Jerry is that I think he is a closeted homosexual, if he is gay that's fine I just have a problem with people who jump through hoops in order to hide it. Reason why I think he is gay. A)He has a shitload of gay friends B)He finds every opportunity to talk about women that he is "fucking", no straight man talks about sex THAT much C)He has asked me to go to gay bars "just for laughs" D)He seems to be a little bit TOO passionate about gay rights(I'm for gays having equal rights too, but I don't think I would challenge a group of men to a fight like Jerry once did)

Suzy: I have talked about her before, she is a tough but beautiful Latina that frequents my favorite bar. She talks more shit than me, and I think she would leave me with permanent scars if i ever decided to fight a woman. When I met her she used to date a guy named Larry, but that ended horribly when Suzy's husband beat Larry within a inch of his life.(I didn't know Suzy was married until that happened) She's cool, but when she gets drunk she gets belligerent and it can be rather embarrassing. The last time I saw her I wanted to beat up her husband because he thought something was going on with me and her. He gave me nasty looks all night and made a hand gesture implying that he was going to shoot me. The guy is like 5 foot, but I went over and grabbed him by the neck and asked him what his problem was. Even though Suzy hates her husband, I think my act of aggression probably ender our bar friendship.

Mark and Katie: These two individuals are a couple who have been going to the bar that I frequent for about the past few months. Mark thinks we are friends but I openly want to beat his ass. Reasons why I want to beat his ass include: 1)One time when I entered the bar he screamed, "HumanityCritic, my Nigga!!" When he did that I mushed him in the face, and told him if he ever did that that I would "kick him in the chest" 2)When he gets drunk he hugs people and becomes very belligerent 3) He beats his wife and isn't apologetic about it. His wife is cool, and i want to tell her that she should leave her husband, but because she is simply a "Bar Buddy" I turn the other way. But I have to admit though, I talk shit to Mark constantly so I would have a reason to chop that motherfucker in the throat, but he doesn't take the bait.

A Fictitious Tale about a Coffee-Shop

HumanityCritic Dictionary:

Coffee-shop- Describing any person who falsely tries to promote themselves as being "earthy". They think that growing dreadlocks, reading poetry, burning incense, and eating tofu makes them better than everyone else. Nothing is wrong with the things that I have just described, I just have a problem with anyone that does those things just to front, just to personify an image. I hate fucking posers!

It's a boring Friday night and I am driving around aimlessly for something or someone to get into. 31 is such a weird age because I feel like a old man when I go to the "21 and up" clubs, and I feel like a toddler when I go to the "30 and up" clubs.(Most of the people there are my momma's age) Then I remember hearing that this club in Norfolk that I used to go to is having a poetry night. Matter of fact my notebook is sitting right there on my passenger's side seat, it might be cool to recite some prose and try something different.

After about a 15 minute drive I reach my destination. I approach the doorman and give him the five dollar cover. He clenches his hands together, bows and says, "Peace my brother". I reply, "Peace brother! But what's all the bowing for, this ain't the Karate Kid." He gives me a strange look as I enter the establishment. As I stroll down the corridor all I see is smoke, which is getting me hyper because I know that someone has that sweet bud that they might share with a brother. As I investigate further I get disappointed, "It's motherfucking incense!! Shit!", I shout out.

As I walk in the main part of the club all I see is dreadlocks, head-wraps, dashiki's, sarongs, and any type of "coffee-shop" uniform that you can name. A brother who introduced himself as "Born Supreme" comes out of nowhere and tries to sell me some incense and candles. I politely decline. I guess because of my dreadlocks and my unshaven look of the day, people in attendance consider me as one of their own. Ladies coming up telling me how much they love my hair, touching, stroking, I usually hate that shit but when beautiful women touch your hair without asking its OK.

A dreadlocked sister who went by the name "Buttafly" starts talking to me about the importance of respecting women, honoring our black women, and the objectification of women in videos. I nod in agreement as she talks while I am looking at her nipples that are protruding through her dashiki and wondering what the chances were of me taking her home that night. While dirty thoughts race through my mind, "Born Supreme" returns asking if I want some incense. Again, I politely decline.

Across the room I see a chick that I know named Paula. We catch eyes and I waive in acknowledgment. She doesn't waive back and she gives me a brief look and looks away. Why would she diss me? What did I do to her? I know what it is! She is trying to pass herself as so "earthy" and "righteous" to the group of individuals that she was talking to, but I am the only one that knows her secret. The secret which entails her spreading her legs faster than "Dominique Dawes without drawls"(lifted from a Rass Kass lyric) We actually called her "Headdy Murphy" because her last name was Murphy and she had a love for giving "mouth hugs". Because I am a prick I scream out across the room "Headdy! Long time no see!" Her look of embarrassment was priceless.

I go to the bar and order a rum and coke. The "Bartender" tells me that they are not serving alcoholic drinks that night, that they were only serving water and natural drinks. "That is Bullshit", I say as I leave the club momentarily and get two mini bottles of Jack Daniels out of my glove compartment. I go back to the bar and order some fruity ass drink and secretly poor the contents of the mini bottles into my drink. Thats more like it!

I'm watching the poets and most of them suck complete ass. I mean, I know that poetry is a individual expression that shouldn't be judged too harshly, but fuck that. Also, I hate abstract poetry. Let me clarify, I like abstract poetry when it is done well, but it gives too many untalented fucks a chance to hide behind it and fool people into thinking that they are actually saying something. In my Abstract Poetry voice: "I visit the planet mars and discuss scripture with aliens/ I make love with the color red with every word that's said/I am water, drink me, rethink me" Get out of here with that incoherent bullshit! Every poet looked like they knew the movie "Love Jones" verbatim, posers, the whole lot of them! It just seemed to me that every female poet was doing it to seem more "Worldly", and every male poet was doing it just to get ass.

As I am watching this debacle "Born Supreme" comes back around, before he says a word I firmly say "NO!" By this time I have heard poets say things like "I don't want to make love to your body, I wanna make love to your mind", "I hate clubs, they are beneath me!", "Don't put that in your body, free yourself of the swine", and other ramblings that made me roll my eyes. So I decided to get on stage and express myself. I put my notebook down and decided to freestyle it.

I approach the microphone and say, "Hello everyone. I will be blessing you with my verbal stylings. I hope you enjoy"

In a very mocking poetry voice I perform the following piece.

Coffeeshop, where fake ass Negro's dwell/
Yall ain't serving no liquor, what the hell/
I saw Paula here, chick couldn't speak/
probably because she's a ho, and I know she's a freak/
I have dreadlocks, but don't get it twisted/
I can admit that titty's and a fat ass makes me go ballistic/
Cats hate clubs? When did being a poet stop you from being a man?/
A devout Christian would agree that seeing drunk sluts is a great plan
Brother's talking about respect, we'll see how long that lasts/
At the end of the day ladies, all men just want that ass/
Trying to be Jamaican, with all the frontin' and fakin'/
I'll eat a piece of Bacon and yell As-Salaam-Alaikum/
I eat a porkchop sandwich with a chick name Becky on my arm/
Make the DJ play Willie Nelson and scream, "This songs the bomb!"
I'd do that simply because I really don't care/
I'm going to smack somebody if another person touches my hair/
This ain't the set of ""Love Jones", yall just some pretenders
Women acting all righteous, when last year they were "backseat benders"/
I'm going to a bar because its almost last call/
To all those perpetrating a fraud, Fuck all yall!

(HumanityCritic starts to throw the mic down, but notices that they put some Hippy-like scarf around it. He screams "What the fuck" and proceeds to throw it against the wall.)

As I begin to walk out of the club I see that I have many of the women there mesmerized. They all take off their afro wigs and a weave is revealed. The dashikis and flower skirts are removed, suddenly they appear to have tight skirts, daisy dukes, extra tight shirts, and hooker boots. They follow me out of the club like I am the Pied Piper, which excites me because of the sin that will take place later. Before i reach the door "Born Supreme" stops me and starts to ask me to but some incense. I slam him against the wall and yell, "Enough with the motherfucking Incense. Jesus!!"

The End


*Even though this story is fictitious, there are some true Elements of real life people and events.(i.e Paula, the incense man, and me reciting a poem just to piss people off)

ESPN Classic Presents.. HumanityCritic's sports tales

For the past few months I have shared my most personal memories, whether it be concerning sex, my history with marijuana, songs that affected me, or how Condi Rice is a incompetent "Aunt Tomasina", injecting my personal experiences in blog form has been a huge part of the content on this site. Sports is also a big part of my life, so here are a few of my favorite sports memories.


Basketball Diaries: A friend of mine used to be in the Navy so he would always take me with him on base to play some ball. The competition was always fierce, each time there was always a scuffle that almost resulted in a all out brawl. This one time we were playing 3 on three against some pretty good ballers. One of the guys on the opposing team was like 6'6, and during the game he kept trying to dunk on people. I told him flat out, "Dude, you are not dunking on me. Sorry" Granted, I was damn near a foot shorter than him, but I wasn't being dunked on. I wouldn't get dirty and undercut him while he was in the air, risking serious injury, but I would do what I could to stop him from grabbing that rim. I guess he took it as a personal challenge because the whole game his focus was to slam it in my face. The first time he came down the lane full speed in front of me, and as soon as he began to elevate I stripped the ball. Strike one. The second time he came off of a screen, his eyes got big, and as soon as he began to plant his feet I put my elbow in his chest. Strike two. The third time he almost got me because I had turned my head just in time. He approached the rim and got a little bit off of the air as I wrapped my arms around his waste and football tackled him. He was pissed to the point that he kicked me in the face as we were on the ground. I quickly got up and threw a extremely wild punch that luckily landed very cleanly, stunning him a bit. As he stood up I have to admit I was shook because old boy was "Green Mile Negro" big, I knew that I was in store for a major beating.

Not me, my Male Ego: What do you wanna do?(hands in the fighting position)
Green Mile Negro: I ain't trying to fight up in here.
Not me, my Male ego: Yeah, thats what I thought
Humanitycritic(talking to self): Thank god, that motherfucker was about to beat my ass.

Pele I'm not: My first sports experience was when my father signed me up for recreational soccer. I must of been 6 or 7, but I was the worst soccer player ever. It was funny, even though my father was openly supportive I could tell that he wanted me to be better than I was. I never scored any goal, and most of my time on the field consisted of falling down or getting pushed around. Then all of a sudden the last game of the season I caught fire. With my old man watching my luck changed and I scored my first goal of the season. With his eyes open wide, my dad screamed in from of the coach, parents, and a shitload of toddlers, "There you go goddamn it!! Its about fucking time!" Somehow I managed to score two more goals, making my father go absolutely ballistic. When the game ended he rushed me and said the following, "Where was this talent before?? You are better than any of these motherfuckers!!."

Jump!: When I was in High School I ran Track. I was pretty quick but my specialty was the long jump, but one meet my coach needed me to high jump because we were down by a few points. I had done high jump in practice but I had never done it in a actual meet. Since I'm not the tallest guy in the world a member of the other team said, "We won now! Look who they have doing long jump". In a straight up cocky move, and a decision that angered my coach, I passed on all my attempts until they reached 6'2 because I knew that was my opponents best jump of the season. Looking back it was so stupid, not only because I had never high jumped in a competition before, but also because the height I was attempting was inches above my actual height. My opponent didn't make it to 6'2, but if I missed my attempt he would win since I didn't have a clean jump. The first attempt I missed horribly, the second attempt hit the bar. The third attempt, as my coach was fuming at my tactics, I approach the bar. I jump with all my might, and my back barely touches the bar but I successfully make it over. I run over to my opponent and yell, "Yeah motherfucker", which didn't make the principal happy. Its all good though, I was the hero that day.


Basketball Diaries 2: I was dating a girl who wanted me to go to a work function that she was going to. She always told me how her boss always acted inappropriate towards her, smacking her on the ass, calling her "Sugar", and making suggestive comments. Before we went to her function she begged me not to confront him about it so I hesitantly obliged. When we arrived they had most of the men play a pick up basketball game where her boss was on the opposite team. Early on I noticed that they were trying to take it easy ion the guy, not guarding him and giving him a clear path to the basket. "Fuck that" I thought, so I guarded him like it was the NBA championship. I'd steal the ball from him, I would forcefully back him down when I was in the low post, I'd constantly block his shot, I showed no mercy. Everyone looked at me like I was crazy but I didn't give a fuck. Looking humiliated he came up to me with a bewildered look and said "Good Game", then I smacked him on the ass and said "Good Game Sugar".