The other day I was thinking about the benefits of being an insufferable prick. A few of them include the cathartic feeling you have when you tell someone off, the priceless look you get after hitting a gentleman who didn't think that his shit talking would have him getting the business end of a fist, or any random chaos you cause when you lack a conscious. All the therapy in the world can't cure me of being an asshole, and I am secure with that fact because I only reserve my venom for the evil forces of the world.But, unfortunately, there is a definite downside to being an asshole as well. For one thing, like any asshole like me will tell you, it is damn near impossible to feel pity for myself because every bad thing that happens to me is just chalked up as "Karma". My car breaks down, it's because that time I poured sugar in that kids gas tank in high school or that time I went all "Barry Bonds" on a guy's car who ran a light and smashed mine up. My personal struggle to find quality Hip Hop, that is because the many years that I shifted into prick mode and openly told certain up and coming Hip Hop artists, to their face, that they "suck". So you can imagine the new and innovative ways that Karma puts her foot in my behind when it comes to having a relationship. A girl cheats on me, that's because that time I fucked my co-workers fiancee.(He used to beat her though, so I "beat" her in other ways. ahem.) A woman that I am courting stops calling, its because the many times that I have done the exact same thing to some miscellaneous woman who somehow found chubby black bloggers who chronically masturbate appealing. If some woman that I am dealing with loses interest in me, and begins to have the same emotional attachment that one would have to an old pair of sneakers, that is because of the countless women that I have lost interest in because of my ADD or they were simply boring the piss out of me. That's Karma folks, and that bitter broad means business.
I guess I said all of that to confront an issue my friend Brian has concerning a woman that he is currently dating. After he told me the numerous things that she did or didn't do, the words "Dude, she just not into you" escaped my mouth. I know, that guy who was on Oprah came out with that Book "He's just not that into you" where he tries to alert woman about uninterested men.(The book should have been called, "Is your ass blind?", "Stevie Wonder can see that he doesn't give a fuck about you!", or "Act like you have an I.Q above room temperature, Jackass!", because of the way he states the fucking obvious) So I thought that I would provide a helpful guide for men who really have honorable intentions, giving them some quick tips in finding out if that "special woman" really likes you or is full of shit.
Uncomfortable Conversations: If I came out and gave a blanket generalization that women could talk your ear off if you let them, there would be a lynch mob of female readers outside my house wanting to do bodily harm to me.(Or worse, burn my porn collection) But based on my personal dating experience, if a woman is really into you she will tell you how her day went, her problems with her mother, the reason she has abandonment issues, and any other random fact about her in specific detail to the point that you would expect her to pull out blueprints and shit. But I embrace a woman that likes to talk, especially during the courting period because it means that she is comfortable with me and that's a good thing. The problem lies, especially over the phone, when the uncomfortable silence becomes habitual, like when I tell women to "scram" after a 2 minute lovemaking session. It becomes more problematic when you try to invent conversation, offering her questions that require a lengthy answer, only to get 1 to 4 word responses. Personally, because I am feel as insecure and inadequate as George Bush and Dick Cheney in a room of Vietnam veterans, I start to question myself. "Am I boring her?", "Maybe she doesn't like me?", "Maybe telling her that her mother has delicious tits rubbed her the wrong way?", are some of the questions I start to ask myself. Granted, there is a chance that the woman herself could be boring as shit, but chances are that she would rather have a tonsillectomy than hang out with your ass. Take it as a loss, get a few lap dances to validate your existence as a man, then move on to someone who digs for you.
Indecent Proposal: Ladies, you know that a guy isn't marriage material if he openly talks about fucking your sister, taping the two of you having sex on film and putting it on his blog, or eating Macaroni and cheese off your body because of some weird food fetish that he has.(Take it from me, I've tried those things) It's my experience that many people, regardless of their actions, really know the difference between what is "right" and what is "wrong" in a relationship. For example, say you are a recovering alcoholic, and all she talks about is getting shitfaced with her friends and the fun she had throwing up, chances are she has the same feeling for you as she does her doormat, indifferent. If she says something like, "Oh yeah, I'm going to be hanging with my ex. I know we almost got married, but nothings going on though. Trust me. Oh yeah, did I mention that we are sleeping in the same bed, but naked, high on Ecstasy while a porn tape is playing in the background. We're just friends though!", its time for you understand that it would be easier dating a porn star, at least she would be honest about that bored look in her eyes when you are on top of her and the other men that she's fucking. Simply put, if someone brings something to your attention that wouldn't be acceptable in any other form of reality imaginable, it's probably time to get the fuck out of Dodge.
It's all about the words baby!: People reveal themselves, or their true feelings on something based on how they specifically word things. For example, I once dated a woman, when discussing our future date over the phone, would end the discussion with, "After we go out on the town, I have to go right home because I have to get up early in the morning". Basically saying, "Hey pudgy, I don't mind you spending your cash on me, but if you think I'm letting you nakedly sweat on me for a few uninteresting moments you have another thing coming!!" Someone saying how "cool" you are, constantly insisting on "lunch dates" instead of "dinner dates", their openness about guys that hit on her, and shit like that are pretty good signs that she rather tell you about guys she's fucking instead of letting you take over that particular job. Women are also more visual, and have a very Nostradamus view of their future, so if in a conversation she says something like, "What kind of woman do you see being with next? What type of woman do you think you want?" Huh?? I thought WE were dating, I want YOU, I thought me spending 200 dollars for dinner and not having sex showed you that YOU'RE my type asshole. It's all about the words, just listen closely.
Body Language: I love women, besides their wisdom and their grace, they are sensual beings in all aspects of the word. Whenever I have dated a woman that actually liked my brand of bullshit, if I was to put my arm around her or hold her hand, my advances were welcomed. For women who find said advances frightening, even if they don't say anything verbally, their body language gave it away immediately. Like this one time I was dating a woman and went in for a kiss, she turned her head like I was a complete stranger.(Full disclosure: I had just came from a strip club where a dancer, mistakenly and rather innocently, rubbed her vaginal piercing on my face. This could have been the reason, but I don't particularly think so.) Or this one time that I attempted to hold the hand of a woman that I was with one night, she yanked her hand in disgust while giving me a menacing look. It's all about body language.(Full Disclosure again: She had just witnessed me getting a number. In a club that she frequents. The woman was a nemesis of hers. But that couldn't have been it though) But seriously, the body language that they give off while in your presence says everything.
In no particular rush: There are many highly intelligent women who read this blog, of many walks of life and different backgrounds, so what I am about to say is based solely on personal experience. But, would I be wrong, based on that personal experience, to say that women are more eager to enter a relation than men? Looking back at the women that I would one day call my girlfriend, they were ready to label it a "relationship" a lot longer than I was. Fellas, if after a few months you are the one that wants to stomp the gas pedal on the relationship highway and she keeps putting on the emergency break, she's probably not that into you. I know there are many reasons why a woman might not want to pursue relationships, but if there isn't a real good reason given and you feel yourself dangling in limbo like Usher's acting career, you might want to reassess your current situation. This one woman acted so indifferent about any future we would have together or me as a man, I felt that I was bugging the shit out of her, damn near on a stalker level.(I didn't even send her love letters in blood, or camp out in front of her house. Sorry Rosario) So men, if you have a history of avoiding relationships the same way Courtney Love avoids showers, and you are dating a woman who treats the prospect of a relationship with you with the same indifference one would have towards neckties, assume two things: 1. Karma has her stiletto lodged in a very hidden orifice of yours and 2: She's just not that into you.
The other day, as I rambled about politics at a local watering hole that I frequent, a young woman overheard my conversation posed a question that has stuck to me like Tom Cruise and gay rumors. As I talked about Dick Cheney's 5 Vietnam deferments and how he doesn't the right to question anyone's "backbone", the dirty campaigning that was run by Jerry Kilgore here in Virginia that cost him the election, and a few other random political tidbits, she asked: "Have you ever thought about getting into politics?? Don't you want to be president one day?" I laughed it off at first, rambled something about "not wanting to get assassinated while giving my presidential acceptance speech", and kept buying her shots hoping that I would do things with her that would force me to the clinic in a paranoid fit of hypochondria. After she had thrown up and told me that she was a lesbian, it finally sunk in that I would spend another lonely masturbatory night at home. When I got home and opened my porn closet(angelic music actually comes on when I open the door) and tried to figure out which selection would be best used for "stroke material"(They are all alphabetized by the way), the question that she posed popped back into my head. I thought about all the perks being the President would bring my way, but reality, being the cruel motherfucker it is, crept up on me and I realized that I could never be president. Here are a few reasons why.
There is a sex tape of me floating around: Well, maybe. A girl that I was casually seeing did something that no woman before or since has agreed to do with me, have sex on tape. I remember asking her about it, awaiting her to say what every woman says, "No way, what if it gets out!!". So you can imagine my surprise when she agreed to do it, and since she had a video camera we were half way there and shit. But as the realization of having sex on tape set in, pre-mature ejaculation, the camera adding 15 pounds, questionable technique, growling sounds when I "climax", asking my lover to sing the Umpa-Loompa song as I reciprocate oral, so I didn't bring it up again and desperately hoped that she would forget about it. Fast forward a month later, after we had both attended her friends birthday party where I was high as a kite, she taped our lovemaking session that particular night. I mean, that's what she said, because of the mixture of Jack Daniels, melted Hops, some jello shooters and marijuana, I couldn't remember that night if you held a gun to my head. I felt that I should be pissed by her violating me in such a way, not being told that I was being recorded, expressing my outrage that she would do such a thing. But I came to my senses, realized that I am a lecherous prick and quickly got over it.
Incriminating pictures: I had a friend named Nancy who is a photographer who I have known most of my life. She is talented, and her career has taken off and I couldn't be happier. Sort of. If I ever decide to run for office she could be one of the main reasons that my political career will be derailed by would be saboteurs. See, Nancy had documented our friendship over the years with pictures that she has taken with the both of us, or me, in various situations. The pictures are a work of art, not based on my miserable mug but her talent, the problem is that some of them show me doing things that I'm not proud of. She has a lovely picture of me smoking weed at a birthday party one year, along with one where I am rolling up a joint laughing hysterically. Even though this particular photo was one of me being silly, but she has a picture of me after I put some flower on my face acting like I was in a coke induced fit. Not to mention a lovely array of photographs of scuffles that I have gotten into when she was around, the one of me hitting a dude in a Santa Claus Costume at a Christmas Party is quite festive. The real problem is that Nancy and I had a falling out because I had told her that she shouldn't marry a guy who I thought was a douche bag, and when I turned out to be right I think she resented me for it. Listen, I'm not saying that Nancy would sell those photos to cripple my campaign, but I have learned never to put anything past anyone.
I'm Single: I have come to the conclusion that I will probably be single for the rest of my life. I'm not against marriage, I actually would embrace spending the rest of my life with someone, but when I look at my idiosyncrasies and how irritated people make me I just can't see it. My paranoia and distrust of people is pretty crippling, and sometimes I feel that people I like don't feel the same way about me, so I will possibly be "the old guy in the club" as Chris Rock so succinctly put it. That being said, I just feel that people wouldn't elect a president that was single in my honest opinion. That's probably a good thing though, because the press would go crazy photographing miscellaneous women getting kicked out of the White House at all hours of the night, half dressed. Or reporters, instead of asking me serious political questions about trade agreements or nuclear arms, they would ask, "So, what's up with Mariah Carey?? She said you dumped her, thoughts??" I can really see me letting my supporters down when I address my republican critics with a speech entitled, "Don't worry about who I'm fucking!!" A nuclear strike might occur if I haven't had some in a while and was on edge. Plus, people would hate interviewing me, because after each interview I might tell the reporter, "Nice tits, what are you doing later??" Not really presidential.
My inability to let things go: When you think of a Commander in Chief you think of someone with integrity, maturity, and a level of diplomacy that is virtually unparalleled. The problem that I see with being the future president of the United States is that I would want to retort anything said about me, either by using insults or threats of violence. Fidel Castro decides that he wants to make some fiery speech condemning me, I simply hold a press conference where in it I say something equating to "That old man doesn't want to get his geriatric ass beaten." Kim Jong Ill decides to threaten the United States in a very subtle manner, I set up a peace conference where I travel all the way to some neutral location to meet him, get in the same room together and put him in a full nelson, screaming "What was that shit you were talking again? Say that to my face you deranged fuck!!" If my presidential opposition decides to say some slick shit to me while we are in the middle of a debate, I don't really see how me jumping over his podium to get to him or threatening to shove a microphone up his ass will get me elected.
As a hyperactive kid with the attention span of Robin Williams on cooked cocaine, nothing soothed my restless soul the way professional wrestling did. The same way being under the influence of something given to me by a local horticulture aficionado while watching a strippers breasts affects me now, nothing held my fascination like grown ass men hitting each other with chairs and shit. I can't tell you how many adolescent douche-bags I put a 
Over the past year, besides the haters and overall miscreants, I would say that there are more positives than negatives when it comes to having a blog. The cool people you encounter, the interesting blogs that you are introduced to, I don't have much to complain about when it comes to documenting my life on the world wide web. Except, I have one tiny complaint that has haunted me a few times, because people that I know who read my blog interrupt me during my stories because they have read about it already. Nothing makes you feel more uninteresting, and geeky by the way, then to have someone interrupt you and say, "Wait, didn't I read that in your October 13th entry??" Recently I had my eye on one of my cousins friends, with visions of inappropriately smacking her ass mid coitus, knowing that it would be over rather quickly but acting like a stallion for approximately 2 minutes and 35 seconds.(Yes, I have timed myself) Well, when I tried to dazzle her with one of my rogue-like philosophies that I figured would amaze her to no end, she said that she had already heard that on my blog. FUCK!!
Tongue in ear: Ever since experiencing those stolen moments of "first girlfriend" bliss with Marie Rivera, I learned that nothing makes me more uncomfortable than a tongue my ear. I guess a lot of people like this ritual, having a slippery object in your ear squishing around like putting your eardrum in a car-wash, but personally nothing will make me move my head faster than a woman attempting this on me. Besides me just flat out hating it, I would say that being a germaphobe contributes to this dislike, having the nastiest part of your body(mouth) entering a part of the body that has to rank somewhere near the mouth on that particular list. I dated a girl once that felt that she just "had" to do that to me, it was a need, like she had a compulsive disorder or something. Sadly, more times than not I let her do it while I suffered in silence, sort of like a prison rape minus the anal thrusting part. I didn't appease her because I wanted to do whatever I could and be an unselfish lover, sacrificing for the greater good of promoting an orgasm in said lover, I simply did it because she had great tits and for a blogger who masturbates like mad there was no telling when I would get an opportunity like that one again.
Hair Pulling: Looking back on my sexual experiences all I can do is laugh when I think of specific women and their over emotional reactions during sex. The scratching, excessive breathing, and even one time being called "Black Jesus" mid coitus is laughable, but also acceptable. But one thing that I can do without, regardless of how hot the woman is, is hair pulling. Granted, I know that I have grown my locks for 10 years and they are so long that I was recently heard uttering the phrase "you know your hair is getting too long when you have to adjust your hair to wipe your ass!", that doesn't mean I give you permission to pull my hair. Some women get off on in, and they get off on my disapproval even more, prompting one woman to say "Get mad, that's right!" like she was a fucking dominatrix. I not only detest my hair being pulled because it being uncomfortable, but also because it makes me feel like someones bitch.(For someone that is insecure about his size, and the fact that a girl that I was dating was looking at baby pictures with my mom which prompted her to say "Ms. Critic, he is the same size now!!" as both of them laughed hysterically, a brother has maintain a masculine image.)
Body Food: Hey, I'm as freaky as the next guy, I am totally for using whipped cream on women, especially if they have been tested for every STD imaginable and I have talked to everyone that she has ever had sex with.(That's the Germaphobe in me) But sometimes the shit can get out of hand, women bringing so many toppings in the bedroom making a brother feel like a dreaklocked Sundae. Like this one time a woman I was dating used chocolate, whipped cream, sprinkles, Ice cubes, wax, for some reason butter, my body looked like I had just been molested in Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. Things got worse because after you mixed all of those things together it starts to resemble vomit somewhat, a fact that made me sick and lose my lunch on the back of the woman who called herself being "sexually creative".(If you want a woman to never answer your calls, or emails, Morse code, or smoke signals, just vomit on her. Trust me, it works.)
Inappropriate moaning: When you tell a joke to a group of people and one of them laughs a bit too much, don't you want to say "Come on you douche-bag, that shit wasn't that funny"? Well, I can't claim to always know when a woman is faking an orgasm, primarily because you fuckers could win an Oscar for that shit, but I don feel that I can't spot a few "mailed in" performances though. Like this one time that I was having sex with a co-worker(which is wrong for the obvious reasons, but also because your co-workers suddenly start calling you Arsenio "Small" Ala the "Martin" show, which is a definite downside) While I was stroking in a way to make Ron Jeremy proud, or possibly to invoke pity from him, she was yelling like her fucking hair was on fire. At first I thought I was handling my business in a way that only a black blogger could, but after a while I saw past her rouse and figured out that she was faking her pleasurable outbursts. Even though I caught that specific culprit, it makes me wonder how many women I inappropriately giggled at thinking that they were faking it when the whole time she was dead serious. That kind of sucks, but I guess it just add to the "asshole" image so I'm OK with that.
Shut your ass up!!: I guess this sort of files under the "moaning" category also, but excessive talking irritates the piss out of me. I can deal with ramblings that are posed that don't require a specific answer like "Deeper!", "That's the spot baby", "It's yours", or my favorite "I could have used my finger and did more damage than you are doing" But the problem is when people expect answers to questions, like this one time when a chick asked "Do you like this baby??", me thinking that she was just spewing out random sex talk. I knew she wanted a definitive answer when she grabbed me by the head, looked me in the eyes and said "Do-you-like-this-baby??" like I was three years old and shit. I stopped and said, "Yeah I like it, now shut the fuck up asking me questions like I'm in High School.I suddenly feel like I am taking the S.A.T test all over again." But come to think about it I'm pretty anti-social anyway, I'm surprised that I spoke enough to get that woman in a position(pun intended) to have sex with me in the first place, so answering questions during sex is out.
Post game wrap-up: I am a kinder and gentler HumanityCritic, I know that most woman want to be held after sex. I mean, I don't particularly get it and think that me not leaving promptly should be enough of a sign of affection. But, the sensitive guy that I am, I throw my arm over whoever I am with post-sex long enough that they don't think that I am a total scumbag. So yes, I go the extra mile for my ladies. But one thing that I hate is constant post coitus chatter. I mean, I understand that some talking will take place, it's not like I insist that we sit in silence like we are meditating or some shit. It is just when whoever you are with wants to have a full fledged conversation, attacking you with machine like accuracy, making you think about things seriously, something that you don't want to particularly do. A brother has bigger things to worry about like "I hope that rubber didn't have a leak", "Why did this broad have so many condoms in her drawer, does that mean she is loose?", "I wonder if she achieved orgasm during our 3 minutes if fucking", and "I sure hope my Lakers do well this year". Important issues like that have to be thought about and analyzed, I don't want to talk Geo-politics or the women at work that want to get you fired.
*radio commercial starts*
HumanityCritic: Hey folks, welcome to my radio show on WTCF(Throatchop fuckers) FM. Today I will be doing something a bit different, I will be taking some of your calls. The topic of the say is "Disgruntled Employees", so for anyone sick and fucking tired of their job currently, or if just want to call and bitch about something random, feel free. The numbers here is 555-8798, let your voice be heard. (looking down at control board) Wow that's quick, we have our first caller. Caller, where are you calling from?
Caller: Well, no. I just wanted to tell you that me, along with a few other people who will remain anonymous, hate your fucking blog!!
Caller:My name is Albert Wentworth, the "fat" moniker is for the show, get it right asshole. I have plenty of reasons to complain, for one thing I seem to be the butt of everyone's jokes, I have to wear the same shit every episode, and because of how I am portrayed I get hit on by guys when I'm in public. Even though I love the ladies with a passion, People think I'm gay!!
Caller: OK. It's downright embarrassing, always falling for the "hiding football" trick is getting so fucking tired. I know Shultz tried to make me the "lovable loser" and everything, rest in peace, but it has wrecked my sex life. When getting ready to make love, if one more chick moves her vagina away giggling before insertion, I'm going to shoot myself.
The Good: Being the television lover that I am, I have been quite disappointed with many of the shows that have come out over the past couple of years. But this season, a show has come on that I think is remarkably funny and well written. That show, is "
The Bad: I know that Comedy Central is probably feeling the effects from their post Chappelle Hangover, so I can see where they might be in a transitional period. But, in my opinion, if you are a television executive you should stay away from Adam Carolla at all cost. A few weeks ago, probably due to my insomnia or waiting to touch myself to late night "Skinamax", I caught "Too Late with Adam Carolla". I have to say, this guy is as funny as a prison rape, which makes me wonder how he got this gig. Usually the audience will work with you and give you "pity laughter" even if you suck, but this miserable bastard is so unfunny that the show is filled with uncomfortable pauses from the audience.(I know that sound, its the same sound I hear after I tell a lover, "That was great, you can go now, I don't believe in reciprocity) I don't know what executives' body part Mr. Carolla had to put his mouth on to get said gig, but I don't think a mouth-hug exists that is so good for him to keep his job.
The other day I was asked to guest appear on a "Posse Cut" that would be on my friend Alex's demo, he is an up and coming rapper. What is a "Posse Cut" you ask? It's a Hip Hop song where different artists or groups come together to release their verbal stylings over that particular track. Anyways, I spent a week crafting my verse, injecting metaphors, similes, perfecting my delivery, even sprinkling a little bit of alliteration over said verse. I get to the studio with an arrogance that Terrel Owens would cringe at as I proceeded to record my verse like it was the best thing since collard greens or Internet porn. When we all heard the finished product I was sort of happy with my performance even though I did sound like a 13 year old Caucasian boy, but that could be my "gimmick" and make me millions and shit. As we sat there, between trying to keep a mental checklist of who had the best verse, I reminisced about some of my favorite Posse cuts that I feel are the best of all time. With this list, as with most of my opinions on Hip Hop, people will definitely disagree with many of my choices. But then again I am a black man that skateboards, loves Hip Hop, has a crush on Janeane Garofalo, digs Kevin Smith movies, and masturbates with the same passion of a man that has recently been told that they are about to amputate his "stroke" hand, so I am used to people not following my path.(Sidenote: My mother called and asked what I was writing and I told her that I was doing a post about "Posse Cuts". She replied, "Why in the world would you want to talk about the abrasions on a woman's vagina??" I said "POSSE" cuts Ma, "POSSE")
"The Symphony":(Craig G, Masta Ace, Kool G Rap, Big Daddy Kane): This by far is my favorite Posse Cut of all time, probably considered a favorite to most people who call themselves Hip Hop purists. When this song came out I was in High School, listening to this track over and over, reciting the verses verbatim like I was a actual member of the "Juice Crew". The piano loop, the head-nodding drum pattern, it made it pretty easy for a novice MC like myself to perfect my rhyme style whenever this song was playing. From Marley Marl's classic "I don't care who's first or whose last" intro, Masta Ace's effortless opening verse, Craig G holding it down with his precise verse, Kool G rap bringing lyrical terror with his contribution, and Big Daddy Kane taking it home with a line that I would quote until this day: "Put a quarter in your ass 'cause you played yourself" Over the years I consistently thought that Kane had the best verse, but now I obviously see that Kool G Rap's verse reigns superior.("Making veterans run for medicine/ cause I put out more lights in a fight than Con Edison" That's beautiful man) This song is also the cause for me saying something that would get me labeled a "dickhead" for life. See, a local artist got into a beef with Masta Ace, one of the MC's on this song, to the point that they battled and the rapper in question(Boogie) was supposedly the victor. One of his boys was telling me about it, bragging about how Boogie took out Masta Ace, all this was flashing a shit eating grin. I shut him up when I said the following. "But at the end of the day, Masta Ace will still be Masta Ace, the guy in one of the best Posse Cuts ever, and Boogie will be some bastard who never made it, telling his kids about a legend he 'once battled'. Fuck Boogie!" Yes, I'm an asshole
"Scenario":(A Tribe Called Quest, Leaders of the New School) No song that I know of, whether I am talking to a woman kind enough to consider showing me her naked body, or me shitfaced talking shit to some miscellaneous asshole, will get me on the dance-floor and propel me back to 1992 like this joint. Two of my favorite groups at the time, A Tribe Called Quest and Leaders of the New School, got together on this song and made bona fide hip Hop history. That driving beat, that deep baseline, and the way that each MC slides over the track with a sort of graceful fury that leaves me astounded to this day. I still remember the Spike Lee directed video, which I still think was revolutionary and ahead of its time. Most people that I know, myself included, agree that Busta's verse was the best of all because of the way the song seemed to build up to his part. I'm not sure about this, but didn't Busta land his solo deal based on him performing this song on the Arsenio Hall show?? This song was my shit, but I always found a strange parallel between Tribe and Leaders because they both had members that hardly did anything, or in Tribe's case a member that was gone after the first album.(see jarobi and Milo) 
"Headbanger"(EPMD, K-Solo, Redman): Whenever I hear this song I want to put on a black hoody, regardless of the weather, and walk through a crowd of people and randomly shove miscellaneous individuals. It's not good for a Hip Hop advocate to admit this, primarily giving douche-bag right wing pundits ammo for their inbred arguments, but this song hypes me up and urges me to do bad things man.(which is a good thing) Even the intro is classic with with Redman screaming "Negro's!!", something I still do whenever I am going somewhere with my family and I want to get them out the door.(Something my mother hates by the way.) The dark track, the hard kick drum, Parrish's traditional "slow flow", Eric's trademark lisp, "Letterman" himself K-Solo, and a all out verbal terrorist strike by Redman that al Qaeda would want the schematics to. Out of all the Posse Cuts on the list, no one separates himself lyrically superior on a particular track than the way Redman does on "Headbanger", Classic Hip Hop material.
"Live at the Barbecue":(Nas, Fatal, Akinyele, Large Professor) Besides liking the song based on its merit, the title of it always seemed fitting to me because it sounds like a group of friends rhyming together at a cookout.(Albeit with one of the greatest rappers alive in attendance and a hall of fame producer in attendance.) The way the song started out implied that chaos was about to ensue, then when you heard Nas' opening verse you knew that this track would stay burned in your brain for years. I mean, with lines like "Verbal assassin, my architect pleases/ When I was twelve, I went to hell for snuffin Jesus/" and "Kidnap the President's wife without a plan/ And hangin niggaz like the Ku Klux Klan", you knew what you were hearing was historic. With Fatal holding it down, Akinyele and the way he used to accentuate the last word of each of his rap lines, and Large Professor showing off his lyric skill that we all expected from him with lines like "Why's my name the Large Professor?/ Cause I milked your cow in other words I hit your heffer." (Even though the part where he says, "Secondly, I'm sick of critics, who's neckin' me/ (Oooh he got an afro) yo, but I got dough!!" makes me laugh and I don't know why.) I have been to about 60 cookouts since this song was released and I still haven't been to a barbecue like this one.
"Buddy":(Jungle Brothers, A Tribe Called Quest, De La Soul, Monie Love, Queen Latifah): Whenever I hear this song I want to pull out my African medallions and wonder what I did with my Native Tongues application. Maybe you guys can clear something up for me about this song, what exactly is it about? I mean, I know its about something sexual, but is it a specific male organ, female organ, sex "buddy", sex in general, or all the above? But the laid back track and the way that the artists on this song talk about sex in very abstract ways, it makes you wonder why Hip Hop couldn't be like this again. I like when Pos says "Now when Tribe, the Jungle, and De La Soul Is at the clubs our ritual unfolds/ Grab our bones and start swingin' our hands..", but when I do that it is usually with a unsatisfied lover as I assure her that "this never happens to me." 
"I'm the Man":(Guru, lil dap, Jeru the Damaja): This pick probably isn't one that anyone will agree with me on, but this is one of my personal favorites. I think it is DJ Premier's production, the way the track switches up and smacks you in the face, or the gritty underground feeling you get after hearing it like feeling like you have to take a shower after playing it. On this track was the introduction, to most people, to the man that would bring the Hip Hop classic "Come Clean" to us, Jeru the Damaja. Lil Dap isn't the most impressive MC ever, I even at one time was quoted as saying that Premiere doing production for his group was like "putting a Brooks Brothers suit on a turd", but even he sounded decent on this particular track 
"Don't Curse"(Heavy D, Kool G Rap, Grand Puba, CL Smooth, Big Daddy Kane, Pete Rock, Q-Tip): I don't know what it is about this song, whether it is the eclectic array of rappers that were assembled, if I actually like the song, or the fact that Heavy D convinced Kool G Rap not to spray the public with profanities. Kool G Rap, a guy whose line "I'll bust a nut, get up, and wipe my dick on your curtain" is what I have mistakenly uttered to many women post coitus. Also the man that has said, talking about throwing a man out of a 20 story window then shooting him, "Up, Up Up and away cause I don't play clown/ Buck, Buck, Buck, take that with you on the way down!" Maybe I'm making too much of it, but it must have taken G Rap all the energy that he could muster to be a part of this collaboration. This track also proves, to a person like myself that uses curse words regularly, that you don't need to be vulgar to make classic Hip Hop.(Two people in the track, CL Smooth and Heavy D, rarely if ever used curses in their raps.) The video sticks out in my mind, not only because it was good to see all those MC's together, but because Big Daddy Kane was wearing an extremely tight purple paisley shirt, sporting an arm cast.(Too funny)
A funny thing happened to me yesterday as I listened to random Hip Hop tunes, worked on my book, and played Madden 06' on PlayStation(I'm a multi-tasker), I got a call from a "private" number. One to screen calls like a motherfucker, I avoid calls marked private primarily because they are telemarketers, just plain bad news if you ask me. But recently, and I don't know why, my sister who lives in Scranton Pa has been calling and for some reason her number has came up "private", so as I looked at the phone and figured I'd take a gamble. I picked it up and heard a familiar voice on the other end, a woman that I have dated off and on for a while. Listen, I won't bash her, and I was a bona fide asshole through our tenure together, but I think me meeting her right after a break up and me not really ever being seriously into her led to my indifference somewhat.
A funny thing happened to me while I was shopping for 
This posts inspiration: After my 5 year relationship ended I mistakenly tried to rush back into the relationship game, so I dated a plethora of women. One of the women that I dated was a woman named Deidre, who is an apiring actress and poet, and she kind of favors a poor man's Lisa Bonet. Anyway, I met her through a friend and she was intriguing, in an artsy-fartsy kind of way, and she seemed that she would be a bona fide freak. As we talked, initially I imagined whips, chains, and her drawing on my body with edible body paint that she would quickly eat off. Those visions of grandeur quickly vanished when she told me that she had recently vowed some sort of "oath of celibacy", and that she was saving herself for marriage. Being that I would never purchase a car if I couldn't testdrive it first, I decided that this was a woman that I didn't want to invest that much time in. I even remember jokingly telling her, "I bet if you let me unlock your chastity belt, you might go all psycho on me anyways, stalking me and shit". We both laughed, her because I guess she found what I said funny, me because I knew that 2 minute lovemaking wouldn't change anyones mental health state, but boy did my joke come to life. 
Janet, the Neighbor's friend: I guess it is common knowledge that you shouldn't date a neighbor, well I should have realized that dating the friend of a neighbor is just as stupid. My neighbor has these Poker parties where I go to, talk shit, and take money off of assholes who are too stupid to realize that I am cheating my ass off. Well, my neighbors friend named Janet had picked up on scam, not only because I wasn't being too subtle about my "technique" but also because she used to be a dealer in Vegas some years ago. She confronted me about what I was doing after everyone had left and said that only one thing could keep her quiet. I figured that she meant "hush money", so I pulled it out hoping that she wouldn't bribe the fuck out of me in the future. Actually, she wanted me to escort her to some ritzy ass work function that her job was having, and that would be enough to keep her mouth shut. I agreed, plus she was fine as fuck so it was hardly a punishment. So we went, had a great time, didn't even throat-chop her boss that said, "Wow, he is so intelligent and articulate" like a black man can't successfully string a complete sentence together.
High School Stalker: The first female that was goodly enough to sleep with me on a regular basis was a classmate of mine in High School named Tanya. She was pretty cool, we dated for a while, she would even come to most of my track practices, which was sort of sweet. But, that is the first time that I realized that I get bored easily because I soon felt irritated and smothered. I didn't want to break up with her, just that she shouldn't come to my practices so much because we spent all our time together anyways. In a move that would prove to be mindnumbing, she took my suggestion as us "breaking up" and then proceeded in fucking some asshole who was in my homeroom class.(I never understood the whole, "I'm going to fuck a guy who I don't really know to get back to you. That should show you!!!" Huh?) So since I didn't go crazy, and promptly started dating a girl from a nearby high school who was hotter than fish grease, she turned into my very first stalker. She started telling people that we were still dating, spreading that same rumor at the school of the new girl I was dating, shit like that. To add insult to injury she was cool with my mom and my sister, so when I told them that she was crazy they thought I was joking.(That is the bad thing when you try to funny all the damn time.)
For the past few months I have been corresponding with a brilliant young woman out of New Jersey named Maria. Being that she is 17 years old I was hesitant to engage in an intellectual back and forth with her, not because she isn't up to it, but in the age of on-line pedophiles and the time I accidentally browsed some "barely legal" porn a while back, a brother has to watch his step. But, because I am a punk, and will basically give you my social security number if you say that you "like my blog", I began to correspond with this teenager in question.(Even though, at the end of each of my emails I would have a tag-line saying, "I'm not a sexual deviant! How could I, I have a crush on Janeane Garofalo for Christs sake!!" I know, my paranoid ass.) Anyway, Maria is just getting through a 2 year battle with cancer, so not only do I admire her brilliant young mind but also a courageousness that I will never know.
How do you feel about Interracial Dating?: Like many things in life, I feel that people should be able to do what they want to do. I mean, why do you care who people chose to date. I remember a friend of mine in High School tried his best to date a chick named Keisha who not only turned him down but publicly ridiculed him in the process. So you can imagine my amazement when my friend started dating a person of another race, and Keisha got all upset like my friend betrayed her. What the fuck is that about? My brother-in-law is a white man, and when he planned on marrying my sister I told him that if he fucked up I would "beat him to death with a bag of sodas" and "bury his ass in the middle of a motherfucking desert". But then again, it wasn't because he was white, I would have said that to any asshole planning to marry my sister to be totally honest. The other day my friend Calvin asked me why I hadn't really dated outside my race and I gave him this answer: "It isn't based on race, I don't want to be the one to ruin the myth!!" Calvin said, "What do you mean??" I said, " I would hate to hear some woman point at my genitalia and scream, "The myth isn't true!! You mean my family stopped talking to me because of THAT!!!"
What's you take on Abortion?: Wow Maria, this is probably the paragraph where people stop reading my blog, but no guts no glory they say. For anyone who is pro-choice, the misconception is that you somehow are "Pro-abortion" which is totally different. As a man, I feel funny even talking about this because I think that the male species should stay out of women's vagina's. For people who are religious and are anti-abortion, I understand your stance, but I just can never fully understand people caring so much about other people's genitalia. If Abortion was to one day be outlawed, it would be like it was back in the day when it was only available to the rich, and you would see a bunch of back-alley abortion places popping up. I guess my beliefs strengthened in college, when I knew a guy who was a hardcore anti-abortion activist that ended up bombing a clinic and killing 5 people.(Kind of throws a monkey wrench in the whole "cherishing life" argument.) But then again, like Scooter Libby talking to a reporter, I think I've said to much.
What do you hate black conservatives so much?: Primarily because the are used as "props" for other republicans as a sign of the parties "Diversity" and it is kind of sickening. The same way a few years back when Fuzzy Zoeller made those racist statements about Tiger Woods eating "chicken and watermelon", to prove that he wasn't racist he carted out a black guy he called his "friend". Or this one time when I was switching channels and saw a black conservative woman on Bill O'Reilly's show discussing the negative effects of Hip Hop. This lady could have had legitimate arguments concerning the negativity in Hip Hop, but while she was agreeing with Bill like a house pet, she failed to understand that he was coming from a entirely different place in his "critiques" of said artform. Some people will say, "The Democrats aren't that great when it comes to black people as well, they take black folks for granted." Maybe so, but it is like being in jail and having the choice of two jailhouse roommates, one that occasionally puts his arm around you in a uncomfortable way, or one that wants to anaaly rape you. Both are fucked up, but god dammit there is a difference!! I have tried to understand the black conservative, hearing their explanation for being one because they like "smaller government" and hate "tax and spend democrats". Well guess what Tom(as in Uncle), this administration isn't "small" and these assholes are "taxing and spending" like a motherfucker!! So why are you a black conservative again? I kind of feel sorry for them though, because like the House negro who sings the praises of their master even though they are mistreated, or the battered housewife that is too scared to leave her husband and makes excuses for his sorry ass, it's all a shame.
What are your thoughts on Gay Marriage?: Again, why should I care what two people want to do with their lives. I know you have heard the same tired bullshit, "But they are sacrificing the sanctity of marriage!" Give me a fucking break, with the current divorce rates and television shows like "What silly ninny shithead wants to Marry my Dad?", the "sanctity of marriage" is unintentionally funny like Lil Kim's performance in "You got Served!!" Not to go off on a tangent here, but the "gay" issue was the main reason why more black folks voted for Bush this time, and all those "sweaty fucking preachers" endorsed that "Asshat in Chief". Their sermons probably went like this: "Ladies and Gentleman of this fine church, I know that many of you are struggling financially. Many of you have loved ones in Iraq, can't pay your bills, and all the programs that this president is cutting is pretty deplorable. Oh yeah, he is also like the worst environmental president by the way. But you vote for him for one reason, because if you don't ALL THE QUEERS WILL GET MARRIED!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!" I suddenly feel like Lawrence Fishburn in "School Daze", People "Wake Uuuuup!!"
This should be good, How do you feel about George W. Bush?: Maria, the man is a pair of fucking clown shoes to be totally honest. One of his first speeches, referencing the outgoing Clinton administration, he said that he would "usher in an era of personal responsibility." What a joke that he turned out to be, since the guy lacks the "minerals" to take responsibility for anything that has gone wrong so far. It's kind of funny when you think about the past couple of years, Katrina, gay Escort Jeff Gannon, a badly going war, Harriet Miers, Tom Delay, soaring gas prices, leaking of a C.I .A agents name, "Scooter" Libby, and a plethora of other shit. Then it gets even funnier when you think of all the bullshit fed to the public from this White House, "John Kerry looks french", "Either you're with us or against us", "Freedom Fries", "He was for it before he was against it", the Swift-boat vets, and whatever vomit inducing drivel you could rattle off. You know you are a world class fuck up when you have nut-bags like Ann Coulter and Pat Buchanan coming out against you.
