Thursday, June 30, 2005

Bartender, Can I Get a Black Russian Please??(A Weird Night Out on the Town)

It's funny how so much can happen in the course of one night. A couple of weekends ago my friend Danny and I had went out for our normal drunken night out on the town. Trying to avoid all the bars that we have been to a million times, and mentally eliminating the ones that I am banned from for life, we decide to go to some drinking establishments that we hardly ever go to. First we go to a watering-hole named the "Red Star Bar", a very trendy bar located in what my city calls the "downtown of Virginia Beach." We sat down at the bar and had a few drinks, where Danny started to tell me too much information about his marriage. Right when I was about to tell him to change the topic, I notice a beautiful woman to my immediate left smiling at me, giving me a very sensuous look. I get hit on by attractive women at times, but since I have recently been getting hit on by women who look like Biz Markie, lets just say that I was physced. After minutes of her smiling at me, batting her eyes, proving to me that she wants me to talk about her on my blog, she approached me. She leans over, taps Danny's arm, and asks him "Do you think I can get a cigarette?" I wasn't phased, maybe that was her way of gathering up enough courage to come over, I thought her "around the way approach" was cute. Then she said, "I had to find a reason to come over and talk to you!" I smiled and pointed to my chest as to ask "Me?", she quickly shook her head and said "No, your boy!"

Wow, I felt foolish as this Gabrielle Union look-alike sat beside Danny and told him how much he "looked like Brad Pitt." I don't get jealous in these situations, or even "hate" as some people might say, but I immediately wanted to blurt out: "Hey Girl, he is married and has two kids. Not only that he listens to Rush Limbaugh and is a big George Bush supporter" I even thought about lying by saying, "He used to be a member of the clan, who burned over a thousand crosses in peoples yards. The only reason we are hanging out is so he can get used to hanging with non-whites!" I quickly snapped out of "hate" mode and sat there as she asked me questions, inviting me to her Danny "courting" session. Surprisingly, Danny immediately tells her that he is married which didn't really work since this beautiful girl, during the course of our time there, flashed him her tits a few times saying that his union with his wife didn't matter to her. Even though I like seeing breasts like every other scumbag of the male species, I knew we had to get out of there before Danny one day recalls a story about a "fine ass black girl that he fucked in front of a bar once." As we were leaving, and it was clear to her that Danny wasn't falling for her advances, she inquires about me and my relationship status. I have to admit, I got an immediate "chubby" just thinking about giving this girl the most premium 2 minutes of her life, but then I decided against it. It felt like being someones second choice when asked to the prom, or being picked for a basketball team solely because you are the only person left. I refused, but in total nerd fashion I gave her my blog address. So if she is reading this I have a message for her: "You have great breasts, and my boy looks nothing like Brad Pitt!"(He actually looks like a tattoo covered Edward Norton. She must of just seen "Fight Club" and got her actors confused)

From "Red Star" we go to this strip club called "L.A's" about 2 miles down the road. I know that I have talked negatively about strip clubs,(here and here) but after seeing a beautiful "pair", I was inspired to see even more lovely mounds of flesh. We walk in, have a few more drinks, and one thing becomes shockingly apparent. We noticed that the staff was mostly Russian, one of the bar tenders, one of the dancers, and 4 of the waitresses. I leaned over to my boy Danny and say, "Maybe I'm being stereotypical, but whenever I see a American owned bar and most of the staff is Russian, I tend to think some illegal slave trade shit is going on!" I guess I speak louder than I thought because the doorman(also Russian, which makes 7 by the way) comes over to me and politely asks me outside. I agree, and as we stand outside he tells me that he would appreciate it if I didn't say such things because he wouldn't want his clientele thinking the strip club wasn't on the "up and up." I say, "OK, whatever man" and as we return inside the club he pats my shoulder and says, "As long as we understand each other" which was his way of subtle intimidation. I sit beside Danny and loudly say, "Yep, I told you some illegal Russian mob shit was going on here!" as I wave at the doorman that I had just talked to.

Over the course of our time there I was giving many of my George Washington's to a beautiful sister who was on stage shaking her ass something fierce. She didn't say anything to me, but smiled when I kept saying stupid drunken shit like "I want to marry you girl!" or "Wanna be my future ex-girlfriend??" Minutes later after she stopped dancing she sat beside me at the bar. The first thing I said to her was, "What is up with all these Russian chicks?" She smiled and said, "I am Russian too!" I know that there are black Russians, but when you haven't experienced things first hand it can take you aback somewhat. We chatted a few minutes, where she expressed to me that she really wanted a boyfriend. She went on and on about her desire to have a boyfriend. Did I mention how much she wanted a boyfriend? As soon as I got the hint she handed me her number for me to call her as soon as I could.

As we were leaving, thinking about how I probably wasn't going to call "Ms. Black Russia", I also thought about how I once dated a stripper and how much of a disaster it was. Reasons: 1:You get tired of her paying everything from rent, meals, and her car note in 1's 2:If you are insecure, like I have been known to be, I would always be thinking that she was fucking somebody 3:If you have the balls enough to visit her while she is "working", you get sick watching her flirt with a plethora of losers just to get tips and 4:Getting glitter out of your linen is a motherfucker! The absolute deal breaker is when I caught her scratching herself in her nether region during the course of our conversation. I don't know about you, but a woman with a "vaginal itch" isn't really a selling point.

28 comments:

Running2Ks said...

What's up with the girls trolling for married men anyway? I blogged on that issue too. Pisses me off. My husband was actually used as wing man for a single friend--because having the married guy there attracted the girls for the single guy. Logic lessons needed. Ah, I don't have the energy for a rant. I'm tired from laughing so hard at your post :)

IsLifeLame said...

They give out medals to people who come in second. Think about it, second isn't really that bad. I think your ego got in the way of some fun times.

I am Jack said...

It is a trip how so many strange things can happen within the span of a few hours.

FantasyFootballGuru said...

Stay away from women who scratch themselves randomly. lol

U-Liang said...

That club full of russians ddid sound kind of sheisty though.

shinjyo said...

Damn man, even your shorter posts are entertaining. Great read!

Maya's Brother said...

Quiyana Ghorbachev. Yeah right.

Russians are the new Jamaican Posse this decade....and Putin is the Don...that Bama bogarted a Super Bowl ring the other day.... you don't want to f*** with no jawn from a country where the President is a booster.

Amadeo said...

A Black Russian...if she wasn't a stripper that's list material...I feel you on the second choice thing...damn that.

gonebabygone said...

ok...people male or female scratching themselves in public seriously makes me queasy. Also, it reminds me of a bad expirience my friend had after going to an all male strip club. She woke up the next day with a swollen eye because she got a louse in her tear duct. ick.

piranha said...

a black russian ;-)of course there was shit going on. not because of that obviously but because russian mafia rules! i ve been to russia for four months and i tell you, the normal state is the mafia state. everything comes thereafter.

as for the second choice thing: fun times, fun times...who the f*** cares anyways. i think it s sometimes better to keep some pride and have one fun time less in your life, as in the end it is you who has to stay with yourself until you finally finally die, right!!! so i absolutely dig when you reject the second choice offer.

but it sucks big time, i agree.....

all the best as always

p

mellancollyeyes said...

aha! haha! i laughed so hard i could barely breathe!

i heart your blog. i'm coming back!

Luke Cage said...

Damn HC...that was a cool post. I'm still laughing dawg.

InterstellarLass said...

Oh my. You do lead an interesting life. Had me laughing!

littleboxes said...

Black Russian reminds us of "48 hours" and the great bar scene when Eddie Murphy orders a vodka at the country bar.

CaffeineDiva said...

I dated a Russian once... nice guy.
anyway

"but since I have recently been getting hit on by women who look like Biz Markie"

I can see where that would be a problem! Funny post.
Girls that delibrately go after married men give women like me a bad name.

Daniel Andrlik said...

This had me laughing out loud! Thanks for that. I will definately be back.

coley said...

Do I even need to say it.... OK one last time! GREAT POST HC!!! I can always count on you for a laugh! :) I can't believe you gave that girl your blog address... You're a straight mess!

Mia said...

That was fucking hilarious!!! I am definitely coming back here often!

Mia said...

I added U to my favorites...hope ya don't mind.

Hermes said...

You are hilarious, Humanity Critic. I know I can always rely on you for a hearty laugh.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the post on my blog! I was beginning to think nobody was reading :) Thanks for the encouragement!

Brian
http://myvogonpoetry.com

Marj and Carlos said...

Hi humanity critic. I'm surprised you found my blog. Thanks for the compliment. Anyways, I love your blog, it's an interesting read and helps me get away from the sappiness of my wedding blog. Stop by there again if you want. But be warned it is after all a wedding blog (at least I like to think so)

ManNMotion said...

I don't appreciate you making fun of BizMark, the man is a legend. But I'm not gonna hate you for it. It's all love Humanity Critic

Sankofa said...

A black Russian? Try meeting a chinese Jamaican...now THAT threw me!

HC...good thing you turned her down though. Especially considering the fact the Danny turned her down first...how's it look you saying yes!

And all of this in one night....sometimes I think u live in an alternate universe...lol. Smooches

BLESSD1 said...

Dawg...I don't know if I'm feeling you on the first incident. NOBODY likes to be second choice, but damn...if you'd have given her the premium 2 minutes, you might've been her first choice from that moment on! As far as the Black Russian, I think I'd have given her a chance...that is until she scratched her nether region. Crabs aint cute! LOL! Excellent post, man.

Coffey0072 said...

I don't take too kindly being chatted up as the ALTERNATIVE either!
That happened recently to my best friend Cat and I at this spot in Boston called The Enormous Room.
These young dudes from the Carribean (Martinique I believe) chatted up 3 40 something year old white women who were sitting on the couch with us.
The ladies were friendly enough, and chatted on and off with Cat and I, 'til the two dudes moseyed on over, ignored us and proceeded to hit on the 3 women hardcore.
Needless to say, when the women took off, we exchanged goodbyes, and the two dudes stood there feeling dejected and tried to chat w/ Cat and I, to which Cat responded, "uhn-uh, nope!" while I shook my head furiously, in agreement.
and they took off, even more chagrined and bitter. tee hee. call it ego, but no thanks, first place works just as well.

Brother OMi said...

ain't nothing wrong with being 2nd choice if you are going to get a "mouthhug" ...! :)

i knew ONE black Russian my entire life... briefly..

lady in satin said...

I really like your blog. It's very interesting and entertaining!