Friday, June 22, 2007

HumanityCritic sweating the small stuff again: "My Front Yard"

(La casa de la HumanityCritic)

For as long as I can remember, whenever I came to someone with what I thought was a legitimate concern of mine - more times than not they shooed me away like a pesky mosquito at a barbecue, claiming that I was simply overreacting to the entire situation. Granted, as a kid I was a chronic hypochondriac - possibly the only prepubescent person in the history of the world who would routinely check his nut-sack for testicular cancer, sometimes even showing my mother my bowel movements when the color of said fecal matter seemed a bit "off" to me. There have been overreactions having to do with some physical altercations that I've started as well - most notably one where I threatened to roll a handicapped man into traffic for touching my girlfriend's boob, thank god he explained to me that he was gayer than J. Edgar Hoover and was my lady's friend - he doesn't know how close he came to being roadkill, "Special Olympics" style. Or that one time when a girlfriend came back from a summer in France and I angrily accused her of fucking everybody in that country, only because her vagina felt more "roomy" than usual - OK, that wasn't exactly an overreaction because come to find out she was fucking everybody. As I remember it, sex with her felt like I was jogging inside of a wind tunnel.

But my next door neighbors keep cutting into my front yard and its irritating the hell out of me, like a suede condom or the mid-sex chatter of Fran Drescher - again, people think that I'm blowing the whole thing out of proportion. When I say "cutting into my yard" I mean that when they mow their grass, they cut a couple of lines into what's clearly my property. I guess this is the part where you say, "Hey, look at it as they are cutting some of your grass for you!!" - well fuck that, because the mere assumption that those two lines is theirs is what really bothers. But two more things bother me about it: 1)Whenever I'm outside while they happen to cut their lawn, they moe in the designated area.(Signalling that they are aware that they are in the wrong) and 2) They completely disregard where their backyard fence is(the actual property line) Let me show you a picture of the egregious offense that I'm referring to.

My grass is the rather un-kept yard on the right hand side, I kept it that way to highlight my point - you see how they disregard their backyard fence and cut into my yard? Let me show you another picture from an opposite direction.

This is the shit I'm talking about, blatantly ignoring where their backyard fence is - and why, to claim that raggedy ass tree? Listen, I know this is some pretty petty shit - but when I'm not worrying about catching some weird ass disease from one of the strippers I let handle my penis, or monitoring what I eat so my gut doesn't completely eclipse my cock- this is the type of shit that I obsess over.

HumanityCritic Commentary:

I know what all of you are thinking, I'm supposed to be the guy that has fully embraced his inner asshole - going over there and reading them the riot act should be as comforting to me as a rubdown in a Shiatsu, right? Actually the problem is that I'm rather fond of the people next door, I can't tell you how many times I've gotten shit-faced drunk with them - besides, I don't mind people wanting me dead on the other side of town but not my neighbors, I don't want people plotting my untimely demise who live within walking distance. I don't know, maybe I'm just getting soft in my old age, but it's rather comforting knowing that my neighbors think I'm a pure and wholesome human being - not knowing the debauchery that happens behind closed doors, fucking chicks in vats of blood, shoving dildo's inside women that resemble Tutankhamen, shit like that. Also, the last 2 occupants of that house have pulled the exact same shit - its as if with the deed to the house and a handshake, the old owner leans over and tells the new owner "Be sure to cut two lines into that black bastards lawn!!" But I don't know how many times I can call the surveyor out to my house to put down land markers and spray paint lines in the grass - passive aggressively letting my neighbors know what the deal is. Any suggestions?


Anonymous said...

Im trying to see your side of the issue but I cant. You are outta your mind! If it really bothers you, why dont you go and ask them to mow your lawn too?

Anonymous said...

I don't think that douchebag anonymous person got the gist of you post. Silly peasant. lol

Anonymous said...

Anon has to be a new reader, man.

ian/thoreauly77 said...

what should you do? you should beat them to the punch and mow your lawn two lanes deep into their lawn. claim that raggedy ass tree. key their car.

Lola Gets said...

Plant thick hedging along the property line. Perferably ones with big ass thorns - thatll learn'em!

Belve said...

As a overly cool level headed person that has been known to erupt violently with a mean vindicative streak. I have a possible solution for you that will require a little patience to fully realize.

Rocks usually the size of your fist placed in a awkward design down the line. Like a zig zag line.. The size of the rocks will deter the person who is using the lawn mower plus you can use them to hit a mofo if ever needed.
Now me I would do this during the late fall, and follow that up with a couple of rose bushes. when planting said rose bushes explain that they are there to remind you of your mother. Now they become a natural border without the fenced in feel to it. And the rocks will provide a sort of ground protection should the person cutting the grass feel a bit overzealous one day. nothing like a dull bent up ass blade to make you think twice.

Also .. Borrow said lawnmower for 1 or 2 months at a time. that way you know when they are going to cut and can be there to oversee said activity, since they have proven that while you are watching they "know the ledge"

me said...

lmao @ the first commenter. that's one way. OR you're just going to have to forget about it if you want these people to keep thinking of you as a "nice guy" (nice guy??)

Amar said...

Seriously HC? I mean seriously?

Your neighbor is using the tree as a guide, drink some prune juice and ... well, you know the rest you fucking maniac.