Monday, June 04, 2007

I'm hands down, the worst ex-boyfriend ever!

Dear friends, through my extensive research I've finally come to the conclusion that in life there are two types of assholes: The type of asshole that is completely oblivious to the reasons around them being universally loathed, and the type of asshole who has a working knowledge that at least a handful of people in his own hometown want him removed from the mortal coil, stat. Suffice it to say I'm of the latter. That's why I've always secretly rooted for any girl that I was dating to drop me like a bad habit, not because it was a passive aggressive way of getting her off my fucking back - but because it showed that she had enough self-esteem to get rid of a no-good man, I can't tell you how many times I sincerely clapped and said "Good for you girlfriend" as soon as a woman gave me the proverbial pink-slip. Matter of fact, those particular brand of ex-girlfriends that I'm still cool with and I laugh about our failed relationships to this day - usually conversations follow concerning how I happen to be king of all assholes, and how they see being with me as "on the job training" for all the assholes they had to deal with after me. Granted, my main goal was to penetrate miscellaneous orifices as many times as humanly possible without any of the boyfriend duties, and possibly eat some mac and cheese off of a random butt-cheek or two - but if a chick feels like she learned a lesson from my douchebaggery, then so be it.

But since karma is real and I've finally figured out that one of god's favorite pastime's over the past decade and a half is fucking with yours truly - the few women that I have dedicated myself to then proceeded to take an extremely busy shit on my emotions. It's true, the few times that I've found myself mortally wounded on that relationship battlefield, just staring at my own beating heart after it was ripped out of my chest so carelessly - I knew that I was paying for every heart that I had broken, every chick whose sister I deflowered, every woman who refused sex because of an impending GYN appointment and me saying "Well, you don't have an rectal appointment tomorrow, lets do this!!"

It's weird though, those are the same ex-girlfriends that I still see out and about on a regular basis - and my actions towards them are so indefensible that one woman recently crowned me as "The Worst Ex-Boyfriend Ever!!" For the life of me I don't know what in the world she's talking about.. OK, I'm lying, I know exactly what she's talking about.

Belittling her new man can be fun!!:
Listen, I know that I can be nuttier than squirrel shit sometimes - but if I see an ex-girlfriend out on the town with her new beau the last thing in the world I'm going to do is make a scene, what am I a bloody fucking savage? Regardless if me and the woman ended our relationship amicably or if she abruptly ended it by sending me pictures of her blowing that gremlin looking T-Pain via her camera phone - I've never gone into stalker mode, on average women that I've sporadically gave penis to under the guise of a relationship have gone virtually un-harassed. Except for this one time when I was still reeling from a very messy breakup, drowning my chubby little sorrows on expensive glasses of wine at a friend's art exhibit - when the women who had just rocked my world like a crackhead globe salesman gleefully introduced me to her new man. I immediately knew what she was doing, slowly turning the already deeply plunged knife that was already in my heart - I didn't have the energy to fight back so I just winced and hope that it would all be over soon, like how I imagine the person on the business end of a prison rape must feel. But I guess she said one sentence too many for my liking because before I knew it I was criticizing her man's sense of fashion as "Homeless chic" as if I was that Blackwell dude who makes those "Worst Dressed" lists. I couldn't tell you how many times I lunged at him, making him flinch, then proceeding to call him a "pussy" in the most casually of fashions - on top of me correcting his English whenever I got the chance, resulting in me telling my ex "Sheeps?'" What is he, retarded or something?"

I pretend that they don't exist:
This is going to sound rather childish, but then again if you are an average reader of this blog then you are used to my particular brand of bullshit - but nothing satisfies me more than ignoring ex-girlfriends as if they had never existed. You've been in a club somewhere and saw one of your ex's, you haven't caught eyes yet but you can tell that they've seen you by the way they keep strategically trying to get within your eye-shot. Most of the time I submit and go over there and chat them up, or at least I nod my head in a "yes I see you, and I'm being cool even though you blew my boy" gesture - but this last time I was just focused on being an insufferable prick. Every time she tried to get into my sight path I'd turn my head, when she would send one of her girlfriends to talk to me I wouldn't acknowledge that they were standing there as if I had headphones on - not to mention me literally turning my back on her after she attempted to sit next to me at a bar.

Tell her that she gave you an incurable disease, in public!:
Fellas, if you don't listen to anything else I say please heed these very words - if you have anything heartfelt to say, whether its expressions of love or heartbreak, for Christs sake don't leave it on her answering machine. Yes, I made this mistake as my heart was breaking over a woman who now looking back wasn't at all worth the grief - I think some of the message went: "I fucking love you, why can't you see that? Do you know how many miscellaneous pieces of ass I've passed up because of my love for you, and how do you repay such acts of love? You go and fuck everything with an erection and a pulse! Why are you doing this to me(sobs)??!!" Pretty sad shit I have to say, so you can just imagine how said despair turned to utter embarrassment when I learned that she had played it for all of her friends. Fast forward a month from said phone call when I saw my ex out with some of her cackling ass girlfriends, laughing it up - just having a good old time at my expense. That's when I walked over, faked some tears in a "I'd like to thank the academy" kind of way, and proceeded to tell her in front her friends in a subdued tone "Hey, you might need to get checked out because the doctor said that you gave me something!" The laughs turned to deafening silence, the look of victory on my ex's face turned to humiliation - so to finally put two bullets in the head, execution style, on my own embarrassment I continued - I coughed, scratched sporadically, even pulled down my pants exposing some of my penis while asking the ladies at the table "Do any of you know what this blue spot is?"


Anonymous said...

Hilarious Post!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

HC, this was just beautiful. Great post.

Acolyte said...

Reading this post is worth the time I have stolen from my sleep to do so! Revenge is a dish best served cold!

SAM said...

HC, I really love your blog; this one was particularly hilarious (I love you acting like you're wearing headphones) but baby be careful. Karma is packing and doesn't use KY.

Crankyputz said...


But all is fair in love and war!

Anonymous said...


Crackpot Press said...

Actually I do talk to ex's in clubs.

In one such example, I saw her in a club with her friends. I was blind on birthday booze and managed to shout out every single secret she had ever mentioned to me in front of her friends.

Including the fact that she was currently sleeping with her boss who was also sleeping with (true story) his cousin.

Ya know how you drink to much, yell at someone and wake up feeling like an asshole in the morning?

This was not one of those times.