Tuesday, June 12, 2007

A Positive aspect of modern day Hip Hop: No more "Just add water" rappers!

I can't front, I'm a music snob - an insufferable prick of a person who completely judges someones pitiful existence on this round earth of ours based on what precisely they happen to blast in their respective automobiles. The chance of a chick taking a peek at my cock nowadays happens as frequently as people being struck by lightening or Mary J Blige not bumming you the fuck out by her perpetual sadness - but I can't tell you how many opportunities for premarital sex I've walked away from just because a woman casually mentioned that she was a Lil Wayne fan, or that she enjoyed the musical stylings of MIMS. My snobbery has even severely affected my daily ritual of perusing local myspace ass that I hope to possible ejaculate on in the future, no matter how voluptuously slutty the woman's pictures are I usually find myself vacating the page immediately - usually having to do with a 30-something year old woman having Omarion as her fucking profile music, or the likes of Young Jeezy or some other proverbial shit-stain of the culture that when asked to recite "Paid in Full" look as if you just asked them to perform an emergency tracheotomy. I'm also known for dissing the fuck out of artists that I don't respect in their faces and daring them to do something about it, the sheer horror on my friends' faces when some rapper extended his hand to me while I turned my back on them in protest is priceless - shaking my head slowly with folded arms in my best B-Boy stance that is. As you can tell I long for the days of Hip Hop past, if my violent vomiting whenever I turn on the radio wasn't already a dead giveaway.

But like the midget I once fucked who made my sub par penis feel like a bona fide baby's arm, or the hearing impaired lady that I made love to who didn't seem to mind my "Krush Groove" references during climax - I've learned to make the best out of any situation. That being said, I know that my attitude towards much of today's music makes me seem like a negro version of those old men in the balcony on "The Muppet Show" - but every so often I will try to find the good in a music that over the past few years has been rather blissful in dumbing itself down and taking an extremely healthy shit on its audience. That being said, I'll will occasionally point about something that I appreciate about modern day Hip Hop. This is the first installment.


There's no "Just add water" rappers:
Sure, there are a plethora of "Just add water thugs" as far as the eye can see - gentleman who are lyrically preoccupied with glorifying violence and drug deals on ghetto street corners, only to mask the fact that they've never really been able to take a punch and secretly crave cock 23 hours out of every day. I'm not talking about them though, I'm talking about the journeymen wordsmiths that you never heard of during the 90's - strange faces to you and I who assumed the most meanial of MC duties on R&B records of that particular decade. I know that he was a member of the group and all, but the first person that comes to mind when I think of "Just Add Water" rappers is C&C Music Factory's own Freedom Williams. Man, every time I heard that man rhyme I immediately knew that I'd rather hear loved ones getting tortured. Hearing him rap on songs such as "Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now) and "Things "That Make You Go Hmmmm...", it was clear that the only prerequisite a rapper needed to have for that group was a fucking pulse and a functioning voice box.

I know you all remember that Ving Rhames looking dude who went by the name of "Turbo B" - that human Proactiv commercial "before image" in the flesh - rapping that "I got the power" song in what looks to be inside a warehouse somewhere. Where in the fuck did he come from anyways? How about that rapper who lent his verbal stylings to Salt N Pepa's "Shoop"? Who was that motherfucker? 90's era R&B is littered with rappers you never heard before or since, getting a rather Warhol-esque 15 minutes of rapping fame. The one thing I respect about the game nowadays, as much as I may loathe the rappers that singers have on their respective songs - is that at least they get someone that I've at least heard before.


*Interesting Side note*: Did you know that Freedom Williams has a myspace page?(I shit you not) If that shit wasn't funny enough, it seemed that one of the founding members of C&C Music Factory(Robert Clivilles) didn't particularly appreciate that Mr. Williams claimed that he helped start said group on his page.(He went on to express his displeasure in message form, multiple times on his page that is) Fellas, Fellas, there's no need to fight! Arguing over who founded C&C Music factory is like arguing over who created the Edsel, or who wrote the first draft of "Soul Plane" - no one really gives a shit.

2 comments:

ANNOYEDALLTHETIME said...

you said: I'm in therapy though, pouring my heart out to a mental health professional as they give me their best poker-face - watching them fight back grimaces and looks of utter disg

me too! me too!!!!!!! :)

Serena said...

OMG not only did Clivilles post that but he SPAMMED it on his myspace page!!! How fucking lame is that?

If you look at freedoms friends they are all has been 90's "whatever happened too" ass people.

Remember crystal waters? Ladybug? Al B Sure? They are all there.