This might sound a bit blasphemous to some people, more so than usual coming from a natural born heathen like myself - but I just knew that I would devote my life to Catholicism the first time I achieved a prepubescent erection from the way an ill fitting plaid skirt hung off of Cathy Morgan's supple ass as she sauntered down the hallway of my catholic school more than twenty years ago. Since I was probably a decade past the days where the favorite pastime of sexually frustrated nuns happened to be breaking rulers over children's knuckles, I have to say that my catholic school memories are pretty pleasant ones to be completely honest. I can't tell you how many inappropriate grinding sessions I had in the holy confines of a confessional, my class literally spent entire recess sessions fighting other homerooms on some truly "West Side Story" shit, the curriculum seemed easy enough - and around this time is when I gained the invaluable knowledge of a person having a clean slate by simply going to confessional, regardless of how heinous the act might have been. That's it, I was hooked - plus the fact that the services were only 45 minutes long at the most, and you got a good work-out while begging for god's forgiveness with all the other fucking sinners - with all the kneeling, standing, and hugging that is. I know that the Catholic Church gets a bad rap, having a plethora of priests out there enjoying more prepubescent balls coming their way than umpires at a little league game tends to get negative press - and I've always said that anyone who harms children should be castrated with a dull butter-knife. But pedophile priests aren't as prevalent as you'd think, besides, if I had to deal with a fucking Jesus pimp every Sunday I'm sure every church service would end with me holding a loaded handgun to the so called "Messenger of God" himself while saying something utterly profound like "Run your shit Rev! Listen Preacher G.D Moneybags, I want the collection plate money, the herringbone, and that fucking money-clip Al Sharpton gave you last Christmas! Everything!" Those guys are nothing but Sweaty fucking baptists of the T.D Jakes variety anyway, preaching salvation while lining their pockets and getting you to vote for some god-damned republican - milking your own people and getting them to vote against their own best interests should put you on the business end of the same butter-knife used on that pedophile priest.
That being said, I happen to be the worst catholic ever. Besides the multitude of sins that I commit on a daily basis - everything from massaging my unimpressive phallus to easily download-able specialty porn like "Asian midget's" and "Spoken word poetry Nymphs" and my habit of occasionally checking the durability of some assholes chin, the serious offenses that I've committed against actual clergy members is what will make St. Peter grimace while reviewing my file at the pearly gates. In a case of verbal diarrhea I once blurted out "Damn, Sister Margaret has quite the onion-booty!" behind a nun in a grocery-store line once, I threatened the life of one of those aforementioned hustle-man preachers who tried to get his congregation to vote for George W. Bush - not to mention the young priest that I played one-on-one basketball with, clergy molestation taunts prompting the man of god to call me a "dirty cocksucker" in front some very impressionable teenagers. Not to mention my behavior in the church building itself, indiscreet hand-jobs during Sunday service, fights on church grounds, going there for the sole purpose of meeting future sexually frustrated late-night dalliances - did I ever tell you about the time I got a piece of memorable sex at a wake that I attended?
Shit, who am I kidding - if I ever want to one day find myself playing poker with Scott La Rock and Langston Hughes, I better figure out that 10 Commandment thing first.
The Ten Commandments
1. You shall have no other Gods but me.
So far so bad, especially since I pray to the alter of Rakim Allah. No offense to the big guy, but have you actually heard "My Melody"? As soon as you hear..:
"I take 7 MC's put em in a line
And add 7 more brothas who think they can rhyme
Well, it'll take 7 more before I go for mine
And that's 21 MC's ate up at the same time
..it will make you switch the cross on your chain for a visage of Rakim. What can I say, bitter downtrodden broads with an agenda of killing your buzz pray to Mary J. Blige, I happen to pray to Rakim.
2. You shall not make for yourself any idol, nor bow down to it or worship it.
I'm OK here, I've never really been a follower - so the chances of me following some shit stain like David Koresh, Jim Jones, or that Heavens Gate freak who had people die with fucking Nike's on their feet is slim to none. Besides, I'm an Adidas guy anyways.
3. You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God.
What else am I supposed to say while fucking, or during my profanity latent tirades?
4. You shall remember and keep the Sabbath day holy.
Sure Sunday starts out holy, with me putting on my best suit and arriving to church with nothing but the purest of thoughts. But it ends pretty differently, with me in bed with a morally devoid woman as we mercilessly fuck while watching "Roadhouse"(I get off when she call's me 'Dalton', don't ask.) - her allowing me to use any of her orifices at my disposal. Come to think of it, it ends pretty holey as well, I mean holy. Shit.
5. Respect your father and mother.
My father died 6 years ago but my mother is still around, and I absolutely love that woman to death. So I'm good here too.
6. You must not kill.
Man, I'm on a fucking roll. I've never taken anyones life, I'm thankful for that - but if one more person tells me how lyrically genius Lil Wayne is I don't know how long I can go without a homicide on my record.
7. You must not commit adultery.
I've never been married, so I pass with flying colors with this one as well. But wait a minute, what if you've been involved in an adulterous act? I can't tell you how many times I've clumsily thrusted on top of some woman as I looked at her wedding photo's and other family snapshots. This isn't looking good.
8. You must not steal.
OK, I'm not a thief per se. I mean, I've never stolen anything out of necessity, and I can say with confidence that I'm not a kleptomaniac. But every fight that I've been in, specifically the ones in which I come out the victor - I rummaged through the victims pockets, taking their worldly belongings on some "High School Bully" shit. I don't particularly need their hard earned dough, it just sort of puts an exclamation point on a humiliating beating.
9. You must not give false evidence against your neighbor.
This one poses a problem as well, especially since I once informed the authorities that one of my neighbors was running a meth lab in his garage. Granted, he was a drug dealer but he was only dealing marijuana - but as the cops took him away I screamed "You bloody fucking savage, that's for all the times you went three lines into my property when cutting your grass you motherfucker!!"
10. You must not be envious of your neighbor's goods. You shall not be envious of his house nor his wife, nor anything that belongs to your neighbor.
If the rule means actually not penetrating the wives of men that live on my actual block, then I'm fine - but if by "neighbor" means my fellow man in general, then I'm fucked. Besides, imagine if Rosario Dawson got married and happened to move right beside me - and after a few months she starts coming over my crib when her husband is gone, complaining about her marriage, adding that nothing turns her on more than a chubby black myth ruiner with a writing prowess?(its could happen!) There has to be some leeway with these rules.