Thursday, May 25, 2006

An episode of "The Sopranos" if directed by Spike Lee

(The title sequence with Tony driving past many New Jersey landmarks familiar to garden staters is still there, but the music is replaced with a Terrance Blanchard jazz version of "Woke up the Morning")

Opening scene: Tony and Paulie are watching television at the "Bada Bing"


Televison announcer: Men, do you have trouble during those intimate moments with the woman you love? Find it difficult for your personal soldier to stand at attention for a respectable amount of time? Has your penis been doing it's best impersonation of a wet noodle? No fear, Pelezna is here! With this product you can please your woman, even a few of her friends, because after a few pills of Pelezna you will literally be able to pound nails into wood with your wood.(side effects may include runny nose, hallucinations, bleeding out of the anus, headaches, heart palpitations, fever, memory loss, shakes, athletes foot, dry mouth, bleeding out of the ears, stomach ache, and a plethora of other shit)

Tony: Jesus fucking Christ, you are liable to kill yourself for a piece of patch! I guess there is an upside though, if your dumb ass dies in the middle of sex, the girl you are with can lay your ass down and play a marathon game of horseshoes with your 20 hour erection. Fuck that, I'll stick to red bull and cocaine, it's safer.

Paulie: I hear you Tone, but Tommy Perreti swore by it though.

Tony:(looking at Paulie like he lost his mind) Tommy "the one I had to kill because he was going to rat us out to the feds" Perreti?? Fuck him!! I never understood a rat, if the cops had me not only wouldn't I say shit, but they would have to gag me in the courtroom like I was Bobby Seale and shit.

Paulie: Bobby Seale?? The guy who was in the black panda party??

Tony: The Black Panther Party you dumb fuck!!! Shit Paulie, you think we have it bad, the panthers had it 40 times worse with that F.B.I COINTELPRO program.

Paulie: Why in the fuck do you know so much about the fucking black panthers??

Tony: I mistakenly picked up A.J's Public Enemy CD by mistake when I thought it was my Frank Sinatra mix CD. I actually learned something from Chuck, they don't make Hip Hop like that any more.

Paulie: True. True.

(Next Scene: Tony is sitting in Dr. Melfi's office during one of his sessions. Jazz music is playing a bit too loudly in the background)

Dr. Melfi:(sitting there silently observing Tony for a few minutes) Tony, you look visibly upset. What's troubling you?

Tony: This whole world and every miserable thing in it!!

Dr. Melfi: OK, can you be more specific?

Tony: Fine, the current state of Hip Hop and black culture as a whole. I'm tired of the bullshit, fuck them all!!

Dr. Melfi: "Fuck" who exactly?

Tony: Fuck those "bling-bling, let me show you my platinum teeth" rappers, with their pedestrian ass lyrics and their minstrel show antics, setting black folks back so severely that you can literally hear the time clock being rewound manually. Fuck the old school record executives like Russel Simmons who should fucking know better, but want to tell me with a straight face that the current state of Hip Hop is wonderful. Damn Russ, I liked you better when you had a drug habit and played Russian Roulette with your cock. Fuck the overrated underground MC's, only getting attention because the current state of Hip Hop is in shambles. You ain't the second coming motherfucker!!! Fuck Bill Cosby, yeah he has valid points, but it is so surprising that a comedian who once used language so artfully in his act comes off as a crotchety old man who hasn't taken a solid shit in a decade. Fuck Black Conservatives who want you to believe that their critique of black culture is because they actually are concerned and love black people. No you don't, we can see through your bullshit, so go take your shoe shine kit and polish Karl Rove's shoes with a huge shit eating grin on your face, fucking House Negro. Fuck young Hip Hop fans, looking at me like I just gave birth to a chimpanzee whenever I bring up legends like Rakim or Kool G Rap. You can't tackle trigonometry if you skipped simple addition you dumb fuck!!! Fuck any rapper who ever said "I'm doing this one for the ladies!". Fuck any rapper who said "I'm doing this song for the clubs!!" Fuck B.E.T, worst channel imaginable, where you can see idiocy like Three6Mafia ad nauseum, and the mere fact that I caught my self doing "The Snap" dance at a club recently had me wanting to find Robert Johnson and shoot him in both kneecaps. Lastly, Fuck negligent white parents!!!

Dr. Melfi:
Why negligent white parents??

Tony: Well it is my theory that most of this horrible Hip Hop with it's misogyny, violence, and platinum teeth wouldn't be around if there wasn't a demand for it. Right?

Dr. Melfi: Yeah, where are you going with this?

Tony: Many Reports say that the leading consumer of Hip Hop are young white males.

Dr. Melfi: OK

Tony: Listen, what would make a white kid want to be exposed to such nonsense if their parents were doing a good job raising an independent thinking, responsible child?? So, I blame the demise of Hip Hop on negligent white parenting!!

Dr. Melfi: OK Tony, your time is up..

(Tony is now gliding to his car(the famous Spike Lee dolly shot) with Marvin Gaye's "Trouble Man" playing in the background.)

Stay Tuned for more episodes..

15 comments:

Oliviasmommi said...

I have never seen the Sopranos...I know..."gasp"...but anyway, that post was great for me simply because it has me over here dancing in my chair singing Marvin Gaye...Luckily no one else is in the office this afternoon!

jirzygurl said...

LMAO! that is fantastic! can you do an episode of the sopranos as directed by quentin tarantino??

Jerry MaDick said...

Hilarious!

But Paulie would never say "True. True.", In response to them not making hip hop like they used to. He'd just sit there w/that dumb look on face. Or he'd say something that would garner sympathy for him.

Still, I could see both scenes including the tone of voice! That's talent, yo. Awesome!

GG said...

Damn...damn...damn!!!

Can it get any better, Critic?!?!?

Nina MM said...

(side effects may include runny nose, hallucinations, bleeding out of the anus, headaches, heart palpitations, fever, memory loss, shakes, athletes foot, dry mouth, bleeding out of the ears, stomach ache, and a plethora of other shit)

I ::heart:: your crazy ass. That shit made complete sense to me. LOL!

The Hallspace said...

That was hilarious
Tony ranted a litle long in the middle there but otherwise I thought it rocked
remember to plug yourself in the credits as Tony gets out of the car at his house:
Written by: Humanity Critic
A Spike Lee Joint

iron said...

now that was some funny s#!t! i love the sopranos and reading this this morning made me laugh some oj through my nose.

Jerry MaDick said...

Critic,
I just read some of the comments and I didn't mean to critique. This was hilarious and enjoyable. I was in a bad way yesterday and decided to be a prick. Very creative shit, as usual. Thanks for the daily hilarity!

Brother OMi said...

man YOU need to write for the sopranos.

why you hating on Cosby?

a.Marie said...

You need a stage....I'm linking this to mine.

Jdid said...

hmmm tony should have picked up that p.e album sooner

Beauty said...

LMAO! You're a comedian! I'm adding you to my favorites. And thank you for stopping by :)

Brotha Buck said...

I haven't been here in awhile. I'm glad I came back. Too funny.

MyUtopia said...

I'm with Olivia, I haven't seen it either. We did this whole, we don't need cable thing so there is a lot I have missed out on.

Honest said...

LMAO!!!!! Dude what's up with the Sopranos finishing on a random we're one big family note this season! You should write HBO and pitch this scene to them.