There is one unmistakable fact about this blog when you get past the germaphobia, my penchant for pouring beer on women who are unruly, and my insecurity about my penis that shatters any myth about black men, and that is my undying love for my mother. In honor of mother's day I planned to wax poetic about all the great qualities that my mother possesses, how she has been the only person in my life that felt that I'd turn out to be worth a shit, and how she is the only person on the planet earth that I would gladly sacrifice my life for. Yeah I could have went there, especially since I know that whenever I speak from the heart my chances of me getting a ripe piece of Internet booty increases greatly. But instead I wanted to involve my mother with this post, a way to introduce the world to a woman with an intelligent mind and a razor sharp with. So, similar to the way Bobbito Garcia plays a few tunes for certain individuals and discusses them in Vibe Magazine, I decided to do the same with my dear mother. So yesterday I sat with my mother while my Ipod played songs on "random", and we discussed the particular songs in detail as they played. Here is how it went.
Kool G Rap: "Talk like sex"HumanityCritic: Oh Hell no, I can't play this song for my mother!(Attempting to change it to the next selection)
Mom: Sit your ass down, it's OK, I'm grown. Where do you think you learned the birds and bees from in the first place.
HumanityCritic: Pre-teen girls and dad's pornography collection?
Mom: Oh.. Did he just say, "leaving floods of blood on your mattress""?
HumanityCritic:(shaking head) Yes Mom, he did.
Mom: How romantic! I know this guy is one of your favorite rappers and I understand his attempt to be macho, but this song sounds like a 4 minute sexual assault. What does this guy look like anyways?
HumanityCritic(showing her an album cover with Kool G Raps picture on my IPOD) Here he is.
Mom:(making a vomit sound) What woman in their right mind would let that man's genitalia come within the same zip code of theirs?
HumanityCritic: That chick superhead dated him.
Mom: I definitely feel that any woman comfortable being called "Superhead" is the furthest thing from a critical thinker.
Culture Club: "Do you really want to hurt me"Mom:(Giggles)
HumanityCritic: What?
Mom: Is this the part of your blog post where you come out of the closet??
HumanityCritic: Hey, I like this song, and doing so doesn't threaten my hetero street cred one bit.
Mom:(In a sarcastic tone) Of course it doesn't.(wink-wink) But this song is alright, isn't it about his love for his drummer or some shit?
HumanityCritic: I think so.
Mom:..and knowing that doesn't in the least way make you feel uneasy as you bob your head to it.(realizing that the same head motion she used concerning bobbing your head to music could also be construed as bobbing your head to a phallus. Then she laughs uncontrollably)Hahahahaha..
HumanityCritic: OK, next song.
James Brown: "The Big Payback"Mom: Now this is what I'm talking about!!
HumanityCritic: I love this song too.
Mom: They don't make music like this anymore.
HumanityCritic: I agree. I always thought that this song would be playing if I ever decided to go on a revenge inspired killing spree, systematically blowing people away one by one who had wronged me in the past. This song would definitely be in heavy rotation as I dispatched those evil sons of bitches from the face of the earth.
Mom:(Stops nodding her head.) I love you, but you really should consider going back to therapy.
Eric B and Rakim: "Mahogany"Mom: I like the beat, who is this?
HumanityCritic: I think you can guess it, wait a few moments..
Mom:(Listening) Is that Rakim?
HumanityCritic: That's why you rock mom!!(standing up, speaking in a He-man "by the powers of greyskull" tone) You are, by far, the best mother in the entire universe!!
Mom: Boy sit down, I only know who it is by the many hours you played his music. Matter of fact, I'm sure I can recite part of that verse on that "thinking of a master plan" song.
HumanityCritic: Oh shit!!! Could you please try, come on, my blog readers would love it.
Mom: No!! Fuck them and you.. By the way, stop cursing so much motherfucker!
HumanityCritic: OK.
The White Stripes: "Seven Nation Army"Mom: This sounds alright, who is this?
HumanityCritic: The White Stripes
Mom: You can tell that whoever this is was inspired by Blues, no?
HumanityCritic: Not bad.(showing her what they look like)
Mom: I remember them, I think they played on Conan one night. Two things I thought when I saw them. 1.They need more than 2 people in that band. and 2.Whoever that bitch is playing drums needs drumming lessons something fierce.
HumanityCritic: I agree on the last part.
Mom: Look how pale they are, see what happens when people decide to go Vegan.
HumanityCritic:(shaking head)
Lauryn Hill: "To Zion"Mom: Hey, this is Lauryn Hill, she's great.
HumanityCritic: Yep
Mom: Didn't she go crazy or something?
HumanityCritic: Nuttier than squirrel shit near Mariah Carey's house. Actually, I wish she would get some therapy, stop saying outlandish things that makes me want to punch her in the throat, and drop a quality album already.
Mom: You know why she went crazy right?
HumanityCritic: No, why?
Mom: Fucking with those damn Banana Boat boys! They will turn your ass out and have you talking to yourself in a corner somewhere.
HumanityCritic: Mom!! That's not very PC of you, all of the Caribbean people who read my blog might find offense to that.
Mom: Hey, you can do this with the Dali Lama next week, you have me now.
HumanityCritic: True.
HumanityCritic: Mom, do you know who this is??
Mom: I have no idea, who is it?
HumanityCritic: Jay-Z
Mom: Oh, Beyonce's boyfriend!!
HumanityCritic: Ha-Ha, Yeah. This is the song that brought me out of my perpetually unexplained hatred for the man. I now realize that he is a good lyricist so I took the hater cap off.
Mom: Didn't I read somewhere that this guy named Cam'ron disrespected him? What's his deal?
HumanityCritic: Cam'ron is just a wack rapper who wants attention, and the fact that Jay-Z doesn't think that he is worth a response makes Cam'ron look like a huge pair of tits in my humble opinion. Besides him having some homeless looking guy named Jim Jones on his team, Cam'ron has the most irritating rhyme scheme imaginable. (Imitating Cam'ron) :"Fo-fana. Ro-rana To-tana, lo-lana, Sh-wana-ho-kana"
Mom:(laughing) Who did the music for this song?
HumanityCritic: Rick Rubin, the same guy who produced The Red Hot Chili Pepper's new album "Stadium Arcadium".
Mom: Plugging that fucking blog again..
HumanityCritic: Of Course. I love you mom.
Mom: I love you too, we're done right?
HumanityCritic: Yes.
20 comments:
Hey humanity! It's been a hot minute!
Your mom rocks! Please tell her I said Feliz Dias de Las Madres!
On of the most enjoyable blog post I have read. Keep it up.
Peace
I love this post. It actually reminds me of my mom..who is one of the cool ones. If it wasn't 1 in the a.m. I would call her.
"That 'thinking of a master plan' song."
"Going crazy because of the banana boat boy."
"Stop cursing so much motherfucker."
All great lines and all things that I could actually hear myself saying to my son.
Now it all makes sense...Your mom does rock!
Happy Mom's Day, Mrs. Critic!!
dope man
this is truly dope. it wouldn't work for me, my moms speaks spanish
Your moms is cool as shit. This whole post brings up an interesting question I have for you. Well less a question but more a statement. Even though you don't blatantly hate Jigga, your innate reaction is to do so. However, you are an avid Kobe fan. This perplexes me. The same way people hate on Jigga is the same way people hate on Koby.
When cats hate on Kobe, they never say "Kobe isn't one of the all-time greats at his craft." They always bring up some off the court shit. Claiming that because they don't like Kobe the human being, they also can't like Kobe the ball player. And I STILL can't fathom how people can consider scoring 81 a bad thing.
This is the same with Hov!
No matter how you feel about Jay-Z, when you listen to his albums, there's no denying that he's one of the illest of all time. Then people bring outside-of-lyrics issues when hating on Jigga. "Oh he's always on the radio." "His songs are so pop. He looks like Joe Camel." "He's so cocky." But then you ask them to name 10 better rappers and they can't.
Just a random thought by a blogger who thinks too much. Holla at me.
that was DOPE!
your mom is so f*ckin' cool.
Best quote: "I definitely feel that any woman comfortable being called "Superhead" is the furthest thing from a critical thinker."
-alex2.0
@ Everyone: Thanks for the love.
@ Jarrod: Hey Jarrod, what's going on man? It is funny that you brought Kobe up, because me being a fan of his and listening to the embarrassingly ignorant reasons why people hate on him is what woke me up and stopped my non-sensical hating on Jigga. But I have to admit though, I was never as mindless as your garden variety Kobe hater because I always acknowledged that Jigga was dope, I just have had a lifelong habit of not wanting to be sheep and liking what everyone else likes, so that was my piss poor excuse that I had for not giving Shawn Carter the respects he deserves.
As for him being the illest, I can't give him that because there are a handful of skilled MC's that have him in that category, but I have come around on Jay-Z so much that in a year or so I might be on his nuts like pubic lice. But I will say this though, Kobe haters have Jigga haters beat in the "mindless shit they say" category. For example, I had to publicly brow beat the likes of old women, old men, younger cats, whoever, for saying shit like "Dominique Wilkins is better than Kobe", "Kobe is a horrible player because he cheated on his wife!!", "Kobe is the most overrated player of all time", "Manu Ginobli is better than Kobe", and a multitude of other mindless drivel that would be deserving of a shotgun blast to the face if I wasn't that concerned with the possibility of getting anally raped in prison...lol
LMAO!!!!!!! "What woman in their right mind would let that man's genitalia come within the same zip code of theirs?" ditto m!! "I definitely feel that any woman comfortable being called "Superhead" is the furthest thing from a critical thinker." and double ditto.
damn... you know its bad when your mom tells you to go back to therapy. but my mom thinks everyone should be in therapy so who am i to talk? and she knows who 112 is only b/c i was OBSESSED. by far the best statement: homeless looking guy named jim jones. done!!!!
awesome post!
You are special! When did you stop going to therpy?
Tell you Mom Happy Mother's Day.
Your mom is hilarious. I love that she identified Jay-Z as Beyoncé's boyfriend. Lol. Hope you guys had a great mother's day.
ya'Moms is mad cool for liking Kool G. Rap!
happy Belated Mom's Day
I know I have said this before...But I love yo momma!
"Nuttier than squirrel shit near Mariah Carey's house."
I laughed so loud in my office and spit coffee on my laptop...
Thanks man!
HumanityCritic: Oh shit!!! Could you please try, come on, my blog readers would love it.
Mom: No!! Fuck them and you.. By the way, stop cursing so much motherfucker!
HumanityCritic: OK.
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*Dead*. Sees the light. Walking towards Zora.
__________
My crazy as*ed momma is the SAME WAY DUDE!
kMom: You know why she went crazy right?
HumanityCritic: No, why?
Mom: Fucking with those damn Banana Boat boys! They will turn your ass out and have you talking to yourself in a corner somewhere.
__________________________________
This is some classic stuff right here. I loved this entry.
What a piece of work! Most original posting I have ever read! She is the TRUE O.G.! GO MOM! You ROCK!!!
Great post... Momz is tight.
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