There is one unmistakable fact about this blog when you get past the germaphobia, my penchant for pouring beer on women who are unruly, and my insecurity about my penis that shatters any myth about black men, and that is my undying love for my mother. In honor of mother's day I planned to wax poetic about all the great qualities that my mother possesses, how she has been the only person in my life that felt that I'd turn out to be worth a shit, and how she is the only person on the planet earth that I would gladly sacrifice my life for. Yeah I could have went there, especially since I know that whenever I speak from the heart my chances of me getting a ripe piece of Internet booty increases greatly. But instead I wanted to involve my mother with this post, a way to introduce the world to a woman with an intelligent mind and a razor sharp with. So, similar to the way Bobbito Garcia plays a few tunes for certain individuals and discusses them in Vibe Magazine, I decided to do the same with my dear mother. So yesterday I sat with my mother while my Ipod played songs on "random", and we discussed the particular songs in detail as they played. Here is how it went.
Kool G Rap: "Talk like sex"
HumanityCritic: Oh Hell no, I can't play this song for my mother!(Attempting to change it to the next selection)
Mom: Sit your ass down, it's OK, I'm grown. Where do you think you learned the birds and bees from in the first place.
HumanityCritic: Pre-teen girls and dad's pornography collection?
Mom: Oh.. Did he just say, "leaving floods of blood on your mattress""?
HumanityCritic:(shaking head) Yes Mom, he did.
Mom: How romantic! I know this guy is one of your favorite rappers and I understand his attempt to be macho, but this song sounds like a 4 minute sexual assault. What does this guy look like anyways?
HumanityCritic(showing her an album cover with Kool G Raps picture on my IPOD) Here he is.
Mom:(making a vomit sound) What woman in their right mind would let that man's genitalia come within the same zip code of theirs?
HumanityCritic: That chick superhead dated him.
Mom: I definitely feel that any woman comfortable being called "Superhead" is the furthest thing from a critical thinker.
Culture Club: "Do you really want to hurt me"
Mom: Is this the part of your blog post where you come out of the closet??
HumanityCritic: Hey, I like this song, and doing so doesn't threaten my hetero street cred one bit.
Mom:(In a sarcastic tone) Of course it doesn't.(wink-wink) But this song is alright, isn't it about his love for his drummer or some shit?
HumanityCritic: I think so.
Mom:..and knowing that doesn't in the least way make you feel uneasy as you bob your head to it.(realizing that the same head motion she used concerning bobbing your head to music could also be construed as bobbing your head to a phallus. Then she laughs uncontrollably)Hahahahaha..
HumanityCritic: OK, next song.
James Brown: "The Big Payback"
Mom: Now this is what I'm talking about!!
HumanityCritic: I love this song too.
Mom: They don't make music like this anymore.
HumanityCritic: I agree. I always thought that this song would be playing if I ever decided to go on a revenge inspired killing spree, systematically blowing people away one by one who had wronged me in the past. This song would definitely be in heavy rotation as I dispatched those evil sons of bitches from the face of the earth.
Mom:(Stops nodding her head.) I love you, but you really should consider going back to therapy.
Eric B and Rakim: "Mahogany"
Mom: I like the beat, who is this?
HumanityCritic: I think you can guess it, wait a few moments..
Mom:(Listening) Is that Rakim?
HumanityCritic: That's why you rock mom!!(standing up, speaking in a He-man "by the powers of greyskull" tone) You are, by far, the best mother in the entire universe!!
Mom: Boy sit down, I only know who it is by the many hours you played his music. Matter of fact, I'm sure I can recite part of that verse on that "thinking of a master plan" song.
HumanityCritic: Oh shit!!! Could you please try, come on, my blog readers would love it.
Mom: No!! Fuck them and you.. By the way, stop cursing so much motherfucker!
The White Stripes: "Seven Nation Army"
Mom: This sounds alright, who is this?
HumanityCritic: The White Stripes
Mom: You can tell that whoever this is was inspired by Blues, no?
HumanityCritic: Not bad.(showing her what they look like)
Mom: I remember them, I think they played on Conan one night. Two things I thought when I saw them. 1.They need more than 2 people in that band. and 2.Whoever that bitch is playing drums needs drumming lessons something fierce.
HumanityCritic: I agree on the last part.
Mom: Look how pale they are, see what happens when people decide to go Vegan.
Lauryn Hill: "To Zion"
Mom: Hey, this is Lauryn Hill, she's great.
Mom: Didn't she go crazy or something?
HumanityCritic: Nuttier than squirrel shit near Mariah Carey's house. Actually, I wish she would get some therapy, stop saying outlandish things that makes me want to punch her in the throat, and drop a quality album already.
Mom: You know why she went crazy right?
HumanityCritic: No, why?
Mom: Fucking with those damn Banana Boat boys! They will turn your ass out and have you talking to yourself in a corner somewhere.
HumanityCritic: Mom!! That's not very PC of you, all of the Caribbean people who read my blog might find offense to that.
Mom: Hey, you can do this with the Dali Lama next week, you have me now.
Jay-Z: "99 Problems"
HumanityCritic: Mom, do you know who this is??
Mom: I have no idea, who is it?
Mom: Oh, Beyonce's boyfriend!!
HumanityCritic: Ha-Ha, Yeah. This is the song that brought me out of my perpetually unexplained hatred for the man. I now realize that he is a good lyricist so I took the hater cap off.
Mom: Didn't I read somewhere that this guy named Cam'ron disrespected him? What's his deal?
HumanityCritic: Cam'ron is just a wack rapper who wants attention, and the fact that Jay-Z doesn't think that he is worth a response makes Cam'ron look like a huge pair of tits in my humble opinion. Besides him having some homeless looking guy named Jim Jones on his team, Cam'ron has the most irritating rhyme scheme imaginable. (Imitating Cam'ron) :"Fo-fana. Ro-rana To-tana, lo-lana, Sh-wana-ho-kana"
Mom:(laughing) Who did the music for this song?
HumanityCritic: Rick Rubin, the same guy who produced The Red Hot Chili Pepper's new album "Stadium Arcadium".
Mom: Plugging that fucking blog again..
HumanityCritic: Of Course. I love you mom.
Mom: I love you too, we're done right?