Ask HumanityCritic

Over the past year and change, I have done this segment entitled "Ask HumanityCritic" based on the many emails I receive where people ask me questions on myself and my views on certain things. The past few times I've done these posts I've been asked weird questions about the curvature of my penis, if I knew the proper decorum when it came to the disposing of a dead body, and if I've ever shoved a string of beads up a chicks ass during a random sexual encounter. Suffice it to say some of the questions have been out there, but I always do my best to answer every email and answer the question they posed to me both openly and honestly. The most recent questions, to be totally honest, have been the best batch of questions that a chubby pre-ejaculator has received so far. So, after I emailed each of these individuals back and got their permission to post their questions, I present all of you with the latest edition of "Ask HumanityCritic".

"HumanityCritic, you always have great rants roasting black republicans. If you can, let loose on one of your tirades concerning republicans with melanin." Tameka Omaha, Nebraska

Well, I guess my latest gripe would be concerning black republican bloggers and the Duke rape case. Listen, if you are a black person who thinks that those Lacrosse players should be exonerated if they are indeed innocent then I'm cool with that, I want to see justice served just like the next guy. But my problem with black conservative bloggers that I have noticed is that they have championed those players like they are their own children, kissing the ass of their republican readership in a "hey, can I be a part of you club guys?" sort of way. Only House Negro scum would champion the cause of men that were proven, by eye witness account by the neighbors, to have slung racial slurs around the night of the alleged incident. I'm just saying, hoping that justice is served is one thing, but bringing out the pom-poms for some motherfuckers who think that you are a "nigger" is another.

"HC, I was wondering what you thought about the slew of rappers who have came out against Oprah? Shanice Detroit, Michigan

Even though Ludacris has legitimate points concerning the treatment he received when he was on her show, and Ice Cube has a valid argument when he complains that he wasn't invited to the show that featured the show "Black and White" even though he was one of the creators, but I just think that complaining about not being on a show is so "not Hip Hop". I respect Oprah for doing her thing, but when has Oprah ever been a friend of Hip Hop culture in the first place? Just like when Tom Hanks' character said in "A League of their own" that there was "no crying in baseball", well, there is "no bitching about Oprah in Hip Hop". I mean, Hip Hop has thrived on it's exclusion by people of Oprah's ilk in the first place, so when Oprah starts having rappers on regularly and doing a two part series on B-Boying then that might be the cause for concern, being the sign of the apocalypse and all.

"HumanityCritic, I am a black woman who follows the blogishpere rather closely. I have noticed over the past year or so that people have dropped you from their blogroll, which is their choice, but those same people still kept bloggers on their role who couldn't hold your blogging jockstrap. I was wondering, do you think that there is some sort of conspiracy against you in the black blogisphere?? And, do you think that people's exclusion of you on their blogroll is a compliment, because you are so popular that it seems like it is a concscious decion on their part to do so??" Marie Boston, Mass

Wow Marie, thanks for the love, I appreciate it. You know, I'm not everyones cup of tea so if they don't want me on their blogroll, or if they want to take me off their blogroll that I was once on then that is fine by me, it is a free country.(so I'm told) But yeah, I have heard that people have banded together to boycott my blog, which used to bother me, but now I see it as a compliment if motherfuckers have to organize a movement to hate on a brother. But yeah, I hate to admit it, but I have peeped my disappearance on some people's blogs that had me linked for the longest time. I kind of want to email them and say, "Removing me is fine, but you kept a chick who is a 3-six mafia fan and a dude who wouldn't know good writing if John Grisham ass-raped him, did my throatchopping references bother you that much?" Ok, thanks Marie, I now have a complex. But I guess all you can do is recognize bloggers who have been loyal since day one.(I think you just inspired a post!)

"Critic, you have the used the term "Real Hip Hop" in many of your posts. Some people view your ideology of "real Hip Hop" as nonexistent. Defend your point." Steve.. Queens, New York


Well Steve, people will find what's "real" and what's "fake" as a matter of personal opinion, and that's fine. But as the proverbial asshole that I am, I feel that certain things after a while stop becoming opinion and start merging into the factual category. Michael Jordan being one of the best basketball players stopped being an opinion and now is a fact, DJ Jazzy Jeff being one of the illest DJ's ever stopped being simply an opinion a while ago and is now fact, Wille Mays and Hank Aaron being two of the greatest Baseball players to ever put on a uniform is a fucking fact, Rakim being one of the illest to ever grip a microphone is one of those facts that mere peasants can't refute as well. To want to do away with the terminology of "Real Hip Hop", you would tell me that along with great artists like Rakim, Kool G Rap, the Roots, and MF Doom, that the Ying Yang Twins, Mike Jones, and lil Flip would be under the same umbrella? Fuck that. All that "lets be open minded and stop being so exclusive" crap is what got us in this predicament, and we see what happens when the fucking inmates are running the asylum. So I would tell people to be Hip Hop elitists, deem what you consider to be substandard Hip Hop "fake" and what you consider exemplary to be "real", because if you don't you might find yourself snap dancing and reciting Young Jeezy lyrics verbatim. Embracing your inner asshole and showing tough love is the only way we get Hip Hop off of life support.

"If you cut off your locks, do you plan to give them to kids with cancer?" Dee Charlotte, North Carolina

Yeah, I guess. I don't mean to sound indecisive when it comes to helping out kids with cancer, I'm all for that. But, I have seen too many movies involving voodoo and hair, so I just hope that my hair doesn't end up in the wrong hands. If my penis starts glowing in the dark, or I start bleeding motor oil, then I figure that my biggest fears of being cursed by a voodoo prietess will be confirmed, huh?

"What MC we you be checking for in the next few months?" Omega. Carson, California

You know, I really like some of Saigon's material so I guess I'm anxious to hear his album. But I'm scared that the label will get to him and he will turn out like 50 Cent. God, I hope not.

"You always tend to sprinkle metaphors and similes throughout your posts, proving that you never lied when you claim yourself to be a "frustrated MC". Do you have one to throw out there?" Emanuel. Puertorico

Lets see... "In the Blogisphere, I want you to feel my presence like Santa Claus was handing out dildo's!" How's that?

"What is one thing you have done that you regret, but at the same time still find funny as hell?" Jack. Norfolk, Virginia

A couple of years ago I was down at the beach with a couple of friends, frequenting clubs and whatnot, when I came across a mime. I wanted to hear him talk in the worst way, so I slapped the fuck out of him a couple of times before he said, "Stop!! You cock-sucking asshole!!" I shouldn't have put my hands on him, but it was funny though.