Wednesday, June 07, 2006

HumanityCritic's glossary of terms

As someone who isn't that reliant on slang terms and feels that I have the ability to relate to people from all walks of life, I considered myself a sort of dread-locked chameleon so to speak. Like a seven footer who can rebound, block shots, but on top of that has serious handles and has the ability to shoot three's with ease, I kind of got arrogant with my versatility when it came to relating personally with a plethora of people, period. Alliteration aside, my world came crashing down around me recently when people that I was have been conversing with started giving me looks like I had just shit myself, pinched a nuns ass, or openly bitched about Oprah's treatment of rappers.(Pick your offense.) I have noticed that I, Humanity F Critic, tend to use my own brand of slangology that I create and use quite regularly, and forget that the people that I am talking to aren't in on the history of said slang. That being said, because I love all of you fuckers who read my daily drivel, and hope that your knowledge of "Critic" speak will enable you to buy me drinks faster if we ever get drunk together at one of those fucking "Blogger meet-ups", here are a few terms that are in my every day vernacular that I sometimes consider "normal".

Fuck on:(Verb) Because I'm such a lazy bastard and try to be as economical as possible when it comes to my phrasing, when I want people to vacate my personal space I simply say "Fuck on". Short for "get the fuck on".

Punk:(noun): I don't know if this is homophobic or not, so let me apologize before hand to all my gay brothers and sister out there. But the word "punk", in my vocabulary, is any man that was straight when they went into prison but somehow had a gay lifestyle forced upon him while they were in the penal system.(Penal sysytem, hee-hee) Sentence: "I knew that Ronny became a punk in prison when his lady told me that he only went in her "backdoor" during sex, and screamed out his prison number while climaxing."

"sucker for love ass trick":(noun) A term that I hijacked from early 90's west coast rap, this term describes any of my friends that acts completely out of character because of his love for a specific female. Sentence: "Hey, did you see where John bought his lady a new car after he found his two brothers and father plugging all three of her holes like a person about to throw a bowling ball? Sucker for love ass trick!!"

"setting picks"(verb) Simply put, this is when another man impedes your process of getting to know a girl biblically. See "Cockblocking" Sentence: "Why are you setting picks man?? She was going to go home with me before you told her that I collect the underwear of women I am with sexually, and that I can only ejaculate to Public Enemy records."

S.A.D.A.B:(verb) When you aren't in a relationship with somebody and only enjoy their company of a special someone if a sexual act is involved, you really don't want to talk about their family history of heart ailments or Geo politics. This goes for men and women, sometime you just want them to be on some hit-man shit, leave right after the deed is done. For those who "know when to fold em" so to speak, these beautiful individuals are classified as "S.A.D.A.B's"(Suck A D*CK AND BOUNCE)

Serpico:(noun) Based on the 1973 movie in which Al Pacino plays an honest cop amongst widespread corruption, I use the term "Serpico" to describe any overzealos cop. Be careful though, if a cop catches the reference you can be in a world of trouble. For example, I feel like I could have avoided a trip to court if I hadn't said, "Chill the fuck out Serpico, the doughnut shop is only a few blocks away!!"

"Clown Car": I love kids, and I respect all of the single women out there raising kids on their own, no doubt about that. That being said, "Clown Car" is a term I use for women who have like 8 kids by the age of 23 and shit. Sentence: "Jesus Christ man, she has so many fucking kids she doesn't have a vagina, she has a god-damned clown car!!"

"The Diet": Any extreme drop in pounds do to what I feel is the most dangerous weight loss drug out there, no not Trimspa baby, but crack cocaine. Example. I had a drummer who had lost a lot of weight suddenly, and rumor had it that he had a massive crack addiction. When I confronted him with it I used the term "the diet", in which he thought I meant literally, so we spent about 10 minutes talking in circles like a horrible "Who's on first?" rendition.

"Douche Baggins": This describes any freakishly short fucker who feels the need to play the tough guy because he is insecure about his height. For example: I was in a club when a midget decided to get in my face, ok, in my knee, and talk straight shit into my lower thigh. That's when I grabbed him and said, "Listen douche baggins, I will shot-put your ass across this club like I'm going for the American record, and not give a fuck.."


saga said...


actually I like to punctuate fuck on, with a heartily exhaled "da", like:
*inhales, then exhales violently* da fuck on
*inhales, then exhales violently* da fuck outta here

...ok I just wanted to be

jameil1922 said...

ugh. speaking of clown cars. i heard about this girl who had 6 kids by 21 including 2 sets of twins. and the first set of twins wasn't even her first time getting pregnant. hey stupid! wanna close your legs?

CaffeineDiva said...

That's some funny shit.
Wait... am I your S.A.D.A.B?
That's fucked up.