The other day, as I sat in the coffee shop area of a Barnes and Noble, sipping on some overly priced caffeinated beverage, flipping through a couple of magazines I was interested in with a relationship book sitting in front of me entitled "Men are from Mars and Women want the Penis"(something like that) just so I could fool all the hotties in close proximity that I was indeed "deep", a young woman asked if she could sit at my table. I obliged, not because it was the right thing to do because there weren't any seats left, but because I would love to tell my homeboys a deviant sex story that started off with "OK, she sat right beside me at Barnes and Noble and.." As we sat there, me looking at a Melissa Milano photo spread trying not to get aroused in front of a bunch of book lovers, her writing feverishly in a three ring binder like she was taking notes off of a college professor who talked entirely too fast. I waited a while to engage in conversation, primarily because I didn't want to come off as a guy who was trying to get in her panties, disguising it as simple "curiosity".
OK, I did want to get in her pants like a bill-fold, but I asked her what she was writing regardless if I came off as a man passively aggressively trying to give her an amateur breast exam some time in the future. Apparently, because she wants a husband in the worst way, she was writing all the qualifications that she feels her future husband must have. Sounds reasonable enough, until I saw the list and noticed that she had over 300 things listed. I attempted to tell her as nicely as possible that if she stuck to that list she would be a 50 year old woman, with a house full of fucking cats, wondering why a man hasn't met more than 20 of her goals on a list that would then be up in the thousands. She asked me what my qualifications for a woman were and I said that she must love Hip Hop, have a pulse, have a respectable I.Q, be a dirty slut in the bedroom, and not fucking bug me.(hey, when you are a chubby pre-ejaculator with anger issues you have to set the bar low, like "midget limbo" low to be exact) She giggled at my silliness and agreed that her list was "a bit much", but defended it by saying that she had a lot to offer and wanted to make sure that she didn't settle for less. Some people might find her saying, "I'm highly educated, speak three languages, own two homes, and have a fat bank account. I can't marry a mere mortal!" as some snob shit, and it is, but as the president of the technical school that certifies assholes, that's right up my motherfucking alley!!(I was going to step to her, but I break like 7 of her first 10 qualifications. Fuck!!) But then she said something that intrigued me, she said "But if I could be Dr. Frankenstein and make the perfect man based on these qualifications, I would be a happy camper!!"
Then I got the bright idea, no, not play Frankenstein and construct the perfect woman based on the qualifications I feel a woman must have, I feel that my female readers would be mad if I just had "must be able to make cheese eggs" and "can't have a gag reflex", so I thought about building something else. So, based on the angry emails I get based on my old "Greatest of All times" lists, the people that they feel that I left off, and their suggestions informing me that they don't fucking know what an MC truly is, I decided to go to the lab. So I got my doctor scrubs, a couple of battery chargers, and downloaded some of the best Hip Hop Albums ever to..CREATE THE PERFECT MC..
Lyrics, Flow, and Content: Ever since I have had this blog and preached the importance of a Hip Hop artist being exemplary lyricists, some people have attempted to defend their favorite lyrically challenged artist be saying, "Not everybody can be a lyrical wordsmith!!", and that is true. But get one thing clear, one someone makes an observation of an NBA player and says that he's "Not a good three point shooter" it's not because he doesn't want to shoot threes, it's that he has tried to shoot three's at some point in his career and unfortunately he found out that he sucks at it. So please, don't insult my intelligence by saying that Young Jeezy or artists of that ilk choose not to be supreme lyricists, because everyone wishes they could shoot three's.(so to speak)
That being said, if I was building the perfect MC, I would make sure that he or she would have a mastery of words that would make spelling Bee judges scratch their collective heads. My MC would never dumb down their lyrics just to acquire a fan base, often pushing the envelope intellectually on some "if you don't understand what I'm spitting then look it up dumb ass" type of attitude. Whenever I have listened to an artist with a lyrical prowess, I will even sit through a wack track they are spitting on just to see what will come out of their mouth next, my Hip Hop creation will have that affect on people. Metaphors, Similes, ability to change styles just enough to be considered versatile but not schizophrenic, and a ability to come with topics ranging from violent street tales to the effects of Global warming on the world we live in.(OK, maybe bot global warming, but you get the fucking point)
Swagger: Being a Kobe Bryant fan I have been privy to some of the stupidest shit to ever escape human lips, and tops on that list is when people say that he's "arrogant" like that is some sort of winning argument. Besides the obvious problems with that critique, them not knowing the man personally and all, given the atmosphere of competition that Bryant is in, when did being arrogant become a bad thing exactly?? Don't you want your favorite boxer to think that he is the baddest man on the planet, don't you want your favorite quarterback to think that he has laser-like accuracy when throwing that pigskin, don't you want your favorite porn star to feel that she can vaginally take in a horse like it's no problem??(OK, bad example..) But the MC that I create will be the biggest, most arrogant asshole when it comes to his/her belief that they are the greatest thing to ever hold a microphone apparatus in the history of Hip Hop. I understand that it would make them an insufferable prick, but that swagger could do nothing but help them on the Mic, that air of confidence dripping from your speakers. That being said, I would have to adjust my computer and make sure that my new creation wasn't an asshole to fans. This will be tricky.
Freestyle:You know how ugly people are the only ones to say that "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder"? Well, people who can't freestyle, or fans of artists who can't freestyle are the only ones who belittle free-styling as an unimportant facet of the art-form. Free styling, for some of the greats that I have admired over the years, seems like it is a gift from god, like the man above gave certain people impromptu rhyming abilities that some of us just don't have. But a trick to free-styling, which I can attest to, is continuous practice to the point that your mind stores a Hip Hop rolodex of rhyming words in your head that aids you when "going off the top of your head". The naysayers should understand the upsides, like coming up with words faster when writing a verse, being able to battle a public detractor of your work and not hearing the words "hey, that verse came from track 4 of your album!", and if you ever forget lyrics during a live show a freestyle can put a band-aid on the situation until you get back on track. Hell, I've seen famous Hip Hop artists sound horrible free-styling, but I gave them major points for simply attempting it. That being said, this is an ingredient that I would make sure my new creation was equipped with.
Stage Show: The worst thing in the world outside of being a black republican and getting anally raped(so I've heard), is seeing your favorite MC stand in one place during one of their concerts. I'm just a simple man who likes eggs in the morning and my women to wear catholic school uniforms before we have sex, I'm not asking that you put on a MC Hammer-like performance with a thousand dancers and pyrotechnics and shit. All I'm asking for is an entertaining show, one where you rattle off your hits and perform minimal "new shit" as possible, have your DJ keep our collective heads nodding while you get the crowd pumped up like if someone simulcasted a Farrakhan speech at a Klan rally. A great example of this was during greekfest 1990, a year after the huge riot that took place there that caused my hometown to be known internationally, and one that was documented in the Public Enemy song "Welcome to the Terrordome". Anyway, me and my friend had went to see KRS-ONE perform at one of the stages they had erected at the ocean front. For some reason the crowd was dead, and the "Blast Master" noticed this and started performing his ass off until he saw that Coke was sponsoring said event, then went on a 10 minute "The Coke company ain't nothing but a bunch of fucking drug dealers" diatribe. Because of this the organizers cut his mic off, forcing KRS to finish the show through a megaphone, now that's Hip Hop!
Hip Hop fans, what should I add to make my creation complete??