Friday, June 02, 2006

Creating the Perfect MC: On some truly Dr. Frankenstein shit..

The other day, as I sat in the coffee shop area of a Barnes and Noble, sipping on some overly priced caffeinated beverage, flipping through a couple of magazines I was interested in with a relationship book sitting in front of me entitled "Men are from Mars and Women want the Penis"(something like that) just so I could fool all the hotties in close proximity that I was indeed "deep", a young woman asked if she could sit at my table. I obliged, not because it was the right thing to do because there weren't any seats left, but because I would love to tell my homeboys a deviant sex story that started off with "OK, she sat right beside me at Barnes and Noble and.." As we sat there, me looking at a Melissa Milano photo spread trying not to get aroused in front of a bunch of book lovers, her writing feverishly in a three ring binder like she was taking notes off of a college professor who talked entirely too fast. I waited a while to engage in conversation, primarily because I didn't want to come off as a guy who was trying to get in her panties, disguising it as simple "curiosity".

OK, I did want to get in her pants like a bill-fold, but I asked her what she was writing regardless if I came off as a man passively aggressively trying to give her an amateur breast exam some time in the future. Apparently, because she wants a husband in the worst way, she was writing all the qualifications that she feels her future husband must have. Sounds reasonable enough, until I saw the list and noticed that she had over 300 things listed. I attempted to tell her as nicely as possible that if she stuck to that list she would be a 50 year old woman, with a house full of fucking cats, wondering why a man hasn't met more than 20 of her goals on a list that would then be up in the thousands. She asked me what my qualifications for a woman were and I said that she must love Hip Hop, have a pulse, have a respectable I.Q, be a dirty slut in the bedroom, and not fucking bug me.(hey, when you are a chubby pre-ejaculator with anger issues you have to set the bar low, like "midget limbo" low to be exact) She giggled at my silliness and agreed that her list was "a bit much", but defended it by saying that she had a lot to offer and wanted to make sure that she didn't settle for less. Some people might find her saying, "I'm highly educated, speak three languages, own two homes, and have a fat bank account. I can't marry a mere mortal!" as some snob shit, and it is, but as the president of the technical school that certifies assholes, that's right up my motherfucking alley!!(I was going to step to her, but I break like 7 of her first 10 qualifications. Fuck!!) But then she said something that intrigued me, she said "But if I could be Dr. Frankenstein and make the perfect man based on these qualifications, I would be a happy camper!!"

Then I got the bright idea, no, not play Frankenstein and construct the perfect woman based on the qualifications I feel a woman must have, I feel that my female readers would be mad if I just had "must be able to make cheese eggs" and "can't have a gag reflex", so I thought about building something else. So, based on the angry emails I get based on my old "Greatest of All times" lists, the people that they feel that I left off, and their suggestions informing me that they don't fucking know what an MC truly is, I decided to go to the lab. So I got my doctor scrubs, a couple of battery chargers, and downloaded some of the best Hip Hop Albums ever to..CREATE THE PERFECT MC..

Lyrics, Flow, and Content: Ever since I have had this blog and preached the importance of a Hip Hop artist being exemplary lyricists, some people have attempted to defend their favorite lyrically challenged artist be saying, "Not everybody can be a lyrical wordsmith!!", and that is true. But get one thing clear, one someone makes an observation of an NBA player and says that he's "Not a good three point shooter" it's not because he doesn't want to shoot threes, it's that he has tried to shoot three's at some point in his career and unfortunately he found out that he sucks at it. So please, don't insult my intelligence by saying that Young Jeezy or artists of that ilk choose not to be supreme lyricists, because everyone wishes they could shoot three's.(so to speak)

That being said, if I was building the perfect MC, I would make sure that he or she would have a mastery of words that would make spelling Bee judges scratch their collective heads. My MC would never dumb down their lyrics just to acquire a fan base, often pushing the envelope intellectually on some "if you don't understand what I'm spitting then look it up dumb ass" type of attitude. Whenever I have listened to an artist with a lyrical prowess, I will even sit through a wack track they are spitting on just to see what will come out of their mouth next, my Hip Hop creation will have that affect on people. Metaphors, Similes, ability to change styles just enough to be considered versatile but not schizophrenic, and a ability to come with topics ranging from violent street tales to the effects of Global warming on the world we live in.(OK, maybe bot global warming, but you get the fucking point)

Swagger: Being a Kobe Bryant fan I have been privy to some of the stupidest shit to ever escape human lips, and tops on that list is when people say that he's "arrogant" like that is some sort of winning argument. Besides the obvious problems with that critique, them not knowing the man personally and all, given the atmosphere of competition that Bryant is in, when did being arrogant become a bad thing exactly?? Don't you want your favorite boxer to think that he is the baddest man on the planet, don't you want your favorite quarterback to think that he has laser-like accuracy when throwing that pigskin, don't you want your favorite porn star to feel that she can vaginally take in a horse like it's no problem??(OK, bad example..) But the MC that I create will be the biggest, most arrogant asshole when it comes to his/her belief that they are the greatest thing to ever hold a microphone apparatus in the history of Hip Hop. I understand that it would make them an insufferable prick, but that swagger could do nothing but help them on the Mic, that air of confidence dripping from your speakers. That being said, I would have to adjust my computer and make sure that my new creation wasn't an asshole to fans. This will be tricky.

Freestyle:You know how ugly people are the only ones to say that "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder"? Well, people who can't freestyle, or fans of artists who can't freestyle are the only ones who belittle free-styling as an unimportant facet of the art-form. Free styling, for some of the greats that I have admired over the years, seems like it is a gift from god, like the man above gave certain people impromptu rhyming abilities that some of us just don't have. But a trick to free-styling, which I can attest to, is continuous practice to the point that your mind stores a Hip Hop rolodex of rhyming words in your head that aids you when "going off the top of your head". The naysayers should understand the upsides, like coming up with words faster when writing a verse, being able to battle a public detractor of your work and not hearing the words "hey, that verse came from track 4 of your album!", and if you ever forget lyrics during a live show a freestyle can put a band-aid on the situation until you get back on track. Hell, I've seen famous Hip Hop artists sound horrible free-styling, but I gave them major points for simply attempting it. That being said, this is an ingredient that I would make sure my new creation was equipped with.

Stage Show: The worst thing in the world outside of being a black republican and getting anally raped(so I've heard), is seeing your favorite MC stand in one place during one of their concerts. I'm just a simple man who likes eggs in the morning and my women to wear catholic school uniforms before we have sex, I'm not asking that you put on a MC Hammer-like performance with a thousand dancers and pyrotechnics and shit. All I'm asking for is an entertaining show, one where you rattle off your hits and perform minimal "new shit" as possible, have your DJ keep our collective heads nodding while you get the crowd pumped up like if someone simulcasted a Farrakhan speech at a Klan rally. A great example of this was during greekfest 1990, a year after the huge riot that took place there that caused my hometown to be known internationally, and one that was documented in the Public Enemy song "Welcome to the Terrordome". Anyway, me and my friend had went to see KRS-ONE perform at one of the stages they had erected at the ocean front. For some reason the crowd was dead, and the "Blast Master" noticed this and started performing his ass off until he saw that Coke was sponsoring said event, then went on a 10 minute "The Coke company ain't nothing but a bunch of fucking drug dealers" diatribe. Because of this the organizers cut his mic off, forcing KRS to finish the show through a megaphone, now that's Hip Hop!

Hip Hop fans, what should I add to make my creation complete??

18 comments:

MyUtopia said...

It seems pretty complete.

MistaFire said...

Versatility: Excuse if I spelled it wrong...I'm not spell checking, but the ability to step into any cipher and bring it. Some cats are stuck in one type of zone or era and can't transcend it and go out of their comfort zone. Back in the days, one of my lines was even if it's opera I'll still sound proper.

Charles said...

This is an excellent post...I couldn't agree with you more...

POPS said...

appeal. not mass appeal, but enough for the hip-hop heads or the random radion regulars or the street hustlers all to connetc with him/her in some way, shape, or form.

BLESSD1 said...

Man...there are a couple of cats I feel bring almost all of the elements you named. Immortal Technique is holding it down; even when I aint feeling his tracks, I listen to the song just so I can hear what he says. Yo...anyone who isn't up on the Immortal needs to peep out Immortal Technique...Revolutionary Vol. 2 (Man...he should pay me for all of the notariety I dole out) LOL!

LiYing said...

Heyy there I saw your little comment on my blog... just dropping by to thank you for... well, for dropping by! hehe... :D

ChezNiki said...

LOL@ "hey, that verse came from track 4 of your album!"

But I would have to say "Longevity." That would be on my list for my Frankenstein man and for MCs

Was that first pic Rakim? Rakim, LL, even Big Daddy Kane (who I saw in concert last year!?!?!) This is where the younger cats inherit their skills and most of their money from. When I first heard Twista I was like "So what? Big Daddy Kane was rapping fast back in mid-1980s!" LL showed us his abs in the 1990s and he still has them!. And when they dug up Rakim for Truth Hurts' song...I liked to pass out! His voice still makes me get moist!!!

I have to say, as corny as it is, I like when the artists actually stay alive long enough to branch out into other areas. People may laugh at Queen Latifah, IceT, Russell Simmons, Rev. Run, MosDef, Luda, Puffy, Sticky Fingaz...but their acting, singing, clothing lines, Oscar nominations and fragrances have helped them to make the money they should have made back in the height of their rap careers.

Sorry for posting on your comments section! But being from the Bronx, this subject is near and dear.

Peace

jameil1922 said...

a beat dammit. i love everything you have and all that is absolutely a necessity when constructing the perfect mc, but dammit if half of them don't have to wackest beats ever. and while you're at it, add some true instrumentation.

Cece said...

He shoud be cute and with a sense of style. Jerseys and Air Force One's don't count.

ManNMotion said...

Paris Hilton

DJ Ho said...

I'd add Originality - the ability to come out with something fresh, or different to the mainstream, to start a trend, or something that is way ahead of its time.

Quel said...

Yup. Jay ZZ has MAD swagger.

And I agree with Chezniki 100%

Mr. Clark said...

Personality -- You don't want to have some Destro looking dumb-shit-fuck trying to rhyme to you. It wouldn't work because they seem like they'd be the human version of Plank (Ed, Edd, 'n Eddy) on the mic (see: Talib Kweli).

Luke Cage said...

An authentic street cred HC. Not like Cam'Ron & Beanie Siegel are doing right now. Hiring cats to shoot 'em in the arm and rip off their jewelry, but cats who can establish a loyal following in their hood without manufactured and psuedo street presence. Like dudes who sold their cd's and tapes from the trunks of their cars, the hood recognized that these brothas were down for the artform. They breathed, slept, and in some sad instances would die for hip hop. Street Cred. Most definitely man. Great post!

C Love "The Rap Addict" said...

i agree street cred is required...very great post!!!

Brother OMi said...

even though i am a freestyle fanatic, i don't think they need freestyle. but everything else is dope...

a stage presence a must...

olumide2000 said...

My Perfect Frankestein MC
1. Jay Z-Swagger/Lyrical ability
2. Phonte of Little Brother- ability to generate nostalgic emotions and raw feeling
3. KRS ONE!! - World View and smackdatassability
4. L.E.G.A.C.Y - Nobody can brag like this dude
5.Mos Def... I Mean...It's Mos DEF!
6. Lil John - Going against the mold, there's no one as hype as this cat. Raw Energy on a track
7. Me- I need the cash.
8. Murda Mooch - I might have misspelled the dude's name here, but he's the cat that battled Serius Jones on Smack...He's nice. The ability to crush another mc is a must and he's got the skills.

All that plus tracks by Premier,
?uestlove, The Neptunes, and Dr. Dre and I'm good...I'm good

Jonzee said...

Improvisation and crowd-level comfort. I say this because I have seen a show in different locations where the MC did the same almost exact performance and got totally different vibe and didn't seem to be able to flip it up to geteh crowd going. To me the MC and DJ (or band) need to be able to do so.