Thursday, June 22, 2006

HumanityCritic's Guinness Book of World Records.

As long as I can remember, and being a connoisseur of hemp my recollections are a bit fuzzy, I have been obsessed with records. No, I'm not talking about the "two turntables and a mic, watch a motherfucker scratch behind his back" kind of records, but more on the unsurpassed accomplishment type of records. If I wasn't studying that Guinness Book of world records like it was my bible, I was coming home to break my own personal records on a regular basis. From trying to break my personal best in the broad jump, having vomit inducing speed eating contests with my cousins, I even think I had a string of 50 victories straight in the age old immature game of pencil fighting. When I got to high school I was arrogant, and because I just knew that I would be a bona fide track and field phenom, I just knew that all the records posted in the gymnasium would come down faster than Shaq's yearly scoring average. But as time went on though, my arrogance turned to heartbreak as I knew that I was nowhere near as good as I had to be to break those particular records. The 100m time was damn near a second faster than my personal best, my furthest long just was 3 feet short of my school record, we won't even go into the 200 meter disparity. Suffice it to say, I abandoned the idea of breaking any type of record for a long time.

That is until recently. People, aren't there certain in things in life that you feel that you do so often that you should hold some sort of record for it? Have you ever played your favorite song constantly, visit a store an ungodly amount of times, said a phrase that you have uttered a million times to the point that if Guiness was around documenting your repetitive behavior that somewhere a pimpley kid will be reading about your exploits in a yearly record book? I don't know, maybe no one else feels this way, maybe I have too much time on my hands, maybe I should masturbate less and come up with posts with much better content. Who knows, but the following list are things I have done enough times to garner me a world record, if the good people at guinness recorded such things.

Times I have listened to "De la Soul" is dead:(20,000): Yes De La Soul is one of my favorite groups of all time, yes I respect them immensely because they are on the short list of artists who always push the creative envelope and could care less about radio play, but to be honest "De la Soul is dead" is hardly my favorite album. I guess the next question you must have, being that I arrogantly feel that people who read my blog are a pack of intellectual motherfuckers, is "Why in the hell have you listened to that album so much??" Well, I don't know what it is, but every time I get in the shower and wash the stench off myself probably caused by a woman of ill repute, I have to have some sort of music playing while I lather up. The one tape that has been lodged in my "bathroom radio" for the past decade has indeed been "De La Soul is Dead". I never thought about changing it, putting a CD in the radio instead, even braving the wackness that is local radio as I vigorously clean my "hot spots". Maybe it's a good luck charm or something, but I'm the only person probably in the world that can recite that album verbatim. Song lyrics, skits, ad libs, the album is burned in my memory forever.

Times I have said that "Hip Hop is on life support":(400) Listen, I can tell by their defeated sighs that my friends are tired of me always waxing poetically about the current state of Hip Hop. Even though I don't particularly think the art form is deceased, I constantly use the "life support" analogy because even though I think there is a chance for a happy outcome, the chances of that are as bleak as a Paris Hilton pap smear. I can understand my friends wanting to put me in a choke hold as I talk about the decline of hip hop, I can be repetitive sometimes. But, what I can't stand for is when one of my friend's want to quickly dismiss my "life support" analogy, suggesting that opinion is the furthest thing from the truth. I feel like Chris Rock when in his comedy skit he was refuting a republicans claim that white males were "losing this country", where he angrily says "Have you driven around this motherfucker lately??" To those people who quickly dismiss the piss poor state of Hip Hop, have you driven around the Hip Hop landscape lately?? (Figuratively that is.) Yeah, that's the one time that I want to knock someones teeth down their fucking throat for being optimistic.

Times I have struck someone in the throat: For anyone who reads this knows, I could be a 100 pound weakling, simply embellishing about the many episodes of hand to hand combat that I have been involved in during the course of my life. That's fine, but if you believe one thing that I have ever written please believe this, hitting someone in the throat is a winning option if you are ever in trouble. For one thing, if done correctly, you get to kick, punch, or ridicule your victim for a while after delivering said blow as they desperately try to regain their breath. Also, the person in question is so shocked that you hit them in the neck that even if they recover quickly physically, most times you own them mentally to the point that they don't want any part of you.

Times I have poured beer on a woman:(50) A lot of this blog, as people who are friends of mine will tell you, is recollections of things that happened in the past. Granted, I am still a pre-ejaculator, single, and I do have anger problems, those things are current as a motherfucker. But the whole "pouring beer on women" thing is something that is a thing of the past, when I lived a faster lifestyle and when I simply didn't give a flying fuck. For all the feminists who are planning a lynch mob visit to my house rest assured, the women who I poured malted hopps on were unruly harlots, if that makes any difference at all. But yeah, any time a woman disrespected a member of my family, shot down a friend of mine in a unnecessarily mean fashion, any garden variety offense like that, in no time she was getting a pitcher of beer poured on her person while I stood above said woman laghing my ass off. If was fun seeing the utter shock on the face of the drenched victim, it was also a hoot bitch-slapping any dude who attempted to run up and be her knight and shining armor. I sure had issues, who am I bullshitting, I still do.


Brother OMi said...

Biddies in the BK lounge,
Biddies in the BK Lounge
all they do is beg and they scrounge

classic man

don wun yu wrincaled hussah!

"i can't be your lover....."


hardCore said...


number of days i've eaten at the same restaurant in succession. (17) a mexican spot called "los arcos" off covington highway in the atl.

number of gummy bears and gummy worms eaten in a lifetime. (830498457098540579403) yes, i'm a fan of the gummys, but only the good kind like harabee.

most showers taken in one day. (8) the fact that i used to be quite the athlete, combined with humid ass st. louis weather, well....u do the math.

niya holland said...


GG said...

At least now I know I have someone I can do the "Bitties in the BK Lounge" skit with!

West said...

I think you already know, but I feel compelled to say, that the beer-pouring thing was and always has been pretty fucked-up.

Interesting post, though.

The Stiltwalker said...

You know I'm beginning to think that maybe I've been one of your victims in the past. Mardi Gras was a hell of an event. Got chopped in the throat, bit, liquor/beer all on me (numerous times), almost got cut in a razor fite, got chased by some dykes......If it wasn't for Katrina, N O definitely would have killed me.

Jerry MaDick said...

The only record I hold is owning the most Eric Davis baseball cards. That was an investment that went sour, but he was a bad man when he was healthy.

Record: 426 cards.

Actually, friends from high school used to give them to me in college b/c they knew. I haven't added those. Could be more. I'm not sharing this out of pride. Just sharing.

jirzygurl said...

LOL @ unruly harlot... why did I picture the snoop dogg/dr. dre video where they douse some chick with beer for being "stank".
I think I could very well hold the record in any category having to do with popping gum... I can get a beat going and everything... what can I say, I am gifted with my mouth! LOL

Another Conflict Theorist said...

"Lissen, lissen. I'm Hemorrhoid. I'M the leader.."

Becca said...

Hey, man. I really liked your first thoat chop picture much better. Way more indicative of the pain and humiliation that is someone getting throat chopped.

jameil1922 said...

real bitter about beer throwing b/c this dude's pregnant wife showed up at a party. 20 mins after she left he was pushin up on my girl. then got mad when i asked her how she always found the married ones. she said i don't know. he poured a beer on her for "lying." bitch you sat on this damn couch lookin down her shirt for the last 20mins while she constantly told you you weren't gettin the number. waaaaaaaaack.

i want the record for owning the most nine west shoes. very sad its only at 15. but i think that may be the record among my friends at least. reading this made me want to go buy another pair. my sis owns a school record in discus. where the hell is my record????!

solitaire said...

^ I'm sure someone can beat your Nine West record...probably my mom.

Darling HC, this is your Campaign Manager speaking. Let's get ready to throatchop the comp, yet again!!

The beer thing... I know you get the satisfaction of seeing a dizzy dame even dizzier... but isn't that a waste of money? I don't consume beer (or ANY alcohol, for that matter) but from what I hear, it can add up... $$$$

kevin said...

I was a scrawny 100-pound weakiling as a kid, and a neighbor kid once tried to teach me to use your throat chop move making the same claim you did, that it would knowck the breath out of them. I never got the chance to use it, but I'm glad to hear people really do. We could all use a little more throat chop in our lives.

Sleep said...

De La Soul is Dead, is quite a dope album. But 20,000 times? One Word: DAYYYYYYYYYUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMM.

My favorite album is either Illmatic or Paid in Full and I've maybe listened to them in a total of 100 times. Damn man well keep your records up!

Chubby Chocolate said...

We're tied on the De La Soul is Dead record....Don't get me to type recite!!!!

And when I step back, ya tamper with ma FOOOOOOD!!!!

Too late...Now I'm cravin a donut.

Miz JJ said...

I saw De La in concert two years ago. It was one of the best concerts I've ever been to.

You threw beer on a woman because she rejected your friend in a 'mean way'. Man, sometimes you need to reject dudes that way so they'll leave your ass alone.

Jonzee said...

Here we go. I had to go dig out a notebook from the 7th grade. It was a school project on the Guiness book, and shit for the first one:

Listened to Heavy D's "More Bounce to the Ounce"
-976.5 (.5 because my brother broke in anger half way through

Asked my parents for a dog in one week: 18

Talked on the phone to my 'boyfriend' on the phone--9 hours (some of which was us breathing to one another.)

I have to say, I own every De La Soul record, and I am especially enamored with the latest--The Grind Date. Could listen to that one 'till I knew it all verbatim--if it hadn't been "borrowed" each and every of the 4 times I bought it.