Wednesday, June 14, 2006
A few of my pet peeves..
A female friend, not the "I never got around to putting my phallus inside you" variety, but the "Wow, men and women can have platonic friendships" kind, hit me with something that came completely out of left field. No, she didn't sobbingly admit to me that she had loved me for the longest time, despite the various deviant sex stories that ended with me wiping bodily fluids on the drapes of a woman I was having sex with. She surprisingly said, "HumanityCritic, you should be a male model!!" I laughed at first, waiting her to laugh with me because of the obvious joke I just knew she was hurling in my direction, but after a few moments of her looking at me quite stoically I knew she was serious. I said, "You have got to me shitting me right??", in which she answered, "I'm dead serious, you are a very attractive man." Listen, I'm not going to hit any of you with that fake self-loathing, where it is simply a device to get sympathy from all the women out there who pity my blubbery existence, but I am confident in saying that I am an amazingly average dude. Average like Keanu Reeve's acting, Mike Epps' comedy, or the raping of Ice Cube post 1993, just fucking average.
I was happy that she thought I was something worth looking at, but I said "What would I model exactly, "before" pictures?? Would I be a part of the "Guy's who are a sandwich away from never seeing their dick again" calendar?? No thanks!" She shook her head, then proceeded to take a digital camera out of her purse and shoot me as if she was paparazzi on crack. I flashed a few poses for her and entertained her sporadic nonsense, but was surprised when she said, "You think I'm bullshitting, I'm going to turn these pictures along with some of your band pictured that I took into a calender and send a copy to as many people that read your blog that I can!" I laughed because of the ridiculousness of it, but was jolted with a warm feeling of fear when I realized that this was the same woman who walked into a crowded restaurant and punched a girl who had just broken up with me in the face, so I realized that she might mean business.
So, since I have read enough X-rated filth in my day to know what usually accompanies a photo spread(even though I usually ignore any words on the page and loudly say, "I'm not trying to read an in-depth article on your ass, your name is "Wanda Fuckalot" and I just want to see your ovaries!!") I thought I would cover my bases in case any of you get a copy of of a calendar that I have titled, "America's top Cheeseburger Model". So, because I have to do anything to keep people from vomiting because of my unclean shaved "Black Grizzly Adams" look, my long dread-locked "Black Jesus" imitation, and a frame that would even have Fat Joe sarcastically saying "Damn HumanityCritic, have another doughnut why don't you??", I felt that I really had to jazz up the "Pet Peeves" section. Here you go.
Flip Flops and Sandals: I don't know what it is, but I have a weird mental block when it comes to seeing someones feet. I mean, I don't cringe when a lovers feet touches my body, and I don't insist that a woman put sneakers on if she showers with me, my neuroses isn't that intense. It's not even that I would discourage a woman that I am dating from wearing sandals on a warn spring day, yet. I guess my mental block has to do with me showing my feet to the public, for the whole world to see. I by know means have "Tales of the Crypt, Cryptkeeper" feet, it is just that I have run a lifelong "no open shoe" footwear agenda, as if I was a presidential candidate and that was my only platform. My mother, a woman that I love and would die for, a woman who can openly call me an asshole and question her reasons for giving birth to me and I won't flinch in the least, but let her suggest that I start wearing sandals and I look at her like she had just mounted a confederate flag in the middle of her living room. Also, men wearing sandals irks me as well, especially my close friends. I can't tell you how irritating it is to me when me and the guys are hanging out on a night on the town and one of those motherfuckers are wearing open-toed shoes, exposing ten toes that can only be compared to ten little pieces of hamster shit. For a guy who fancies himself pretty quick with the quips, and ready with the retorts, the only thing that I can muster out of my mouth when a friend of mine wears open-toed shoes is, "Dirty fucking hippie!!"
Early morning babble: Ladies, there is nothing like looking at you fast asleep, appearing almost angelic laying there after a night of pre-ejaculatory love making. Even after we are awake at the same time, clutched in an embrace that the jaws of life would have trouble getting between us, us both knowing that naked hugs of that sort will lead to "early morning insertion", I'm cool with all of that to be totally honest. But what I'm not cool with is as soon as I wake up, to be bombarded with and arsenal of questions as if Alex Trebek had hosted "Jeopardy" after an all night coke and speed binge. Jesus Christ lady, can't a brother gather himself before he hears how your co-worker is a bitch, Beyonce's horse-like weave, and the Chinese lady who does your fucking nails, the one that you think is calling you racist names in her native tongue?? I not only dated a girl who would literally talk to me before I woke up in the morning, but after I gained full consciousness and started to fall back asleep she would physically wake me back up just to finish her asinine tale about an ex who "keeps calling her." Note to all the men out there, women don't like being told to "shut the fuck up", suggesting sexual fellatial acts to keep them quit, or using their scarves as a mouth gag.
People who say that they don't watch televison: I guess this goes for movies as well, let me explain: If you don't watch a considerable amount of movies and television because unlike me you have a life, I respect that immensely. I know that not everyone is the calibre of loser that I am where they can talk openly about "My Name is Earl" episodes, what happened to Jack Bauer at the end of "24", and wax poetic about the latest Indie Flick to come out in theaters. But what I hate, with a passion, when people tell you "Ohh, I don't watch television" or "I don't see movies", with sort of a constipated elitism that it seems that they hadn't taken a healthy shit since the Clinton administration. Seriously, fuck you, if you aren't familiar with the specific movie or television show that I'm talking about then just say that you aren't familiar with it and move the fuck on. Not only that, the main people that act so condescending when it comes to "not watching T.V" are the same people who like the worst bands and Hip Hop imaginable.
People who say that I take things too seriously: I'm not going to lie to you, if your lady is fine and you and me aren't great friends, her ass might end up back at the "Chateau" wondering why she is getting clumsily humped to Public Enemy's "Black Steel in the Hour of Chaos". I'm not going to lie to you, I might not be the best role model to your kids, because of my blistering honesty you might hear me answer one of their questions "Just walk into your 5th grade class, and hit that motherfucker with your lunchbox!!" As you can tell I lack in certain areas, but what I do have is the ability to see the true meaning behind the words that your garden variety idiot spews out. If you were to show someone your art, whether it was a drawing or a piece of music, and they said it was "interesting" it means that they hate it. When a woman says, "It's not you, it's me!" after a break-up, it means that she is fucking someone else and his penis is a lot bigger than yours. When someone claims that you are taking something "too seriously", it is their way to avoid an argument that they obviously can't contribute to, and pretty much have no knowledge about. When people say that you take Hip Hop, politics, religion, sports, etc, too seriously just dismiss them as dumbasses who can't admit their blistering idiocy, then proceed to get yourself a new batch of friends with I.Q's above lunch meat.
People who spout FOX News information with confidence: If you believe that FOX News is a credible news source then I have some swamp land to sell you, along with a couple of tales I want to throw your way concerning a man who can hardly get his glutenous ass down your chimney and a silly bitch with wings who puts loose change under your pillow in exchange of a couple of bicuspids. That being said, my Danny is the poster boy for FOX News' misinformation. I love the guy and have been his friend for the past 20 years, but when he tried to tell me that "Global Warming is a myth", I felt an assault charge coming on. Then we also have the time he tried to somehow tell me that Bush's non service in Vietnam was more honorable than John Kerry going to Vietnam, being a war hero, and later on protesting it. Then we have the time that my head almost exploded when he confidently told me that "Kerry was a Flip-flopper", but couldn't point to any specific points where he "flip flopped'. It is frustrating having a republican best friend, but I have to give it to the right wing because they figured out a simple truth when it comes to getting your message across. That message is, repeat something enough, regardless how absurd it is, and people will start believing it.(At least republicans will)
Women who listen to their no men having friends: In my long and illustrious dating history, the best friends of women that I have dated hated me in the worst way. Maybe they were jealous that they themselves didn't have a man that could fart "Brickhouse" with buttcheek accuracy, maybe they were green with envy that the guy that they are interested in doesn't have 200 sperm related jokes like yours truly does, or maybe they are just looking out for their friends because of the time that I drunkenly hit at them at a party. Regardless, pretty soon it is evident that the "best friend" is no fan of mine, and within a month or so I get that "My friend Janet thinks that you are a piece of shit" speech. Looking back they were probably right, but being that they didn't have any clairvoyant skills there was no way of her knowing that for sure. But one thing I have noticed is that the best friend that is usually putting salt in your game is the same chick that hasn't had a man since the first "Blade" movie, or she has a man but he treats her like a punching bag. Even though the following speech resulted in this particular relationship being over, I expressed something that all men want to tell your woman's nosey ass friend. The following diatribe was uttered by yours truly after the woman in question laced me with a drunken "you ain't shit and my friend can do better" rant. HumanityCritic: "Advice coming from the likes of you is rich, I'm wondering why you aren't a lesbian by now, any women who has had that many dicks in her would be desensitized by it. Let's talk about your boyfriends that you constantly talk about leaving, each time we see you its either "I fell down the stairs", "I fell while rollerskating!!", or "I ran into the wall!!. I'm sorry, but no one is THAT fucking clumsy.