Friday, June 02, 2006

My Twisted Logic: What went wrong with the following relationships..

Let me say this immediately so people out there don't get it confused, when it comes to 99.9% of the relationships I have been in, I am the sole reason for the demise of said relationships. Whether it is my all around laziness, me being unavailable emotionally, my inconsiderate nature, the fact that I have a porn vault, or me having intercourse with other women, I can be a man about it and except the responsibility of being the insufferable prick in those relationship equations. That being said I only see the error in my ways through the luxury of hindsight, immediately after the death of those relationship I had a totally different view on "who's fault" it was. Again, ladies, I am the bad guy here and I see that, this were just my feelings immediately after "the break up".

Woman #1: Have you ever had such a bad experience with someone that you say silly shit like, "I'm not ever fucking with someone from New York again!!"? That sums up woman #1 to a tee, a well meaning person, but a broad with so many emotional scars you would think she moonlights as a baggage handler in her spare time. She was very untrusting of men so when I came over her house late she would assume that I was with another woman, which I was, but I always felt insulted because she wasn't Nostradamus!! We would constantly argue about things that I thought were silly, you know, me failing to call her, coming to her house constantly high, us hardly going out, and me telling her that I thought her sister had a "phat ass" during sex. I guess she got fed up with my antics and she found relief in the arms of another man, something that she sobbingly admitted to me soon after. I took her back, not because everyone should get a second chance in life and we "all make mistakes", but because I wanted to be with her long enough to fuck one of her co-workers that I had my eye on. When she found out that I had "relations" with the girl in the cooking wear department she broke up with me, and my only response was, "But we're even now, now we can be a happy couple again!!! Don't leave!!"

Woman #2: This is the woman I met immediately after I received the pink slip from my 5 year relationship. I told her this, even though I didn't have to because I'm sure I had the words "pathetic and sad bastard" carved on my forehead. She was a cool person with a lot of great qualities, but even after a couple of years and my heart healed somewhat, I guess I couldn't get the "you are the first chick I met after I was devastated" taste out of my mouth. When I realized it I flat out told her that I didn't want to be her boyfriend, and to stop "wasting her time on me". The problem with that is I think she took my blatant honesty as simply a guy "afraid of love", so she was persistent to make a relationship with the man you all know as Humanity F Critic work out. Eventually she got the point, even using my words back at me by saying "You know, you ARE a cancer!!" before she told me about a new guy she was seeing. Even though I felt her verbal attempt to feel better about herself was a bit contrived, I am glad that she didn't waste any more of her valuable years on a guy who would just blog about her anyways..

Woman #3: This by far is the only ex that I'm cool with, probably because we share a love for independent movies and other nerd shit like that, she is a great person. We were together a couple of years, she stuck with me even though I was the worst boyfriend imaginable, I hardly saw her and when I did see her it always ended up with us folded up like origami. I guess the obvious question you have besides wondering if I indeed am a chronic pre-ejaculator, is "If she was so cool and you two had so many "like" interests, why were you a shitty boyfriend??" Well, it has to do with cell phones, let me explain: I don't trust a person as far as I can throw them, and with my bad back you can imagine how little that is, but once you do something that betray's my trust in the slightest I shut off to you emotionally. Well, whenever she was over and I would return from the bathroom, or I would return back to our table at a restaurant, I would notice her constantly quickly putting away her phone like she had something to hide. I don't know, maybe it was just one of her quirks, but from that point on it did something to me and caused me to treat that relationship as casually as possible.

Woman #4: An old rocker gave me some solid advice once, he said "HumanityCriic, lesson one, don't fuck your fans!!" I understood where he was coming from, not wanting to ruin someones myth of you with a subpar bedroom performance, and the legal ramifications it might lead to, but based on the source I had to question the legitimacy of this rocker's advice. I mean, dude was like 300 pounds and looked like a baboons nutsack, so the possibility of someone fucking him seemed slim to say the least. Anyway, I made the mistake of getting intimate with a woman who would come see my band play and was one of our biggest supporters. Her and I would always talk after the show on everything from world politics to the cluster fuck that is the Bush administration, I felt that I had met my intellectual equal. As I quickly found out she didn't want me for my mind. Karma is a motherfucker, because when I wanted to take her out she would say, in her sexy laid back voice, "Naw, lets just stay here and fuck!". Don't get me wrong, similar to sock puppets reenacting sex I have no problems with intercourse with no strings attached. But after a while, when I would be laying besides her talking about some topic I thought was important, she would interrupt me with "Yeah, Yeah, Hip Hop is deteriorating.. Come here, shut up and fuck me!!" I officially felt like a piece of meat, which I thought I was fine with, until I found words coming out of my mouth that I thought I would never utter: "I can't fuck with you any more, you treat me like an object and not a person!!" Jesus, I wish I could have that one back.


jameil1922 said...

hahahahahahahahahahahahhahaahahaha. 30 secs after i read that i'm still laughin my ass off. "I can't fuck with you any more, you treat me like an object and not a person!!" classic. i had the same response when one of my guy friends said that to me about some chick. i was like oh how quickly the tables turn. hilarious.

Rikki is a mess!! said...

WOW!! I have never had any of those issuse. I feel so young.

Amadeo said...

You get mad points for using cluster fuck in a sentence.

blah,blah,blah said...

pretty funny stuff, until i saw some pathetic resemblance of myself. sort of a ha ha, [followed by slowly faltering voice]

then so would you say "its not you its me?", then agan we all universally know who its actually about.

Crystal said...

Am I a dude?

There is a guy I call over every now and then when I want to get laid. However, I have to have an internal fight with myself about inviting him over everytime because I know that after I get off and am laying there trying to relax and go to sleep he is going to say, "Does this mean you love me now, baby?"

Eh, crap.

JUST GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! and then I threaten to call his wife.

Now I know how it is, and I will never harass another man again. After sex only. Harassment is completely acceptable under all other circumstances.