Thursday, June 29, 2006

A heart-warming tale: Why I despise organized religion..

The other day, for the life of me I couldn't tell you why, I did something that I thought I would never do again. No, I haven't decided to start fucking midgets again, haven't purchased another Eminem album, and the only reason I wore that speedo last year was because the woman I was intimate with told me that seeing my derriere made her hotter than Lil Kim's crotch on African Safari. After a long absence, Humanity F Critic decided to take his black ass to church. Don't let the title of this post fool you, I do believe in a higher power, and that isn't based on some sort of blind faith either. I mean, who else could have saved me from myself, those 1000 fights I have been in, the suicidal path that I took when I tried to drink myself to death, that had to be an act of god.(I am the poster boy for the "god looks after fools and babies" term) Lastly, when my father was healthy, one of the only topics that we agreed on were the foolish actions of people who were heavily religious. We called them "nut-bags", "bible thumping freaks", and every other name under the sun. So, I couldn't ignore the irony in it all as we were both praying, with our hands clutched, as my father lay there dying on his death bed on that rainy Sunday afternoon in February 01. Weirder in fact was later that night, when I had a dream of a thin dread-locked man with a white light behind him, approaching me screaming "Oh, NOW you want to pray to me, huh?? People kill me, wait people did kill me, man I kill me sometimes. hahaha" Some truly freaky shit.

So after a long layoff, I decided to take my dark complected ass to church, not only because I felt like it is something that I should be doing, but also this was the first Sunday since my mid 20's where I wasn't hung the fuck over smelling like cheap perfume and some miscellaneous woman's genitalia. Listen, I was raised Catholic, so the guilt of me not going to confession for the longest time was already there before I even stepped foot into that wooden structure that I call "God's microphone booth", I sat down in confessional, looking around in awe the same way an adult does when they have the chance to visit the childhood room that they slept in 30 years prior. Then suddenly the little door slid open, and before he could say anything I said "Forgive me father for I have sinned!" He said, "My son, how long has it been since your last confession?" I nervously racked my brain, not remembering specifically how many years it had been, so I simply said "The Clinton Administration?" I have to tell you, besides the jumper I hit yesterday to bring my team to victory at my local YMCA over a team with the combined age of like a thousand, nothing makes a person feel better than to have a priest laugh at one of your jokes.

He laughed for a good 20 seconds, which made me revise the old comedian line which I thought was fitting, "Thank you. Thank you!! My next show is 2016!" Instead of going through the regular "confessional" routine, he wanted to know why I didn't go to church regularly. Usually, I would have lied my ass off, even to a priest, about why I hadn't gone to church as regularly as most people. But since I'm an attention whore and the man had laughed at my joke for christs sake, I decided to tell him the truth that I really despised organized religion. He then said, "You aren't going to go into the "little boys" and "priests' thing are you, I'm tired of hearing that!!" That's when I told him, "Hey, I look at that the same way the Bush administration looked at Abu Graibe, 'just a few bad apples'" Again he laughed(not particularly the toughest crowd) and after the confession he pulled me aside, and wanted to know what specifically drove me away from organized religion. So, the following reasons I despise organized religion is exactly what I told the only man outside of Humanity F Critic Sr. that I have ever called "father". Of course this is the dirty version, but you understand.

Falling the fuck out: Even though I was always suspicious of celebrities who decided they wanted to "find god" all of a sudden, after they had snorted up all the coke and put their mouth on every phallus this side of the equator. I was always like, "Yeah, NOW you find religion!!" But a few years ago I was less cynical, because I had a few incidents happen to me where I had hit rock bottom and needed heavenly enlightenment, so I finally understood why after years of debauchery a person might want to be "cool with Christ". What made me want to have a chat with the big fella in his "house", simply, was because I was almost shot a few times. No, I'm not a thug, never sold weight, and I never claimed that the fictional character "Scarface" was something that I was aspiring to be. But, due to a stray shot that almost hit me at a club, a jealous ex-boyfriend who wanted my mother to only have one son, and a gentleman who wanted to forever silence my "big mouth" after a party, I knew that it was time to get reacquainted with my homeboy JC.

At the time a chick I was dating, Carla, suggested that I go with her to her church. Even though I was catholic and I think she was a baptist at the time, I saw no harm going with her where she worshipped. Immediately I felt that I had stepped into the twilight-zone, I mean, at catholic churches you have speedy services, these Gregorian chant type hymns, and everyone is reserved. In this chick's church folks were convulsing in a "Pat Riley trying to dance" sort of way , and like the fictional monster "Enema Man" it was scaring the shit out of me. After a few minutes of feeling like a Frank Sinatra fan who suddenly found himself in a Wu-Tang Klan concert, I noticed that everyone formed a single file line facing the preacher. As I looked further, I noticed that the preacher was putting his hand on people, and the particular person he had his hand on would shake like Muhammad Ali break-dancing, then they would fall the fuck out. I stood in line, wondering if I would catch the holy ghost, fake it if I didn't, or be a smart ass and tell the preacher "Nothing is happening, does that mean I'm Satan??!!" But I did none of that, I got so nervous I ran out of the building and proceeded to run the 4 miles to my house. Don't ask.

Sister Act: A few years ago I used to date this chick named Belinda, by far one of the wildest chicks foolish enough to ever see me naked. I'm talking bar fights, smacking chicks in the face for the fuck of it, cursing out random individuals at the drop of a hat, truly a woman after my own heart. I thought I had met my soul mate, a chick that I could grow old with, a woman who would roll my blunts for me when I got older, one that would tell my kids that the only reason I was smoking weed was because of my cataracts. Yeah, we had a bright future, that was until I hung out with her on Sundays. For one thing, music that I played in my car that she usually enjoyed was all of a sudden, on Sunday's that is, "inappropriate". She would actually eject my CD's and put in some god awful gospel Hip Hop, where said MC's would ruin a perfectly good beat by talking about "giving praise", or some other nonsensical hogwash like that. This chick was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hide, especially when it came to "bumping uglies" on what many feel is the one holy day of the week

This one time while we were in my car, I tried to get frisky with her in my mode of transportation, her and my backseat were on a first name basis by the way. But on this particular Sunday she said, "Get off me, this is the lord's day!! I'm not engaging in sexual activities in your car!" That's when I lost in and said, "Listen, it's not like the almighty doesn't see you giving out mouth-hugs like free cheese from Monday through Saturday. Oh Yeah, by the way, you didn't have problems having sex in my car when you used my gear shift as a god damned dildo! Most of the time you are "9 1/2 weeks" but on Sunday you're "Sister Act"?? Fuck you, you Fucking hypocrite!!' Yeah, that was one of the last times I saw Belinda, even though I dearly miss her making my stick shift disappear.

The Preacher Hustle: Me and preachers go together like Melissa Etheridge and a penises, not very well. I mean, I respect the true messengers of the word, people who are totally selfless, doing whatever they can do to spread that positive message that inspires anybody within an earshot of their voice. I'm down for that, but what I'm not down with are the few "men of Christ" who I feel have abused their power the same way police officers who promises the hooker he won't arrest her if she goes down on him. I have encountered preachers who promote giving back and look down on excess, putting his congregation through a 2 hour sermon on the subject, only to drive away afterwards with a Lexus Jeep with spinners. I was once lectured about the importance of tithing and how if I did so that good things might happen for me, only to learn later that this man was fucking 3 different women in back on his church that weren't his loving wife. Or the worst at all, the black preachers who either get a huge "donation" from the republican party, or foolishly feel that abortion is the only issue out there come election time, so they betray the trust of their people and urge them to vote for some right-wing ass hat.

Tyler Perry: I'm sorry, I know that a lot of you like the material that this man puts out, but I motherfucking hate this guy. No, it's not that I just flat out think that the guy is a cluster-fuck of unadulterated unfunny. No, it's not that I feel that a lot of his humor is about a notch above traditional black-face and rappers with grills, that's not it at all. Really, my reason for hating this guy shouldn't have any reason for my hatred of organized religion, only that this girl that I would randomly show my genitalia to would play his fucking plays every Sunday morning that I was there. Fellas, it was so bad that I often considered skipping a sexual experience that I nicknamed "The late-night flesh-fest", where all my desires could be fulfilled with a woman that I just new moonlighted as a porn star. The worse feeling in the world is waking up, wanting to watch sportscenter or Ebert and Roeper in someone else's bed, having to endure some ghetto ass plays on video, plays that sounded like they were written by the same wordsmiths that brought us the gem "Kingdom Come" I know, Tyler Perry shouldn't be one of the reasons that drove me away from organized religion, I just wanted another reason to shit on him.

39 comments:

Vman said...

I hate tyler perry with a passion, he has to be the richest closeted transvestite ever and I believe in god but organized religion is just full of holes.

Bk_red said...

great post! i was also raised catholic and i agree with some of your views on organized religion, but i may be worse off than you... i haven't been to confession in about 20 years or so (the reagan administration). like you, i don't get the whole falling out thing or speaking in tongues and i really can't stand when people say they have "been saved." i think it's great to believe in a higher power (and i do), but i don't need anybody telling me how to live my life. as corny as it sounds, i just try to treat people the way i want to be treated and leave it at that. many so-called "religious" people are racist, homophobic and misogynistic. what's wrong with this picture?

nosthegametoo said...

While I have a healthy skepticism of religious practitioners, the faith I hold helps me personally.

But I agree, I’m weary of the middle-men between me and what I believe.

The Black Sheep said...

Hilarious! I really appreciate your honesty. I disagree about organized religion, but I feel you on the falling out and the shady pastors and the hypocrites and the closeted transvestites. I've been through some very rough church experiences, but God always reminds me that the Church is bigger than the people. If it wasn't, we'd all be screwed. It's about Jesus. There is no perfect church because there are no perfect people, but there are good ones. Finding the right church for you is like going to visit a girl or a friend with a crazy family. It's a lot to deal with, but that's your boy or that's your girl, so you do what you've got to do. You've just got to decide that you're going to see Jesus and find a place where you can see him past all of his jacked-up relatives. You'll eventually get used to them.

T. Cas said...

Son, I feel you on all your hilarious points. I got mad hate for Tyler Perry. and I feel you on the dislike of organzied religion. Have you seen that preacher with the locs that hangs out with Rev Run and is always talking about his Bentley? That dude just makes me sick.

jurassicpork said...

I have a story for you on this subject, something that I've never written about on either of my blogs. I'll make it my next original post, perhaps tomorrow. Stay tuned.

acolyte said...

I so feel you on the sister act thing!Why is it women who live like hoes Monday to Saturday feel that acting holy on Sunday makes a difference?
As for the preacher hustle, I have worked for one of those hucksters and seen the damage they can cause.Seems when religion comes into the equation people become idiots.
I also think Tyler Perry is an undercover transvestite.He is way too comfortable in women's clothes!
ps:Seems I'm not the only long time Catholic who hasn't gone to mass in eons!

ManNMotion said...

It's true, the church has failed the community in many ways. Churches are made up of men and men, of themselves, are corrupt from birth by the very nature of man. It's more important what YOU believe and what YOU accept into your heart.

So what did the preacher tell you?

If you're on a quest for knowledge stay on it and you will eventually find the truth.

Serenity said...

Thanks for the bday wish. I come by your sight pretty often and you are hilarious in a "most people would never say these things aloud" kind of way. It's refreshing.

The Stiltwalker said...

Man I was in a church once and some people started running and shit doing laps. This one woman had taken her shoes off and was just gone. I was scared as hell. I'd never seen anything like that before.

August said...

I really don't like Tyler Perry plays either. I can't get over the shuckin and jiving... the ignit quips... the "honey chile" of it all. I just don't feel it. What surprises me is how many "good chu'ch going women" endulge in Madea as their guilty pleasure. The subject matter is "worldly" and "corrupt" and the MAN IS IN A DRESS! There's no moral and no value to it all.

But anyway, back to your post... I understand how you feel. I was a 3-day a week church going woman who loved studying the Bible. But after I got more involved in committees and activities, the people inside pushed me away. People are still people. Going to church (for me) was grieving my spirit... Pastor's ego, folks lying, backstabbing, whining, complaining, stealing, sneaking, etc.

I'm at a crossroads myself.

emeralda said...

well okay, my dad just told me a very true thing>: not everything that talks religion is freaking religion! lets take my boyfriend: saved, by god/holyspirit/jesus from bad bad drugs (yeah he did even heroine, so he was really down there). that s good, because, hey, when speaking in tongues (pentecostal tradition) helps you out, i am fine with that.
however, now, in his healing process he turned freaking fundamentalist. no need to say our relationship is on a hold. i try to get him to a doctor (he said, him being sick is a sign that he does soemthign wrong. OH MY GOD. it s a fucking sign that he DID something wrong. and that he has to go to a fucking doctor. sorry for swearing, but it outrages me. it s not like god is going to save you after you have mistreated the body he gave you for free)
well, i respected his religiousness to an extrend because me too i believe and keep it for myself. i find somethign 'bigger' most of the time in nature, i just connect then. whatever. so but now he spoiled it big time for me. whenever i walk around and see those thousand churches and people standing on the sidewalk with freaking SIGNS that say somethign about how jesus loves you i want to PUKE.
its not about words so much nor about signs. not abuot speaking in tongues or believing or not believing. it s about DOING good.
kapiche.
i am done wtih religious extremists.

emeralda said...

what happened to my comment???
well, HC i am happy you bring this up....my boyfriend just turned wildly fucking religoius in such a fundamentalist way that he says he can';t put up with his gay cousin anymore. i mean what the FUCK. yeah, lets SWEAR big time here. i am so sick of all those christian fundamentalists here in America. standing at the sidewalk with a sign int he hand 'jesus loves you'. yeah give me a break. it s not about words, signs or whatever, it is about DEEDs. you ll be judged by what you did and your intentions, in case you ll ever get judged. also, what about the whole love message. how can you be so hateful to people who don't believe the same thing.
i find the conenction to 'upthere' in nature, personally. this planet is amazingly beautiful.
but i am also fine when my boyfriend gets saved by speaking in tongues (babtized by the holy spirit they say) from getting away from heroine. i am FINE with that. but when the extreme drug consume turns into extreme religousness, i don't know.
it s very very fucking exhausting and i try to get him to a doc right now. he thinks him being sick is a sign that he doesn't do what god wants from him. yeah of course! it s not about now it s about what you DID to your body, and that's the fucking consequence. but no, no doctor. this guy is going to kill himself how cool is that.
of cousre i can't be with someone like that. but i still will try to get him to a doctor. i hope he ll snap out of it. he is a great fucking guy. oh man. it s so fucking heart breaking
i have to puke now every time i see one of thsoe churches.

carra said...

I laughed so much it hurts. I stopped going to the church three years ago, when I witnessed a boy having and epileptic attack (? not sure if it's called that way) falling on the floor right in front of the priest and nearly chewing his tongue up. EVERYONE ignored him and the people that I tried to push out of my way to go and help the boy didn't let me, nearly held me. The priest didn't miss a beat. Then I guess I stopped believing too. Not that I don't believe in higher powers as such I stopped believing in the church. Great post I must admit some people in your article were unknown to me but it still was very much fun!

Soulfull said...

This post was so damn funny! My goodness... I still haven't found a good church home due to some of the issues you mentioned in your post, but like my Uncle recently told me, it ain't bout where you go, but what's in your heart...

O yeah, thanks for stopping by! :)

ChiChi10 said...

I don't get the shit about Tyler's plays. Everybody knows a crazy ass old lady like that. My great aunt was one of them. Tyler is my boy...

*Back to the rest of the post...

I am Jack said...

Yeah, Tyler Perry is a pair of fucking clown shoes, only that clown wears blackface. Yep, he sucks balls, don't get it twisted.

Great post man.

ChiChi10 said...

OK, now that I have read everything I can say I do have problems with the church, too. You can find some of the worst backstabbing, gossipers around; faking the funk like a mug: praising and worshipping, then turning around to talk about you to sister Johnson. But like August said, people are still people and it's not supposed to be about them anyway. It's about you and your relationship with God. I mean, he does see them AND us when we are doing wrong.

I ahve this thing about being perfect for God when I know that is utter bs. It's really the people "of the church" that I'm worried about looking bad in front of.

*I swear this is my last comment on Tyler...LMAO

In response to August's comments about Tyler: Just because God ain't said every three seconds, Tyler's plays are always about God in some way.

The Lord's not just about praising and worshipping. You are supposed to have God in every aspect of your life, so why wouldn't his plays talk about adultery and other "worldly" things?

Spiritual Walker said...

you want good reasons to hate going to a Church:
1- Do a search on Google and find stuff about: 1- Why ex-PopeJohn Paul II and all of Poland worshipped The Black Madonna
2- Search for the ebook "The 2 Babylons" (http://philologos.org/downloads/ttb_pdf.zip)
3-Read the Book "The World's 16 Crucified Saviors" that you can find here "http://englishatheist.org/16/16.shtml"
4- SEARCH FOR THE ORIGINS OF CHRISTMASS & THE LINKS WITH PAGANISM

You've given good reasons why not to go to church, but believe me that' not even the tip of the iceberg of BULLSHIT !

P.S. if you believe in God, then you should worship him by his name and should know his sons name. To find that out, you should know about hebrew names (a bad example Ossama Bin Laden) and the right pronouciation of The Tetragrammaton ). It's true what they say about the Truth, If you seek you shall find !

But If you can't handle the Truth, then don't bother finding it cuz it won't bother finding you !

Candy Minx said...

Oh sweet lord and lady that was funny!

Well, I don't think church or religion or temple is the surest way to be spiritual. When Jesus said he could build a temple in three days he said so because he knew a temple wasn't the building...it was when two people got together and talking about the spirit and life and awe. It is no coincidence that we have a body part on our head near the brain and mind...yep called a temple. That is where worship and respect and spirit really reside.

Great post, deep and funny-a rare talent to pull that off.

Cheers,
Candy
http://gnosticminx.blogspot.com/

Candy Minx said...

Oh one other thing...others feel the same way as you...the box office for Da Vinci's Code out sold the passion of The Christ...the popularity of the book and movie lies in part because peopel do not trust organized religion...and the sexist treatment of women. jesus and Buddha and Mohammad had equals and they were chicks.

Athanasius said...

@ candy minx

The truth is that The Passion of the Christ has outsold The DaVinci Code by about $170,000,000

http://movies.yahoo.com/mv/boxoffice/alltime/

911 said...

Another good post, from the looks of it you could probably make another twenty post like this.....what really happenedwith you and religion?

Oh great One said...

What a funny and well written post!

I have run into plenty of hypocrites at church and changed churches because of them. The truth of the matter is that we are all human. I'm sure there are plenty of gossiping, self righteous, idiots in any cross section of people you look at. I haven't given up on church yet, but I tend to be a lot more picky.

Thanks for the kind words on my blog. They were much appreciated!

Brother OMi said...

another dope post.

but i wish you would have said "Christianity (Xianity)" instead of organized religion. Have you attended a mosque or a synagogue? if not , you can't knock organized religion. you can only knock Xianity.

My beef with Xianity? oh you know...

imagine, following the religion of our former slavemasters? ain't that a hoot...

Brother OMi said...

TYler Perry is wick, wick wack...

josie said...

well i liked this post. the last time i went to church was christmas gone. before that, well me aint know. but the service i went to was dead. i was only dropping asleep ans waking back up.
i have no problem going to church but the people that carry on the service is what i have questions about.

Lucy Stern said...

It sounds like organized religion is going to be a tough thing for you. If you have a hard time going to church, make sure you keep connected with God by reading his scriptures. He does love you, just like your earthly father did. Pray often and read your scriptures.

Nordette Adams said...

You hate organized religion? Well Virginia Beach must be a living hell for you.

Nordette Adams said...

PS: I had to laugh at Vman's comment on Tyler Perry. As often as we see TP in a dress, can we really call him closeted? I've never seen anything by the man just clips of him in dresses.

keda said...

that was funny shit babe.

thanks for that . fabulous sunday afternoon reading :)

Anonymous said...

You simply have to find the right man to preach to you. Where I go he keeps it real and gives back to his people. Try him on tuesday night live--you might like him--if not, oh well.

worldrbn.org or bishoprudd.org

Sandra said...

Very funny. I have had similar experiences. Oh, and since I believe God wants us to be happy, I try to have sex twice on Sundays. It's not like it's work, or anything!

Peace.

The Sarccastik Variable Why said...

that clinton joke was funny...

jameil1922 said...

that sounds very familiar. my biggest pet peeve has to be the people who insist on going to church every week and do everything they want to anytime but on sunday. b/c its sunday. ok... but you're doing it every other day of the week. i don't get it. and its even worse when they come out of church cussing. one girl who was trying out lesbianism had the nerve to berate one of my friends for not going to church. you're going to church w/your LESBIAN LOVER!! you're joking right? just wondering. this month's essence has this crazy article abt women who chase preachers.

J said...

You put Tyler Perry and The Clinton Administration in the one post... sheer genius, you get a cookie.

T said...

This was such a good post, straight hilarious. I put it right up there with one of my other favorite posts of yours (sorry hadn't read you in a while), the one about you being a hypchondriac you wrote last year sometime, that one STILL cracks me up, that one and the Coffee poem one (can't remember the title), but yeah this one was classic! :)

T

Chubby Chocolate said...

You've done it again.

I absolutely LOATH Tyler Perry and many forms of "organized" religion.

Don't get me on my soapbox.

I LOVE YOU.

Redzilla said...

Oh, that was a fine laugh. I kept thinking of Langston Hughes' "Salvation" while I was reading this. I always hated to get in that line to get saved. Wasn't a believer or much of an actor. I used to just pray for lightning to strike me before I got to the front of the line. Never happened.