(The first image you see is Luke Cage, head of HumanityCritic's security task force, banging on HC's bedroom door trying to wake him up)
Luke Cage:(banging on door) Rise and Shine hamster penis, you have a shitload of campaigning to do today.
(Frustrated, not only because he has gone unanswered for what feels like hours, but he suddenly realizes the homoerotic irony behind him beating on a door with the words "The Cockpit" on it, so he proceeds to kick the door down.)
Luke Cage:(Kicks the door off the hinges) Damn they don't make doors like they used to!! (Looks around at all the bottles of booze and clothes scattered everywhere) Jesus, this place is sloppier than a blow-job from a toothless whore.. HumanityCritic, get your ass up!!
HumanityCritic:(half asleep) Ugghhhh..
Luke Cage:(Approaches bed and sees HumanityCritic fast asleep besides 2 miscellaneous harlots. He starts to violently shake HumanityCritic) Hey man, get the fuck up and tell these whores to hit the road like Ben Roethlisberger!(Luke pulls back the covers and sees something that surprises him) Shit HC, when did you start fucking midgets again?
HumanityCritic:(slowly waking up, rubbing eyes) Come on Luke, it's too early for this shit..
Luke Cage: It's 2 P.M you low expectation having motherfucker!!!(Grabs both women by the arm and escorts them out of the room) OK you miniature sluts, time for you to go!!
HumanityCritic: Damn Luke, what's your problem today?
Luke Cage:(returning to the bedroom) Besides the fact that it saddens me that you fuck midgets only because they are the only women that will compliment you on your penis size??
HumanityCritic: Yes, besides that!!
Luke Cage: OK, its only a few days away from the end of the nomination period for the BlackweblogAwards and you haven't had one post where you all out pander for votes yet. What gives?!!
HumanityCritic:(smoking a joint) Luke, my dear friend(blowing smoke out the corner of his mouth) no one is going to vote for me, HumanityCritic is old news. From the wack woman blogger with the diseased vagina who dissed me last year for winning the awards that I had to dismantle, to that Uncle Tom House Negro blogger with the blogring that he won't release me from who kept saying that I was a undeserving winner even though his writings are reminiscent to those of a functioning illiterate right after suffering a stroke, its just not fucking worth it dude.
Luke Cage:(Shaking his head in disapproval)
Luke Cage: That's not the HumanityCritic that I know, it's not even the HumanityCritic that all the readers who loyally read your daily incoherent ramblings know. Hey, who is the only man that I know who has knocked out 2 men past the age of 60?
HumanityCritic: That would be me..
Luke Cage: Who came up with a "Hip Hop version of Clerks", who wrote a futuristic tale about telling your grand-kids about Hip Hop, and who touched upon loving the little things about Hip Hop?? Who had the balls to call out the plethora of uninformed fucks that make up some Hip Hop fans?
HumanityCritic:(sitting up in bed) That would be me as well!!
Luke Cage: That's right!! "Fun with Racism" and "An Episode of "The Soprano's' if directed by Spike Lee", that was all you man!!
HumanityCritic: You are right Luke(Getting out of bed, raising his He-Man replica sword in the sky), we shall be victorious again!!
Luke Cage: Slow down dude, there is stiff competition and people really hate your fucking ass. But I'm glad that you decided to run because since I am missing out on all the barely legal ass that would have been thrown my way being Pharrell's bodyguard, something good has to come out of me turning down such a great gig. First things first, get dressed and see your "blog Yoda" Iselfra for spiritual enlightenment..(Looking at the bedroom door that is now on the ground) What is up with you putting "The Cockpit" on your door.
HumanityCritic: You know, a place where your garden variety woman can get the "cock", preferably mine.
Luke Cage: It sounds like something you would name a gay bar, get dressed jackass!!
(Next we see HumanityCritic entering the home of Iselfra, his spiritual advisor and a man he calls his "Blog Yoda". NO, he hasn't taught HC to telekinetically lift things with his mind, how to handle a light saber, shit, he hasn't even showed HC the pedestrian ability to get a chick to blow him against her better judgement. But Iselrfra has taught the young padawan two important lessons. 1)Don't let anyone play you on your blog and 2)Don't fall off!! HC enters a room where Iselfra is in a yoga-like position, eyes closed, and fists clenched)
HumanityCritic: Blog Yoda, I have come here to...
Iselfrah:..get spiritual enlightenment because you want to win more Blackweblog awards??
HumanityCritic: Yeah, but, how did you know...
Iselfra: I would have thought that me picking the last three Superbowl winners, predicting that that Grey haired fuck would be the next "American Idol" winner, and me telling you that you would mistakenly take home a man masquerading as a woman would have tipped you off to my gifts by now. I'm the motherfucking truth son!!!!
Luke Cage:(looking at HumanityCritic) You took home a dude??
HumanityCritic:(Head in hands) Put it this way, I was drunk and the lead singer of the PussyCat Dolls has a bigger dick than I do..(Turning to Iselfra) So, are you going to help me or what??
Iselfra: Sure, close your eyes..(He then begins burning a substance, walking around HumanityCritic waiving said substance around him, chanting) Imagine you will win a blackweblog award, see yourself on the podium accepting your award, believe that you are worthy for every category you are going for..(Saying under his breath) Even though I'm not voting for your ass..
Iselfra: Nothing, Nothing.. OK, we're done here, where are you off to now??
HumanityCritic: Well, we are off to shamelessly pander for votes, we are going to do "The O'Reilly Factor"..
Iselfra: (Placing his hand of HumanityCritic's forehead) Good luck young padawan!!!
HumanityCritic: Thank you blog Yoda, when will you teach me that mind trick where you get chicks to leave your residence after you ejaculate??
Iselfra: Next time young one, next time..
(We now see HumanityCritic getting a microphone put on him as he sits in the visitor's seat of "The O'Reilly Factor")
Bill O'Reilly:(sarcastically) Hey Critic, you still fucking midgets?
HumanityCritic: You know it! Do you know how much of an ego boost it is to hear a woman scream "Ohh Daddy, I can feel you in my small intestines!!!" Regular sized chicks are overrated with their "Are you inside me?? You have the erection of a grade-schooler!" bullshit.
(The producer signals that they are about to start shooting..Here is the transcript of the show)
Bill O'Reilly: Welcome to "The O'Reilly Factor" ladies and gentlemen, today we have a man running for a second term in the Critic Administration. HumanityCritic, welcome!
HumanityCritic: Hey Bill
Bill O'Reilly: This isn't "Hardball", but let me throw you a hardball question at your chin.
HumanityCritic: Even though I usually try to avoid balls on my chin at all costs, I'll allow it this time.
Bill O'Reilly: Funny guy.. On other people's blogs, where they tell their readers who they are voting for, no one has you listed.. How do you feel about that??
Bill O'Reilly: How do you feel concerning the other people who are going out for awards, the one's that said things like "This year it will be fair and square!!" Don't you take that as them questioning the validity of the awards you won last year?
HumanityCritic: Um, I didn't really think abo...
Bill O'Reilly: How about this pandering ass post?? I mean, don't you find it kind of pathetic that you have to dedicate an entire blog entry to begging??
HumanityCritic: Well see, I was..um
Bill O'Reilly: As Eloquent as ever! Can you explain this audio-tape that we have obtained of you having sex with a man??!!
HumanityCritic: I never had sex with a man..WAIT, are you talking about me and that chick from the "PussyCat Dolls"?? Naw man, I stopped that when I found out she had a penis.
Bill O'Reilly: That's not what this tape suggests!! Play the tape!!
(Crackling audio Tape: HumanityCritic: "Hey Baby, did you know that I was the Black Blogger of the Year??/ Pussycat Dolls chick: I did, and I find it sexy, even after you told me that my music sounds like a constipated duck in agony I still think it's sexy/. HumanityCritic: Damn girl, you have more small talk than midget speeches, drop them drawers!!/ Long Pause.. HumanityCritic: Hey, you have a dick!!!/ Obvious O'Reilly edit: HumanityCritic sounding voice: But that's the type of shit that I'm into.. Slurping sounds..)
HumanityCritic: Hey, that's an edit, that never happened!!
Bill O'Reilly: Sure pal, lets go to a commercial..
(During the break, HumanityCritic's media relations expert, Chubby Chocolate, comes over and whispers in HC's ear)
Chubby Chocolate:(whispering) Look, you are getting killed here, when he gets back from commercial I want you to represent.(Grabbing HC's face) REPRESENT!
HumanityCritic: No doubt..
Bill O'Reilly:(Coming back from Commercial) Welcome back to "The O'Reilly Factor", we were just talking to..(a fist comes out of nowhere and decks O'Reilly in the face)
HumanityCritic:(hopping over O'Reilly's desk and pounding him in the face multiple times) What now?? *punch* Talk that shit now O'Reilly!! *kick*(looks to Chubby Chocolate with blood all over his hands) How's this for "representing"?
Chubby Chocolate: I just meant stating your views in a more articulate matter, but if you are handing out beatings I'm all for that as well..(joining HC in the fight and taking out some of the FOX security team)
Luke Cage:(dismantling FOX security along with Chubby Chocolate) Hey CC, you want my job?? This is the last straw, goodbye HumanityCritic-hello Pharrell's security detail and barely legal ass!!
(The Last Scene is of a reporter standing outside a jail cell holding HumanityCritic for assaulting Bill O'Reilly)
Reporter: Because this post is entirely too long already, is there anything you would like to tell the good people out there??(puts mic through prison bars)
HumanityCritic: Yes, go to the blackweblogawards site and nominate for the following categories
1)Best Humor Blog
2)Best Personal Blog
3)Blog of the Year
4)Best Writing in a Blog
5)Best Original content-Preferably one of these two posts: A)Humanity Critic Tells His Grandkids A Very Scary Story
or B) Hip Hop Version Of Clerks, Directed By Humanity F. Critic
What you do is provide your name and then your (valid)email address, then put my blog address(www.nappydiatribe.blogspot.com) beside one or all of the categories that you feel that I'm eligible for. Nominations end August 15th, be sure to vote!!
Reporter: Thank you HumanityCritic.(giving the cameraman the "cut sign")
(As HumanityCritic is about to sit down in his cell, one of his cell mates asks him a question..)
Cellmate: Hey dude, does that chick from the PussyCat Dolls..
HumanityCritic: Have a bigger dick than me? Yes, are you happy?? Is that all people can fucking think about??
Paid for by the HumanityCritic "Damn, tell your momma to use less teeth next time!" Campaign of 2006