"It only takes a second less you got on ice
Just for wearin your chain in they club, they'll beat you twice
Served with fried rice, you get a can of whoop ass
My only advice is don't fall and book ass"
-Trugoy(De La Soul)
When I first heard the song "The Art of Getting Jumped" on De La Soul's "Art Official Intelligence: Mosaic Thump" album, it reminded me of all the times I had been on the business end of a 5 man beating. But that was two full years before I even knew what a blog was, in 2000 I was just beginning to learn how to multi-task online, you know - beating off violently while skillfully using the mouse to click on deviant mpegs with the other hand. So now that I have my own personal soapbox to spew whatever drivel of the day that I feel is important, I want to address specifically what that De La Soul titles states, The Art of getting Jumped.
Maybe because I've always been a big fan of fair fights, or because I've seen innocent beatings quickly turn into attempted murder charges - I have never been part of a gang of guys on the sole mission of beating some hapless sap senseless. But because I have been known to randomly have sex with other peoples girlfriends and wives, broken the hearts of women with criminal siblings, and a plethora of other indefensible offenses that I'm sure you have read on this blog before - I could probably teach a college course on getting jumped. Listen, I'm not a trained professional so please take my pedestrian attempt at advice with a grain of salt, but these are just some tactics that worked when a handful of disgruntled gentlemen wanted my rectum to be intimately acquainted with their Pro-Keds. That being said, here are some helpful hints if you find yourself being jumped.
Aim for the biggest mouth: I've said this before, but its my experience that the average person out there really doesn't want to fight. Its kind of like the roadrage, people can flip you off all they want and honk their horn continuously - but see what happens when you actually pull beside their automobile looking rather disgruntled while holding a tire iron and you literally see the machismo ooze out of their body like the substance that came out of "Stretch Armstrong" when you overextended him.(Take my word for it) Usually in a pack of men that want to stomp you out like they are making wine or some shit, there is usually one guy that talks the most shit - kind of like a male cheerleader trying to get his brethren on the same "whipping your ass" agenda. My advice is, with all your might, is to hit that motherfucker first and as hard as humanly possible. Most of the time it leaves the other guys dumbstruck, you know, with their sole motivation laying on the ground missing some bicuspids and all. But even if it doesn't work and you get your ass kicked anyway, you will still feel better that you put that mouthy motherfucker out of his misery anyways.
Stop, drop, and Roll: Remember in grade school when they made us watch those fire safety videos, you know the ones, "stop, drop, and roll"?? Well, I have the same advice if you ever find yourself on the ground surrounded by a slew of overpriced sneakers. The one mistake that people try to do when they are on the ground taking a Grade A ass-whipping is quickly get up, which is a huge mistake because your face will become a defacto catcher's mit of punches way as you try to get to your feet. I also hate that defeated approach, you know the one, where the person just covers their face up while in the fetal position - just hoping that the savage beating will stop as soon as possible. My advice is when you are on the ground just roll around like you are on fire, and when you get to an impediment(someones leg) throw a vicious elbow to that individuals knee, then repeat. Listen, it may not help you, but at least you can find comfort in maiming a motherfucker and knowing that you getting your ass handed to you wasn't in vain.
Stick and Move: I guess this is an obvious one, but sticking and moving is essential whenever you are getting jumped. We all have ego's, so it is a natural reaction for you to admire your work, meaning you sit there and watch your opponent after you hit him with a brutal punch. Please ignore that temptation because you might get a concussion that way, so the best thing to do is punch a motherfucker and move immediately, or punch him and spin him around. It sounds silly, punching some jackass and spinning him around like the both of you are ballroom dancing, but its better than spitting out teeth isn't it??
Be Randy Savage!: Not only is it a good idea because it freaks out some of the would be ass whoopers, but grabbing a guy and throwing him out of the way is just good strategy when being jumped. What you need to do is pick up the smallest guy out of the pack of miserable bastards that pray and pray on your downfall, and before you toss him like a pair of horseshoes use him as a weapon and back some of his boys off. This one time it worked like a charm for me, the way I grabbed a motherfuckers ankles and batted his boys away was classic. Granted, the guy I threw around was a midget who had to weigh all of 70 pounds, but that's semantical argument you motherfucker.